Revenge, Inc. Part 1: A Short Story
88Author's Note
There are many factors in which inspired me to write this story and I owe much to some of the current events of the world, certain movies, with its wide range of characters, books, graphic novels, and especially comic books. This is the first time I'm giving this genre a shot towards what I hope, will be something that I can build upon. Please feel free to comment as I am always curious to know what others think of my work. I hope you enjoy...
-ODP
Revenge, Inc.
You don’t know me and I know why. But like everyone else, you didn’t know that I was watching you, did you? Of course that’s for the best, because who the hell wants to be watched—unless that is you're one of those crazies I see from time to time—cross-dressers and the like, but I won’t get into that. My point is that we all have to be watched. Just ‘cause you’re old enough to not have to be watched by your parents doesn’t mean you don’t need watchin’. Even as adults, we gotta have someone watch over us—you know, to make sure we don’t stick our tongues into wall sockets and keep our filthy hands out of the cookie jar, or not touch things that don’t belong to us, like eleven year-old girls who haven’t yet been fitted for skinny diapers—you know the ones—and that’s where I come in.
Now, ask yourself these questions: Have you ever been late on alimony or child support more than a few times? Have you sold drugs of any sort? Have you ever taken anything that wasn’t voluntarily given to you? Have you ever physically abused anyone, be it a woman or child? Obviously, these are trick questions, because if you answered yes to any of them, you would have known me well by now, which brings us back to the first thing I said: You don’t know me and I know why.
I’ve done my share of vengeance. I’ve knocked out teeth with my bare fists, punched holes through walls with someone else’s head, dislocated a few knee caps with the use of a hammer, and have even castrated a few pedophiles with my katana so to cure them of that Burning Urge and in short help to get rid of their little problem...But I’ve never killed a man and that’s the truth. I am the finder of lost children and the avenger of the innocent. Death would just be an easy way out for these fools and believe me, they deserved it—every single goddamn one of them. One of my subjects once had the balls to ask me this question while my hand was wrapped tightly around his throat no less:
“Who the fuck do you think you are anyway? God?” This made me smile, so I say to him, ‘There is no God, because if there was, I wouldn’t need to be here.’
And that was when I really began to go to work on him and even put a bit of extra overtime into it so to speak. By the time I was through, he looked like he washed his face with spaghetti sauce but hey, he’s gonna make it and will be making those payments to his three year-old kid out in Atlantic City just like he promised. You see? This is what happens when you don’t take on your responsibilities and cause others to suffer. After freshening up, I’m sure he’d be able to get back to work. The last thing I wanted was for him to miss work and miss even more payments just ‘cause of little ole’ me.
“Forgive them father, for they have sinned.” The father grunted.
“That is not for you to judge, my son. The Lord will make His own judgments, as this is His Kingdom…Do you have something you want to confess tonight?”
“No, I have nothing to confess, as I have done no wrong.”
“For reasons I cannot divulge, I don’t believe you, if that is my station…If that really is the truth, then why are you here?”
“I told you already…Forgive them father, for they have sinned.” The father placed his hand upon his face for a moment and then took in a deep breath.
“This is not how this works, my son. You cannot ask for forgiveness for someone else’s sins…It does not work that way. We’ve been through this before.”
“Then who will, father? Who will ask for forgiveness?”
“THEY SHOULD!” Again, the father covered his own face again, both embarrassed and surprised by his own outburst. I could’ve sworn I heard him say that he was sorry and if so, it would’ve been the first time. He then cleared his throat and said it again, only this time around, he was much calmer: “They should.”
“They can’t, father”
“Why not? Are they busy?’
“No, nothing like that”
“Then what?" I could hear him, as he was trying so hard to suppress that anger again.
“They are unable to.”
“Are you saying they asked you to come? Because if they did—“
“No, not at all”
"Then why are you here?"
“I told you already, to ask for forgiveness.”
“Okay, okay…What are their sins?”
“I brought a list…Here.”
“Again, this is not how I run my congregation!”
“Well, would you like me to read it for you? I can do that too.”
“I KNOW HOW TO READ!” Echoes again, throughout The House of God. “And what makes you so sure these…People want to be forgiven, huh?”
“Because they certainly won’t receive forgiveness from me and especially not from those who they have hurt badly…Because no one else is going to, that’s why.’
“Right…So maybe you are the one that has sinned. Maybe this is really your list that you compiled.” I had to laugh. He was trying so hard to get back at me.
“No, father. I’m not the one that has sinned. The sinners created this list, not I. I’m just simply…Delivering it.”
