Why Isn't My Relationship Working?

There are certain criteria everyone needs to "feel alive" rather than just live. I like to think of things in terms of what "feeds" us. What feeds our passions, our mind, our sense of security, our sense of child-like wonder and awe.

I'm assuming more than one thing if you're reading this article and I need you to come along with me in these assumptions. 1. You've been in the same relationship for more than a couple of years, your patterns as partners are relatively "set". 2. You'll be sharing this article with your partner, which I've set up into three relatively easy-to-understand sections: The woman, the guy, the couple. Each of these sections gives easy to understand advice for each of their counter-points. I recommend reading each section, the girl's section isn't just for the girls, and vice-versa. I also suggest sharing this article with your partner, there are exercises at the end of these sections which you will probably want to share in order to better understand each other. This first article deals with fighting fair, how arguing effectively can improve your relationship. There will be more articles to come set up in the same format, so keep your eyes open!

Let's really talk about what is going on in your relationship. Are you fighting with your partner? Good! Yes, you read me right, I think fighting is one of the most natural and healthy things a couple can do together. Think about your partner as a family member, do you fight with your family? Yes, because there is no way you can be that close to another person, have that much emotional involvement, without some sparks flying now and then. The trick to arguing with your spouse or partner though is fighting fair. Here are some techniques to keep your fights fair, they won't work in every situation or with every couple, but the closer you can come to following these guidelines the better!

Fighting Fair; The Woman's Guide

• Crying

I'm going to probably get a little flak for this, but first things first, if you *can* keep yourself from crying, try your hardest to do so. Crying pretty much ends a good, rational fight between couples. Why? Men are hardwired to "fix" a problem, women are hardwired to "empathize" with a problem. When you cry the first and sometimes only thing a guy will want to do is to stop you from crying. Unfair? Yes. When you cry, though, it switches the focus from the issues you're trying to get across to a man into how he can fix your hurt feelings and get you to stop crying. When you're crying it is really difficult for anyone, least of all, your guy to understand you. Think of it from his point of view, you are stammering, snot is running down your face, sometimes you can't even catch your breath if you've got a seriously good cry going on. No man can truly argue with this. Take a step back if you need to. Explain to your partner that you are too upset to discuss things right now, but that it's very important to you and that you need some time to sort things out and calm down. Make sure he knows that you aren't asking for time away from the relationship, just time to bring yourself down from your sobs. If possible, ask him for what you need to stop crying. Sometimes just being held tightly for a little while by your partner will bring you down enough to continue the argument more rationally. Remember, some men see crying as emotional manipulation, a way to get a man to do what a woman wants. (There will be more about this in the Couple's section, so please read on.) If your guy is one of those it is even more important to try to keep your cool & walk away if necessary. Crying effectively unlevels the battle-ground in the favor of the man because you won't be able to express yourself in the way you need to, so as harsh as this might seem, it really is in your best interest to calm down.

• You've calmed down, now what?

You're ready to continue the argument on more solid ground, you've leveled out the battle-field and your ready to go into the argument guns blazing. You've your points out-lined that you wish to make, wait, no, you don't? Don't enter an argument without knowing exactly what it is you wish to argue about, why you feel the way you do, what issues you wish to resolve, if possible, and how to make a compromise. You see, if you don't have your argument outlined, at the very least in your head, better yet in writing, (not where he can find it before you're ready for the "discussion,") the argument is bound to become a free-for-all of grudges and concerns. Whatever it is that is seriously bothering you, you want to be as clear, concise and logical as possible. Muddying up your original argument with off-topic gripes weakens your logic considerably. If you get too far off topic the original argument you wished to resolve may become lost in a sea of irrelevance.

• You're ready to start arguing effectively!

Fighting Fair; The Guy's Guide

Guys, there are issues you'll want to resolve in any relationship and it's your job to do your share in fighting effectively for the happiness you & your partner deserve. Arguing in a relationship is healthy if done in a mutually beneficial manner and you will get more out of your relationship if you learn how to effectively communicate during an argument.

• Getting Angry!

