Coping with Death and Grief

Some moments of people’s lives are etched in the minds eye forever, but unfortunately for some reflecting on their lives does not always lead to recollections of the best and most joyful occurrences. Instead, some experiences leave behind haunting memories of grief and sorrow. Anyone that has ever endured the pain and suffering that comes with the death of someone close and dear can understand what I am saying. There is plenty of information available on the stages of grief, most of which was introduced by the psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. The theory does make sense so I would encourage you to learn more about it, but she herself had indicated that it wasn’t meant to insinuate that everyone grieves the same way or for it to be rigid outline that everyone will follow. I have discovered that grief is unique to every experience, is dependent upon certain factors, and that instead of going through phases of grief it is more like a rollercoaster with overlapping emotions. Some of that is what I would like to share so below are some tips and more in depth views.

Factors

1) The Relationship – What type of relationship you had with the person and the function of it is going to have an affect. The death of someone who was a minor part of your life is not going to have the same impact as the loss of a child, spouse, sibling, parent, grandparent, close friend, and so on. The more significant the loss is the more intense your grief will be.

2) Turmoil - If there was turmoil in your relationship with them you may feel guilt or that there was unresolved conflict. You will no doubt feel robbed of the opportunity not only to share more of life with this person, but of the opportunity to find a resolution. If this is the case try to put that turmoil into perspective. Allow yourself to imagine what that person would say to you if they were able and think about how your issues would have been resolved. All you can do now is make peace with yourself over the issues and not permit yourself to dwell over it.

3) Value - If there was no conflict or when you move past the fact that there was, you will start considering the value of that relationship in your life and how your life is going to be different without them. The larger the role that the person played in your life the more tremendous the effect is going to be. Death can change the dynamics of daily life as well as personal and family function.  

4) Expectation of Death – A mental preparation seems to occur when it is known that someone will be passing on and the shock is less than that of a sudden or unexpected death. In this case, the grief reaction tends to start beforehand and continues after the person’s death. After their death there is not only continued mourning that is felt, but there may include a feeling of helplessness for not being able to prevent the persons death and in some case fault for wishing that their anguish would end. It is only natural that we wish we could have done something and to not want our loved ones to suffer.

5) An Unforeseen Death – The surrounding circumstances and that person’s life expectancy is going to influence you emotionally. If you expected them to live a long and fruitful life you are likely to be overcome by the unfairness of it all. As well, a sudden or unanticipated death can be profoundly shocking and the astonishing news can leave a person shaken with the inability to absorb the fact that the person has died.

6) Cause of Death - If an aging grandparent or terminally ill family member passes it is likely that there was knowledge of their ailment and having that information can assist with a person coming to terms with the death. However, if the deceased died traumatically, of an ailment there loved one's had no previous knowledge of, or of unknown causes the amount of despair can be overwhelming. The mind seems to cope better with understanding. As well, nobody wants to imagine their loved one enduring any kind of suffering and the image of their traumatic death can be haunting.

7) Circumstances – The more complicated the situation the more difficult it is to cope with. In some cases there is a lot more to be faced or dealt with than death itself. If someone died unexpectedly, was murdered, neglected, provoked, or committed suicide there is going to be an array of intense emotions. There is likely to be a lot more anger, unanswered questions, guilt, remorse, and a need to get justice for a loved one.

8) Responsibilities – After a person’s death there are many responsibilities to deal with and that can cause high levels of stress. In every death there are funeral arrangements to be made, the decision of burial versus cremation, and frequently, an estate left behind that needs to be dealt with. If none of this was in order beforehand it all has to be arranged, which is not easy to handle. After all, you are trying to make the right decisions by the deceased and want to do so according to what their wishes would have been. In some situations, such as the one’s that I mentioned above there can include having to deal with an autopsy being performed on your loved one, which can be disturbing to imagine. There can also be the added stressors of having to deal with medical examiners, law enforcement, and lawyers.

Symptoms and Emotions

1) Shock – Initially you may not be able to believe what has happened and it may seem unreal. This information is so new to you that you could be expecting them to show up or call.

2) Numbness – You could remain stunned while feeling like you are just going through the motions of daily life.

3) Sorrow – Feelings of despair or sadness. It is likely that you will cry a great deal and experience emotional breakdowns.

4) Yearning – You are probably going to long for the person you lost and become nostalgic. You could feel deep loneliness and have a feeling of seclusion.

5) Wishfulness – This is where you may find yourself wishing that somehow the outcome could have been different. You could find yourself trying to bargain by saying things like if I could only go back I would or that I would give anything for the person to be here.

6) Emptiness – You may have a sense that your life is barren and bleak.

7) Instability – You could feel like your life is unbalanced and feel emotionally unstable.

8) Guilt – You might blame yourself or feel fault for not being able to help or prevent the person’s death. You may think there was something that you could or should have done. You may even feel guilty about the emotions you are having and wonder why you feel the way you do.