“Are you now? Is that your calling?”
“You know it is, dad. I don’t criticize you for your calling, so don’t criticize me for mine. And if Haley were here today…”
“Haley’s case is unfortunate, son…There was nothing you could do.”
“Exactly. So your granddaughter is just a case, huh? She was raped and taken from me, from us—your blood! Unfortunate is not the word here.”
“You know me better than that. I can understand your anger—any father would want justice. But it’s blood and revenge you seek, not justice. You’re filled with rage to no end. Doing what you do will not bring her back”
“They showed Haley no mercy, so why should I? Where the FUCK were those cops when she needed them?”
“THAT IS ENOUGH! Remember where you are!” After a moment of silence went by, I nodded my head. He was right and I was tired. I stood up and pushed the list to him. ‘You are the one that needs forgiving, you know that? You don’t even believe in Him.’
"No, I don’t. But the people on this list do…They do now after they met me."
"Peace! I will pray for you."
"Don’t waste your breath, father."
I have an abandoned apartment in the crux of a ‘Y’ intersection between Haven Avenue, Perdition Street, and the rundown corner of Ware Road which the low-lives happily nicknamed, ‘Nowhere Road.’ I like it here because the rent is dirt cheap and the crime is sky-high. There is plenty for me to do here. I live among the sewer rats and cockroaches and that is not by any stretch some damn metaphor or anything, or maybe it is. After having my father and son talk, I headed home for more necessary equipment. There was so much more for me to do tonight.
But as soon as I get home from the rooftop and through my window, something isn’t right. I come in slow and listen with all I’m worth. I can hear the rats in the walls scurrying it’s so goddamn quiet. You can never be too careful. That’s it, I heard a whisper, now another. I heard another guy’s throat click and can’t help but smile: Rookies.
“It’s about fucking time,” I say to my door. “It sure as hell took you guys long enough!” Just then, I reach behind me and unsheathed my katana and readied it like so many times before. Haley and I were going to be together again.
Please read the next installment of Revenge, Inc. by clicking here
© Copryright 2009. All Rights Reserved.
My Other Short Stories
- Escape: A True Story
Escape By Khamfone Paditsone Tr. Ounheuane Dohn Paditsone Author's Note: To eliminate some confusion, my father is narrating this story not me In the summer of 1945 during the end of the World War II,... - First Crush: Reba Ashkar: A Short Story
Its five-thirty on a Friday night in late June at the Westchester Yacht Club and everyone in Dohns graduating class is already there. Dinner will be served at precisely six. Outside, at the bottom of... - If I Had Wings: A Short Story
My family and I came to America right after Jimmy Carter left office. My first American memory arrived at John F. Kennedy airport, where we landed. It was cold in America, I remembered that very... - Nancy : A Short Story
It was a voice hed heard long before calling his name that he faintly heard while working. Customers frequented the grocery store he worked en masseso much that he grew accustomed to filtering out the... - The Absence of Aurora: A Short Story
It was in that year that he left Aurora. Before he did, he envisioned another life. He believed this to be the best move. With her voice still fresh in his mind, he had heard her whisper on occasion to... - For the Love of Buddhism: A Short Story
Thinking back, I can still see her now. Shes imperfect but clear in my mind. Shes as clear as the crystal orb that my clouded mind endeavored to envision back then when trying so desperately... - See You in the Bahamas: A Short Story
Victor sits across from me at their dining room table wearing his linen napkin as bib. A few times, I sat on that same chair. Between us is a carved pork roast atop a wood slab accompanied by very large...
