Infidelity: Is it lying or denial

Infidelity: Is it lying or denial?

By Jeffrey D. Murrah, LPC, LMFT

Infidelity goes hand in hand with secrets. These secrets often concern both the infidelity and its cover up. The secrets often become the building blocks of a fantasy life from which those involved have a difficult time escaping. The secrets do not want to release those who are partakers. The secrets are strengthened by the lies told and the denial concerning the affair.

Denial, by its very nature seeks to distort and alter the reality of events. At times denial protects the person denying, at times it protects those surrounding them. Researchers have been probing the mysteries of denial for decades. True denial is when the person is not fully aware they are doing it. When a person denies what is going on and they are fully aware of what they are doing, it is lying. Keeping this distinction in mind, a closer look at denial and the many ways it shows up in adultery will help you understand the phenomena.

There can be a denial of what happened. This type of denial consist of not acknowledging what is occurring. The person denies that an affair occurred at all. This type of denial may occur with either the adulterer or the resolute spouse. There is often a gap in time between when an affair is suspected and when the evidence is so overwhelming that you can not deny what is going on or what happened. Denial of what happened may be complete, or partial. Partial denial occurs when there is a blocking of portions of what happened. With the resolute spouse, making excuses for your spouse is a form of denying what occurred. The adulterer may deny the affair, by minimizing the significance of it or that it meant nothing.

Besides the affair, there may be a denial of emotions experience. This major area of denial is blocking out what emotions you felt. This includes the emotions you felt toward yourself, and toward your spouse. There are often differences between the emotions you expressed and the emotions you experienced. The shock of an affair often triggers vulnerability and helplessness, and those emotions are not desirable, they are often covered up by other emotions. Even for the adulterer, there is a shock in being ‘found out’. There may be strong hostile feelings aroused by what happens. These hostile feelings can at times be violent. In some cases there are sensations of curiosity and arousal along with the hostility. Rather than give in to those emotions, assuming that if you feel them, it must be so. Instead view them as part of your response. They are a barometer of your emotional state. They remind you of reality. Even the shock and vulnerability of the adulterer are reminders that the real world is not the fantasy they have been acting out in the affair. These feelings reveal aspects of the turbulence, tension and mood of the relationship along with your needs.

Denial can extend beyond the emotions, and encompass your thoughts as well. When the affair is found out, both the resolute spouse and the adulterer have many thoughts that run through their minds. Some of these you may have dismissed, some you chose to dwell on and some you choose not to speak about. Some of the thoughts experienced may be malicious and evil. Although you will not want to act out those thoughts, you need to be honest with yourself about what those thoughts are and how they are influencing your choices and behaviors. Although such unsavory thoughts may be denied, they still must be dealt with.

One area of denial that is often overlooked is that of the associations you have with the affair. The other person often looks or acts like people you have dealt with in your life. There have been some cases where the other person represented an ideal as well. There have also been cases where the other person actually resembles the spouse of earlier years. In such cases, the affair represents a longing for what once existed.

For the adulterer, the other person may have associations with a former playmate or fling. They may represent a way of getting back at the wife or husband. When affairs occur within families, there is always the possibility of a payback or revenge factor.

Since the sensations of the affair triggered reactions based on experiences you had in your past, you will need to interpret it in terms of those experiences. Some of the pain associated with affairs involves the associations we have with our own experiences. The situation may remind you past pains, hurts and people in your life. You may need to remind yourself that your spouse is your spouse, they are not your uncle or stepmother. If images of past events or people arise, there is a likelihood of bleed over from past experiences. It will be important to separate those past associations from the present events. If the other person reminds you of someone in your past, and you quickly dismiss it, there is some denial going on.

Denial serves to keep you from feeling overwhelmed in the face of the situation. Some denial is healthy. This form of denial is actually beneficial in the early stages of working through the affair. Despite the protective aspects of denial, eventually you will have to take the blinders off and face all of the truths that are present. Although there is often a desire to get over it quickly, working though denial takes time. If it is true denial, it will eventually fade. In the case of lying, those engaging in it can often continue for long periods of time in order to avoid facing responsibility.

This overview of denial provides a roadmap to some of the major areas where denial occurs. It also provides some direction concerning where to look for denial in the relationship. Understanding denial along with the differences between it and lying will be key in working through affairs. Dealing with denial requires a different approach than dealing with lying. Lying seeks to deceive, denial seeks to protect. Denial occurs without realizing it is occurring. Lying is intentional and willful.

Some of the behavioral signs of lying include the following:

• holding the chin on the chest
• breaking eye contact
• blinking
• dilated pupils
• looking at the ceiling
• rubbing the nose
• smiling

Stages of Denial:

• Denial of the Affair
• Denial of Personal Relevance of the Affair (That happens to others, not to me)

• Denial of Urgency (Denies that something must be done NOW)
• Denial of Emotional Responsibility/Vulnerability (At this stage they often either deny all emotional accountability/vulnerabililty, playing a superman type person or go to the other extreme and totally crater, believeing they are totally at fault for everything, even if they did not have a part in it.
• Denial that it could happen again.

There are many types of denial. Among the many ways denial shows up include the following:

Denial of the problem-This would deny the affair and signs of the affair.

Seek others to blame for the affair.

Seek out deliberate ways of misusing time and resources.

Project internal feelings onto others. This is where they are denying their feelings and claim that others are the ones experiencing guilt, remorse, anxiety, etc.

Shut out all possiblity of threatening information. This may include an indulgence in church or spirituality in order to avoid dealing with the issues in their marriage.