So, I live in a fairly nice “gated community” in Texas. I only recently moved here, and due to not really knowing too many people in town, I picked a neighborhood that I thought had the essential elements for a young mover & shaker: centrally located, gated with security, quiet in the evenings, with a gym (which, by the way, I’ve yet to use).

As a caveat, I’ll say that I’m a fairly healthy eater. I almost never order fast food, and have recently severed my ties with most of the “junk” available in your typical grocer. Yes, I think Whole Foods is great…except for the fact that you pay approximately $37 for a can of black beans & two tubs of tofu! This being only a mild exaggeration, and not being in the mood to make a trip there anyway last evening…

…I turned to take-out [or, what I’ve found most who aren’t from the East Coast simply call ‘delivery’].

WELL, in the course of my move to this new city I’d learned, to my horror! that most restaurants don't 'do' single delivery orders. Not the neighborhood Chinese place…the great Thai restaurant which (in my dreams) is only a few blocks away from my cozy little spot.

This truth unearthed, I’m forced to go for a food I almost never eat – pizza.

At least, I rarely eat “commercial” pizza. If anything, I’ll occasionally whip up a crust & make my own at home, partly because I hate marinara sauce…

Yes, I realize my tastes are somewhat…specific...

Anywho, I did what any self-respecting girl would do in my position; I went online & placed my order for a “Veggie Specialty” Pizza with easy marinara. The website quoted me a 45 minute wait time. No issues there.

Now, fully an hour & 15 minutes later, I’d seen neither hide nor hair of the pizza guy. I call The Hut to see what’s up. Some guy who garbles his name tells me the delivery guy JUST LEFT. ~Houston, we have a problem.

Five minutes later, the phone rings. The gentleman (term used loosely) tells me I must walk down & meet him outside the front gate to retrieve my pizza. I ask him why I’d have to do such a thing, as his role in this story is to DELIVER MY FOOD TO MY HOME. He states quickly that he can’t come inside the gate.

WHAT?

…I failed to mention that it is now after 11 p.m., I’m hungry & irritated…and now, I have to go pick up my pizza curbside. By the time this poor man arrives, I am fuming. I ask him once again why he cannot deliver to my home (where I, only moments before, had been lounging ever so comfortably in preparation for the tryptophan carnival I was about to experience).

His response:

“It’s not us. It’s Pizza Hut. They say we cannot come inside the gate because we’ve been robbed too many times inside there.”

Well knock me over with a feather, ladies & gents!

Considering that my neighborhood is fairly quiet (I’ve lived here a few months without incident)…

Not to mention that I haven’t received notice of ANY criminal activity on the premises – EVER [which is probably a lot less likely to happen since we have a city Police Department Precinct ON SITE]…

I find this scenario implausible at best.

I mean, for Pete’s sake! Is “residential profiling” a metric in the pizza delivery decision making process these days?

For this cause, you kept my pie for an extra 30 minutes & I had to come OUTSIDE the safety of my gate to pick it up?

Imagine my surprise when I found out - after trekking home with my meal, of course - that they screwed up my sauce request, shorted me a cheesestick, AND my food was cold!

Ah yes, the beauty of mass production eateries. This makes me so grateful that it’s the one time this year that I’ll have pizza delivered.

PIZZA HUT…of course you know this means war…

Needless to say, someone at the District Office of The Hut will be receiving a letter relaying this in blessed detail. But first, I had to find out if anyone out there ever heard of such a thing?

I mean, really. Customer satisfaction isn’t THAT hard. If I ask you to deliver…deliver hot & to my door – that’s all I ask.