I am going to write a story one day at a time by adding new capsules to this one Hub. Now I understand this is not how Hubs work here but I’m going to keep it this way for I don’t want anyone to read one part of the story without knowing the rest of it. I hope that you will keep coming back to this one hub if you are interested and want to know more.

We'll see if it works this way just as well!

I don't really know what a hub is, or a blog, or any of this. I don't even know if I am doing this right. I'm totally clueless. We'll see, time will tell, and as anyone else who's ever started a blog, I just don't think anyone is ever going to read any of this.

Whatever... but if anyone does, let me just say that I will be dealing with a very controversial issue.

There are things that are universally wrong, and other things that are universally right. But the majority of things in life are neither or both. It all depends on the way you look at them.

Some people will end up hating me, some will feel sorry for me, some will try to help or redeem me. I am not looking for any support, or understanding, any sympathy or hate but I am well aware that I will be getting all of this, and even more.

Fair enough. What I am really trying to do is find a way out of this trap, for as my title says, I am the other woman.

So here I am again. I thought I would not withstand day one and give it all up. Most of all I thought I would be writing to the cosmic void, but it turns out I already have a fan. I have mixed feelings about it though. Wouldn’t it be easier to write to the cosmic void? Hum…

The thing the I love the most about life is that we are all different from one another. We may be doing the same things but for totally different reasons. Some people take whatever they want because it pleases them. Some others believe that life is all about sacrifice and duty. I’ve always believed that everyone is entitled to do whatever he or she pleases with life, as long as no laws are broken.

There are some who will never be fit to commit to one person only, and others who are absolutely and rightfully convinced that they could never have an affair with a married person, or would never be able to cheat on his/her spouse. And there is everything in between.

Let me just say that, no matter how strong your love and beliefs are, no one is ever immune to a new love. And don’t be fooled  by thinking that one can always walk away from it before it’s too late, for whatever that means. You don’t always have freewill when the heart gets in the way.

So where do I stand? As with many questions, the answer can change over time, depending on the circumstances and lessons learned. I have been absolutely and rightfully convinced that married men would be somewhat invisible to me, period. I have been absolutely and rightfully convinced that I could never cheat. I’ve always played by the rules, and I still believe that a clean conscience is a priceless asset.

I have been absolutely and rightfully convinced that I was in love with the man I married, that I would grow old with him, and that our family would withstand the tests of life and time. I strongly believe in commitment and I am well aware that it requires effort, perseverance, love, sacrifice and compromise to make things work.

I have been absolutely and rightfully convinced that I would always find the strength to walk away from any situation that brings about pain and distress, to me or to anyone else. I’ve always tried very hard to do the right thing.

And as much as I still believe in all of the above, how is it that I’m standing where I am today?

Let me begin today by saying that I have made up my mind about the Fan thing. I do like the fact that I have fans and that I am not really writing to the cosmic void! For as much as I am a loner, the cosmic void is just too lonely and too much to handle. So thank you dear Fans, and let’s go back to my story.

Given that it is something you absolutely don’t want to get yourself into, how does it all begin indeed? How is it that when you figure out what you’ve gotten yourself into it’s just too late to walk away? You might picture it all begins with some very easily and clearly identifiable signals. And it does work that way when you’re just looking for the thrill of a forbidden and casual adventure. But most of the times you’re just not looking for any of that, or anything at all.

Most of the times you’re just out there dealing with your everyday life, and your everyday routine, your everyday emergencies and your everyday job. And while you do all that you just run into different people, and share to a certain extent with all of them. And in the process of living your life to the fullest, you just can’t avoid the fact that it implies meeting new people every day, and eventually building new relationships that are based on mutual trust and understanding, on friendship and caring.

Would anyone ever turn down the possibility of making new Friends? I don’t mean acquaintances, I mean Friends with a capital F! Now that is one very powerful magnet, and once again no one is immune to its attracting force.

Yesterday I have been asked by one of you to answer this question: Top 5 Reasons a Man Cheats on his Wife - as simple as that. I’m the other woman, I should know the answer right? A simple question that does not have a simple answer though. I said I could only tell the reasons why the men I know cheated on their wives. And I will tell all of that and more here, in due time. As I’m sure that many can and will relate to my story, always, always keep in mind this story is mine and mine only.

I also said I can tell reason number one a man cheats; and that is because he falls in love. Now I know this is what you don’t want to hear, and I got a negative vote! No surprise.

Others wrote things like “he is too childish to understand his commitment…”, or “Mid life Crisis on behalf of the man”, or also and this is my favorite “moron, moron, moron.......what other word can I use oh moronic brain dead moron!” and got all the positive votes of course.

Most people would rather think of me, the other woman, as a selfish, heartless, indecent, inconsiderate bitch who has no respect for herself and sure does not know anything about family ties and commitment, and is all about casual sex. And of the poor husband as a weak childish moron who’s just too fool to risk everything he holds dear for a breathtaking pair of legs.

And in so thinking you are just missing a major point here, which is…. I’ll tell you tomorrow for this has gotten too long today!

I am a very straightforward person. I try my best to show my real self in any situation. I can handle everything as long as it is the truth. It takes time to get to fully understand the concept, but once people grasp it, then they start telling me what really goes through their mind and heart.

I am also down to hearth and smart enough to have never ever thought that my man – and yes he has been mine in many ways – could possibly leave his wife. This thought never crosses the mind of the “other woman”. I see people debating the issue on the hub and it just makes me smile, because once again you are all missing the point.

At the beginning a man would tell you anything you want to hear to get what he wants from you, for men know very well what women want. What he wants from you is just sex at the beginning, of course. But just as you don’t know what you are getting yourself into, neither does he. The possibilities are many, from the “Fatal Attraction” scenario to a love so strong that ends up breaking all other ties. And then of course there is everything in between.

One thing you should know though is that a man who has an affair knows everything about commitment. Not only that. He is also a very committed man, committed to his wife, to his kids, and to his family. His commitment is much stronger than his love and there is no competing with it. Trust me on this, I know for I have seen it all, heard it all, and experienced it all. And I know this will sound insane, but this is what made me fall in the first place.

It has been a week on the Hub today. So far so good.

I will have to take back something I said yesterday for it was somehow incorrect. I said he has been mine in many ways. Allow me to contradict myself. The life of the other woman is full of contradictions and one big contradiction itself after all. It is heaven and hell. Delirious happiness and excruciating pain. Absolute pragmatism and overwhelming romanticism. It is having it all and having nothing at all. It is impossible to handle and yet impossible to give up. It can lead a sane person on the verge of insanity as well as the insane to the blessing of wisdom.

There is no such thing as my man. There is no such thing as your man either. People don’t belong to one another. The concept itself is preposterous, even obscene. Not even our kids belong to us. They belong to themselves just like anybody else. It is our right and primary responsibility to guide them, support them, protect them, and to allow them the freedom to become their own person. But it is never in our right to make decisions in their place, or in anyone else's place.

Meaningful relationships do entail strong feelings of belonging indeed. So the correct way to put it is that he belonged with me and I belonged with him in many ways. We did belong together; we still belong together even though we are now apart, but yet together still. So much like Walt Whitman’s poem “Out of the rolling ocean the crowd”

Out of the rolling ocean the crowd came a drop gently to me,
Whispering I love you, before long I die,
I have travel'd a long way merely to look on you to touch you,
For I could not die till I once look'd on you,
For I fear'd I might afterward lose you.