On Writing
- Why I Write: A Reflection
Having reached my 49th Hub and completing the 30/30 Hubchallenge, I thought about maybe taking a week off or so, basking in the satisfaction of a job well done and just laying myself off on... - How to Write a Novel and Find the Voice Within
How I know I'm a Writer Hello. My name is Dohn and I am a writer. No one ever told me that I was a writer (thank God) and no one ever had to. How I became a writer was a conscious decision I made on my... - Remembering Nine Eleven
I remember the day clearly. It was a picture-perfect day that day. There were no clouds in the sky against a pane of unblemished blue. The temperature was somewhere between high-sixties and low-seventies... - Write a 55-Word Story
The widely popular literary journal Roanoke Review is holding a short-story contest this month! The first place prize is $1,000 and the second place prize is $500 for a story up to 6,000 words which means a... - Complete This Story: Trouble in Paradise, Exercise 1
Hello everybody and thank you Brenda for bringing me an apple today! (Just kidding, Brenda) On my first ever
My Book and Film Reviews
- Great East Asian Books
In the fall of 2000, I made up my mind to sit down and write a novel based on my family's immigration from Laos to the United States in March of 1980...By the Spring of 2001, I was sputtering and doubtful as... - 10 Great Must-See Foreign Movies
I got asked this all the time. Back when all of us were using VCRs, video rental stores were in their hey day. Unlike today where you can pay one price per month and never have to worry about late fees to... - A Tribute To Gary Larson: The Far Side
The real reason dinosaurs became extinct. Cris Clinic Gary Larson was born in 1950 in Tacoma, Washington to a working class family. He and his... - Harry Potter: Dark Vs. Light
To celebrate the opening of the sixth installment of the Harry Potter movie Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, I thought it sensible to write a HUB on Harry Potter. The release date was July 17th, 2009.... - Book Review: The Road by Cormac McCarthy
Imagine a world without the warmth of the sun, where no plant life grows. The world around you is covered in soot or ash and more falls upon you instead of rain, snow, or hail. Imagine a world... - Book Review: The Giving Tree
Hopefully like me, you love to read. As a kid, my family didn't have much money. Buying new books was a luxury that we could not afford, especially in a family of five children. That was why when a friend of... - Book Review: The Sneetches By Dr. Seuss
The Sneetches are a group of yellow bird-like creatures that live on a beach in a far away land. And on this beach there are two types of Sneetches: One type with green stars on their bellies and one type... - Book Review: Danny, Champion of the World by Roald D...
General Overview When reading Road Dahls, Danny, Champion of the World as a child, I was drawn into the idea of a tight-knit family consisting of simply a father and his son. The closeness between...
My Lao Hubs
- Visit Luang Prabang Laos
Wat Haw Pha Bang in Luang Prabang Laos Steeped in history and tradition, Luang Prabang is Laos' Crown Jewel. Inducted into the United Nations Educational, Scientific, Cultural Organization (UNESCO) in 1995... - Beer Lao
As I recall, I first learned about Beer Lao from a T-Shirt. While walking around one day at my Buddhist Temple fair grounds during a festival, I spotted a Lao guy not much younger than me walking around... - Alexandra Bounxouei: The Lao Princess of Pop
Courtesy AlexandraBounxouei.com Chances are, unless you are Lao (like me) or Bulgarian, you've never heard of Alexandra Bounxouei (pronounced boon-soo). As her title indicates, Alexandra or Sandra for short,... - Khene: The Mouth Organ of Laos
One Lao poem has stated that: - Lao Folktales : The Crescent Moon Comb
Author's Note: A word about mia noi or minor wives For married men to have minor wives is a common practice in both Thai and Lao societies. A minor wife is a mistress in which a married man will have in... - Lao Folktales : The Mango Tree
A real mango tree! There once a beautiful mango tree that grew in the jungle near a village. Each and every year when its fruit was in season, the children from the village would run into the jungle... - Lao Folktales : The Magic White Swan
Once there was a lonely farmer who decided to go fishing one day. He wore a shawl around his head to save from being bitten by mosquitoes and other bugs and carried a long fishing net. When he reached...
My Novels in Progress
- With You Always: A Novel In Progress
Everything I owned I fit inside my Saturn. Ahead of me was indeed a long trip. Longer yet was the trip to Heathers sorority house, in which was at the least owed to her. She is, lets face it, the main... - I, Fraternity: A Novel in Progress: Chapter1
Author's Note: The following excerpt for my novel is entirely fictional. Any like occurrence to similar or actual events in purely coincidental as the people, places and objects in this story were... - I, Fraternity: A Novel In Progress: Chapter2
I remember surveying the field of several fraternities and groups in which to play flag football for. Before joining the Etas, I wasnt looking for Brotherhood, at least not consciously. I wanted only to... - I, Fraternity: A Novel In Progress: Chapter3
At the first Eta Rush, was a banner advertising you to Rush Eta Iota Mu. Some refreshments covered one long table. One half was cold appetizers like a cheese and fruit platter and chips and on the other... - I, Fraternity: A Novel In Progress: Chapter4
Eric wasnt the only Eta that ignored me. I saw Ian a few times on campus either leaving or entering the Student Association building, saw Justin at the food court at Taco Bell, John in the library, George... - I, Fraternity: A Novel In Progress: Chapter5
As Mattie and I stood on the porch drinking, about another dozen Rushees began making their way towards the house. I recognized some of them from the three other rushes but was never... - I, Fraternity: A Novel In Progress: Chapter6
Because if you think pledging is tough now, wait until tonight when your new pledge program begins. Its going to make the last seven weeks seem like a walk on the beach. You better believe that Im...
