Into calculations. A dream fragment.
66Into calculations. A dream fragment.
I am walking through a dark long corridor with someone i do not recognize. I trust him. He is taking me somewhere i want to go. As i walk i meet many faces, strange and familiar. They are indifferent, unquestioning, calm. But their eyes, when they look at me, seem to answer something i do not understand.
I reach a place after a long and tiring walk. I am alone now. I see around. "This is not where i wanted to come" I think. It is a small house with dull lit rooms, a narrow lobby and minimal furniture. I hear a person snoring. "I must hurry or i will be late" I think to myself and sneak into the drawing room. I pause for a moment to see the face of the person sleeping. I do not recognize her. "This is not my house". Next moment i am walking down a deserted street. It's a clear night. I hear someone directing me through the narrow by lanes.
I had received a call. It was Vanshika. She wanted to meet me. She would explain me a mathematical calculation. "I am not interested. Calculations aren't my forte" I thought. Yet i am here walking along a dark tunnel, confused, afraid, in a hurry. The only thought that is troubling me is where will i find Vanshika. I must see her. "For what?" I don't want to know. I just want to meet her.
"Don't get into calculations, alphabets, pi, beta, theta, the possibilities of two plus two. Stay away. Go home. Don't ask. Turn right away and go where you come from. Stay away from it. Don't taste it. Stop right now. Just another step. Just another and you are ruined." I hear a voice full of fear, warning, threat and then there are so many voices, echoes, drum beats. There are hundreds, thousands of people, a choir singing it to me.
I run. I move on. The voice has left me. I am in a hurry. "Vanshika wouldn't wait for long" i think.
There i am, amidst a long dark corridor with so many faces staring at me. There's a familiar face. It's Natasha. She has just come out through a green coloured door. I smile at her. She doesn't respond. I ask her about Vanshika. She stares into my eyes asking me to turn away and run, never to look back.
Someone pushes me, holds my hands and drags me into the depths of the corridor. There are so many people, dressed in white, working mechanically at the sound of the drum beats, horror writ large on their faces. They give me a pathetic look as if pleading me not to meet Vanshika.
I insist. I ask the woman sitting on the help desk. "Where is Vanshika? can i see her?" The woman picks up the receiver and dials. I have a chance look at a girl while i wait for the receptionist to answer. She is staring at me unblinkingly. A dark coloured girl, hair disheveled, biting her finger nails like a dog digging into a carcass, counting. Something tells me it's her. It's Vanshika.
As the thought comes to me i hear her growl, she pounces on me.
The receptionist pulls her back. "Vanshika is not here. She's left" she responds. Come tomorrow or day after. Anytime. I 'll Let her know you came. Before she asks me to write my name and address in her diary I turn back and run from the scene, from all the possibilities of five plus five. I thank her for lying to me. I run. I bang into so many bodies walking aimlessly along the corridor. They are all laughing at me in unison. They are shouting "Didn't we warn you, Didn't we? two two is a four, two three is a six, come everyone sing along. two four is a ...." Vanshika follows. "Hey Tanisha, Stop.Why are you running? I called you here and you came." My steps become faster. I hear the choir singing. " ten and ten will always be twenty, always twenty, always twenty...come count everyone...always twenty.." As i pick up pace I hear the choir following me. I run. The Main gate opens. I feel a sudden gush of fresh air. I am about to step outside but Vanshika pounces on my back and drags me down to the end of the corridor, deep down, with her disheveled hair, finger eating mouth, white eyes, howls, groans; into calculations.
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hello Dohn...a pleasure to have you read my work. ya! this is an actual dream. actually, when i thought of posting this i wanted to write my impressions of it...i am quite phobic to mathematics. my mind freezes the moment s'one asks for a quick addition, multiplication or any calculation. and when i had this dream...i could understand what Freud was talking about in his work Interpretation of Dreams...
This dream made me come to terms with my latent horror...that's one reason i still remember it after so many years, i remember it so vividly. this story was a journal entry, i changed names here...Vanshika is actually Vanita, a school friend of mine who was a maths stud. she always used to tell me how important mathematics is for higher studies. in fact i still have people alwaus telling me that..."money comes in numbers, not words. and u'll have to count them.." my mother keeps nagging me to work a bit on my maths. so taht's how it is. even today, after having done with my studies( have i? still stuck with my thesis), i wish i was good at mathematics, if not anything else. i think that's kind of a secret and incessant desire in me.
i believe in dreams, in the sense that it is the only way of living a lived life...everything at its place just the way it was when we lived it in real life. I plan to re-write many of my dream fragments...now when i read them in my journal, i see how much they reveal my inner life.











dohn121 says:
3 months ago
You have very good imagery and dialogue here. There is a certain underlying macabre in this dream, that may in fact be a visit into a Bordo (Tibetan hell). I had a few dreams like this...Was this an actual dream, Tina or is it a fictional work? Please let me know. I look for to reading more of your work.