Now we have met, we have look'd, we are safe,
Return in peace to the ocean my love,
I too am part of that ocean my love, we are not so much separated,
Behold the great rondure, the cohesion of all, how perfect!
But as for me, for you, the irresistible sea is to separate us,
As for an hour carrying us diverse, yet cannot carry us diverse
forever;
Be not impatient - a little space - know you I salute the air, the
ocean and the land,
Every day at sundown for your dear sake my love.

No time, no place, no chance for us. “The world has only one sweet moment set aside for us” Yet we still belong together for “forever is our today”.

Now that was from a Queen’s song. I am getting too melodramatic today so I guess it is time we part.

At one point in my life, not so long ago, I have been very much like that Andy in The Devil Wears Prada. Andy is very smart and she knows. She is also very beautiful but she doesn’t know. Or maybe she just does not care. She does not know how to do her hair and she wears horrible cheap clothes. And her shoes! I am sure you don’t remember anything about her shoes! Thank goodness our memory is selective and tends to forget certain details. She has no sense of style and she thinks she does not need it. Then one day her friend Nigel at work shows her the classy woman she really is. Same Andy, new clothes. She gets carried away at some point. But in the end she figures out the borderline that separates vanity from developing a sense of style and self esteem.

I was never much aware of being who I am in a number of ways, with the exception of the smart part (I admit it! I'm a nerd! I have always had straight As all through high school, college and grad school). Until one of my girlfriends showed it to me.

She helped me find my own style and then she made me aware of the fact that all men turn their head as I pass them by. ALL OF THEM. I have come to realize that I am actually very good looking. I am also very smart. I am an educated person and a very classy woman. I am very shy and reserved and I don’t make friends that easily. Once you get to know me you’ll find that I am very sociable and witty indeed. Once you gain my trust and friendship there is nothing I would not do for you. Once we become friends you are not going to want to let me go. In one word I am insufferable!

Boy isn’t she self-righteous! You may be thinking now. Consider this though; self-conceit versus self-awareness. What's wrong with saying "I am beautiful" or "I'm smart" when it is a fact that you are. You all should try very hard to find the beauty that makes you who you are and let it shine through. It is neither being vain nor self- righteous. It is self awareness that eventually leads to self-esteem. Now why am I saying all this? What does this have to do with the “other” woman issue? Why am I bragging so much about myself to the extent that I might lose some of you in the process?

Well this is all part of the process of becoming the "other" woman. How? The point is this, plain and simple. Men hit on me all the time. I keep them at a safe distance especially when I know they are married. At times I have to interact with them on a regular basis because we work together. At times we become Friends and joke about it. At times we become Friends first and they start hitting on me afterward. Now that can be very tricky! At times they can be so sexy, so smart, so charming that it takes a great effort to stay away from trouble. At times the sexy, smart, charming one is also one of your intimate and caring Friends. Oh you harbinger of trouble! You have the word catastrophe written all over you. But the focus of attention inevitably goes somewhere else. Danger! Danger! Danger! And yet you don’t get to see it until it’s too late.

I have made it too long today, I know. But it is a nice Sunday morning so I gather we all have a little extra time.

Being in love with someone who is unavailable can teach you a lot of things about being in love for real. You can learn a lot about yourself and about men in general, and the way to deal with them without going totally crazy. For let’s face it men do drive us nuts! You learn to let go of a lot of things, and the sooner you learn that the greater the chances that you are going to be truly happy with your man, and that he is going to be truly happy with you.

Number one, since you don’t have much time together you learn to make the most of it, sex included. Number two, since you know you will never really win him over you just don’t go out of your way to please him and pretend to be all that you think he wants you to be. You can be yourself and that can be very liberating. Number three, then of course, since he is not there to win you over he can be his real self. And that is definitely very liberating for him too. This eventually ends up making two people very close.

You learn to keep an open mind and let men be men. For instance you learn not to make such a big deal out of the fact that men like to look at other women. As Alanis Morissette puts it, and she is truly brilliant, you should not feel threatened by every pair of legs he watches go by. You should not cringe when he stares at women, it's just a thing called guy! You shouldn’t notice his side ways glances or where his loyalty lies. You should always feel secure and out of you he should never get a rise for such things.

For this is the way they are and we have to learn to accept them as men instead of trying to change them into women all the time. As a funny joke says around here the only way you can change a man is when he is in diapers!

All this I have learned by being the “other” woman as I used to be very possessive and very jealous myself. Anytime the man I was with turned to look at another woman I felt as if I was never beautiful enough. But the thing is that you could be the most beautiful woman on the planet and yet your man would still turn and look at the other ones. So the next time he stares at a woman’s butt just go ahead and do the same. Star staring at men’s butts! You will learn that some of them are really truly worthy indeed!

Blue, so very blue today. I was going to write about something entirely different today, but I feel so sad. This is one of the typical days of the life of the other woman. One of the countless days of melancholy. Yet it is not because of one of the many reasons that might be crossing your mind right now and that might seem so obvious. Top one of your list “she is sad because she can’t be with him”. Am I right? Well that is not the case as he has been here just now. He just walked into my office with a huge smile on his face, the kind of smile on the face of a kid that has done something wrong and is afraid to tell you, but he knows it’s best for him to do so right away because you are going to find out anyway.

It wasn’t any big deal though. He was just late, well extremely late as we had arranged to do some work together at four. And it was now five thirty. I pretended to be mad for the first say … 30 seconds, and then I just couldn’t help myself and told him that I had been busy with other things too. Which was actually true but I would have said it anyway.

He sat down and we chatted about him moving into his new home and how much he hates working around the house, and how he cannot even hit a single nail into the wall. I reminded him of how helpful he had been when I moved into my new apartment. He even went to Ikea with me, which is one place he hates going to and had actually never gone to before, and then insisted to assemble some of the furniture himself. That was when he was trying so hard to get me and I was trying so hard to resist him. And we just ended up having sex on my brand new kitchen table. So we were laughing as I was telling him he had been such a schemer. Until his smile just faded and he said he was not quite sure he liked me doing this writing thing.

He turned very serious and said he knew he would inevitably come out as the sordid one. I said he would never come out that way from my writing as I could not possibly write anything bad about him. He said he knew I wouldn’t but the point is that that’s how he feels. Sordid. He feels sordid. Because he is lying to his wife, and because he knows that even though I am tough he is shredding my heart to tatters and he is doing it with his eyes wide open. Yet he just can't get himself to end it. Of course we have been trying to end this from the very beginning. Each time we are together we swear it's going to be the last one. We've been saying this for over two years now.

I cried my heart out as I drove home this evening. I was hoping they would play my favorite song on the radio. But they didn’t.

Today is a nice sunny and crispy morning. I am getting ready to go to work and I am in a good mood again. I will have to go to two very important meetings; one that is going to be very long and very boring and is more about what I do everyday; and the other one which will be shorter and more interesting and is about one of the many special tasks I get assigned to every now and then, and that make my working life more fun. No room for the blue as I have allowed it more than enough time by now.

I am a big fan of Mitch Albom’s book Tuesdays with Morrie as I have learned so much from it. I do something that Morrie says we all should learn to do, and now that I have read about it I do it with more consciousness than before. I embrace life and feelings for good or worse, fully, totally, completely. It does not make any difference whether they are feelings of joy or sorrow. I sink into my emotions completely and let them penetrate deep down into my heart and soul with no fear.