The Hottest Short Stories
This does not appear to be a valid RSS feed.PrintShare it! — Rate it: up down flag this hub
Comments
This is a great story Dohn, it read just like a graphic novel. It would be so cool if you could hook up with an illustrator and put this to print. You have a great future ahead, my friend.
Thank you, Scott. I really wanted to write this for sometime, as I've been trying hard to get this story just right. I hope that I get a good following here and out.
Thank you, Richard. As you can see, I certainly am a fan of all the aforementioned genres. I hope that I can get published soon--I'm currently editing/rewriting my novel as we speak as I've finally found a literary agent willing to look at it. I'll definitely keep you guys posted. Wish me luck!
I would be surprised if you didn't get published - you obviously can write! Good job.
You've been into your comic book collection haven't you? I hope that is what is going on here as we really can't have that going on. Leave it to Spidey and Batman. Do you wear a costume too? LOL Very original and funny too, I think. you need to come up with a great avenger name for this guy. I liked the thing with the Priest and how the tables were kind of turned. thanks dohn
Thank you so much for that, Song-Bird. I like to think that I'm not God's gift to writing--just that I'm good enough to be published.
Hello, Charles. Thanks for the comment, my friend. I certainly am a fan of comic books and spent much of my younger days with my nose in Spider-Man, the Incredible Hulk and Batman. I always enjoyed their sense of urgency and their powers for good. The interaction with the Priest was practically a fluke! It just happened that way, so I ran with it! Again, thanks.
dohn121 that story rocks,I SEE HOLLY WOOD, dohn!
you should have him narrowly escape with his life,you know he's on fire,and give a sequel to this hit,thanks for sharing this man!
Ha ha! Thanks, Waren! That would be something, wouldn't it? One of my favorite movies of this particular genre is Sin City, especially Mickey Rourke's uncompromising character. I wanted to allow the reader's imagination to decide on what would happen next. Thank you as always, buddy.
You got the gift, dohn. Riveting.
Thank you so much for that, Paradise7. Hearing that means a lot.
Sometimes flukes are best. I wish I had all my comic books from when I was a kid. I'd be rich, no on second thought I wouldn't be, my wife would've spent it long ago. LOL She is lusting after my stamp collection *goes to check on it*
Ha! That's so funny, Charles. I had a couple of good ones myself--the best being the first appearance of Kraven the Hunter in the Amazing Spider-Man series. What I wouldn't give for Amazing Fantasy #1 (sighs). You've just given me about 5 ideas for hubs! Thanks again!
Wow, Dohn - I like! You really write very well and you have an intriguing imagination. I too would be very interested in a sequel!
Really Lily Rose? I'll definitely think about doing one. The response so far has been pretty good, as I've published this less than 2 hours ago! I'm sure that I could do it as I already have a couple of ideas brewing as we speak. Thank you for the request/encouragement!
This was simply great dohn....you captured the heart of revenge. I have dealt with it many times...a very overwhelming demon...so to say. You made me think to a depth that I haven't gone in a while....thanks so much! :)
Sounds like a great beginning - shades of Charles Bronson - when do we get the next segment? LOL...I'm waiting.....
Hey, Tom. I guess that the very heart of revenge stems very close to the heart itself. Once we as human beings know that we have been wronged, we are so quick to hate others--our antagonists. Over the years, I've learned to forgive and I think that alone has made me a better person. Thanks, Tommy, for reading me.
Hello, Enelle. You are not the first to request that I write a sequel to this. It's great that you mentioned Charles Bronson as he was very popular back in my childhood starring in a dozen or so "Death Wish" movies! I remember them well. I didn't intend this to have a sequel, but I just may dip my quill back in the inkblot just for you! Thank you again :D
Excellent writing - Kudos!!
Hubpages rating system Stinks!~ a 66? NOT!!
Dohn,
I really like this. It is a different style fo writing coming from you. Again, you show off your natural talent for writing!! AWESOME.
Ha! Thanks for that, privateye2500! It's still early, I guess! Tomorrow's score will be higher (I hope). I appreciate your reading me!