9) Defensiveness – You could become bitter and defensive. The silly cliché lines that people tend to use while someone is grieving may cause you distress. You possibly will feel like you need to explain yourself and defend your emotions as well as the one of a kind relationship you had with the person who died.

10) Reclusiveness – You may become reserved and more introverted. It may bother you to be around people, to observe relationships similar to the one you lost, and feel a need to protect yourself emotionally.

11) Foolishness – You might feel silly for all your thoughts and questions. You might scold yourself for the persons name slipping off your tongue or for moments that you may think of them as if they were still here.

12) Anger – It is probable that you are going to feel resentful over the death. You could find yourself mad at the doctors, God, the person who passed away for abandoning you, and even yourself. You may want revenge and in some cases, will have to seek justice.

13) Denial – You may not believe that this is all happening to you and can’t accept that the person is gone.

14) Fear – A feeling that upheaval has been brought upon your life and this can be very distressing. You could feel anxious and insecure, which will likely be more prevalent if the person was a major part of your life. You may develop worries and wonders about the after life. You may ponder your own mortality and the purpose of life. You could even become paranoid about other people in your life dying, especially if you have had to cope with many close losses. Also, people tend to have panic attacks after significant losses.

15) Physical Responses – Your body does have a reaction while you are suffering and grieving. Some of them may include fatigue, weakness, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, chest tightness, tension headaches, and dry mouth. In these cases your symptoms could be mistaken so please be sure to contact your doctor if you experience them.

16) Behavioral Changes – It is likely that how you act, live, and behave will be affected. You could have appetite changes, weight loss, become withdrawn socially, suffer from insomnia, and experience nightmares.

Truths About Misconceptions

1) After a death there are no exact stages or process to grief. First of all, every person’s loss and relationship with the deceased is exclusive no matter how similar it may seem. One experience is not comparable to another and each person grieves individually. Grief depends on many aspects such as personality, coping styles, life experiences, faith, the lost relationship itself, and other factors.

2) There is no normal way to grieve or specific time table. Grief is a gradual process and can not be rushed. People should not pressure themselves and nor should society. The amount of time a person needs for grieving or how they are going about it is entirely up to them.

3) People often say that someone needs to get over a death. A significant loss is not something that you will ever get over or entirely heal from. It is damaging to our psyche and changes our lives.

4) Time does not heal all wounds. The pain of loosing someone dear does not entirely end as they will always remain important to you and very much missed. All time does is make the shock wear off and allows us to adjust to life without our loved one.

5) The pain will not go away if it is ignored. In fact, it will resurface and therefore needs to be faced.

6) It is alright to accept that you are not going to be ok in the same sense that you once were. The reality of it is that your life will not be the same and it will not go on as usual. The most difficult part here is acceptance and piecing your life back together.

7) There is accuracy to the saying that the world does not stop for your grief. However, the reality of it is, that it probably feels like your world has came to a screeching halt. People who are grieving don’t need reminders that the hustle and bustle of everyday life continues. They are acutely aware of it and bewildered by it.

8) The idea exists that once one step of grief is overcome that it is behind you. However, that is not true and in fact, the process is almost repetitive.

Tips

1) Do not pressure yourself or let people convince you of what you should or should not be doing. Societal pressures are all too real during times like these, but don’t let that persuade you into doing something you are not capable of handling.

2) Some people, especially men, feel like they must be strong in the event of a loss. However, sorrow does not mean that someone is weak and the other people of your life do not need to be protected from your emotions. They need your involvement, to understand how you feel, and for you to share the experience with them.

3) Don’t let pride and self sufficiency get in the way of you leaning on friends and family. Keep in mind that they are probably going to be your greatest support system and that it is ok to rely on them. Often, people do want to help, but have no idea how to. So, make a list and give each one of them a duty. If you feel like you are burdening them ask them and make it clear that you want a truthful response. They will tell you and it's likely that you are worrying about it too much.

4) Allow yourself to feel and examine all of your emotions. Remember, what you feel is not going to being concluded as you pass through each emotion. Your emotions will be experienced again and again. Also, be accepting of your own feelings and know that you have a right to them.

5) Try not to let the death of your loved one consume your life and degrade the value of your other relationships. There are other people in your life that need you and it's essential for them to know that you need them also.

6) Try not to let yourself to become overly withdrawn. Get counseling, join groups, turn to your faith if you are religious, and reach out to friends and family for help. Talking about your feelings does bring some sense of relief. Also, it may be difficult to deal with society when your pain is so intense and you are puzzled by how the world could go on, but those feelings will lessen each time you do get out and face people.

7) Contact your therapist or grief counselor if you feel like life isn’t worth living, you wish you had died with your loved one, you are experiencing intense blame or guilt, are having difficulty trusting others, or are unable to perform you daily activities.

8) If you are experiencing grief that manifests itself with severe depression and thoughts of harming yourself, seek immediate help. There are places you can turn to such as local help lines, crisis interventions facilities, and emergency rooms. Don’t forget that if you were to harm yourself that there are people who will be left behind to deal with the sudden loss of you as well and will suffer with the same grief and heartache that you are feeling.