I want you to consider a basic communication skill that often gets left behind when your negative feelings and thoughts are stirred to a boiling point when you first discover the marital infidelity or extramarital affair in your marriage.

Messaging is a basic communication skill demanded in a marriage or relationship of mutual investment and it is appropriate and especially vital when facing the marital infidelity type: "My Marriage Made Me Do It."

Messaging upon discovery of the marital infidelity converts what you want to say into a simple sentence or phrase that expresses the truth and intends to spark reflection and perhaps action in the other person.

Someone involved in the "My Marriage Made Me Do It" infidelity (the first of seven types of marital infidelity) lacks an inner compass. There is no mooring. There is no anchor that s/he can throw out and say, "This is where I stand."

I firmly believe that someone in that situation really WANTS an inner compass, wants to fill the void and at one level, in the recesses of that person's soul, is a part that truly believes that this OP (other person) can and will NOT provide what s/he truly desires.

You want your message to “grab” the other person as your words pierce to the heart of the matter and confront the marital infidelity.

You message when you have a point to make, when you want the other person to act and especially when time is of the essence.

Messaging can and should be used effectively in all communication but can be especially powerful when facing the marital infidelity in your life.

Messaging works because it bypasses the defenses of the other person.

Your spouse will find it difficult to defend herself (attack, explain or withdraw) when you message. As well, when crafted correctly, the message speaks the truth. The truth cannot be ignored. It is true: the truth sets people free.

Here’s where you begin.

Make sure you stand in the shoes of your spouse. Try to imagine and feel what it is like for him/her in his/her circumstances of marital infidelity. (This may take some doing, but hey, it’s his/her problem, s/he’s messing up his/her life. S/he’s going off the deep end. You don’t have to jump off behind him/her.)

Study and become very familiar with the dynamics of this kind of marital infidelity. This knowledge will help you message the truth.

When messaging, do not use the word I. Messaging is about him/her, never about you. The message refers to the actions, behaviors or dynamics of the other person. It refers to the truth about the other person, or that person’s life or situation.

• It must be easy for you to lose yourself with him/her.
• You don't seem to think much beyond your relationship with him/her. You must wonder how long that can continue.
• It is very normal to throw yourself at another person when you feel so empty.
• It is very easy to question a marriage when Prince Charming (Miss Perfect) comes along.
• You can throw away an old pair of pants when you get a new one. But, the new one also becomes old.
• Your need to fill your emptiness is overriding your integrity.
• It seems to me that there is this great hole in you, and you think the other person will fill it.
• Do you ever wonder whether s/he is as great as you think s/he is?
• You seem to give all your energy to him/her and not have much left.

• Do you REALLY know what you are doing? Any doubts?

Remember, how you present the message is just as important as the message itself.

• Charge Neutral. Charge Neutral. Charge Neutral. Charge Neutral. Without Charging Neutral your message loses it's impact.
• Keep is short and sweet. No lectures. Don't go on and on and on....

• Speak straight and speak simple. Speak and let silence prevail.