Like the crying issue, I'm bound to get some flak on this, too. In my experience with arguing with the opposite sex, though, women cry, guys get pissed. Although the dynamic is different in an essential way, when you get angry during an argument, you're unleveling the playing field in which a constructive argument can take place. For one, the "fix" versus "empathize" issues come into play. If you are angry the woman you are arguing with is likely to become angry, too. It's improbable that an effective argument can take place with one angry person, impossible when both involved are angry. Unlike crying, getting angry creates an unlevel playing field for both partners; you're less likely to be able to provide the concrete logical arguments you wish to have addressed & she will become angry, too. What happens when two angry people argue? Yelling! If both partners are yelling, neither is listening. The argument degrades and the issues which needed attending to remain unresolved. Furthermore, guys, when you're angry, you're scary. Take into consideration your partner's background with other men, has she been in an abusive relationship or had previous experience with guys that were "scary?" Even if she's madly in love with you and consciously knows you would never hit her, you are pushing her buttons. Even women who have been lucky enough to never have to go through physical abuse in a relationship will cringe at an angry man, inwardly. No matter how far men and women have come there is a basic truth that men are physically stronger than women and on some level we know it. Like some men believe that women use crying as emotional manipulation, some women believe that men use getting angry as emotional manipulation. Take a time-out, (letting her know that the argument *will* continue,) take some deep breaths and think about what you need to do to put yourself in that place where logic can prevail.

• You've calmed down, now what?

Now it's time for you to outline your points and positions to your partner. Try to remain calm throughout the argument, listen to your partner while she makes her points, don't yell when you make your points. Try sticking to the argument, adding extra concerns you may have will get the argument off-topic and lead to negative issue resolution. If she begins crying or you begin yelling offer a temporary truce while you both get your emotions under control. Hold her if she is crying, and will let you. Don't try to "fix" her, she will naturally subside in the tears, no woman can continue to cry incessantly unless you've terribly messed up or something truly awful has happened. Don't talk to her while you're holding her, simply be there for her, stroke her hair, rub her back and make her feel comforted. Trying to "fix" a woman's problem is a sure-fire way to head into an argument, try to avoid this. Overall you want to walk that fine line of being supportive while getting what you need in your relationship and maintaining control over the issues as you see them.

• You're ready to start arguing effectively!

Fighting Fair: The Couple's Guide

Now that we're all together on the same page I'd like to outline how an ideal argument would take place. Obviously this isn't going to be easy, but if the two of you can follow these guidelines or find common ground that works for both of you it will seriously enhance your ability to effectively communicate with one another.

1. Set the stage for an argument. Find a place where the two of you have enough space to sit across from each other, preferably with your knees touching.

2. The person who is the arguer has the responsibility of steering the argument. If it is a re-occuring argument whoever brought it up this time takes charge. Having a person be "in charge" of an argument owns the argument. You're making a conscious decision to attempt to resolve the conflict as a couple.

3. Look at one another while arguing. If you cannot meet your partners gaze during an argument they might feel there is dishonesty going on and the argument will be lost before any issues can be resolved.

4. Specifically state what it is that you are arguing about. Try to be as clear as possible. Use a lot of "I" statements: I feel, I think, I want, I need... try to refrain from statements that are clearly blaming your partner for their part in the argument.

5. Brainstorm ideas together that can resolve the issues you are arguing about. Both partners need to take charge of reconciling an argument, if an argument is one-sided it will not be resolved.

6. Make each other feel heard. Do not talk over your partner. Maintain eye contact, occasionally reach over and touch one another during the argument or when you want to interrupt your partner to get across a point you really need heard.

7. Write down the ideas which you think will work for both of you to avoid this argument in the future. All arguments have their basis in fear, insecurity, distrust and preconceived expectations of each other. Keep a list of what you expect from each other as a couple and work on this list whenever an argument arises.

8. Don't argue in public. Yes, sometimes it's unavoidable, but airing your dirty laundry in public is unfair to both of you. Take it in private where an argument can fully blossom and be worked on to resolution.

9. Once you've decided on steps that can be taken to resolve an argument together, take them! Don't wallow in your anger or disappointment in each other, move on.

10. Make up. Do something nice together, or for one another. Acknowledge that each person involved in an argument had valid points and assure each other that you are ready to begin working on your relationship issues as the need arises. Find an activity that you both enjoy, no matter how simple and involve yourself in it after an argument to take the pressure off.

A Word About Emotional Manipulation

Girls: using crying as a technique to win arguments is emotional manipulation. Eventually, as the years go by, it will cease to work and you'll be left with a partner who is emotionally cold to your needs. Using crying as a way to win an argument is a form of abuse and if you are purposefully doing this you need to knock it off. Now.

Guys: Getting angry to win an argument is a bullying technique. It is very abusive and I suggest that women involved with these kinds of bullies get out of the relationship. Even if you're subconciously doing this, you are frightening your partner into submission. It's unfair.