Triggers During Recovery - Place

Four years ago I volunteered to get inpatient treatment for a mental illness. At the time I was in my third year of college and living in my own apartment. I was rapidly succumbing to obsessive suicidal attempts and ideation. It's strange to hear myself share life in those terms because of how different things are now. For me the intervention was incredibly helpful. Through dedicated cognitive behavioral therapy, affirmation, medication, and calming tea I was able to get over myself and get back to life. The experience was transforming.

After two weeks inpatient and one month outpatient I fealt ready to get back to the activities I'd left behind. Two months after outpatient I was back at college and ready to pick up where I left off. Having returned to the same college where I'd exprienced my mental illness progress, and to where I'd tried to commit suicide multiple times, I learned very quickly what it means to be "triggered." A trigger is an aesthetic reaction to a place, person, color, shape, smell, touch, etc. that causes you to vividly remember the feelings of the past. This can be any traumatic experience. Being triggered may mean a person relives the past in their mind and all over their body. For me this was the most difficult part of mental illness recovery.

When passing familiar places with my new mind my initial thoughts were: "Wow, it's great to be back." "I am lucky to still be alive and grateful to have a second chance." These thoughts then became fear based. The triggers were everywhere and the memories were so strong from what I had gone through in that place. This did not last forever, but at the timeit fealt like it would. The most useful tools I found to get me through were affirmations such as: "This too shall pass," and other practices:

breathing exerciseshypnotherapy

patience

journal therapy

talk therapy.

Later I would learn the importance of routine and exercise. I also got a lot out of the Meditation Retreat lectures by Pema Chodron, on "Getting Unstuck." Pema emphasizes the importance of "staying" through triggers and describes the common habits of the mind to avoid dealing with difficult critics or what she has come to be known in Buddhist teachings as Shenpa. A lot of great advice in that recording.

Triggers to place can be so strong and our mind may say it's that time all over again - but it's not.The unfortunate fact about triggers to place is that the actual place may be and often is healthy but the individual assosciates the place with a negative memory. With practice and time the mind can be retrained and triggers can lessen. This was the case for me and through continual research on how the mind works I truelly believe this is the case for others as well - no matter how extreme the situation is. It takes practice, pateince, understanding, and forgiveness.

Need some tools for your toolbox?

Time, affirmations, dedication to the recovery, cognitive behavioral worksheets from The Beck Institute, a very user-friendly journal workbook (the link will take you to Amazon.com), and my favorite: "Catalogue It!" A technique I used for a while where if I was triggered I'd immediately visualize myself looking at a magazine or picture of an anonymous person walking or standing wherever I was. I observed the image and forced a different perspective.

Specific Experience with Triggers

One of the most difficult experiences I had with this was 6 months after treatment when I was asked out on a date by a guy who I'd had a serious crush on during my sickest days. We'd had a class together and found eachother at the same coffee shop at the same time one morning. (unknown to me the crush was mutual). He asked to sit with me and I excitedly said yes. I was very groggy from a week of trying to commit suicide but we managed to converse. It was a confusing time. He was in a bad relationship and I was in a bad relationship with myself so it wasn't the right time for either us to start up anything. A year later we ran into eachother again and were both in such better places in our lives. He asked me out and of course we wanted to have coffee at the shop because we're extremely big hopeful romantics. He didn't know that the coffee house was a place I associated with the past struggles. It was my routine to go there. We went and I had enough knowledge to know the negative associations would eventually pass. I didn't want to be brought down. It took quite a while for such places to lose their weight. My amazing and understanding partner and I have gone on to share many amazing, positive memories and I now associate the coffee house with him and our meeting...but also a symbol for overcoming strong triggers.