As Morrie puts it “By throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then you can say ‘All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment’ “

No one should refrain from living life to the fullest out of fear. No one can outsmart pain for it will get you anyway eventually. If you try to avoid it you will only live life incomplete. Let the tears come, indulge into despair, cry your heart out, then take a deep breath and just move onto your new day.

It’s like running. Running can be painful and is actually painful, especially when you get started, or when you try to break your limits. It hurts like hell! But the runner keeps going because she knows it’s the only way to move on. For if you hold on and keep running, the pain only lasts for a while, and then you feel so much better as you go through that extra mile with a sense of achievement and satisfaction. It feels great in the end.

It takes a great deal of self discipline and a great deal of self control to be a runner. Runners learn to endure the pain and eventually overcome it. So beware of runners! They are the most persistent people in the world. I have a new busy day ahead of me, he is not going to be part of it, and it’s ok! I am a runner.

Today is nice and sunny again on this side of the planet, I am “meteorosensitive” and therefore in a good mood again. It‘s fanny though that when I am blue and melancholic I’d rather prefer it to be a rainy day. Today is going to be another super busy day as I came out of the “fun” meeting with an extra load of work to do. I’ve just ill-treated one the people I work with as he is lagging behind and I really need him to take some of the weight off my shoulders. Of course I felt terrible afterward.

So much about today. I need to go back several years to explain how certain things happen and how you can be unaware of everything for a very long time. When I got happily divorced, over ten years ago now, I moved with my two kids into a beautiful house I took for rent. The place was just gorgeous and perfect to my taste. If I were to build a new home I would have done it exactly like this one. My parents felt I should get a mortgage and buy my own place instead of paying a rent, and offered to put in the down payment. It took me a while to find a place that suited my taste as I was so much in love with this house and nothing could really measure up.

Then I found a house that was under construction and so I could have had it the way I liked it. It was a nice and sunny day of a few years ago, and I was discussing some of the changes I wanted from the original project with the constructor, outside in my new yard. There was this man next door in his new yard, discussing stuff with the construction people himself. He saw me there for the first time that day and even came up and introduced himself, not that I remember any of it except that it was nice and sunny.

I couldn’t tell you if he was aware in any way of what had just happened that day. I wasn’t. I can only say that years later, as he told me about that day, he could still say what I was wearing, and describe the gesture of my talking, and the way the wind blew in my hair. He was not looking for any trouble, neither was I. We were just busy with our own lives. We met that day, but neither of us would know for many years to come that lightning had been striking that very moment. And there is no way one can possibly avoid it.

I just got back from a nice party, thrown by I friend of mine here at work, who has finally gotten a well deserved promotion. I was expecting him to be there. But he wasn't and I haven't heard from him in over two days. But that's ok. The red wine was wonderful. Too bad for him he missed it.

What should I write about today. Well I don’t really have a plan on how to go about writing this story. When I started I thought I would write a few introductory considerations and then tell the whole story from the very beginning. But the story keeps going on and at times I feel more inclined to write about something that has just happened. The feeling is right there so vivid, so intense, that it is actually easier to capture on “virtual paper”. At times instead I feel inspired by comments that are posted or by related subjects I read about on the Hub.

I am intrigued by “The Other Man” saying he was thinking about writing his side of the story. That would be so interesting as I am sure it would provide a totally different perspective. Or maybe not. It would be even more interesting to hear my “Other man” part of the same story as there is one thing you never do when you are involved with a married person, a forbidden territory you never venture into. You do not talk about your feelings much, especially about the feelings you experience when apart from one another. It would be like skating on thin ice and just too much to handle. It would be so heartbreaking to be fully aware of such things, not that we don’t really know. But stating certain things loud and clear would really break us up as it would force us both to make a final decision. This is the reason why he will never read my posts. Not that he doesn’t already know how much it hurts sometime.

Today is nice and sunny again and I feel cool. I did get to see him yesterday as at one point he stormed into my office, sank into a chair for a brief moment and said a million things in a spit second. And then he took off, just like that. To make a long story short he is stressing out on this major project we are working on, and the bottom line is he does not have time for the work we have been planning to do together for over a week now. No big deal as I had it all done anyway for it was long overdue. And the whole thing was actually already in his mail-box.

I just got an e-mail from him saying he has no words to express his gratitude and would actually want to express his gratitude in a different way as the work is just perfectly done. I replied by saying he is one lucky guy and should love me if only for that, for I end up doing his part of the job all the time. He just wrote he has never said he doesn’t. I feel like crying now for this is exactly it. This is all you want to know and nothing else matters. Yet you don’t want to hear it as it is too much to handle. This kind of love can fill your heart with overwhelming joy and break it into a million pieces the very same moment. It is best when left unsaid.

Two weeks on the Hub now and enjoying it a lot. I had no idea that writing could be so soothing. To be honest I did not think I could really keep it up for 365 days. Now I am sure I will so you’re going to be stuck with me for a long time to come.

This one goes to the “Other Man”. I know you have mixed feelings about writing your own story. I know you are very discreet and private, so am I. One of the most horrible facets of having an affair though is that you can never tell anyone. Whereas when you are in love you wish you could tell the world. You can’t always be cool and pretend that nothing is really going on. So at times you are either very sad or very happy and it does show on your face eventually. Your friends notice of course and they ask why is it that you are so blue or so radiant. All you do is look them in the eyes and remain silent. What else could you possibly do.

It is a mellow Saturday morning on this side of the planet. Rather hazy and looks like it is going to be cold. I’m in bed enjoying a nice warm cup of coffee which makes me feel safe and secure. Now that is reason number one I sometime wish I had someone to wake beside me in the morning. I could have him get out of bed, make the coffee for me and bring it here, while I could stay in bed all along and get out of it only AFTER my coffee. So if you’re one of those lucky people who gets to have coffee in bed on a Saturday morning count your blessings and don’t take it for granted. Make sure you show your gratitude to the person who brings it to you for what you’re enjoying is a rather unique privilege.

I’m always rather melancholic on Saturday mornings as I always miss him so much and not just for the coffee thing. I gather it’s because I don’t have to get up early, drag the kids out of bed , fix breakfast for everyone and clean up afterward, take a shower, do my hair, dress up like a supermodel, drive the kids to school, rush to work most of the times to an early morning meeting I am usually late for. Why would anyone want to hold a meeting so early in the morning I wonder, when they know perfectly well that the majority of us will have to go out of their way to try to make it on time and usually fail to. Now that is sheer cruelty!

The point I’m trying to make though is that when you wake up and have your coffee while doing a bunch of other things, that just does not leave much room for anything else. When you have your hands full you don’t always realize how much you actually miss a person. I am usually super busy thank goodness. But when I’m not I have developed many ways to fill up the void, ways to make life always very savoring and interesting. One of the many things in the survival kit of the “other” woman and that should be in the survival kit of everyone indeed.

You’ll know more about it tomorrow though because I’m running late again and I have to go running. Enjoy your Saturday and if you have never experienced it yet, get your spouse to bring you coffee while you’re still in bed. Then do the same for him or her. Begin your day this way and you’ll see that even the bad things in your life will seem a little less bad.

Yesterday I stumbled across a related blog on the internet “The life and times of the other woman” and it was all about grief and pain, despair and solitude, madness and the cosmic void. This woman makes her life revolve around her affair with the unavailable man, and even worse she measures her worth to him, to herself and in general, by the time he gets to devote to her. Big mistake! Huge! I’ve already stated my point on self worth and self esteem, one thing that certainly never depends on the amount of time you are allowed with your man.

