How Does Swinging Affect Marriage and Marital Satisfaction?

In today's American society, mate-swapping, or "swinging" - engaging in sexual activities with strangers - is mostly seen as deviant and a threat to marriage. Due to this belief, swingers are reluctant to disclose their lifestyle and must swing in secret if they wish to avoid persecution and stigmatization. And yet despite the stigmatization and the secrecy, swinging has continued to be a part of American culture for decades (Bergstrand & Williams, 2000). The secrecy that surrounds swinging means that non-swingers do not fully understand what swinging means or the benefits that swinging may have in marriage. The secrecy also means that individuals in a swinging relationship who are having problems may not seek out and/or get the help that they need (Ziskin & Ziskin, 1975). It is the opinion of this researcher that swinging is not the deviant behavior that many claim it is and that it has the potential to bring couples and families closer and bond stronger when both partners are equally invested in the behavior. The individual freedom that each spouse feels as well as the level of communication that must be present in order for swinging to be effective may have a positive effect on marital satisfaction for many couples. However, if both partners are not equally invested or one feels forced into the behavior by the other, than there are a plethora of problems that can arise in the marriage. Understanding how marriage and marital satisfaction are affected by swinging will give non-swingers an opportunity to better understand the lifestyle that swingers lead and what it's really doing to marriage. There are also possibly some ideas that can come from the lives of swingers that can be applied to non-swingers lives that can help marital satisfaction. The de-stigmatization of swingers is important to those couples who need to seek help but are afraid of being judged. In order to look at the ways in which swinging affects marital satisfaction I will first discuss the history of swinging to see how it started and how it has changed. Next I will look at the characteristics of people who swing. Then I will look at the benefits that swinging can bring to marriage and the negative effects that swinging can have on marriage. Finally I will examine what can be done to combat the negative effects that swinging can have on marriage.

The History of Swinging

For the purposes of this paper I will define swinging as the behavior of a married couple who seeks extramarital sexual interactions (Rubin & Adams, 1986). While extramarital sex has been around since the dawn of man, the idea of swinging seems to be a relatively newer phenomenon, though this could be because swinging was not looked at by psychologists until the late 1960s (Henshel, 1973). Despite the lack of attention from academics, swinging was given popular media attention in the 1950s when it was referred to as "wife-swapping" (Bergstrand & Williams, 2000). "Key clubs" were popular with California military couples and consisted of husbands tossing their keys into a pile on the floor only to have them picked up again by the wives who would then have sex with the man whose keys they had chosen (McGinley, 1995 as cited by Bergstrand & Williams, 2000). The tumultuous times that made up both the 1960s and 1970s gave rise to what became known as alternative lifestyles (Rubin, 2001). These were comprised of people who were choosing to cohabit instead of marry, as well as a rise in the number of women choosing to become single parents rather than marry, and the gay and lesbian communities began fighting for their rights. The rise of the sexual revolution also gave rise to alternative marriage styles such as swinging (Rubin, 2001). With the surge of sexual freedom and alternative lifestyles came a surge of research on the subject in the 1970s which is still widely cited in papers and articles written today. Interestingly, the literature moving up through the decades from the 1960s to the present varies little in its findings. People are still swinging, it seems they are still swinging for the same reasons, and both the benefits and negative effects have changed little over the years (de Visser & McDonald, 2007).

Who are the Swingers?

Perhaps because of the social stigmatization that comes along with the swinging lifestyle, there is no way to tell the difference between a non-swinging couple and swinging couple unless they specifically tell you about their sexual habits. Since swinging emerged on the scene it has been seen as deviant by those outsides swinging groups and other sexually free groups (Walshock, 1971). In the 1970s, like today, swingers could be married couples, just one partner from a marriage, unmarried couples in a committed relationship, single individuals, divorced individuals, and even widows. The married swingers tended to discriminate against non-married swingers, hippies who were part of the "free love" movement, and bisexuals (Fang, 1976). Today, things have changed slightly. According to Rubin (2001) there is no longer a move towards "free love" and swinging is not as restricted to married couples. Swinging can offer married bisexuals an opportunity to engage in a sexual relationship with an individual of the same sex (Bergstrand & Williams, 2000). Bergstrand and Williams (2000) found that demographically, swingers are not that different from non-swingers - they are cut across the political spectrum, are a part of the middle to upper-middle class, have a higher degree of education, are white with white collar jobs, and around middle age. Other research indicates the swingers tend to be in their twenties and thirties (Cole & Spaniard, 1974; Fang, 1976; Varni, 1972) though this research is from the 1970s and the mean age of swingers today could simply be older than it once was.