Hello, UK. It's always good to hear from you, ;) I was definitely trying out another writing style, you are absolutely correct on that! I'm really glad you liked it! Do you think I should add to it? Let me know.
omfg Dohn! This is a freaking fantastic story, wicked awesome writing! Finish this one Dohn--omg this is like a story that could be made into a motion picture! I LOVE THIS! I am with this emotionally because I was an abused child and I wished all the time I had someone like this that would 'save me', someone who would stand up for the weak and innocent out there from these monsters you described in your story--Dohn, awesome writing. Freaking awesome!
Hello Dohn121, So sorry to come so late reading your hub. Its so much to read with all this good hubbers. Very nice work and as your fan I am wishing you a lot of good luck. (Is it proper English to say "wishing you a lot of good luck).lol.
Anyway I really hope you get a lot of succes in the futur. You ready have plenty with your fans.I will come to visit you again. You take care. Thank you and God Bless you. See you soon.
Dark.
It reminds me of manon lescaut?
Where the man pretends to go along with the priest in order to get out. Except this is the opposite.
Hey, AIDY! Thank you for your amazing comment. I've been sitting on this story for awhile and so finally decided to let it out to breathe. The responses have certainly been overwhelming. I just might create a sequel or a series as I just am worried about the time constraints. I do usually see my stories as motion pictures, having seen so many movies so far in my lifetime. Thank you so much for your support of this story!
Thank you, keira7 for reading me and commenting. Just for you to come by here is plenty enough for me. I can vouch for not having enough time to read as many hubs as possible here in the community and at the same time write my own hubs and go on with my "real life." I'm very fortunate to have fans such as yourself. Thank you so much for wishing a lot of good luck!
Hey, Drew. Thanks for making the connection. So much has been done already in this genre that I found it difficult to be "original" so to speak. I haven't read "manon lescaut" so will now have to check it out.
Cheers Dohn. You are a gifted Writer. I will come back to read the chapters of I Fraternity. Wishing you good luck with it. :)
Thanks, Lady_E! I really appreciate it. I look forward to hearing more of your comments as always.
Wow. Your versatility in writing is wonderful. I also see this as the start of a good book or movie. Run with it!
Thank you, Peggy. I originally didn't plan for this to become a book or even a series, but the response has been overwhelming. I'll certainly consider it. Thank you so much much for the encouragement.
Good job ,Great writing .
i tried to leave you this comment last night but HubPages was acting strange. my comment re: this splendid hub was, and i quote ;)
this was fantastic! i was riveted. i want to read more. and i agree it reminded me of a graphic novel as well. brilliant. epic. i am out of words!
Dohn, I must say you have amazing writing skill.I am learning so much from you very time I visit your hubs.
Thank you, Veryfortunate for the kind comment.
Hello, cosette! I think that I'm going to give this story a sequel, now that there are so many requests for me to do so. A couple of people have already emailed me, ranging from what the character's name was, what he looked like, and what his back-story is. I'll admit that I have not yet consider these themes, as I really didn't put it at the forefront of importance. Thanks again, cosette. I know now what I have to do :D
Hey, Andromida. It's always great to hear from you. Thank you as always for your compliment. I hope that I can keep you interested :D
Very dark... but creative and well written! You definately have a talent for writing in this dark genre, and I encourage you to write more (I'd buy your book...). I'm officially a fan and I'm going to go read some more of your short stories right now. Thanks for keeping this place interesting!
An interesting and vivid piece of writing--perhaps it could really be expanded with more details into a novella.
That's so wonderful to hear, Delaney Boling. I am in fact revising and editing my novel as we speak, as I've gotten word that a literary agent wants to see my work, so I will definitely keep you informed about it. Thank you so much for fanning me. I'll look forward to more of your comments.
Hi, juneaukid. I'm seriously considering doing just that. Thank you so much for the encouragement and the suggestion. I appreciate the compliment.
I am so thankful I found your hubs. You are an awesome writer and I know I can learn from you. Very creative and worthwhile reading. Twists are great. I'll be reading and following and rating. Bookmarked this one for sure. Thanks
Thank you so much, queenbe. It's great to have met you and to receive your comment. I'm flattered by all the responses this story has garnered. I'll look forward to hearing from you and also look forward to reading you as well.
Great style, nice narrative skills, fascinating images here and there. i find the avenger is too cynical but gloomy! You can excel in this genre dohn121 as you mingled your words with vivid pcitures and descriptive incidents. Thanks dohn121. Great word.
Shamel
Hey, Shamel. Thank you for the comment. I've come up with a couple of the names and so will make a decision soon, along with a sequel to this short story in which I thought was sufficient and complete. However, the responses have been better than what I expected and so I'm going to continue it until someone complains. It's great to hear from as always.