I won’t deny the fact that this kind of relationship brings about a lot of pain and distress, and as much as you do wish you had never gotten yourself into such mess, still there is a lot more to it than just the sad part. True, your moments of happiness are brief and concentrated in tiny drops of time, but they are such perfect moments, so juicy, so intense that they can actually be much more significant than an entire life of average happiness. For whatever that means.

Life should always be about many things indeed. The more the better. The only thing we should and we do make life revolve around is our kids. Even so you still need to have all the rest. A friend of mine just lost her 19 year old only daughter in a car accident this past May. Now that's a a tragedy. My mother heart was literally pulverized and I cried every single day for over two months. The pain I felt was so strong that I just dare not imagine her own. Her life has not ended though, and as much as I am sure she has considered committing suicide (I would have) she hasn’t and she still comes to work every day looking absolutely gorgeous.

We usually think of the divine as something that is inexplicable, mysterious, revealed only to a few elected ones. If the divine were actually like this no one would ever be able to see it even if it were right before our eyes. Yet the divine is always right before our eyes and still we don’t get to see it. The concept has been masterfully explained in my all time favorite movie “ Meet Joe Black”. The divine Brad Pitt (and yes! He sure is part of the divine as I see it) plays the unusual role of a rather unusual divinity as he is the Angel of Death discovering the divine in life for the first time in his eternal existence.

He smells everything, savors everything he eats, sips the wine with unusual intensity, enjoys other people conversations, looks at everything with wonder, and goes crazy for peanut butter! He falls in love with the things in life that we tend to take for granted. The colors, the music, the scents, the tastes, the beauty of it all. He falls in love with a woman as well and gets to discover the pleasures of sex, the most ecstatic of all physical and spiritual experiences indeed. But just before departing from it all his last wish is not for one of Susan’s kisses. He asks for peanut butter and the tears finally come when he gets to see the fireworks. Now that’s life! What can I tell you.

I am going to bake chocolate cake today for it tastes yummy and makes my home smell so good. He won’t be here to enjoy it and that’s ok. The cake is going to taste and smell just as good! Make sure you enjoy the sunset today, whether you are alone or have company. The sunset is truly amazing either ways.

I have been a single parent for over ten years now. I also have a full time job which sometimes keeps me in the office for over 12 hours. Thank goodness I have had a wonderful vice mom to help me raise my two kids. Someone I would have paid a hundred times more if I could have afforded it. Someone who would have done it for free if she could have afforded it. A wonderful woman we will always love and consider part of our family. Now the kids are teenagers and don’t really need a babysitter anymore. My parents live a few blocks down the road and they are always available in case of emergency and actually take good care of us. Still I am always running around like a maniac to get to do all that I have to do every day. I am afraid that does not leave much room for anything else and when I have a moment to myself I go running of course.

I have tried only once to get serious with a guy but it was horrible. We all come with a past, and whenever you engage in a relationship you have to be willing to take the whole package. Now I understand that two kids and a former husband, who is also one of my best friends, can be a somewhat cumbersome package to deal with. Yet there are people who just have the pretension to wipe out all of your memories. Those people who are obsessed with former boyfriends or girlfriends. Those people who are jealous of your friends and tend to isolate you from the rest of the world. I could not really put up with something like that and the thing came to an end in no time.

Somehow though he had noticed something that would escape me for a long time to come. He had noticed the way my next door neighbor looked at me and that was the reason he always went out in the yard in his bathrobe or even with just a towel around his waist. My neighbor hated it, as he would tell me a year later, and somehow he knew it.

Even our vice mom had noticed as she told me several times. I've always laughed at her remarks and always told her she was wrong and that we were just becoming friends. You know, we happened to bump into one another at school, or at the grocery store, or even at the end of the day as we got back from work at the same time. Then we just lingered outside and chatted about anything. We discovered we had many things in common as we liked the same music, the same books, same favorite movies. He was a runner himself! The perfect guy at a not so perfect moment.

Our kids became friends eventually and I tried to become friends with his wife. She never liked me though and did nothing to hide it. I was ok with it as you can't always expect everyone to like you. I’ve never been rude to her though. I just stopped trying to become friends, that’s all. All this went on for over three years since the day he first saw me. We grew very fond of one another, and granted he was hot. But the thought of having an affair with him never crossed my mind once in all three years. Until one morning that I hadn’t gone to work as I was sick with the flu, and for some reason he hadn’t gone either. He was out in his yard wearing only a pair of shorts. Such a tease! He smiled and waved hello and I went inside and closed the window. Boy wasn’t he hot! I smiled to myself and went back to do whatever it was that I was doing.

I hit the gym this morning before going to work. How is it that in an empty locker room, with over 400 lockers and no one around, the person walking in right after you just feels the urge to get the locker next to the one you just picked so that you end up being on top of one another with your bags and clothes and towels and everything else? Does this happen to you too? I want to know, because it happens to me all the time! Whatever. Back to the facts.

Nothing really happened after lightning had been striking back. We just went on as friends for a few more months and I actually dismissed the “out in the yard with no shirt” accident. It was now August and the kids were on vacation with their father. My next door neighbors had been gone for a while too. I had a few more days of work then I would have gone on vacation myself. This year I had decided to go all by myself to a tropical island with just a couple of books, my favorite music, a few bathing suits and my running shoes of course. I was so worn out that I felt I needed a break from the world. I had decided to go to a place with no phones, no TV, no news, no driving, no cooking, no talking, no nothing. Given this scenario, what could have possibly happened you might be wondering.

Now I know that what I will tell next is going to sound so corny that you will actually find it hard to believe. One afternoon as I got back from work I noticed that my neighbors were back home, not that I cared. The next day I was trying to get my cat to come back to me as he was stuck in the tall grass outside. My next door neighbor saw me and he went to get it for me. Oh no! The corny cat situation! He handed the cat to me, we chatted outside for a while and he told me that his family had decided to stay on vacation for another week but he had to go back to work. Oh no! The corny “The Seven Year Itch” situation, although I am neither as beautiful nor as dumb as Marilyn Monroe, but I can actually play the piano! I also have a purple dress exactly like her white one that makes me look so beautiful indeed.

Well I wasn’t wearing that dress or anything like it the evening I was sitting outside in my yard reading Antoine de Saint-Exupéry “The Little Price” for the twentieth time when he came up to me and offered to share a Mojito . Oh no! The corny “can I offer you a drink” situation! Think! What’s wrong with having a drink outside where everyone in the neighborhood can actually see us? Nothing. Absolutely safe. I would love to have that Mojito with you. Wow.. he is such a hunk with his tan. Girl just make sure you don’t give him …you know .. THAT look.

Then as we were chitchatting he asked if I was ok with taking it inside. Sure no problem.

Wait!

What has he just asked?

What have you just said?

Oh no! I must have given him THAT look!

What are we doing here?

Why is he looking at me like that?

How did we get to the couch!

What the hell am I doing?

Kiss? Someone has actually used the word kiss?

Who has? I haven’t!

Think!

Not with him!

Never with him!

And the next thing I knew we were all over one another.

No more talking.

We’ll talk tomorrow ok?

Just leave, go home.

Sure, I’ll be here tomorrow.

Just take those two glasses and go now!

Please!

