How to Prepare yourself for Black Friday

Thanksgiving is nearly over. People are un-buttoning their pants, and lying back in soft comfortable chairs letting the chemical inside of turkey known as tryptopan course through their veins, making them comatose. Folks are waving good-bye to family members and starting the long drive back to their houses, so they can prepare for work the next day. BUT the most fascinating ritual is the one dubbed the dreaded "Black Friday"

All over the country sad woman are circling articles in the newspaper, and pictures of the items that are being marked down to questionable prices. They are the phones with girlfriends coordinating plans, tactics, and other war like preparations. They are wrapping tape around their knuckles and putting black war paint under their eyes...to them, black Friday is like the war on terror, and they are not about to loose.

Around midnight, they make their way to the designated drop points, and set up base. Coolers, chairs, tents, bags, and if its really cold, heated blankets and soup. They stake their territory and set up armed watches, to make sure the enemy doesn't claim it for their own. Hours later, they crouch ready for battle. The shop owners, carefully make their way to the doors, like a ham being sent to a pit of hungry lionesses. He pulls out the key, and growls escape the mouths of hungry shoppers. If your not careful you could easily be tromped to dead in the sudden chaos that follows.

Every year, this sort of woman-animalistic frenzy occurs on the eve of Thanksgiving. They are in dire need of great deals for the upcoming holiday season, and will stop at nothing to obtain them. I have seen woman thrown in to displays, tripped, even scratched by the other woman who are desperately trying to purchase the same thing. Many women carry an arsenal of weapons to deter other shoppers from messing from them.

This is unacceptable, and if it's war they want, then it is war they shall have.

The Following is a guide on how to prepare yourself for a successful attack also known as Black Friday.

1) the previous day, do a dry run. Time yourself getting from shop point A to shop point B as fast as you can.

2) wear comfortable athletic shoes, ( cleats are appropriate as well)

3) war paint and camouflage is suggested

4) since weapons are not allowed in stores, sharpening your fingernails to sharp points may be acceptable.

5) Give your dog a rubber chew toy and practice trying to wrestle the " desired item" away from them successfully.

6) The most important, have blue prints of the structures you will be raiding. If you know exactly where the 19" LCD TV is, the quicker you can get there before being marauded.

If you follow these simple steps, then you too can be one of thousands of women, getting ready for Black Friday shopping. Make sure to go in with a clear mind, and focus on the objective.

It will be difficult soldier, but as a strong and intelligent women, you will be ready. It can be very stressful, and if you are un-successful, remember you can always try your luck again next year, when Black Friday comes around again. Until then, sharpen those claws, get the mini van warmed up, and remember to give contact information to your children in case they have to bail you out of the jail the next morning.

Good Luck.

Shane Maddon

11/27/98