trying to recover again

First of all, I am not a professional writer. I am just trying to unburden my soul and keep a record of what is going on in my quest to become sober again. I am on the verge of losing everything my career, my marriage, my self and facing possible jail time. I was sober for almost 11 years, and in April of 2007, I lost my way. Now I face two DUIs in 8 days and, now besides the obvious worries, I am tyring to detox at home. I can tell you there is much pacing, sweating, and jitters I can possibly handle.

I hope to chronicle my life as it unfolds on the path I am moving on. I am hoping it will be open, honest and extremely stream of conscience in my writing. Maybe I will expose other facets of my self through my artwork, photos and other forms of writing.

With his my friends, begins the blog of St.James, a man who lives on the west coast of Florida. Wondering which direction his life will take.

Entry 2

Well, after a pain-staking night of talking to the wife, between her tears and her own emotional wreckage, I finally got to sleep until 5 a.m. Moving forward from the usual tasks, such as walking the dog, coffee, and showering. We went to run a few arrands. Which ment riding with her and she is not the best driver nor is she good at listening when giving directions. Which lead to some much unneeded stress. Now, if you have ever been through detoxing, then you know that there is a reason for being in an enviroment where stress is minimalized. Between the skyrocketing blood pressure, the stress on the heart, and the incrediable headaches, you truly can feel yourself red-lining to a bad medical situation. Without saying, I have retreated to the sweet peace and quiet of my place.

I must also admit, that I am thankful that the missus is here incase something goes wrong, but I would be lying if I did not say that there is a sense of relief when she tells me that eventually she is leaving to move on to a better life. She is a good, beautiful, and lovely woman, but we are very different people. What I have found is the old saying "opposites attract" maybe true, but after all the excitement fades and it is just the two of you left standing. You had better have many simularities and things in common, or you are left with nothing to talk about, no common interests, and just a general boredom with the person you have chosen as a companion. Which means we should all probily all look up the word companion, and make a discision if that we fall in line with that definition. I don't want to sound mean, or disgusting but I have had the same dog for over 15 years, and I have never felt a bad feeling toward her. As compared to the 6 year relationship with the wife, inwhich after the 4th year boredom had a strangle hold on us, and by the 5th year i felt like we are just going through the motions. Again maybe it's just me, but there has been an emptiness for a long time. Sadly, I have tried to hold it down, because of her. She is an only child from another country, who has trouble socialably meeting people and making aquaintances. I have felt guilty, for many years of my feelings, because I am all she has had to lean on for so long, and I know that she fears being alone, having no one and the emptiness of loneliness/ dispair. I am having frustration over doing what maybe right for me, or being there for someone I care about. I look at early photos of us and I see the love, happiness and the excitement of a promising future. I lookat us now I see sadness, hurt, and distance caused by all the words and actions between us.

It shall be interesting on what the future holds.

Entry 3

I don't know where to start. So, I thought I would just strat typing just to see what does transpire.

I think over all many people have different thoughts and point of views on addiction and the addict. Some believe it is a lack a will power, weak constitution, or a lack of character. Others may believe it's DNA, learned behavior, predisposition, or maybe how it chemically breaks down is the body. I can only speak for myself. I can only document how it seems to make me feel. For myself, I feel a strange calm course through me with that first drink, almost feeling myself saying,"Aah Hello old friend" than I feel the cool rush just course through my brain and out into my entire being. It is a truly wonderful feeling, and the added bonus is that all that "internal chatter" that constantly goes on just stops. Sweet peace for the moment, I imagine this is a feeling that possibly a morphine or heroine addict might feel. Eventually I get to being social. Which is somehow important to me, because I never drink at home. I like being out where there is action, and people. Between sharing stories, and buying drinks it feels good, and kinda fun. Of course, then I start to hop from one bar to the next, often make repeat appearances through the course of the day or night. Followed by the next morning regret of the phone calls from the people I would normally not give my cellphone number too, the random hook-up with someone, or the embarrassment of checking my bank account online and realizing all the money I had spent/wasted that night. Which by far is the worse feeling. Let's not forget all the at home problems this does cause as well. Not to mention the personal guilt, shame, and emptiness you end up feeling when you reflect on all the previous events. Especially when you don't truthfully remember everything. But what you do remember is that initial feeling, that peace, warmth, and that feeling of everything first melting away because of that first drink.

