How to Make Your Child More Responsible
78We all want our children to grow into dependable caring adults. Here are seven ways to make this goal a reality.
1. Begin when your child is young
As soon as your child is old enough to understand, he can begin to help. It might be something as simple as bringing you a clean diaper or handing you the bottle when he is finished.
Children have a strong desire to help. Even children younger than two years old want to do things to help their parents.
You can encourage your child by creatively finding things for him or her to do and then giving lots of praise. This will help build your child's confidence and self-esteem, and it will set up a pattern of helping out early in your child's life.
2. Do not buy your child's help
Do not give your child rewards in exchange for helping. You want to build an internal desire to assist you, not one based upon receiving payment.
You want your child to learn the pleasure of giving to others. When he gets a reward for assisting, you teach him to focus on what he will get, instead of how he can give.
This does not mean you never give your child anything for helping. It just can't be perceived as a "payment".
This is how you should do it.
After your child does something for you, say, "I really appreciate how you helped me and I want to do something nice for you, too. I am going to call your father and have him bring home the movie that you want to see."
When you reward your child this way, what you are really doing is showing your gratitude. You are not paying a reward for work.
This is better than a reward for a number of reasons. You are showing your child your gratitude, which is the real reward. You are motivating your child to help without the expectation of receiving payment at the end. In the back of your child's mind he realizes that on occasion he may receive something unexpected when he helps, which adds an extra motivation to help.
3. Let the natural consequences of your child's mistake occur
We don't want our children to suffer if we can help them avoid it. But, parents who protect their child from the consequences of their actions are making a big mistake.
Our goal as parents is to teach our child to be good, responsible adults. In the adult world no one is going to shelter your child when he is careless or reckless.
When your child makes a mistake, you do him no favors by bailing him out. Let your child learn to be dependable by taking responsibility for his actions and his mistakes.
4. Acknowledge when your child is acting responsibly
Everybody loves recognition. When you point out times that your child is behaving in a trustworthy fashion, you are encouraging him to continue this type of behavior in the future.
5. Make responsibility a family value
Discuss being responsible with your child. Let them know that it is something that you value.
Let your children see you being dependable. Your child will learn much more from what you do than from what you say. Be a good role model.
6. Give your child an allowance
Let your children make their own money decisions from an early age. They will make mistakes, but don't bail them out. It is better for them to learn what happens when they run out of money while the stakes are low, than it is to learn this when the lives of their children are involved.
7. Believe in your child
This is perhaps the most important way to make your child responsible. Children have no clear cut picture of themselves. They get their self-image from how those around them respond to them.
If you view your child as being responsible, he will grow to fit your expectations. On the other hand, if through your words or actions you let your child know that you feel you need to look after him and that you do not feel he is reliable, he will fit that expectation.
How you view your child will shape who he will become. If you truly believe that your child is capable of keeping commitments and behaves in a responsible fashion, your child will become responsible. Period.
Bonus: Give your child responsibility
Children don't become more dependable with age. They become more reliable by taking on responsibility. The only way your child will ever become reliable and dependable is by exercising these traits.
Give your child a chance to show you what he can do. He will grow from the opportunity. He will grow even more from the mistakes that he makes. Either way, when you give your child the opportunity and you believe in him, he will move toward becoming a well functioning responsible adult.
Parenting Resources
- Child Teen Discipline
FREE CD on how to give effective conseqeunces to children or teens - Parenting Information
- Difficult Defiant Teen Behavior Help
Help for parents of difficult defiant teenagers. For ages 12 and older - Oppositional Defiant Disorder Child Behavior Help
Help for parents of Oppositional Defiant Disorder children ages 2-11. - How to Treat Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)
Article about ODD treatment options - Does Your Child Have Oppositional Defiant Disorder?
Screening test for ODD
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Comments
Anthony,
I couldn't agree with you more! As the mother of 4, I learned early on that each member of the house has an important role to play, My house isn't perfect but the kids are learning responsibility that hopefully help in their adult lives.
Very good Article!!! I have an 18 yr. old son that is so immature and iresponsible!!!!
You are absolutely correct!!! I try very hard to give my son responsibility. It's good for them to learn at a young age.
Simple but true. The younger the better as as they get older, it gets harder
Very good. I needed to be reminded to give my son a chance to show me what he can do.
I'd like some advice on how to make my 6 year old CARE about being responsible, and obedient. I've tried charts, rewards, punishment, praise, withholding privileges. At every turn, he either acually says,"I don't care", or has a complete meltdown. Now this behavior is appearing at school, and I'm at a loss where to go from here.
Makes total sense. Thanks
Excellent. You make some wonderful points here. Responsible children are created by teaching responsibility and modeling it.
wonderful tips. I'll remember this for my future children. :)
This is a great Hub. Lots of excellent tips.
Up until last week I hovered over the morning routine while my wife got ready for work; I made sure my 11 year old and 4 year old step daughters got up on time; I made sure they got dressed; I made sure they got breakfast; I made sure sure they brushed their teeth and combed their hair; I made sure they had lunches packed and everything organized and ready to go; I made sure that any other clothes they weren't wearing was either hung up or put in the laundry; I made sure all toys were put away before they left the house; and most importantly, I made sure they got out the door ON TIME when their mom was ready to leave at 8:00.
WHEW... your typical normal, every day routine.
Well, this past week I handed the reigns over to my 11 year old while I got an extra hour of rest.
