Sex before marriage - should you or shouldn't you?
80
Try before you buy?
Let's get this straight first of all. In this Hub, I'm not talking about whether you should have casual sex. I'm talking about what to do once you've found The One you want to walk down the aisle with.
Should you sleep with each other or even move in together before the ceremony, or not?
You wouldn't buy a pair of jeans without trying them on. You wouldn't choose a dinner set based on the picture on the box - you'd want to take the china out and hold it in your hands. So can you really select a lifelong partner just by dating?
When two people are dating, even if they’re together every day, there are parts of each other’s lives they know nothing about. When you go to his place, chances are he’ll make at least a half-hearted attempt to tidy up for your visit. Do you know what the place looks like when he’s not expecting a visitor? Do you know if he snores, or leaves the top off the toothpaste?
In fact, if he’s still living at home, do you know whether he tidies up at all? You may find it’s his Mom who picks his clothes up off the floor, does his ironing and cleans his room. Does he even know how to do those things himself? Or will he expect you to take over where Mom left off? This can apply just as much to women living at home – they’re more likely to be able to manage the house, but if Daddy has been paying for her every whim, she may expect her husband to do the same!
These things may sound trivial, but it's surprising how minor irritating habits can become a huge problem in a relationship, if they’re seriously incompatible with yours - so it's important to discover what they are and whether you can live with them!
The only way to really know the answers to these questions is to live together - and if you live together, inevitably you're going to sleep together. Which brings us to the Big Question!
Sexual compatibility
The concept of Try Before You Buy applies here, too. Sexual compatibility isn’t the be-all and end-all of marriage by any means, but it is a big cause of marriage failure.
Sex drives vary hugely from one person to another, in women as much as men. If one partner only feels like sex once a month and the other wants it every night, you can imagine the level of frustration the more highly-sexed partner will feel. If both are willing to compromise, they can have a successful marriage – but if one or other insists on having things their way, the marriage will be on the rocks very quickly.
Hidden dangers
It’s not only sexual compatibility you have to worry about. Even though homosexuality is more accepted these days, it's still common for men and women to be confused or fearful about their sexual preference, especially in their teens and twenties. That can lead them to seek refuge in a safe, socially acceptable relationship. There are even Christian organizations who urge gay men to get married, on the basis that homosexuality can be cured by the love of a good woman.
Young women who want to "save themselves for marriage" are most likely to fall into this trap. Tired of fending off dirty-minded men who "just want to get into your pants", a man who offers love without pressure seems like a dream come true. But in reality, if you meet a man like this, alarm bells should be going off in your head!
The average healthy male, if he’s truly in love with you, should find it a real challenge to keep his hands off you. He's not being "dirty-minded": to a heterosexual man, romantic love and sex are inextricably intertwined - he can't imagine one without the other. If he loves you, he’ll respect your wishes to wait – but if you’re not getting the sense that it’s hard for him to abstain, then you should be suspicious. He may just have a low sex drive, but he could also be gay.
Here's a quote from a man who grew up in a small town where being gay was "unthinkable", and so he dated girls:
"On dates, you'd remind her that sex before marriage was just that, sex: what dogs did in the yard. This as opposed to making love, which was more what you were about. A true union of souls . . . you were willing to wait. You sometimes discussed it...on the back porch, when your girlfriend's brother was mowing the lawn with his shirt off."
Such men are not necessarily being devious - they may be genuinely confused or in denial about their sexual orientation. Because they don't have to confront the reality of having sex with you, they may genuinely believe everything will be "all right on the night".
In my adult life I've known three women, all of whom "waited for marriage" before sleeping with their man - only to discover, on the honeymoon, why their fiances hadn't been in a hurry to get them into bed. They were all gay. One of the husbands died of AIDS, fortunately without infecting his wife. Isn't it chilling that I should have come across three such cases in my relatively small acquaintance?
There are many other secrets, such as depression, violent temper, or obsessive-compulsive disorder, which can be masked in brief meetings but which can create havoc in a marriage.
For all these reasons, my own view is that living together before marriage is always the safest option!
*
All text copyright Marisa Wright. Wedding couple courtesy of Puja, balcony couple by Please! Don't Smile, both on flickr.
Share it! — Rate it: up down [flag this hub]
Comments
Bravo my friend.. this is a great hub I almost wrote myself! I've been battling this issue out with my roomate who believes finally that sex before marriage is not bad although against some church rules, that their needs to be a test drive definately before marriage. I believe humbly that if you've found that love of your life, of which I have yet to, that you should not only live with them no less than a year before you decide to marry them (for all reasons you said above) but you should definately have sex before marriage because although we'd love to say that sex isnt a big part of a relationship it truly is, I have not been able to stay with at least one girl because the sexual incompadibility was too much for me. Although I speak for myself only, I believe this is important.
Great hub Marissa, something that most young ones, well all single couples should read and think long and hard about.
Great Hub Incredibly frank and realistic. You need to be friends too and not just bedfelllows. lots of issues raise their heads (oops) here. All young couples shuold read this hub.
Well it is very well written and has much good advise..but NO wait..You can find out what you need to know..while learning about the one you love. It may come close to having sex...but wait...wait...wait.
Why not wait? that's what I want to know? In this day and age sex is far to free (my ipinion) and meaningless.
No one is perfect and you shouldn't be thinking that way( about perfect)..so what if he leaves the top off the Tooth Paste? do you ever burn the pizza? A lot can be perfected during the marriage and made better...if you are truly committed.
Maybe it's just my age,and I have not been perfect and have been divorced and lost a man to a younger woman after 33 yrs.So it's probably my old fashion ways that caused this? God guides our hearts and our minds,,,Trust in yourself....