We ran into each other a few times today but then he called to say he won’t be going to lunch. Lunch is actually the only almost regular event in our relationship so I usually get very disappointed when he doesn’t get to go. We don’t go by ourselves though, we have our wild lunch bunch, a group of friends and colleagues here at work I always have a great time with. Obviously they don't know anything about us. Thank goodness they always crack me up, and even though I was rather sad today they were able to lift my spirit. They always are. I also ran into that one friend of mine who lost her daughter as I have said, and told her we should have lunch together sometime soon. She looked gorgeous as usual. Life should always be about many things.

So where were we? You are not going to believe this one either, but no, we did not go all the way that midsummer night. We were able to stop, pull ourselves together and tell one another we were being total fools. And then I asked him to leave. So he left in silence and I just sat there for some time unsuccessfully trying to gather my thoughts and feelings. And then I went to bed but could not get much sleep.

The following day I was really hoping not to run into him, but I did and he said he would stop by in the evening as we needed to talk. Time went by and he did not show up. I was somewhat relieved as I did not really want to go over the thing. I just wanted to “dismiss the accident” and get it over with. But then the doorbell rang and he showed up after all. We sat in my bedroom for many hours. He told me he had a crush on me since the first day he saw me, and that is how I know he could still tell what I was wearing that day. He told me that he had mixed feelings about it as he loved his wife very much. He told me he also cared deeply about me and that our friendship meant a lot to him. He told me he did not want to mess up my life, or his life, or anybody’s life . He told me he was grateful I was about to leave as it would have given us the time to detach from it all and go back to the way we had been up to the night before. He went on and talked for hours, and I just sat there and listened to him.

Then as he felt he had said all that he wanted to say we parted and I was finally able to get some sleep. His wife was going to be back the next day and they were going to have people over for dinner. I was fine with all of it. Somehow I also felt very sad so I bought a pint of chocolate ice cream and went through the whole thing while he was having dinner with his family and friends. It was late at night, life was back to normal, I was packing my small suitcase, and I freaked out as I realized there was someone in the backyard outside my bedroom. Somehow he had sneaked out while his guests were still there, had climbed over the fence and come to my bedroom just to steal one kiss. Just one! Gee what was he thinking? He said he knew that, after all he had said the night before, he was making a fool out of himself. He looked so hot yet so childish I just could not resist him, and gave him that kiss he so wanted to have. Now that was the very moment I finally gave in and really truly got into super major serious trouble.

Just one more kiss, one hasty kiss stolen in the middle of the night. How could a single kiss possibly cause all the harm that was going to come? Do you think you always know where one single kiss can lead to? What could possibly happen? We were just kissing, no big deal right? The kiss, the most powerful of all amorous interactions. Never underestimate its force, for nothing is ever more powerful, not even the most passionate and overwhelming intercourse. Do you remember the movie “Pretty Woman” and how Julia Roberts never wanted Richard Gere to kiss her? That is exactly the point. One single kiss and you are screwed. We were going to be big time, and we thought we knew what we were doing.

He kept coming back for one more kiss, and then another one, and another one still. That was totally insane. Just a few more days and I would have gone to my tropical island and the madness of that summer would have come to an end. We would finally part, detach from it all, put things into perspective and eventually just laugh about it in the fall. That’s what I thought when he kissed me apparently for the last time as he said he was going away with his family for the weekend and I was going to be gone the next day. It was finally over. I sighed with relief and went inside. I had a long day ahead of me as I was going to fly to the other side of the world, so I went to bed early that night. I was about to doze off in contentment as nothing had really happened when my cell phone rang.

I couldn’t believe my eyes as I saw his name on the display. It just couldn’t be! Did he really want to get caught? Imagine my surprise as I picked up and heard him say he was on his way home by himself, as he had cracked a tooth and rushed to the hospital where a doctor had temporarily treated it. Now it was too late to go back to his house in the country and he had used the excuse to come home alone. I know you don’t believe this one either. Once more it all sounds so corny, but I swear this is how we ended up in my bedroom again, we were not going to talk much this time and we both knew it.

I shivered as he took off my clothes and kept my eyes shut as he started to kiss me all over, so gentle, so sweet. And I wished I had kept my eyes closed all along, because when I finally looked at him all the magic of the moment suddenly vanished.. For some reason he reminded me so much of Kurt Cobain in the “Smells like teen spirit” video. Now this should not be what you think of when you make love to a great guy for the first time. I just can’t explain how the thought of Kurt Cobain happened to cross my mind, but it did! It was totally crazy as he didn’t look anything like him. Now that was an absolute turn off. My first time with him turned into my first time with the ghost of Kurt Cobain and it was a complete disaster. Don’t laugh! It’s not funny. The Kurt Cobain look still haunts me today!

This week is finally over. Thank goodness it’s Friday! I wish I had the strength to go out but I’m so tired I actually took an aspirin and got into bed with my computer. I promised I would write every day for 365 days, and once I make a promise I try my best not to break it. I need to remind to myself that I am writing in the attempt to break free from this relationship. On day 365 I wish I’ll be able to write THE END to it all. Today I was thinking about the fact that I am trying to find a new job for as much as I have a great position and I truly love my job, I’m underpaid and I’m rather fed up with it. I might be able to succeed in finding a new job, but what happens then? We wouldn’t be able to see much of each other for we are always so busy that we can go an entire week without bumping into one another even here at the office.

As Dr. Hannibal Lecter put it "We begin by coveting what we see every day. Don't you feel eyes moving over your body? And don't your eyes seek out the things you want? " And he was so damn right.

This week has been so busy for both of us that we were able to have lunch together only once. We ran into each other quite a few times today and he also came to my office for he needed my help with a few things, but I was busy with someone else and told him I would try and call him in the late afternoon, something I wasn’t able to do. So at one point he e-mailed me a bunch of stuff without a single word of explanation. And then he stormed into my office and demanded I helped him right away with this thing that was actually overdue. And as we were done he left, just like that. So typical of him. But wait! He owed me already and I was not going to let him go without claiming my reward. So this time it was I who stormed into his office and demanded his full attention right away, something he was more than happy and eager to give.

Why have you come in here looking so spectacular and expect me to be able to give you just one kiss and let you go. I’ve been wanting you so bad all day it hurts. Sex is very scarce indeed when you have an affair. Yet it’s the best sex one could possibly think of. It is hardly ever planned and so sudden, so hungry and so passionate that it leaves you breathless and totally fulfilled. The desire and craving for one another is so strong that you can actually touch it. You always do it as if it were the last time as every time could always be the last time indeed. There is ever no tomorrow in the life of the other woman although this time, as we parted, he said we should take a day off sometime soon and spend some more time together. Still it does not make any difference. There is ever no tomorrow.

Today as I woke up I had decided I was not going to miss him like I usually do on Saturdays. Today I had decide to go running and then to the gym, to the mall for some shopping and then out to dinner with a dear friend of mine. This is still the plan for the day but so far I have been sitting in bed with no coffe crying my heart out in despair. This has nothing to do with him though. It is actually one of the times I embrace life and everything that comes with it and let it all sink into my heart and stir my soul for the good or the bad. Today is bad, so painful, so heartbreaking.

This year my mother heart has been shattered by the sudden death of many young kids I knew. Marco was the first one to go. He was only 15. This is a song, although I haven’t been able to find the music to it yet. It is dedicated to all of them and to the one I just found out about today. Today this is all I will be thinking of and I won’t have much time to miss him at all.