Nice work Dohn! A vigilante at the midst of destruction, result of this corruptive world. It makes you question the system...and even the existance of God. Has he given up on us? It seems the righteous are suffering more and more each day while the unrighteous ignite their treacherous flames upon the path of destruction they lead. We are man's worse enemy, the deadliest creatures on earth. We are capable of loving, yet we are also capable of murder. This was a very good story but left without closure. Some more please!
Hey dohn121 - you nailed this one! Man, what a writer! I enjoyed it! Very inspiring. You've become one of my fans! Good luck with your other projects!
Holy Canoli!! This story certainly drew me in now this is certainly a story I would love to keep reading. :)
Wow, thanglynn07, I think that you could build on your comment alone and make a fascinating hub. Thank you so much for your wonderful comment (I'm sure that my main character would agree with you one-hundred percent in either case). It's my belief that if fate really does play in his role, his daughter Haley was surely taken for a reason and perhaps this reason is why he is who he is...This is certainly what fueled me to write this story--the lost of innocence to create a much-needed hero. I hope that I can deliver more! Thanks again.
Hello, dl53acy. Thank you for the flattering comment. I just elated that so many people have read my story and more so continue to. Thank you for the well-wishing. I've become quite addicted to the HubPages community.
Hi, "J"! Thank you so much visiting me! It's always good to hear from you. I appreciate the comment and hope to not let anyone down in the next few installments. You'll know as soon as I do of course :D
It is always a great pleasure to be an integral part of someone's passion albeit technology or writing (which you do extremely well at)...Nice work friend...
Hey, mtsi1098, it certainly is, as it is our passion that is the impetus to achieving our goals. Thank you so much for the comment!
Wow you deff have many strings to your bow Dohn and well all the comments on this hub sum up how great it was. Keep on writing moi friend !
Very good. You have a good sense of your characters and how to portray them. I really liked it!
Excellent Hub! Thank you for this Hub.
HealthTip--Thank you so much for that, kind sir :D I really do appreciate your support and friendship. I'll certainly do my best to expand this as well ;)
Kebennett1--Thank you for reading me and for the comment. I've said this before, but the "father" was actually an accident. I already have a few more lines for him in the upcoming series.
magdielqr--Thanks for the compliment. I really do appreciate it.
Well, this was an unexpected treasure! Not sure what I was expecting to find, but - WOW!
You have a wonderful way words
Thank you very much for that, Duchess! The pic might have something to do with what you were "expecting to find," I gather :D I just couldn't think of another pic for this story. I'm glad that you liked it!
another good story
Hey, Lgali. Thank you again for the comment!
Ha ha ha that's my man, dohn! Heeha!!! Loved it...you were right, it surely is right up my alley...good one, homes!
I'm glad you liked it, buddy. With the suggestion of a few hubbers, I think I'm gonna try to find a kick-ass artist/cartoonist so we can collaborate on a graphic novel and then you can make it into a movie ;) Whaddaya think?
This is nicely done. No wander you are doing good here in HP. You have a long way to go.
That's an amazing score, well done
Thank you, Philent for the compliment. I hope to build on all of my successes while here.
Thank you, katyzzz for that. I appreciate your reading me and hope to hear from you again.
Dohn, another good one. Loved the story and the pic too.
regards Zsuzsy
Hello, Zsuzsy Bee. Thank you for the compliment! The next installment should be published by tomorrow! I hope to see you there!
Great story Dohn. You have a real grasp of dialogue. Sorry it has taken me so long to respond. I want to leave a couple of comments:
1. The strength of your story is the exchange between the protagonist and his father. You can easily expand this and develop very deep commentary on society without getting preachy. Well done.
2. From a literary standpoint (because I know zilch about comics from a creative point of view), try limiting the passive voice. You do a great job of expressing an aggressive, powerful character. Direct sentences will elevate this effect. (ex. "I’ve done my share of vengeance. I’ve knocked out teeth with my bare fists...", try-- I exercise vengeance. I use my bare fist to knock out teeth, birthed holes in walls thanks to resisting heads..)
3. Evoke the same descriptive elements you use at the end where he enters the apartment with the beating of guy in paragraph 5. It is tough in a market so driven by minimalism to find the balance in exposition.
These are only suggestions because you are a talented storyteller. Keep up the good work.
Hey, twalker74, thanks for the comments.