G-Ma :o) hugs
Since getting to know someone is a lot more than "knowing" them sexually, I think the argument remains a bit fallacious. And frankly, if a future spouse is like a pair of jeans, I don't know why one ought to get married in the first place--wear them while their comfortable, and when they wear out, head out for another.
One should both be attracted to a significant other. But what honestly keeps a marriage together is friendship.
Anyhow, I certainly agree with the part about being suspicious if a fellow DOESN'T feel like doing you before marriage. But it oughtn't to be a problem, not having sex before. Unless, of course, you're looking for a good pair of jeans, and all that that implies.
Thanks for the comments! G-Ma, I agree with you in one way - too many young folks these days think they SHOULD be looking for Mr Perfect, and that's unrealistic. But in our day, when people married, divorce was almost unthinkable. Even though you were unhappy, you stuck it out for years.
These days, people are brought up to believe that if they're unhappy in a relationship, they're entitled to move on. We can't change that, I'm afraid - so it's vitally important they're sure about their choice before they start. I've approached this from the sex angle, but really, it's the living together that is more of a test than the sex part - it's just that once a couple move in together, sex is inevitably part of it.
Well I must say I wasn't expecting you to go that way with the hub Marisa! That's a good point to think about and (hopefully!) discuss with a future potential spouse- are they gay.
I'll make two of my own comments:
1. My wife and I didn't do the "try before you buy" deal. We lived apart and didn't have sex until we were married.
2. Studies show that living together before being married greatly increases the chances of divorce. I'm not talking about conservative / Christian / whatever studies- these are secular studies. So rather than living together and probably having sex before being married, I would suggest talking things out! My wife and I talked about a TON of things before we got married and it helped greatly!
WeddingConsultant, I agree that communication is the fundamental key to a successful marriage. Unfortunately the average couple does not communicate enough. As a writer, you're more articulate than the average person, remember! When a couple lives apart, it's much easier for them to avoid communication. Living together forces even inarticulate people to communicate more - or discover that they can't!
It's NOT TRUE that "living together greatly increases the chance of divorce". That's the conventional wisdom, (which is conveniently repeated by Christian groups without any stats to back it up) but there have been other studies which find the opposite. Remember that many studies are sponsored, which increases the chance of bias either way! Here's an example:
http://www.contemporaryfamilies.org/docs/CCF%20220
I have to agree with G-Ma Johnson (my mom is g-ma johnson too!). Anyhow, I did not have sex with anyone before I met my now husband. We dated, got engaged, and did have sex a few months before the wedding. I wish to this day that we had waited just because I had always wanted to have it happen on my wedding night. Most people don't care about that sort of thing anymore...but statistically couples who wait have a much lower divorce rate than those who don't. Whereas, those who move in together have a slightly higher one. It makes sense considering that more couples are moving in before marriage nowadays...and more couples are also divorcing. I'm not a marriage expert by any means, but it's something to chew on.
Erin
"statistically couples who wait have a much lower divorce rate than those who don't." - check out my comment above yours, Erin. This statement is one of those myths that get quoted and re-quoted around the internet until everyone thinks they're true. Take the time to check out the research and you find it's not substantiated.
Marisa, I was going through some of my old comments and came across this one where I didn't answer your rebuttal of my point, so I'm back!
http://www.leaderu.com/critical/cohabitation-socio
The above website states that those who live together before marriage have higher separation and divorce rates, have unhappier marriages, are more likely to have affairs, etc.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5025b_q
That website says statistics show upwards of 80% increases in divorces for those who live together before marriage.
http://love.ivillage.com/snd/sndcouplehood/0,,mhrq
Finally, that link is to an article describing a Rutgers University study which states that marriages are not as happy, successful, etc. when living together prior to getting hitched.
These are secular and Christian resources, so I'm not sure that pulling religion into the conversation is relevant to what the studies are showing. On both sides of the fence (Christian vs. non), there are experts who agree that living together (and having sex) before marriage is more detrimental than helpful.
I hope this helps clear up the statistic Erin and I quoted.
And if you'd like more, simply google:
Divorce rate of people who live together before marriage
That's what I did and got the following results:
I appreciate your comments, WeddingConsultant, which add to the information in my Hub. However I still reserve the right not to agree with you.
We all know there are "statistics, statistics and damn lies" - it is always possible to find statistics to support either side of the argument. I did, indeed, Google the research after you posted and I found just as much supporting evidence as against (when you exclude the sites that cite the same old information).
Marisa, you absolutely have the right to disagree. I'm not trying to convince you otherwise. I did, however, want to demonstrate that I wasn't pulling baseless statistics out of thin air as you have indicated with your comment to my first post ("without any stats to back it up"). There have been studies that show side-effects of living together before being married from all different types of research organizations, universities, corporations, etc.
Regardless, I know we both agree that communication is the key to a good marriage as you noted! Communication and finances are two of the biggest divisive topics in marriage, so if anyone can cover those two then I'd say they're off to a great marriage!
Interesting hub, Marisa, and well written! I really like the pictures you used.
Good article, you really raised a lot of good points:)
Nicely put, thank you!
" statistically couples who wait have a much lower divorce rate than those who don't"
that doesn't say a lot about cause and effect, though. It might well the case that people who don't have pre-marital sex are far more likely to stay together for fear of divorce-stigma, even when a relationship is abusive. I don't think you can say that pre-marital sex = unhappy marriage.
I agree 100%, LondonGirl. The statistics are also distorted because they include all couples who have moved in together before marriage - whether they are just "shacked up" together or have gone into the relationship after proper consideration.
My guess is that if they could survey only those couples who approached living together with the same seriousness as marriage, the divorce rate would be about the same.
working
SweetiePie says:
4 months ago
This is a very good topic. I think you presented it well. Thanks for sharing.