Dying young – A song for Marco

The unbearable
Unconceivable
Its approach never revealed

Overwhelming
Fell the silence
On the cold wings of an Angel

The unbearable
Empty hollowness
I was left to contemplate

You the future
Unaccomplished
I the agonizing mother

I was left here with a death wish
So that I will never part with you…

And every time I looked at you
I saw my immortality
Now how am I supposed to close
The lid of your eternal grave

The unbearable
Unforeseeable
Fell upon us unexpected

You the future
Unaccomplished
Now the world's orphaned of you

I was left here with a death wish
So that I will never part with you…

And every time I looked at you
I saw the world shine in your eyes
And now I wish that I could  find
A way to trade your death with mine

And every time I looked at you
I saw my immortality
Now how am I supposed to close
The lid of your eternal grave

Now you’ve left me with a death wish
So that I will never part with you…

Yesterday I surfed the web for quite some time and read a few articles on extramarital affairs, often referred to as illegal affairs, and all I have read was so very cliché. I was rather amused at the numerous attempts of people who obviously know nothing about being the “other” woman and still had the pretension of telling the story from that particular perspective. I strongly believe that everyone is entitled to his or her own opinions, but I also believe that we should all try to be honest to ourselves and most of all to our readers and state things for what they are, as we can only give others nothing more than our own perspective. I have already stated that there are countless different scenarios and countless different stories and that this one here is just my story. This means that what I have read is also true, but it is certainly not all there is to it.

It takes a lot of guts to take a hard look at such a relationship from within. The majority of us are women who fall in love with a man who happens to be married. Most women do not set out to break up a marriage. As I have previously said the “other” woman knows very well where her man loyalty lies and who he is truly committed to. Being in love with someone who is unavailable can teach you al lot about being in love for real. I have never heard anyone explain it so perfectly as Alanis Morissette has in one of her songs, although I’m sure she has not meant to tell such stories, so I am just going to let her explain it. I was going to write just a few passages out of this song, but I think it’s worth reading the whole thing. Here it is, the way I love this man, and the way many of the “other” women learn to love their men.

True, these stories do come to an end one way or the other, and more than that I do want it to come to an end indeed as I would end it right now if I only knew how. But then again everything comes to an end eventually.

You Owe Me Nothing In Return

I'll give you countless amounts of outright
Acceptance if you want it. I will give you
Encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it.

You can speak of anger and doubts,
Your fears and freak-outs and I'll hold it.
You can share your so-called
Shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won't judge it.

And there are no strings attached to it
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give.
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have.
I give you thanks for receiving, it's my privilege,
And you owe me nothing in return.

You can ask for space for yourself
And only yourself and I'll grant it.
You can ask for freedom as well
Or time to travel and you'll have it.

You can ask to live by yourself
Or love someone else and I'll support it.
You can ask for anything you want
Anything at all and I'll understand it.

And there are no strings attached to it
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give.
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have.
I give you thanks for receiving, it's my privilege,
And you owe me nothing in return.

I bet you're wondering when
The next payback shoe will eventually drop.
I bet you're wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up.
I bet you're wondering how far you now have danced your way back into debt.

This is the only kind of love
As I understand it
That there really is.

You can express your deepest of truths
Even if it means I'll lose you and I'll hear it.
You can fall into the abyss
On the way to your bliss
I'll empathize with.
You can say that you'll have to skip town
To chase your passion and I'll hear it.
You can even hit rock bottom have a mid-life crisis and I'll hold it.

And there are no strings attached to it
You owe me nothing' for giving the love that I give.
You owe me nothing' for caring the way that I have.
I give you thanks for receiving, it's my privilege,
And you owe me nothing in return.

You owe me nothing' for giving the love that I give.
You owe me nothing' for caring the way that I have.
I give you thanks for receiving, it's my privilege,
And you owe me nothing in return.

Monday morning, a new day, a new week and I always like the new beginning. The first day of the week is always full of hope and anticipation. I always read my horoscope even though I don’t believe any of it. It’s a new day and I’m flying out there, a great day and I’m singing on my way to work. Today is special also because, after some twenty years of doubt and reflection, I have finally made up my mind and going to my first singing class. I just love to sing. I can sing in tune but don’t know how to use my voice, how to breathe properly and make it come out thick and strong. If you are not naturally gifted with a strong voice I know you can always learn unless you are absolutely totally tone-deaf, which luckily I’m not.

We just talked over the phone and I don’t think we will have lunch together. Today he will carefully avoid running into one another, I know. He just passed by my office and my door was open, but he hasn't even stopped to say goodmorning. Every time we make love, or I should say every time we have sex for the L word is taboo for us, I always need to cling to it just a little longer whereas he needs to detach right away. He has told me it’s part of his survival strategy, and I believe him because it makes a lot of sense. He feels that if we clinch to it a little longer then it all goes in too deep and he won’t be able to let it go. And he needs to let go because he has to go home and act as if nothing has ever happened.

It is all part of the precarious equilibrium of our relationship. One of the many tricks of the light we need to use in order to remain sane. One of the many lies we need to tell so that we don’t get swept away. But the truth is it all goes in very deeply for both of us and we both know, so deep we are actually able to hide it for good. But it stays there, somewhere in our heart, and we can always unlock it and treasure the memory of the perfect moment, when we’re apart, somewhere alone and the world just can’t see us. I know he does that sometime when it’s late at night and he has trouble sleeping. I also know he has trouble sleeping every night. Then I lie awake in my bed alone thinking of him thinking about us.

Well I did not get to go to my first singing class yesterday. I have been procrastinating for over 20 years now so I thought that just a few more days were not going to hurt anyone after all. I had too much work to do and I felt I would never make it on time anyway. So I just didn’t go, and to be totally honest this is all just one big fat lie. I didn’t go because I felt too sad, plain and simple. I always try to sound cool and casual about my situation but the truth is I am heartbroken. I knew very well he would act like he had all day. He does that all the time, and I do understand his reasons but my heart breaks nevertheless. It hurts when he pulls away and actually gets to restore a safe distance between the two of us. He is much smarter than I am.

I really wanted to be able not to make such a big deal out of it for a change, and I had set out to stay cheerful and happy. But the moment he walked by my office without saying a word I felt miserable and broke down. I even wrote an e-mail saying how rude he can actually be sometimes. So he came back to my office saying he was “accidentally” passing by and just wanted to say hello, but would not stick around for lunch. He was teasing me of course, and I just love the way he smiles. I couldn’t possibly stay mad at him, but I was mad at myself for the entire day. Still am actually.

It’s like when you watch a movie you have seen many times so you know perfectly well what’s going to happen next, but you still wish that for just one time things could be different. I know it’s crazy. To me it’s the Disney’s movies as I have seen them over and over again with my kids. Yet every time I just hope that Snow White would refrain from biting the apple, or that Cinderella stepsisters would not tear up her dress so that she gets to go to the ball with them, or that Ariel could just kiss Eric in the Laguna and get it over with, and that Li Shang would forgive Mulan and let her stay with his army, so that all the trouble and hassle that has to come can be avoided, and they can live happily ever after. All these tales do come to a happy ending indeed. This one here does not stand a chance, I am perfectly aware of it, still I can’t get myself to end it. Enough of it though. I need to detach from this particular moment so tomorrow I will go back to summer time and let you know how silly I was back then. I know! I’m a hopeless case, what can I tell you.

A few years ago I used to keep one of those MOLESKINE black booklets where I used to record things that happened to me and that I knew would fade fast. Feelings that I experienced and that would vanish in a blink of an eye. Anything that I felt would never stand the test of time and wouldn’t last long enough to make any major difference in my life. I looked for it the other day because I knew I had written something about that particular summer, and I wanted to see what it was so that I could write down something “fresh”, something about the way I felt back then. It’s been quite a while now, but the thing is I haven’t forgotten anything at all.