Family Structure. Marriage is most highly defended by religion and religious individuals, so it may seem surprising to some that swingers are slightly more religious than the general population (Bergstrand & Williams, 2000). Not surprisingly, swingers are more liberal when dealing with certain controversial issues that relate to marriage and sexuality such as interracial marriages and the rights of homosexuals (Bergstrand & Williams, 2000). Swingers are more likely to have more egalitarian gender roles in their marriages, and value both marriage and family as much as non-swingers (Fang, 1976). It was once thought that people who engaged in swinging behaviors must have been the victims of child abuse and/or family dysfunction. This idea may stem from the idea that the swinging behavior itself is deviant and dysfunctional in the context of marriage and family. Bergstrand and Williams (2000) found that this is not the case at all and that swingers are just as likely as non-swingers to have been victims of child abuse and/ or family dysfunction.

The Benefits to Marriage

Marital satisfaction. Through the use of marital satisfaction surveys and in some cases even interviews, many studies have found that certain couples who engage in swinging behaviors have a higher marital satisfaction than non-swingers (Bergstrand & Williams, 2000; Cole & Spaniard, 1974; Fang, 1976; Rubin & Adams, 1986; and Varni, 1972). While it cannot be said for sure why swingers have a higher marital satisfaction, there exist within the relationship of a couple that swings many potential factors that could affect marital satisfaction in a good way. According to Fang (1976), there exists within the swinging relationship a great deal of communication and independence, as well as a release of sexual inhibitions and revitalization of the couple's own sexual relationship. In a survey given to 1092 swingers, Bergstrand and Williams (2000) found that communication, independence, and relationship revitalization are still reasons people give for why they continue to swing. Marital satisfaction may also go up as a result of using swinging to revitalize a stale or failing marriage. Ziskin and Ziskin (1975) note that recreational sex outside of the marriage can be a good way for the couple to reconnect with one another and can be used within sex therapy as a way of bringing the spice back to the bedroom and the marriage. A good sex life is important to marital satisfaction and swinging can help to remind couples of what they have together that they cannot find outside (Denfeld & Gordon, 1970). General life satisfaction and excitement. Like marital satisfaction, the life satisfaction of swingers in general seems to be higher than that of non-swingers (Bergstrand & Williams, 2000). The researchers contend that this overall life satisfaction could be a part of the overall excitement in life that swingers seem to have. In addition to feeling more satisfied with their lives than non-swingers, swingers had more excitement in their lives. The life of the surveyed swingers is more sexually exciting than those of the non-swingers and swinging clubs offer an exciting place to go and engage in swinging.

Good communication. Due to the very intimate nature of what each partner is doing with other people, good communication is key if the marriage is to survive swinging. Swingers tend to have better communication and freer communication about deeper issues than non-swingers (Fang, 1976). Communication is necessary to navigate the world of swinging and to make sure that both partners are getting what they need out of both the swinging and the marriage, and helps in the management of some of the problematic "side effects" that can come along with swinging such as jealousy (de Visser & McDonald, 2007). The good communication that is needed about intimate issues in the marriage of a swinging couple carries over into other aspects of their lives. Henshel (1973) found that decision making in a marriage where both partners were swingers was more egalitarian and consisted of better communication. Independence. Independence became especially important for women in the 1970s during the women's liberation movement. Swinging offered these women and the women of today more independence from the strict rules about what wives do in a relationship and what it means to be married. It is widely reported that women are more likely than men to adapt quickly to the swinging lifestyle (Henshel, 1973). This newfound independence from the marriage allows both partners more freedom from one another and their roles which simultaneously makes them happier with the marriage (Denfeld & Gordon, 1970). Negative Effects on Marriage Jealousy. While it is possible for jealousy to be managed and even turned into a form of sexual arousal for the swinging couple (de Visser & McDonald, 2007), jealousy is a common problem reported among a group that Denfeld (1974) calls the "dropout swingers" - couples who used to engage in swinging behaviors but no longer do. It is more common for men than women to experience jealousy of the popularity of the wife in the swinging relationship (Denfeld, 1974). This jealousy on the part of the man could be a product of the double standard that exists in society in which it is okay for the male to have multiple sex partners but not okay for the female. For women who developed jealousy there was a fear of losing their husband, a different feeling than that expressed by then men (Denfeld, 1974). Jealousy may also stem from the true development of an outside attachment. Occasionally swingers do develop an emotional attachment to a swinging partner. This can cause jealousy in the marriage partner and lead to even more serious problems such as separation or divorce (Denfeld, 1974). Jealousy is one of the most common reasons that married swingers seek counseling (Ziskin & Ziskin, 1975).

Guilt. Feelings of guilt are most prevalent in those individuals who did not want to be involved in swinging or individuals who feel as though they are forcing their partner into the swinging lifestyle (Ziskin & Ziskin, 1975). Guilt is also one of the second largest concerns that swinging couples bring to counseling (Denfeld, 1974). Guilt can be experienced when one or both partners feels that what they are doing is deviant or socially unacceptable, which may affect their performance with other partners or how they relate to their spouse in the context of swinging (Walshok, 1971).

