Love, Sex & Relationships - Monogamy is Unnatural & Responsible Non-monogamy Can Save a Relationship

It's difficult for many of us to see how responsible

non-monogamy can save a relationship; fears and

misconceptions about this emotionally touchy subject 

can interfere with understanding how it can be beneficial. 

Although non-monogamy is not for everyone and is not 

always appropriate, below is a comparison of monogamy 

and responsible non-monogamy. Note: cheating, lying, 

unsafe sex, and promiscuity are not part of responsible 

non-monogamy. Complete and radical honesty with your 

partner is, and that seems to be what's most threatening

and challenging to many of us. 

With the custom of monogamy, you own each other, sort of 

like how you own property. Your partner is yours and if they 

even look at someone else the wrong way anger and jealousy 

are common. 

With responsible non-monogamy, a couple accepts that owning 

the rights to each other isn't love, but possessiveness. 

What about the possibility of one of them falling in love with 

someone else and abandoning the other? This can happen in 

any relationship because you don't need to sleep with someone

to fall in love with them. Furthermore, it seems that when two 

people are destined to meet and fall in love they will, 

regardless of whether or not they are single or involved.

With the custom of a traditional commitment and monogamy, 

falling in love with someone means that fantasies (such as 

"together forever" and "you are mine for the rest of my life" 

and "grow old together") become expectations, and when they

aren't met it results in disappointment, heartache, anger, 

and even divorce. 

A responsibly non-monogamous couple tends to accept their 

relationship as it is rather than how they want it to be or how 

it's "supposed to be." They realize that if their relationship 

fades or their partner falls in love with someone else, that's 

the way it was likely destined to be. If your relationship ends, 

wouldn't you rather accept that there is a more appropriate 

match out there instead of pretending that your existing 

connection is "the one" forever? 

With the custom of monogamy, when someone cheats it is kept

secret. Because monogamy and honesty are often assumed in

relationships, both the cheater and the person being cheated

on are at risk for contracting STDs. According to statistics,

over 50% of men and women in "committed" relationships

cheat on their partners. Is assumed monogamy realistic or

safe? 

With responsible non-monogamy, because there are no sexual 

secrets, a couple is more likely to discuss and practice safe

sex.

With the custom of monogamy, based on the above statistics, 

the illusion of monogamy is much more important to many 

people than honesty. 

Responsibly non-monogamous couples, on the other hand, 

place more value on radical honesty because truthfulness 

brings them closer together. In light of this, responsible 

non-monogamy could potentially reduce the divorce rate 

and introduce a deeper level of honesty in relationships. 

With the custom of monogamy, it's common to blame an

ex-partner and their affair for the reason why the 

relationship didn't last. It's interesting to note that

the policy of strict monogamy is never blamed in these 

situations, yet many who cheat appear better suited for 

non-monogamy. Truth be told, some people (both men 

and women) feel like caged animals in long-term 

monogamous relationships.  

With the custom of monogamy, the topic of exclusive intimacy

often is not discussed, but is usually expected. Is this

always realistic or even reasonable, especially when you

know the person has strayed in previous relationships or

sense he or she isn't the kind of person who would be happy

being sexually exclusive with one person for the rest of his

or her life? 

That brings us to related topics: Can we honestly expect 

sexual passion to last decades in all relationships? Also, 

what happens if one partner loses interest in sex or if one 

reveals, years later, that he or she really doesn't like sex

and wants to avoid it? Masturbation is not a good long-term 

substitute for sexual intimacy.

With the custom of monogamy, you are supposed to be attracted

to your partner and only your partner. If you have desires for

or fantasies about someone else, even if you don't act on them,

they are kept secret. This form of dishonesty can drive a wedge

between couples. 

With responsible non-monogamy, the couple acknowledges 

that we are all human and an attraction to someone else, 

especially during a long-term monogamous relationship, is 

natural.

A responsibly non-monogamous couple puts their commitment

to each other and their relationship first so an attraction

to someone else is less of a threat. It is natural to feel

insecure or jealous if your partner is attracted to someone

else, and it's going to happen whether you're monogamous or

not, but when a couple is open and honest with each other

about the subject it's a lot less likely to cause a problem. 

What about children, you ask? Some responsibly non-

monogamous and progressive couples create a "commitment 

contract," where financial arrangements and planning 

covering possible scenarios (together for 5 years, 10 years, 

20 years, etc.) are agreed upon prior to marriage and before 

children are conceived. A new concept? Hardly. Ancient 

Egyptians had 5 and 10 year marriage contracts. If mutually 

agreed upon, they would renew. Although it's not easy to 

address the subject like you would a business matter, it's 

much tougher to do so later in divorce court. If two people 

are unwilling to confront or unable to agree on these issues 

before marriage it's a red flag for their longevity as a

couple.    

With the custom of monogamy, sex is love, and if your 

partner has sex with someone else, they've betrayed you 

emotionally and it must mean they don't love you anymore. 

Responsibly non-monogamous couples realize that while 

love can be expressed through sex, sex in itself with a 

secondary partner (if okay with all involved--including the 

primary partner) does not have to diminish the love already 

established with the primary partner, nor does it put the 

primary relationship at risk, if the primary connection is 

solid. Something real cannot be threatened. This idea is 

similar to having one best friend and many good friends; 

you don't expect your best friend to fulfill everything for 

you that many friends do.  

With the custom of monogamy, often it's "No cheating or 

else!" 

Responsibly non-monogamous couples realize that giving such

an ultimatum is about as effective as telling your teenager 

never to drink alcohol. It's more effective to discuss the

issue and to have a "no punishment policy" for your kids if

they call you for a ride to avoid driving drunk or to avoid

riding with someone who is drinking and driving. Similarly,

such a policy for responsible non-monogamy will encourage 

honesty and can strengthen the commitment.   

Lastly and most importantly, if we cheat, even if no one finds 

out, negative karma is incurred and we set ourselves up for a 

similar situation to "happen to" us in the future. Whatever 

action we take will, in time, come back to us, so even though 

radical honesty in relationships may be difficult it is often

the best policy. The eyes of truth are always watching us.

Scott Petullo

http://www.mystictwins.com/

http://www.scottpetullo.com

Stephen Petullo

Copyright © Scott Petullo, Stephen Petullo