How Becoming a Parent Affects You to Your Core
65Lessons I've Learned From My Daughter
- My primary reason for being is the protection and guidance of another human being.
This will last the rest of my life, it isn't like a pet where you make a commitment for upwards of the next 18 years tops. A lot of people have this vague notion that once a child turns 18 a parents job is done. If you're one of them I suggest getting a pet instead of having kids.
- For the rest of my life somebody else's well being will be more important than my own.
It does not matter how tired I am, how depressed I am, how sick I am. My reason for getting up in the morning is to care for and nurture my daughter, and by golly, I had better do my job. If you cannot take this kind of devotion to someone outside of yourself it is probably best you do not get married. This is family, it is what it takes to be a successful parent, wife, husband.
- In all other things you will get what you paid for. In children, you will get what you put into them.
Really think about the kinds of values you would want to instill in your children. The brain of a child is like a little sponge, it will soak everything up, hold it for as long as it can and then it will wring itself back out. If you want what comes back out of your sponge to be clean, then guess what? You need to be completely accountable for you actions. If you are not ready for near total accountability, you are not ready to have children.
- I am a capable human being.
There have certainly been times where I have literally curled up into a corner and had myself good, heart-wrenching sobs. In those moments I felt there was no possible way I could continue to go on doing what needed to be done. Kids, unfortunately do not come with “time- outs,” however, their needs must be met. In those times I have always managed to pick myself back up and continue to be the capable human being my daughter has made me.
- I will make mistakes.
We all make mistakes. It is part of the learning process. Are you the kind of person who can learn from those mistakes? Can you admit that you were wrong to your children when you have made a mistake? If you are not a big enough person to admit to a child you have made a mistake you will lose their respect. Losing a child's respect is the first step down a slippery slope of losing their trust. Once that has happened... “It's game over, man.”
- I will be forgiven.
My daughter has taught me that when I admit I was wrong, I will be forgiven. There is nothing more worthwhile or precious than a child's forgiveness.
- I will always be loved no matter what.
This is all-encompassing, complete and total love. It is one of the most truly terrifying things I have ever encountered in my life. Non-conditional love takes a special kind of person to accept. Can you handle it? People may argue that they have unconditional love for their parents or others in their lives, but it isn't the same as the way a child, (under the age of 18,) can express this so absolutely perfectly. Our adult minds get in the way. Children have a never ending capacity to love. Adult logic interferes with this kind of ability. It's similar to how you may feel about your parents or your children, but it's not the same.
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Comments
This is a very sobering article. I like your take on parenting and agree 100% with what you say. I liked what I read here. Keep up the good work of writing.
Every parent makes mistakes and for many of us it's a wonder that we turn out normal. The fact that you care so much shows everyone that you're doing everything you can. :)
Awesome hub! I'm not a parent, but I want to have children of my own in the next 2-3 years and this is great advice. Right now, I Nanny for my sister-in-law and your advice rings very true. Children are not independent until they're much older and even then, they still need attention and love. I know exactly what you mean when you say that your job is not done when your child turns 18 lol. My brother is turning 28 this year and he STILL goes to my grandma for help and support. My family would fall apart without her! lol And well, here I am 21 and my fiance is 25 and we're living with his parents until we get married and get our own house. o.O It's definitely a lifetime committment.
I have been there, crying on the floor too...and I'm am always amazed at the impact my children's love for me has on my ability to get back up. They always come first. I really enjoyed this and I hope you continue to write about mothering. :)
Thank-you, everyone for your comments and insightful thoughts on this hub. It's been inspiring to read what you all have to say, I appreciate your thoughtfulness.
Great thoughts to keep us inspired as parents. The most challenging, yet rewarding job in the world.
Thanks, Cailin, wonderful to hear from you! Yes... it is rewarding. And by gum, it's really challenging!
Very inspiring hub Nicole. I have finally paid my dues. My youngest is going off to college in a few weeks. While you say parenting doesn't end at 18 and I totally agree with you, it is rewarding to begin loosening the apron strings and shifting more from mothering to building more upon friendship and who doesn't want to help their friends!
Thank-you, Dottie1! You're absolutely right. Congratualtions on your littlest one going off to college, right now, I can only imagine how great that feels. After they turn 18, it really is time to loosen those apron strings & start building more on that friendship you started laying years ago, but couldn't really nuture. (I'm a huge fan of the idea of not being friends with your kids until they're adults. Kids need parents, not friends.) Thanks for reading and commenting, Dottie1.