Trust. Some swingers report a lack of trust on the part of the other partner in the context of swinging. This lack of trust could arise for multiple reasons. The most common is the lack of trust in the other partner to not develop some outside attachment and to engage in a secret extramarital affair outside of swinging and is most likely to be reported by the woman in the relationship (Denfeld, 1974; and Ziskin & Ziskin, 1975). One or both partners may not trust the other to not break any ground rules that have been set in the context of swinging (Henshel, 1973). A fear of contracting AIDS or other STDs may lead some partners to not trust the other to practice safe sex or to get tested on a regular basis (Jenks, 1992). All causes of a lack of trust can have detrimental effects on the marriage. Forced Swinging. It does happen sometimes that one partner does not want to engage in swinging activities but feels guilty, is coerced, or is forced into doing so. Husbands are more likely to initiate swinging than women (Henshel, 1973) which may make the wives feel pressured into swinging. In the cases of forced swinging, wives were much more likely to drop out from the lifestyle than men and were more likely to report feelings of disgust and revulsion towards the lifestyle and themselves (Denfeld, 1974).

Fear of discovery. Swingers sometimes report the fear that they will be discovered, which makes sense considering how they are viewed by the public. However, it is not just the community that swingers fear being discovered by, one of the main reasons that swingers may drop out is a fear that their children will discover their behavior (Denfeld, 1974). It is also the case that some swingers dropped out of the lifestyle because they were discovered (Denfeld, 1974). Denfeld (1974) also reports that any time swingers were discovered by their children (especially teenage children) family functioning became "seriously disturbed". Fear of sexually transmitted diseases. Since swingers have sex with multiple partners and also have sex with their marriage partners, the fear of contracting an STD and passing it on to the spouse is justified. The percentage of swingers that admitted to a fear of AIDS was close to that found in other studies for homosexuals (Jenks, 1992). Even though swingers were more likely than the general population to practice safe sex with their multiple partners and more likely to get tested for HIV and other STDs, the fear of contracting the AIDS virus or other STDs caused only a small percentage of swingers to dropout from the lifestyle (Jenks, 1992).

Combating Negative Effects

We have seen how negative effects to swinging do exist, but they can be combated. Due to the association of swinging as a threat to marriage, deviant, and socially unacceptable, couples may be reluctant to seek therapy or counseling for their troubles and instead simply dissolve the marriage or continue to engage in swinging to please the other partner. However, even in the 1970s sex therapists and marriage counselors were dealing with issues related to swinging and their effects on marriage, so couples should not be afraid to seek out help if and when needed. If a couple thinks they might be interested in a swinging lifestyle, a preemptive strike against potential problems may be a good idea. Ziskin and Ziskin (1975) mention that being aware of the problems that could arise and being prepared for how to deal with them when they come is a great way for couples to start swinging and to avoid negative "side effects" of swinging. Facilitating communication early on about feelings and emotions is also a good way to make sure that the couple does not feel pressure from their partner and will make sure that the couple continues to talk about their feelings and any problems they are having when they begin swinging. A therapist may also be able to educate a couple that is either thinking about swinging or who already is swinging about the importance of knowing the sexual history of who they are having sexual relations with outside the marriage. Safe sex practices need to emphasized as well as regular testing for STDs so that both partners can be kept safe (Jenks, 1992). Finally, bringing media attention back to the world of swinging could help swingers feel better about their lifestyles. The fear of discovery and the feelings of guilt that can be brought on due to the stigmatization of the lifestyle could be fought with education. Presenting swinging as a normal behavior would make it easier for swingers so that they may not have to hide their behaviors or fear what their neighbors or even their own children would say if they were to find out. Being up front and honest about their lifestyle with children is a way to avoid potential family conflicts and bringing them to counseling sessions as well may help the family environment (Ziskin & Ziskin, 1975).

Summary and Personal Thoughts

Issues regarding sex and sexuality are still not talked about openly within our culture. If just sex itself is a taboo subject, then issues regarding sexual lifestyles that are different from the "norm" are regarded as deviant and are talked about in hushed conversation with giggles or condemning stares. When people in the culture are more comfortable with sexuality in general, issues for people who are already comfortable with their sexuality and explore aspects of their sexuality and engage in sexual behavior that is different from what is going on in the typical American household will be viewed with less stigma and with more acceptance. The swinging lifestyle is looked down upon in today's society, but we have seen that it can have positive effects on marriage, even bringing marital satisfaction higher than it is in couples who do not swing. Perhaps people who have a lower marital satisfaction can learn some things from swingers - the importance of communication, allowing your partner to keep their independence, and having an egalitarian relationship. Swinging might even be suggested to couples who need to revitalize their sex lives, or even their marriage. Swinging, for the most part, has positive effects on marriage, and is practiced by what some researchers have called the "uninterestingly normal" (Smiths, 1974 as cited by Fang, 1976). Swingers are as normal as everybody else. The negative effects come into play when there is not good communication between spouses and/or when one partner is more invested in the lifestyle than the other. And yet, even though there can be negative effects associated with swinging, they can be combated with good communication skills, or even therapy or counseling. In the future I hope that more research is done on this sometimes marginalized group of people so that they no longer have to list "fear of discovery" as a reason why people drop out from swinging.

References

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