*I'm going to make sure I never take off these awesome pair of shades just in the off-chance that I'll die. Because what would be cooler then dying with shades on? You gotta look good to get into Heaven.

*I've been looking for audiences for my stand-up lately, and, I found that a good source is at particularly crowded movie theaters on day one. I'll inevitably get booed off the stage, but it is good practice.

*From time to time I will get mail envy and switch the numbers on my mailbox. Then it turns out I have to pay higher bills and I learn my lesson.

*I've got a fast-forward, pause, and a play button on a remote that controls the Universe but I'm out of batteries. They don't make size BC anymore.

*Supercharged, young at heart, ready to fly off the face of the earth, held back by gravity, determined to make it, stranded on Earth by the sheer will of God: the Sloth makes a name for itself as a motivated achiever.

*I'm starting to think that Hispanic soccer announcers shout "Goaaaaaal" in proportion to the length of time it takes to score a goal. Five minutes into the game, five minute shout.

*I think the whole thing about Obama is great. He's really what we need right now. But I can't help but think how awesome it would be if he pulled a Zidane and shot Donald Rumsfeld right before leaving office.

*I tell people that I'm into advertising. No, I don't have a degree in it I'll just stay up late at night and watch infomercials of shamwow and extenZe. They really need to give ads more air time. I feel like they're just crammed in between tv shows. Really unfair.

*My unibrow, if you couldn't tell by now, is a symbol of unity and peace. It's the bridge that crosses two great nations.

*Let's hear it for friends! Not you guys. I was talking about my real friends. You guys are just here to laugh whenever it's convenient for you. SOME FRIENDSHIP.

*True story: I snuck into a room at my college with the sign "FACULTY AND STAFF ONLY" and true enough, there was a blood pressure machine. Who would have thought. I've got the feeling mine isn't the only college.

*In the 1970's, a musical called Godspell came out. Ever since then, the world has been a bit less awesome. There are some things we can't erase. It doesn't help when we repeat the same mistakes on high school and college campuses either.

*My first couple jokes were terrible, so I went back and added some swear words to them. Now they're hilarious! It's like magic! I'm going to write a book about this and make millions.

*I've got to say, for all my jokes that have worked, I've got hundreds that don't work out so well. Who well stand up and laugh when nobody else is listening?