Still I was very amused by the things that I wrote back then, and it cracked me up to discover how totally stupid I had been. When you look at things in retrospective you always see them for what they really are. I tend to romanticize and read too much into things, something I was already aware of. This is what I wrote the day after that one night we spent in my room just talking. Please don’t laugh too hard now. And no! I don’t mind if you throw up.

“Sometimes I feel I romanticize things too much, or that I just read too much into things. But no! Not this time. I don’t think I’m wrong this time. The point is it would not make much of a difference. Would it? I’ve always felt that my soul mate would be someone who feels about music the way I do… He put on “The Piano” CD this morning. We haven’t had sex last night. None of us wanted it. We both wanted something entirely different. We shared a true moment of mutual caring, sharing, talking, and understanding. He gave me the honor and privilege to look into his soul and cared enough to want to see mine. He is interested in me, the real me and not just my body.”

And then we had sex the next day of course! No surprise he put on The Piano either. He had known me for over three years. We were friends and he knew very well how I felt about music. He knew my favorite books, movies, color, football team. You name it, he knew it. He knew everything about me. So he also knew how to impress me and how to seduce me. What was I thinking!

Today I'm sick with the flu, I'm stuck in bed, and I can't think straight. Now since I rave already when I'm fine, I feel I should really spare you today. I promised I would write every day, so as short as this post can be I haven't really broken my promise yet.

Happy Thanksgiving

Tomorrow I will be meeting one of my old friends from college that I haven’t seen in over 15 years. Yet I am so excited and I know that when we meet tomorrow we will feel as if we had last seen each other only a few days ago. As Richard Back says in his novel “Illusions” Don't be dismayed at good-byes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends.

I’ve always loved this quote but I never really believed it was true until Facebook proved me wrong, as I was able to find and to be found by many of the friends I thought I had left behind for good. This discovery cheered me up because as you might have understood by now, the man in the tale of the past is someone entirely different from the man I’m seeing these days. I admit it! I'm hopeless! I've done it twice!

As much as you do not recognize the signs of the disastrous tragedy you’re getting yourself into the first time, you are able to detect even the most subtle and ephemeral sign of it the second time around. And yet you end up creating the same mess you've gotten yourself into in the past. But then again how do you tell your heart not to fall in love? Falling in love is never affected by any contingent situation regarding you or the other person. Falling in love never depends on the other person loving you back either. You fall in love with someone for what he is period, and not for what he can be to you. I 've gotten carried away as this is not what I wanted to talk about today.

What I wanted to say is that I had to leave behind the man I have loved the most in my entire life, and I know that at some point I will have to let go of the man I am in love with right now. There is no other way and I am perfectly aware of it now. Back then, on my way to my tropical island, I just had no idea.

By writing about it I hope I can work my way out of both situations, as when I write I strive to detach from it all so that I can attempt to see things with a little more perspective. As an outside spectator of my own life perhaps I will be able to see what you find the obvious, and yet it escapes me still. I know you are all probably thinking: “Can’t she see?” Well I am afraid I can’t.

“The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.” I just need to learn to see the butterfly.

It’s Saturday again and I have been in a good mood all day. It is a known fact by now that I usually wake up on a Saturday thinking about him while having coffee in bed. It just occurred to me that this Saturday morning has been different. I actually haven’t thought of him at all. I got up rather late. I dragged myself to the kitchen and made some coffee, pondering over the fact that I might want to remarry one day only to be able to have someone to bring me coffee in bed. It’s a known fact by now that I do that every Saturday morning as well. Then I indulged in bed with my cup of coffee for a little longer thinking about the old friend from college I was about to meet.

It had been raining all morning, but by the time I was able to set off the sky was clearing up and the sun was nice and warm again. Perfect day for going out to lunch with friends! As I was headed downtown and moving slow with traffic he drove by going my opposite direction. I can never miss him as he is the only one around driving a white BMW X1, whereas everyone else has either a black or a grey one. He was not moving so slow but as he passed me by he turned and we looked at one another. I don’t think he saw me at all though. My heart skipped a beat as it always does every time I see him. He looked so much like a kid, and I was happy to see him smile as we had parted the day before with him being rather upset about work and having to go to the theater to see Shakespeare, something he hates doing. So I took him by surprise and kissed him in the elevator, and nearly gave him a heart attack.

Then the traffic moved and as I drove off the thought of him just faded as fast as the glimpse we got of one another, and I was happy again. Nice day, lots of walking, lots of laughter, good food and a Guinness, something I had not had in a while. And all those memories about our days in college! Those were the best days of my life! As I drove home somehow the thought of him mischievously sneaked into my car and floated over my head for quite some time. And as much as I tried to shut it out, it just lingered there and actually began to stick to my heart and soul. I hate when that happens. The harder I fight it off the stronger it clinches to me.

But then the Divine answered my call for, as I logged in to my Facebook, I found that one of my friends had posted one of the music videos that always cracks me up and puts me in such a good mood. A total morale booster. There it is! It's an awesome cover of the more popular one by Rihanna. These guys are just great and you can actually feel that they are having so much fun doing this! Thank goodness life is always much more than who we are.

Now back to the summer. I went through my MOLESKINE booklet once again, and once again I laughed to tears. What amuses me the most is the fact that back then I was truly convinced that I had everything under control and that I knew what I was dealing with. I need to give myself a break on this one though, as I had been on top of everything for the longest time all by myself. I have always been in charge of my own life, and still am these day, even though I don’t always sound so secure.

Back then I had lost it all in a blink of an eye and it would take me an incredible amount of time to become aware of it. The black booklet says it all as the day I took off and was sitting in an airport lounge, waiting to board on a plane that would take me far away from it all, and most of all so far away from life as I knew it, I did write something in it. The proof that I had absolutely no idea of what I was doing is that there isn’t one single sentence of what I wrote that makes sense. It is all broken sentences and scattered words and I know that back then I thought I was making a lot of sense as I recall very vividly everything about those moments in the airport lounge.

I remember going into this cute little bookstore to buy a new MOLESKINE because I did not want to use the one I already had as I felt this particular story would be very different from any other one, and would sure deserve to have a dedicated booklet. In the attempt to give a little more perspective to what I am trying to say, allow me once more to write down some of the very few sentences that did make sense, but would take on an entirely different meaning as the true story unfolded. I know now, but I couldn’t have know back then.

“So this is it. I start writing this story the very day I fly away from it” Ok, that was good. I was aware of the fact that there was going to be a story. Yet what was going to come was not going to be anything that I could possibly fancy in my wildest dreams.

“I feel this story is going to be so special it’s worth telling in a separate book” You have no idea!

“I could only find this big MOLESKINE so maybe it’s going to be a long story after all” Once again, you have no idea!

“So here I go again on my own, with my heart full of hope and fear, but no expectations at all” True. I’ve always been smart enough never to fool myself on this. No expectations ever, although at some point I would be swept away completely.

And then this one, that I had read somewhere but I can’t recall where it came from “Worrying too much about the future robs you of the present moment”. What if there is no tomorrow? What would you do differently then? With everything that has happened and all that I know now, still I would do it all over again.

It’s been a month on HubPages now. Has this made any difference so far?

