Ten Reasons Why The Phantom Menace is the worst Star Wars Film

While the The Empire Strikes Back represents the heroes’ journey through hell, The Phantom Menace is just hell. It does have its moments, though. The movie is good when lightsabers are buzzing away, especially the exhilarating duel between Qui Gon Jinn, Obi Wan Kenobi, and Darth Maul. Basically anytime there is action the movie shines. But all the special effects and technical wizardry in the world mean little without a great story and characters to hold it together. So here are the main reasons that contributed to the resounding disappointment that is Episode I:

Jar Jar Binks: Self explanatory. I tried to find a video on YouTube to remind you of the horror, but most of them are labelled "Die, Jar Jar, Die" or something to that effect.

Anakin sure is cheerful for being enslaved: “Yippee”? Is that a phrase a slave actually utters? I originally imagined him more like Haley Joel Osment in the Sixth Sense: a shy, troubled child.

Midi-chlorians: Star Wars is at its heart a fantasy, with science fiction trappings. The Force was always a mystical energy field, a source of mysterious superhuman powers. Midi-chlorians strike me as George Lucas’ attempt to inject more “sci-fi” in the Star Wars universe. The idea of microscopic organisms in one’s cells that can be measured quantitatively and communicate with the Force diminishes the mystique of it all.

Dumb luck is strong with Anakin: The Force was strong with Luke. To destroy the Death Star, he used his instincts guided by the Force, along with skill, determination, nerve, and a little help from Han. Anakin on the other hand, just happened to hide in a ship that just happened to fly into the middle of a dull space battle. He maneuvered wildly and just happened to fly into a hangar on the main droid control ship. He fired proton torpedoes all over the place and just happened to hit the main reactor conveniently located in the hangar. What type of engineering genius puts a main reactor in the hangar of a ship? Sheer dumb luck.

It’s like Star Wars as seen on C-Span: The taxation of trade routes, trade federations, debates in the Senate…these are the times that I actually noticed the time pass. If they started discussing gerrymandering or pork barrel spending I wouldn’t have been surprised.

Not enough Darth Maul: The coolest character in the movie has the least amount of screen time, and then DIES. The rest of the audience cheered when Obi Wan sliced him in half. But in the words of Eric Cartman I cried “tears of unfathomable sadness”.

That Two Headed Announcer Guy: He presides over the Boonta Eve Podrace spewing vile clichés. “That’s gotta hurt!” he announced at the end. Well he can just raise the roof and talk to the hand.

The inexplicable promotion of Jar Jar Binks: The rank of general seems to be given generously in the Star Wars universe, as evidenced by the promotions of Captain Han Solo and civilian Lando Calrissian (for his little maneuver at the Battle of Tanaab). So you do something remotely cool…wham! General. Considering these somewhat lax standards it is still a surprise that Boss Nass bestowed that rank upon the clumsy idiot Jar Jar. Sure, he did help bring together the humans and Gungans of Naboo. But does that warrant full command of your military? The following scene from the Battle of Naboo illustrates Jar Jar’s inadequate qualifications:

Captain Tarpals: “Jar Jar! Usa da booma!”

Jar Jar Binks: “Meesa donta hava da booma!”

Now a more competent officer would have had a booma prepared and would have known to use it at the proper time.

No wiseass character: Han Solo brought a lot of sarcastic swagger to the original trilogy. Having a character with a similar disposition would have made a great counterbalance to those stuffy Jedi.

Gungan life debt?: I always thought this was a unique cultural trait among Wookies, particularly Chewbacca. Apparently Gungans have it, too, as a plot device. Three reasons have Jar Jar in it, that tells you something.

Although The Phantom Menace is the bottom rung of the Star Wars saga, there are far worse movies to watch (Anything with Bratz in the title). TPM is fun to watch for its cheesiness and like it or not, it is canon. And it’s just a movie.