The dogs, the dogs! Their barking is driving me mad, barking mad. Will it ever stop? The cacophony of sound is truly deafening. There is a chain reaction with each dog setting off the next, like cascading dominoes, until there is a whole army of excited yips, yaps, yups and woofs, emanating from every house on the street. Yes, the dogs are off.

Every house has at least two little dogs (three is more common). The favorites are Jack Russell’s, Yorkshire’s and poodles with even the odd Basset Hound. Each has its distinctive bark and I know them all by heart know. The barking, the barking, its driving me barking mad, and in fact it is one of the reasons that people cite for leaving Costa Rica.

Many times I have considered buying a gun and taking matters into my own hands, becoming a dog vigilante. I could patrol the street with my pistols slung low in my holsters, alert and ready to draw. Any dog which barks too loud or for too long, or simply has an irritating bark, would be for the chop. To be taken out, to be “whacked” as it were. One well aimed shot and bang, he’s gone, never to bother me again. Oh the joy of it! After only a few nights, peace would reign in the neighborhood.

Perhaps I could let all of the dogs escape, or put them all to sleep permanently. I could throw them some meat laced with a powerful and lethal sleeping potion. That would work probably, but I fear it would provide only a temporary solution, a brief respite from the nightly auditory onslaught. You see, Costa Rican’s are so much in love with their small dogs that they would just go and buy some more to replace them. So, this is not a viable solution.

I could send the little dogs a message, if you know what I mean. Something like the well known IRA threat of “shut up or I’ll break your knee caps”. I believe that used to work quite well in Ireland. But how do you say it in dog’s language? Dr. Doolittle, help!

Or how about the old Crocodile Dundee trick of staring into the animal’s eyes, pointing two fingers at it, and passing the message telepathically? Might that work? Can anyone teach me how to do that?

Perhaps I could take the passive approach, and just use earplugs. Maybe, but as the little darlings are prone to barking at any time of the day or night, that is also impracticable.

Well then, how about if I get three dogs of my own, but really, big scary beasts with fangs that could slice through a collar bone, and heads that could batter down a door? With my oversized dogs I could scare the little dogs shitless. They wouldn’t dare open their mouths again.

Mind you, I do have some sympathy for my pint-sized canine neighbours. In other countries, dog owners walk their dogs, usually twice a day. Not so in Costa Rica. The dogs in my street never get taken for a walk, so no wonder they are so uptight and frustrated. They never get the chance to mark their territory with a burst of urine on every upright object that they pass; never get the chance to sample the exquisite delight of sniffing other dogs’ bottoms; and certainly never have the chance of actual sexual activity. It’s not as if a dog can take care of itself, as humans are prone to do, to relieve the frustration either, is it?

So when other dogs do walk down my street, especially if they are of the opposite sex, it is not really surprising that the little guys break into an uncontrollable frenzy of yapping, yipping, leaping up and down, and even hurling themselves at the fence of their enclosure in their fractious frustration.

No, the real solution is for the owners to respect their dogs’ needs. Walk them daily, let them do what dogs like to do. For one thing it would relieve the owners’ front gardens of what must be a sea of dog droppings. But I can’t force the owners to walk their dogs now can I?

So, I have decided that compassion is the answer. Peace and goodwill to all canines. I will love my neighbor’s dog as if it was my own. And when it barks at me, I will turn the other ear in true Christian fashion, so that it can bark some more.

Indeed, the next time the barking starts I shall take a deep breath, smile sweetly, exhale slowly and think loving, peaceful thoughts towards my knee-high doggy friends. Ah, the adorable little creatures, what charming voices they have.

Yes, I will think peaceful, loving, compassionate thoughts, just before my patience snaps and I open the window and shout at the top of my voice “Shut up you little pests before I come and break you fricking necks!” Now, that always makes me feel much better.

Or then again, I could always move house, or street, or town - or country!.

END

Copyright (c) 2009 Michael Curley. All rights reserved.