One of the most difficult things to do in a relationship is communicate so both parties feel heard and understood. This can be difficult even when things are going well in the relationship, and it’s even more so when tempers are flaring after a break-up or in the midst of a separation or divorce.

The first thing to remember when speaking about subjects that could turn into an ugly argument is to speak unarguably.

Let’s use an example of a couple that has split up due to money problems.

Maria: I’ve always hated the way you deal with our finances!!

Russ: Well, if you had actually gotten a job, you could have a say in how the finances work! You can’t just sit at home with the kids and expect me to make magic with one income!

Maria: You can’t be serious? Staying at home with the kids IS a full-time job! You have no respect for anything I do for our family! You’re such an ass, Russ. Stop making this all about you!

Russ: I don’t have time to listen to this, Maria. If you can stop being a bitch, then we can talk.

SYNOPSIS
Notice how Maria starts the argument with an accusation. This puts Russ on the defensive – he’s been told that she hates something that he does.

Russ responds from a defensive mode, finding something he can attack Maria about to make the situation her fault instead of his. Maria responds defensively and then starts in with the name-calling.

Russ shuts down, getting in one last insult before he storms off. Nothing has been solved and both of them are more angry and upset than they were earlier.

But what if we rewind and try it differently?

Maria: Russ, when you spend money on new DVDs every Tuesday, it makes me feel anxious, because I know we could be putting that money toward our credit card debt.

Russ: Don’t worry… we’ll get the debt paid off.

Maria: Yes, but we could pay it off much quicker if we had that $15, $30, $45 extra a month put toward the debt. It could be as much as $135 a month. What do you get out of buying new DVDs each Tuesday?

Russ: I dunno, I guess I just want to see the new movies we missed in the theater. I figure buying them on DVD is cheaper than seeing them in the theater, too, so in a way, it’s like saving money.

Maria: I hear you, Russ. I miss going out to the movies, too. Is there a way for us to see those movies on DVD without paying for them new? Then we could both watch the movies and pay down the debt.

Russ: I suppose we could sign up for Netflix. I’d miss having the DVDs, but at least we could watch the movies and put the DVD money toward the debt until it’s paid off.

SYNOPSIS
In this second example, Maria is still bringing up the core problem: the couple’s debt. However, this time she does many things right.

USE NAMES

When Maria starts her discussion, she uses Russ’ name. When you’re having a discussion that could end up in an argument, sprinkling in the person’s name helps to keep them calm and focused.

Be careful, though, using it too much will make it seem like you’re patronizing them.

BEING UNARGUABLE

This is the key formula that you want to have in mind whenever you are trying to discuss a touchy situation:

“When you __________, I feel ______________ because _______________.”

In the first blank, put in a behavior. Maria puts in “spend money on new DVDs every Tuesday” because this is the behavior she does not like in Russ.

Russ cannot argue this because it is a fact that he purchases 1~3 new DVDs every Tuesday.

In the second blank, put the emotion that you feel when the person engages in that behavior. Maria feels “anxious.” Russ cannot argue this fact because this is how Maria feels.

In the third blank, put the reason why you feel that particular emotion. Maria feels “anxious” because she knows they could be paying down their debt with that money. This further explains Maria’s emotion so Russ understands why she feels that way.

FLIP THE SCRIPT

When someone lashes out, gets upset, and starts yelling, they’re using the right side of their brain. It’s 100% emotional. It’s irrational. It can be like a train with no brakes going straight for certain disaster.

Maria cues Russ by using his name. Then she starts to use numbers. Numbers are a function of the left hemisphere of the brain. She’s flipping Russ’ brain from the angry emotional side to the side that thinks more rationally and is solution-oriented.

REPEAT AND VALIDATE

Whenever discussing touchy issues, be sure to repeat and validate the way your partner feels.

Maria tells Russ that she also misses seeing movies in the theaters. She assures him that 1) he’s been heard and 2) she feels the same way. The more Russ can see Maria as being on his side, the less he’ll be prone to argue.

If you can understand yourself and your emotions, you will have better control over your feelings and the things you say – speaking unarguably again.

You need to know why you may be reacting inappropriately or want to argue. Ask yourself questions such as:

• Are you feeling defensive because you feel guilty?
• Are you tired, ill or stressed and it’s not a good time to talk?
• Are you holding a grudge against your ex that you need to let go of?
• In what way have you contributed to the problem?
• Are you assuming anything about you ex, their intentions and their view on the situation?

And, remember to LISTEN. Seek to understand before you are understood. This is can prevent many an argument.

Good luck!

These methods are a classic to turn your arguments with your ex into productive discussions that move toward a peaceful conclusion. They take a while to learn, but they work like magic.