On point #2: The reason by which I wrote the main character's lines is due to the fact that its his voice and not mine (which can sometimes sound overbearing) and so is somewhat thuggish and should not be at all articulate (more Batman rather than Bruce Wayne).
On point #3: I can see where you're coming from in this, I just didn't write as much towards the end of that particular passage. I've already started the next installment and should have it published as a hub by tomorrow
Thanks, twalker74 for your criticism. I hope you enjoy the next hubs/episodes in this series.
I am sure I will enjoy the next piece. Your skill at reviewing books and after reading this story, I am sure the next one will be great. In regard to point 2, it definitely reflects my lack of comic book knowledge.
Well, I'm sort of a rookie when it comes to this, but I have read quite a few comics in my day. I'm just giving it a shot right now. I'm pulled into the main character so that's why I'm expanding. I just hope my audience likes what I write.
Great stuff. Are you planning on putting all of your collected stories (once there all finished) into a book?
Dohn121, this is great. Well written. What a great story. Well done. I am going to read additional stories from you. It is very inspiring.
I really would love to, Double Down (I loved that name, due to it's implications by the way). I just found a literary agent that wants to see my novel, so hopefully it won't be long. Just getting feedback from so many great people is great in itself. Thanks for the inquiry and for the read. I appreciate it.
Thank you so much for that, Leop. I look forward to hearing more of your comments as always. You're always welcome.
Wow! This is AWESOME! You are a gifted writer with words and the imagery that you created is fantastic. I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for the sequel...and the next one....and the one after that.........
Thank you so much, Beth100. Funny you should say that, as I am working on the next installment--I came right over here as soon as I got the email notification. It should be ready in no more than an hour and a half, so if you're still up, please come back ;) I really am flattered over all of the positive responses! Thank you again.
i liked it and it looks lie so many others do toooooo. Wow you are doing so well, and still take the time to write on my hubs, nice one, hope you get published soon and glad someone is looking at your work, i am your first fan hooray,
Thanks, Poet! It's always great to hear from my First. It's easy to do what you love, I guess. I do have a bit of a following and the responses this story has gotten so far is beyond what I had hoped. I hope you continue to follow this story onward! Thanks!
Wow, this is a side to you I did not expect. I like it--you have a very distinctive voice and it's authentic and powerful. Lots of times people try to write about this sort of thing and it comes off as false because it's only their opinions coming through--they can't get into the voice of a real character. It reminds me a bit of some of Elmore Leonard's novels--I love his work too. Very gritty, very real. I am a fan now, dohn, I hope you get this published and get some real $$$ for it. You deserve it.
Thank you so much for that Pam! As I've stated earlier, this is the first time I'm taking a crack at this kind of story. Writing it in first-person narrative just seemed at the time the way to go--I think much of the strength of this story is attributed to my main character. Thank you for the compliment. It means a lot to me coming from you. I really hope I can get published soon.
Great story. Why dont you write a novel? I would buy it.
Well done.
msjinty
That's funny that you should say that, msjinty. I actually finished my first novel in March of 2008 and am currently working on two more including two novellas in which one of them just might become a graphic novel (Revenge, Inc.) I'll certainly let you know as soon as I'm published. Thank you so much for your support and readership.
Well done, chump.
It's about damn time, Seymour! Now I gotta see whatcha got.
This is terrific, gritty yet well written. Hope to see more!
Thank you, Mardi. Did you read Part 2? I hope you like it.
Great! BTW - are you going to write the entire book *Fraternity* on here?
Thanks, privateeye2500. I'm glad that you enjoyed it. I'm not definite yet about "I, Fraternity" as I'm not sure that I'll get it done just yet. I do however have about 6 more hubs that I could post on it--perhaps I'll go with it so long as fans like you are interested. Thanks for the query! It means a lot.
love it love it love it.
Thanks, CorriStar! What better compliment could I ask for?
You have a powerful gift. I loved this story. It is gritty and dark, and yet on the cusp of exploding into something even more wonderful. I'm off to read the next installment. Then maybe I'll find that other hub you asked me to read. :O
Thanks so much for that wannabwestern. I'm floored to hear that coming from you! I'll have the third installment in a few days :D It's always great to hear from you.
I agree with most people here. You definitely have the gift of the gab and you make this super amazing stories for us to share and rejoice. More often than not, revenge and forgiveness are like night and day. If one can learn how to have forgiveness in the heart, they can forget about revenge too. Great article. Will be looking forward to the next few.. which I saw you already have.
I can hardly wait for the next installment. Thanks dohn.