Thank you for putting commitment and responsibility back into parenthood! I keep hearing all of these stories about parents getting arrested for leaving their babies in the car while they go to the bar! Yes, it's happened more than once in the past week or two! I would love to see a picture of your daughter here! :)
I thought very long and very hard about putting a picture of my daughter up on this hub. *sigh* It's a sad state of affairs we live in these days and at her age, (six) I can't really ask her if she wants her picture online. (Of course she does, she thinks it's really quite neat that my picture is online and has asked me to put hers up.) When she gets older that will be her decision, or we will throw the computers out of the house, depending on how terrified I am of the idea. *grin* I appreciate your comment, it's amazing some of the stupidity I've been hearing on the news lately about ridiculous things parents are doing, (or not doing,) for their kids. But I feel that putting a picture of my daughter up on the internet would be a serious invasion of her privacy, not that I'm knocking anyone else who has done it on Hub Pages, that's their choice and I'm not here to judge. I just am here to do what's right for my family & myself.
The true definition of love is caring more about someone else than you do for yourself. I think you have that down pat, and with that, how can you fail?
Wow, dafla, I think that has to be the most incredible compliment I have *ever* received, thank-you so much, you have made my day.
So true! Great hub!
Thanks, MasonsMom!
Great hub - both Patricias know it that being a parent certainly does not stop after 18 years. Sometimes there are challenges we never dreamt of to be overcome.
Oh - agree with you about not putting your daughter's photo on-line.
Thank-you, 2patricias! I appreciate ya'all's comments. Like I said, it was a tough decision not to put Lau's picture up online, but I think it's for the best. Some of the challenges we face as parents do completely catch us off-gaurd, and seeing that my daughter's only six, I'm trembling in anticipation and terror as to what new challenges our brave new future will bring.
I can relate to curling up in a ball and crying your heart out. Take deep breath and hang on. It will get "better" as she gets older, in about 20 years (smile). Nice hub.
Haha. Thanks, Die'Dre'! Thanks for commenting, I appreciate it.
I have two children of school age. We have lots of good days, great days, glorious days, when we all gel as a family, and I feel as though we're invincible. Then we have the occassional mad, bad, or sad day when there are upsets or arguments or things just go wrong, but you just have to keep on, keeping on. I would never wish to be without them.
Great hub, Nicole. Well done.
Thank-you, Amanda, I completely hear you. My daughter has been with her grandparents over the summer while I have been working and I miss her so terribly. I appreciate your comment.
For real parents must be applauded. Thanks for some useful insights, great eye opener.
Thanks for reading & commenting rarestone1, I really appreciate you taking the time.
Well put. I thought I was prepared for children, but I don't think anything can prepare you for parenthood no matter how loving, tough, wealthy, healthy, resourceful, energetic, or mature you are. Thanks for keeping it real...
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I know having kids is a big responsibility and hope my spouse is equally responsible. I have a friend whose husband just plays with the kids but expects her to do all the other chores for the newborn baby & another toddler (as if kids are like toys to give joy to us).
Thanks so much, countrywomen for the thoughtful comment. It's sad your friend has to go through that. It can really put a crimp on a relationship when one partner is the person who has to do the discipline & the hard work, I've even seen some relationships end because of it. I wish all the luck in the world to your friend, the fact that her husband is treating the kids like they're entertainment isn't cool :(
you know, this sounds alot like my mom. i actually am preparing to become a parent in the next 5-10 years so this information is very valuable to me. thank you very much : )
Thank-you, roastedpinebark, I'm so happy you're taking your time in life to have a child and that you found this hub useful.
Nicole, thank you so much for writing this article. My husband is absolutely smitten with the idea of having a little "us", but I am anxious about parenthood. Actually, I think the word is petrified. When I see your first lesson, "My primary reason for being is the protection and guidance of another human being" I have a negative response from my gut. I have always wanted to make an impact on the world through my career, and I fear this very point will undermine that. People say that what you want from life changes completely when you have children, but what if it just makes you resentful?
Kristine: Thank-you so much for taking the time to read and comment, I really appreciate it. Wow... Can I refer you guys over to another hub I wrote: http://hubpages.com/hub/Should-We-Decide-to-Have-a ... If possible you and your husband, if he's amendable should read this together. It sounds to me from what you're saying that your career is really important to you. I know a few men who now stay home with their children while their wives work outside of the home. Perhaps that might work for you as a couple. This is a really important decision if possible some couple's counseling may even be warranted. If either of you balks at the idea, remember, it's not to fix something that is broken, it's just so both of you can be in a safe place, exploring all the options available to you. Please let me know how things go for you. Good luck!
mistyhorizon2003 says:
16 months ago
Great Hub, especially as I am in the process of a personal battle with infertility and am trying to get pregnant naturally as my Husband and I cannot afford the IVF the Specialist recommends that we will need. If you have time take a look at my Hub http://hubpages.com/hub/My-Desparate-for-a-Baby-Di as it will give you an idea of how badly I want a baby, at the same time as I am bearing in mind your words with regards to the committment involved if we are lucky enough to be successful.