Ever since the day back in December that I was laid off from my job in financial services and walked to the door - customary in certain financial jobs - I've never been without a little part-time job. Whether this is a curse or a blessing is a matter of great debate: you see, I'm a worker, always have been and always will be. I don't like to be idle, because as long as there is breath in my body I will work.

That means if I have to take a minimum-wage job just to be able to say I have something, I'll take it. And that's what I did - I took a minimum-wage part-time job. I worked it from December through April. It was pretty ick. Then I got a per diem job at a hospital, and that job's good, but I don't work very often. But I have something, a foot in the door somewhere. So once in a while, I get to work and be productive.

But I also decided to return to college. But I never, ever anticipated how much of a hassle that would be with unemployment in Massachusetts! They have to approve that, even if it's online school, at home, at your own pace, whenever you want to go, even it if does not interfere with a job, even if it's part-time. Did you know that? Yeah...

But look: if you are like me and you know your job isn't coming back, you probably need to bite the bullet and just go back to school. And if mobility is an issue, or time, or kids...whatever - just go for an online school. Even if you have to borrow the money just do it.

Because look, this period of economic crisis stinks. It hurts. We're in a nationwide crisis and many of us are in personal crises. Our family is in a state of perpetual scream. But at the same time, we can't just stand there, immobile, not doing anything to change the situation.

I honestly believe that there are two paths in front of us: the path that leads to victimization, ruin and defeat, or the path that holds the key to survival and triumph. I believe the key to the choice is inside me, and my family.

Because if you want things to change, change yourself! You can't sit there and say "nothing ever happens for me" because you're right, things don't just magically happen for you unless you are a character in a fairy tale. In life things happen to people who act as the catalysts for events to happen to and for them. Chemistry 101 - you need a catalyst or nothing exciting happens. Just decide right now that you are going to BE your own catalyst.

This is why I'm writing the blog. This is why I work at part-time jobs that some of my unemployed friends turn their noses up at. One friend continuously tells me I'm over-qualified for the jobs I've done. I remind her that I'm not over-qualified for any job, that every good leader has had to learn to be a good follower first.

If we fail, it won't be because we have not tried. It will only be if our bodies fail us. That's the one thing we don't seem to be able to control - the health factor. That sucks.

I think that's where I'm losing my footing...I've always had complete and utter control of things, even in a crisis. Losing a job never frightened me before, I took everything that ever happened to me in stride my whole life. Leaving home in PA and moving to Massachusetts was nothing, getting married the first time, divorced the first time - yeah that was hard, but I bounced back rather fast because I am a tough chick. I got thick skin. I call the shots in my head, and I always am so far ahead in my mental planning I know what I will do if the first twenty plans I've got fall through.

I never panic, I never seem to be without an answer. It's infuriating to people. I really have always been unflappable.

Until now.

I can't count on myself anymore, because I'm barely able to get around by myself. And I've never been more afraid in my life, because my family needs me so much right now.

I've never gone this long without being able to land a job. I've always had this uncanny ability to land jobs even in the worst times, but I think I look so unhealthy right now, I limp and I'm bent over....who wants me like this? I need to lose weight and carry myself better and in better spirits, I look like hell and I reflect how I'm feeling - crappy.

To state what my husband said to me the other day "This is just not you." It isn't, either. It's nothing like me.

I'm just so hanging my hopes on a few things right now, one is my education. I am hoping to increase to full-time in January and finish my bachelor's degree in August. I'm also hoping that if we can get some health care benefits straightened out and some better coverage going on soon I can look to getting the bariatric surgery and that would really help out...I will just call and ask Unemployment if there is any way they can approve paying me for the period while I get the surgery. Who knows...there might be a way...if the bariatric surgery doesn't happen then I'll opt for lapband, it is not as effective but I won't be laid up as long, it's easier to have covered by insurance, and I won't lose as much ground financially. Either way, gotta get some weight off.

My main motivation in the remaining portion of this year is this: keep working at part-time jobs, collecting unemployment (by the way since I did not mention it before, you do have to report all earnings from part-time work and other sources of income - including donations and earnings from this blog - to unemployment) and looking for permanent, full-time work. Keep going to college and stay on the Dean's List (and I am constantly looking for scholarships)! Get a specific, treatable diagnosis for myself and maintain the other family members. Lose as much weight as possible, and move as much as possible.

I suppose I should add clean my house, but I won't - it'd be a lie.

UPDATE: Sept 5 2009  Was laid off from the hospital job on Thursday of this week. Not entirely surprised, but now, I have no job. A little freaked out about it.