RESULT? Much less stress for me... had to get that one in first! :)
The 11 year old realized, perhaps for the first time, what it is like to ask someone to do something and either not get a response, or get a response different than she would like. On several occasions, I could hear her frustration level rising as she would try to get her 4 year old sister to eat.
Her mom and I just smiled at each other thinking, "NOW she understands!"
There were also some time management issues where we had to adjust the wake-up/get-up time as well as staying focused on the task at hand, but overall I have to say that I am more than pleased with the response my 11 year old has given to her new set of responsibilities.
As the article mentions, most children are natural born pleasers and my two girls are no exception. They absolutely THRIVE on hugs and praises.
I still have to work on my own "efficiency and expediency" issues when it comes to parenting. You know what I'm talking about parents; it is just plain "efficient" to point out the one or two problems that need fixing and totally ignore the 99 other things that went well.
My 11 year old and I had an interesting conversation while walking out to the bus this morning. We were comparing notes on how we get the little one to respond. We discovered that what works for me will NOT work for the 11 year old. As time goes on we will continue to explore skills that will be more effective for her.
Getting back to the response issue between the two girls, my wife and I are now implementing a new "Response-time" rule that states, "We will respond to your requests in the same way you respond to us."
As an example, the 11 year old wanted my wife to sign a school form. However, she had been butt-dragging all night on things my wife wanted her to do such as dishes, homework, piano practice and bathing. By the time I got home from work at 9:30 pm, my older step-daughter still hadn't done any of her evening responsiblities so I backed my wife up in her decision not to sign any papers.
I have to admit, compared to some of the horror stories I read and/or heard about, I am truly blessed. My older step-daughter could have more serious issues and excuses - I'm her second step-dad and her half-sister's first step-dad. Family-wise, she has been through a ton of stuff that no kid should have to go through.
Still, she is a pleaser which makes my role as step-dad super easy. I am extremely proud of her!
The bottom line is, we are ALL learning as a family. It's give and take; it's deciding what's important and letting the rest of it GO! Easier said than done at times, but those smiles and hugs from all my ladies sure makes it all worthwhile.
The article was great! However I'm still finding it hard to have my 5 year old foster son to do anything and I mean anything that is requested of him. Very simply things like going to the toilet, bath, coming inside after outside play. Our household always seems in conflict because of his behaviours. Meanwhile his 4 and 3 year old brothers are watching and imitating his behavours. My house is in MADNESS AT PRESENT I'm really searching for help for him as we love him so much it hurts.
As a father of three and including a teenager this post is of great help to me.Thanks a lot
Good HUB with good information!
Several inquires for help but no responses--COME ON PEOPLE!! let's help one another here!
Mike--I can't believe what you wrote! Kids are like a blank slate when they are born--what is written on that slate through their childhood is what they will become as teenagers and adults--good or bad. It's mostly up to their parents--both of them! Maybe you should make sure your "style" doesn't produce anymore kids!
Debbie & Shauna--I'm so sorry you're going through a bad time. 3 to 6 year olds are all in a bad period in child rearing. They talk about the terrible 2's but I feel the other years are much worse! They are trying to become independent and be their own "person", their bodies are growing and changing, they try to push the rules as far as they can just to see what will happen and they've learned what to do to push all the right buttons to make MOM crazy! Of course, this is just research they'll be using again when they become teenagers.
Debbie--When you say going to the toilet, is he still "messing" hisself? 5 is way to old for this! Have you had him checked over at the Dr's office for something physically wrong? Is his hearing and eyesight OK? Make sure there's nothing wrong with him before you start re-training his behavior.
Shauna--Sometimes this kind of behavior is a cry for more personal attention from Mom and Dad. Do you turn the TV off in the evening for an hour or so before his bedtime and play a game, read a book or just talk over milk and cookies? When he's taking his bath, try talking or reading during that time. The "meltdown" is emotional and some problem at home or school is causing this. Finding a way to connect with him and fix the problem is probably all it will take.
Go on the internet for information on behavior problems that he's exhibiting and try any advice from there. Watch THE NANNY and NANNY 911 for great visual tips on how to handle kids. Go to the library and check out books that might have some helpful tips. DON'T yell or spank! This just makes the situation worse.
Two things that always worked with all of my kids was putting them in time-out close enough that they could still hear what was going on with the rest of the family (start with 2 minutes--time seems like an eternity to a kid) and/or putting favorite toys in time-out for half a day upwards. I remember at one point about 80% of my son's toys were in the garage for several weeks.
Remember to praise and reward when he does something he's been told to do. Rewards can be some small thing given to him, doing something with only him, or as simple as letting him pick the movie to watch or the game to play.
Find out how to solve any of these problems as early as possible before they hit the pre-teen and teenager years. Now is the time to connect with your kids and build a relationship that's going to survive until they grow up and get a brain!
a very nice article.please keep me informing.
This hub should be read by every new parent, it makes a change to read some plain ol' common sense.
This are so great!!!!
hi evryone..... being a single mom to a 10yr is getting harder.... this information did help and reading coments also helped me as i have set a duty for my son to set his own alarm clock to get up for school and get ready and if he isn't ready in time i wil take him to school in his pjs.. lets see how it goes?..
this might seem weird but i am a 13 turning 14 year old child and i can say i have no responsability i do infact make my dad cry beacause of that and make the people around me constintly mad can some one please help me by saying how i can make my self learn responsability and yes i do try
Great article. I will inculcate these things in my kids
yolanda Lee says:
2 years ago
This is wonderful....