Let’s see. Well, first and foremost I have discovered that I like writing. Then since I don’t know any of my readers my writing is totally unbiased. If I were to tell lies about any of this I would only be fooling myself and nobody else. I enjoy going over my posts as it gives me an insight onto what is it that makes me happy and what is it that makes me sad. I don’t know if this is just a coincidence but I seem happier the days I don’t get to see him.

Today for instance I did get to see him quite a lot as we had work to do together. Or I should say there was work that I ended up doing for him. It ends up like that all the time and I just can’t help myself. Our boss knows who’s doing what and I get the due credit. He also says he is one lucky guy and that he does not care who gets to do what as long as we meet our deadlines and the work is well done. We have different skills and usually when I take on some of his work it’s because I’m better than him and also way faster. He thinks he’s privileged in that regard but the truth is I do it for other people as well. Still I like him to believe he gets a special treatment. Eventually he will find out he doesn’t!

Today I‘ve been sad and melancholic for some reason. I know it has something to do with him but I can’t quite say what it is. Now that I’m doing my writing therapy I feel better already. I am starting to believe that maybe all this writing can actually help me come around somehow. Today as we were done with work, once again he said we should take a day off. I liked the idea but was not so very thrilled as I would have been a while ago. The thought of “claiming my reward” as I had done in the past just did not cross my mind at all today. We are not having lunch that often and to tell you the truth I don’t miss it that much either. Is it possible that I’m getting tired and letting go of him? Is this Hub Therapy working wonders already?

So I did figure it out. I know what it was that upset me yesterday. It took me a while and it hit me this morning at the gym for I went there before going to the office in an attempt to work some of the blue off. You might have noticed that there is a pattern in his behavior that I tend to write about every time I talk about us at work. He storms into my office, sits there for a moment that is always too brief, goes off on a tangent and says how stressed out he is with all his work, and never takes off without leaving a heavy load of work on my desk, something that we should do together but he knows for sure that I will get done by myself.

All this can actually be very annoying but it does not bother me much. I know that it may sound so much like a scheme to get me to do more than I should on this project, but he actually has to put up with a lot of crap as this particular project is very complex, involves a lot of people and not everyone gets to do things in due time. Yet meeting the agreed upon deadlines is a must and if something goes wrong he gets the blame as he is the Project Manager. I should only be responsible for Quality Assurance, but somehow I ended up being in charge of all project planning and control reporting.

He pushed it too far yesterday though and this is the whole story. He had a meeting with the project steering committee today and we had to prepare some slides for it. He was not quite sure what was expected of him so he arranged an early meeting with one of the members of the committee to get some direction, and of course dragged me to it. Since I am much smarter than he is, even though you might think otherwise, I had prepared most of the work already and the whole meeting ended up with me and this guy going over a few details and him just listening to us. We then arranged to meet in the afternoon as I needed his support with some cost calculation and the like.

By the time we met in my office I had it all figured out on a spreadsheet already. I just needed him to double check some data and actually agree with the way I had worked things out, which of course he did. So basically all that he had to do was just provide the latest cost estimates on a few things. And as he sat with me for no more than 15 minutes he just kept sighing with impatience instead of smiling with gratitude. And as we were done he seemed so relieved as if I had been torturing instead of helping him. We did joke about it yesterday but as a matter of fact he actually really pissed me off.

I feel sometimes he takes advantage of the fact that we are friends, and that is something that actually bothers me when it is about work. Since he tries so hard to stay detached he might as well stay detached when work is involved and not the other way around. So we had lunch together today, just the two of us this time and I had decided to tell him how I felt. But then nothing went as I had planned. We had a long conversation but nothing like I had expected it to be. I’ll tell tomorrow though, but the bottom line is that my writing therapy has not worked any wonders yet, unfortunately.

So cold these days. Well there he was right in front of me as I was ready to strike but I hesitated a little too long and he went off and told me all the hassle he was going through with selling his home and buying a new one, and then all his problems at work and how everyone was upset for something that was not even his fault. So I started feeling sorry for him and had almost decided not to tell him anything. But then I said wait! Why should it always be me to set problems aside and pretend that everything was ok? I don’t think so. Not this time, if only for the sake of our friendship. I just did not want to resent him and I felt that if we hadn’t talked things out I would have. So I just dropped the bomb and he looked so very disconsolate afterwards that I almost regretted telling him.

He sat pensive and sad for some time and then he said he did not mean to be rude or hurt my feelings in any way. He is just under a lot of pressure these days, and while he has to be polite with everyone else and pretend that everything is ok, with me he can release some of the tension and get to show his true feelings. Now I’m not quite sure I Iike this thing though. What does this all sound like? What does it remind me of? But I just couldn’t stay mad at him for much longer and we walked back to the office chitchatting and laughing all the way. And then we spilt.

Bottom line number one; today we worked together for almost two hours. He wasn’t thrilled but was not annoyed either and was actually very cooperative, way more than the usual.

Bottom line number two; well maybe all this writing is working some tiny little wonder already as I feel I need to be by myself now and don’t really want to spend much time with him. I need distance, I need quiet, I need to rest and somehow he is stressing me out. I’m better off alone although I bet he’ll get clingy now.

I’ve been panicking all day today and I can’t think straight because as I went to withdraw some cash from a teller machine I just couldn’t remember my PIN, and I’ve been using it for over five years now. What’s wrong with me?

Then I realized my cell phone was off, and I never switch it off. It had gone dead somehow and I thought it odd as I had recharged it the night before. As I switched it on I found out that he had tried to call me earlier in the morning. So I called back and he came down to my office. He told me he wanted to come to my place and spend this gloomy and rainy day in bed with me. He could not reach me though. I knew he would get clingy, and my phone never goes dead. It must be a sign that I need to hold on to my resolution and stay away from him. To be totally honest though I wished I could have answered his call.

So I did try very hard to stick to my resolution and actually stayed away, I swear I did, but he would't not let me. He dropped by my office a few times, then we had lunch together just the two of us as our lunch wild bunch was busy with other things, and he was so charming, so talkative, so nice that I really had to make a great effort to stay away, still I did. I’ve been in an out of a number of meetings today that actually kept me pretty busy, but then as I got back to my office I found all those cute e-mails and I could not help writing something back.

I tried to stay casual and told him something about a lady here at work we both can’t stand who was in one of my many meetings, unfortunately I must add, and acting so ridiculously stupid. So at one point he said I should go over to his office to do some talking instead of exchanging all those e-mails, and of course I went. What do you think.

I sat in his office at a safe distance and we talked for a while but I could tell he was not listening. He was just staring at me the way a kid stares at his favorite toy with anticipation. It was so obvious and so intense that at one point I did have to say something, and I said forget it! So he gave me the sad puppy eyes look! And he is so cute when he does that! Such a schemer, still I said no! He came over to me and hugged me then, and I started to cry. I actually never cry in front of him. He just held me for the longest time and told me how much he hates to know I’m sad.

It felt so good in his arms, so safe, so calm, so right. We kissed and his taste was so exquisite, so familiar, so sweet. My heart just melted with all that and I gave up, totally, completely. We made love right there and it was different. It was not the hungry wild sex we usually have. It was intense, and sweet, it was slow, enveloping and secure, yet so heartbreaking. It was the way you do it when you mean to say I love you. And that is exactly what he was doing, he was saying I love you all along, so loud so strong yet unspoken. He held me in his arms for a long moment afterward, and actually let us cling to it for a little longer. Long enough to let it sink deep inside this time. So deep that it was still there when we parted as his eyes were still saying I love you. And the eyes can never lie. So much for my resolution, and as I drove home I was finally able to remember my PIN.