Masterful Parenting information

Bonnie and Elliot’s ten-year-old son, Justin, responds to all of their order with an debate or gripe. They talk, demand, request and even plead to get him to do what they want. Every effort to challenge hisdispute with logic, but the harder they try, the worse it seems to get. The parents’ view of the problem: He is argumentative and uncompliant.

Every parent wants the best for thier children, and hope to see them grow into happy healthy adults. As much as every parent may want the same thing for thier children, few provide it for them in a useful way.The harder parents try to improve matters between them and their children, the more entrenched the predicament seems to become.

What is the disconnect?

parents rarely choose the right goals to focus on.

What is the most important thing for parents to focus on?

There are many things parents can be concerned with - behaviors, emotions, education, morals, health. But the most frustrating situations for parents usually come down to the simple desire that a child behave the way a parent expects and wants a child to behave.

Concentrating on behavior (that which you can see, hear, and know) together with a focus on compliance (with its implications for courtesy, respect, and character) will do more to improve your child-rearing abilities than any other single focus. Being aware of thier behavior and learning to control thier impulses will do more good for your children than moral lectures and abstract examples of right and wrong.By not learning these skills at a young age, the child's life only gets harder.

What is compliance?

If you focus on getting your children to comply with your commands, you will help them develop an appropriate self image and experience more contentment. You as a parent will benefit, too, from a more satisfying relationship with children who are responsible and courteous. Without first establishing the expectation of compliance, children are unlikely to enjoy these benefits.

In the scenario above, encouraging compliance in their child meant that the parents would change their approach to Kyle’s arguments.

The parents came to understand that the problem was not that Kyle was argumentative and stubborn, but that he didn’t comply with their directives. Kyle's parents realized that talking, no matter how persuasive, will never bring about the kind of behavioral change they ultimately were looking for. They only became more emotional and wordy, and Kyle responded in kind. By refusing to argue and remaining emotionally calm, the parents calmly and patiently continued to restate thier expectations in response to any objection. Although he fought initially, his parents steadfastness eventually overcame his objections, and he complied with thier requests.

If you’re like many parents, right now you are skeptical of a new style of interaction with your children, but you may be willing to try something new in order to change their behavior. Try the following elements with your next parenting difficulty and see if they don't make a difference:

*Scale back your focus from abstract, global problems to simple behaviors you would like to see or cease.

* You get more of what you demonstrate, so begin keeping a calm, non-emotional presence when in conflict with your child (after all, if you can't, how can they?)

* Keep your words to a bare minimum, clearly indicating that you expect the child to comply with your instruction.

* Stay quietly and firmly focused on your message. Don’t be diverted from your focus on compliance by their arguments.

As you shift from words and emotion to action, there will be less arguing, less anger, fewer tantrums, and less turmoil in the household.