It has been a peaceful day all in all. I have got to spend time just relaxing and healing. I feel good for the first time in almost a week. I actually felt like taking a long walk in the sun. Not thinking about my personal life problems, nor the legal part of this whole mess that I have tail-spinned myself into. I just walked. Feeling the breeze that was rolling off the Gulf of Mexico, and inhaling the salt air. Just taking in all around me. The sounds, smells and sites. The feeling of freedom, the vastness of feeling small incomparision to the surrounding. Just feeling at peace with my world, not thinking about the future and just being in the moment.

Entry 5

For the first time in a week. I went outside of my place to work, even though I am able to work from home, it is always fun to be on the road and meet clients face to face. I must confess I am quite exhausted and fatigued. Add in I am still getting the occasional stitch in my side, the ache in my bones and that once in a while feeling that someone is pushing on my chest. Other than that add in the fact that I feel kinda "static-y."

I would like to thank many of you who had sent me encouraging emails and well wishes. Though it is not the reason I started this blog, but they are very much appreciated.

Entry 6

Today my brain feels like it's swimming and swirling. I am thinking about everything, but I can't seem to focus on much for long. I still feel tired and now get to occasional quick sharp pain in my side (oddly enough to opposite side from yesterday). Luckily out on the job I can perform like nothings wrong. I guess deep inside I'm a performer. Wind me up and I am on, doing my schitck. The minute I'm out of public eye, I just shut down.

I must apologize for not typing an entry for a couple of days. I have been burying myself in work and variuos meetings to take my mind off of my impending legal issues. I have been diligent not only with work and meetings, but in vigual and meditation. I am trying to regain balance and peace into my life. There are still too many things still up in the air, in my life. I sure they will work themselves out one way or another. I can't force my will onto the path life has chosen to lead me on to. Life must unfold before me and I must accept the master plan fate has for me.

All the best to all of you.

Entry 8

I must say I am sorry for not keeping up on this lately. I have many things going on at the moment and I tend to push somethings aside. I would first like to thank my supportive friends here at Hub. Most importantly my ever growing list of friends at SoberCircle.com, who are just an amazing group from all walks of life and anywhere in the world. We have all come together for one united cause.

I went earlier this week for my first of 2 court dates to settle this DUI trouble. I had got myself into. At first my lawyer struck a good plea deal. I signed and felt relief. That feeling lasted for 3 glorious minutes. Suddenly the State's Attorney refused the deal. Stating that they wanted to investigate an incident in 1992 in another state. Even though no one cares that prior to April 2007, I was sober for 11 years and am trying to recapture sobriety now. In the great State of Florida, they can go back to 1906 and pull up past convictions. Anyway they revoked my bond deciding that it would be better if I am detained until my Nov 21 trial date. Since I am a hazard to other motorists. For 3 days now I have been waiting for the sheriffs to pick me up. I am scared, I can't lie about that. I have anxiety issues anyway. But, strangely enough these past couple days have been some of the best of my life. Kinda like knowing you're living on borrowed time and now you are so aware of everything. You end up enjoying and reflecting on every moment you have left, not knowing when it will end. From tragedy come a new appreciation of life and all it offers. I am starting to think that somewhere though this exprience that maybe I have a novel to come out of it. We shall see.

If I don't get a chance to say this. I love all of you and wish you all the best.

Hard to believe not to long ago I was 180lbs. Sober, Active & Handsome. It will be interesting to see if I can pick up the pieces and put myself back together.

My goal is to put up photos of my progress. So stay tuned for more Entries and Photos. We'll see how my life will unfold.