HPWriter--Thank you so much for that comment. No, revenge is definitely not a good thing but my goal is to get readers to empathize with Marak--the main character--in that "revenge" is necessary, like when the entire system is broken. There is so much more that I want to share with everyone and hope that I can keep my readership up for this series. I just want to keep readers interested enough to read it to the very end!
Flightkeeper--Thank you for reading! I should have the third installment out very soon (within the next 2 or 3 days). I'm glad you liked it.
I can hardly wait for the next installment. Thanks dohn.
Thank you! Yes, in a few days I'll be posting it. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Great job, that was some pleasant reading Dohn.
Hey, Arthur. Thank you for reading it. I hope you like the next installments.
Cool story, great character and voice. Looking forward to reading the rest.
Thanks, wrenfrost. I hope to hear from you again! (I just published Part 3, by the way). It's always good to hear from you.
Hey, I sure wish I could think of something good and original to write here, but, wow!! I really loved this!! It sorta reminded me of The Maxx, just in his defense of the innocent and all. I am so excited to read the rest!! You have a true talent, and your such a nice guy too!!
Thank you very much for that Justine76. There are many heroic characters that inspired me to write this. I really do like the character of Marak and hope to do him "justice" as a no-nonsense protector. Thanks for the compliment!
Well versed. You're an awesome writer! Keep it up! :)
Hey, lancelonie. Thank you for the compliment! I hope you'll follow this series to the (bitter?) end.
Wow, I missed your newest articles somehow....Have to start to read immediately. Up till now - is excellent!!! I enjoy every word...
Hi, Tatjana-Mihaela! Thanks for reading this story. Yes, with the urge of several of my friends and fans, I was forced (by gun-point) to add to the storyline and continue on with this story as hubs. Part 4 should be ready by tomorrow, so please stay tuned! Thank you!
hi Dohn, this is a start of a long read to your novel, have written a hub the art of forgiveness..let us see, but i will definitely read your story, I am hooked and I am your fan till you stop writing!
Hello, prettydarkhorse. It looks like you have some catching up to do ;) I hope you continue to read this series and of course I hope that you like it. Thanks for stopping in.
I am enjoying the story, but I must admit it was easy to continue reading since it reminds me of the TV shows "DEXTER", and "LEVERAGE". Maybe you should send some of your work to them. Good Luck
Thank you for the compliment, Auntie M. I would need representation before doing something like that and I'm working on doing just that right now. Shows are a bit reluctant to accept unsolicited manuscripts from nobodies like me :) That is, you're nobody (as a writer) until an agent loves you! Thank you for reading me.
Dohn...is that you Dohn?? You could have knocked me down with a feather! Very different from your usual style and yet as good - in a different way - if you know what I mean. As someone said earlier - is Hollywood calling?
Thank you Shalini! I've always tried to be as dynamic as possible when it comes to my writing. My dream is to someday publish and I believe this ever since I began to take my writing seriously (about 9 years ago). I do see this as a movie, but I don't want to write the screenplay. However, someone could buy the rights for it! I'm so glad that you enjoy it Shalini! Thank you.
WoW ! Your story sounds like it should be a motion picture.
With all the details you put in it. A true story it is based on so well.
Thank you so much for the compliment, mjt122649. That would be a dream come true for me. I appreciate that.
Okay - I'm hooked! On to the next installment!
Hello, Redelf. Thanks for that! I hope you enjoy the next installments.
VERY cool! Glad I found you. I'm looking forward to reading more of your hubs. Best, GPAGE
Thanks, GPAGE. I appreciate the comment ans look forward to hearing from you again.
Just got started reading your series. Wild and wonderful. will continue...
Thank you Green Lotus! It's great to see that you're into it :D I look forward to hearing from you again in the upcoming installments!
nice to see that youthful visage once again
:D Thanks, Green Lotus! I was a turkey for about an hour last night and then decided to change back!
Great story! Dark and dirty and very human!
Thanks, liminal! Part 6 will be ready in 10 minutes!
Ive wanted to write a novel for years , and ive tried several times . I think you inspired me to write again
this is really good when you get published I will buy your book. I will read the rest of your work now. thanks.
Thanks again, TFT. I'm happy to hear that you're following this story and appreciate your support and encouragement. Thank you!
Very nice. Excellent prose! I look forward to reading more.
Thank you, Celia! It's great to have you on board. I look forward to hearing from you again.
Scott.Life says:
2 months ago
Nicely done my friend I can see all kinds of questions being surmised in this story. This is just the beginning of something I think.