That is the key word here. I am writing because I am sick and tired of reading other 'mother of the year' pages telling us all about how to punish our kids, keep them in check and oh yes let's not forget giving them tonnes of chores to teach them some responsibilty! If you are here reading this then you are probably another parent seeking answers. Understanding why your children do the things they do that drive you mad is the lesson that really needs to be learnt. You can impose as many 'punishments' as you like and you will make no progress until you learn to understand your child's view of the world, the people around them and most importantly of all how your behaviour impact's on them.

That's right, they are learning from the day they are born. More importantly their first and most influencial educators are you their parents.

The Social Learning theory, developed by Albert Bandura in the 1960s, suggests that children will learn by copying the behaviour of those around them. Where children see adults being courteous & kind to others, it will encourage them to behave in the same way. This means it is important that children have good role models for behaviour so that they learn appropriate behaviours themselves. Adults should remember that they will be teaching children not only by what they say, but also by what they do!

This basically means lead by example. How many times have you seen a child being smacked for hitting another child? Well this one really gets me irate because all the parent in that situation has just done is say to that child, hey it's not alright for you to hit, because I said so, but it's fine for me to hit you!? Can you imagine how confusing that is for that child! I don't ever smack. All it does is teach your child that it is acceptable to hit another person! An adult hitting another adult would be arrested because this is not acceptable behaviour. Therefore a child should be protected in the same way because hitting is not acceptable behaviour! I'm not looking for a debate on this subject because quite frankly there is no excuse for smacking a child and I will win hands down every time!! It's abuse no matter how you look at it. Would you like to be hit by some-one much bigger than you simply because you voiced your own opinion and refused to conform? I very much doubt it!!

Children will behave inappropriately to gain the attention of an adult. This can be for a number of reasons. Research has shown that on average the ratio of negative to positive comments made to children in the home environment is six to one. This means that for every ‘good boy/girl' comment that a child receives, there are six negatives, such as ‘no, don't, stop'. This can result in children having a low self esteem, little confidence and seeking adult attention from inappropriate behaviours.

The behaviourist theory, developed by B.F Skinner in the 1940s, suggests that children will respond to praise and so will repeat the behaviour which gives them recognition or praise for what they do. Children who receive praise or attention for positive behaviour are more likely to repeat this behaviour. I have gone into more detail on this subject here. This is worth a read because praise has a massive impact on behaviour.

The one thing I have found particularly useful is learning about the various stages that children pass through. This gives a great insight into their ways of thinking at certain ages or stages of development. This becomes even more interesting if you have a child with a learning disability as it can be difficult to judge their stage of development in line with their age. Jean Piaget (1896-1980) has lots of worthwhile reading if you are interested in your developing child. I have included a link to a table of stages of development, however if you just google Piaget you will find many an interesting article.

Eh what? Sounds complicated but it really isn't. How many times do you see incidents starting? Well as soon as you recognise the pattern then that's when you jump in. Before your dealing with a screaming child causing you major problems, you distract, divert and redirect their attention elsewhere. Example: Mother about to leave child in childcare, the child doesn't want mum to leave, the tears are guaranteed! Well, jump straight in and engage the child in something other than mum. Oh, look at Johnny playing in the sand let's go and see what he's made! It sounds so simple but it works!! Mums out the door and the child who was about to have a screaming fit is focused on the sand pit! By the time they realise that mum has gone they are completely engrossed on a different project.

There are consequences for every action in life. This is what children need to be taught. Not punishment, just consequences. Example: If you throw the bricks I will take them away. This is a very simple consequence for an action you don't want to promote. This is part of children learning, there are reasons why children do these things and that's what you need to be aware of.

You have a child playing nicely and then suddenly something gets thrown across the room! Why? Well did you ever ask yourself what is a crayon? Yes, I know your now thinking of course not, I know what a crayon is you idiot! A crayon is for colouring, right? Well is it for colouring? In the eyes of your child it could well make a good missile or it could possibly be used to stick up your nose or in your ear! Who knows until you try! Imagination is something that sadly a lot of us lose as we age. Children however, use their imagination frequently and this quite often explains a lot of their actions! A plain wall can easily resemble a large sheet of drawing paper! Nice clean sheet that could do with some colour! Mummy and Daddy may well be cross when they discover a beautiful new picture on the living room wall, however all your child was actually doing was exploring the materials they had available to them and they will now have learnt that walls are not for drawing on.

Do not make a threat in the heat of the moment that you are not going to follow through. On these occassions you are better saying nothing! Do not ground your child for life because you are stressed!

It may sound ridiculous but how many times do you say things like "right that's it you will live in your bedroom until your thirty!"

Ok, so I may be going over the top but you know what I mean. You are so irate that you've now grounded them for eternity, you have steam coming out of your ears and they are still having a go because they don't want to go in the bath and still want to play on the playstation for another ten minutes!

If you can't figure out what to say, then say nothing! Walk away give yourself five minutes to stew over it and then return to them with sensible solution.

I tend to take things away, like the PS2 etc. Again do not go overboard! Make the consequence clear, "If you don't turn it off in the next two minutes, then I will take it away until friday!" It's that simple and the first time you use it they will probably ignore you! What? Well if your child is used to you making frequent threats that you don't follow through then you can expect them to throw the biggest tantrum ever when you finally do stand by what you say!

Kids do not like it when anything nice has to end. It's not just your kids that throw a paddy when it's time to tidy up!

Some children cannot deal with endings. To deal with this you need to prepare them for it. For example:Five more minutes then it's time to tidy up, a few minutes later, two more minutes and it's time to tidy up. It sounds so easy but how many times do you request that your kids immediately stop what their doing and do as you request? Lots of kids just cannot comprehend this in the time we expect them to. They need the warnings that activities are ending otherwise they certainly will have an almighty fit when you suddenly decide it's gameover!

You know it's coming! Their about to challenge you! Well, while your shaking in your boots and thinking oh I really can't cope with this today. You cannot for one second let your child see it. You absolutely must stand firm. Show no mercy! Your child will see straight through you if you let them.

Children do not just hear what you say. Young children are especially good at reading your face and responding to the tone in your voice. They are only just beginning to understand language and the message they get from you is not just from what you say. They are looking at the expression on your face and reading your body language. This is something that children learn to do well before they understand the meaning of words!

This is where it is vitally important that you give clear signals. Kids may well do things that are amusing and make us want to burst into fits of laughter but and it's a big but! If those things are not appropriate then you cannot under any circumstances let your child see you finding them amusing.

It's very simple, but this is a big one. Children need clear boundaries.

Did you ever stop to think that maybe your child does something that you don't want them to simply because they didn't know they were breaking the rules?

How many times does your child come to you whilst you are busy doing something and try to tell you something that they consider to be dramatically important? Well mine do it quite a few times a day. They wait until I'm on the phone or cooking tea and then suddenly decide they must have my attention! As frustrating as this can be you must never dismiss what your child is saying. If you are busy and you can't deal with it there and then, yes you have to say two minutes darling and I'll have a look at your fantastic creation etc. What I have to stress is that when you do say this then you absolutely must make sure that when you put the phone down you go to your child with enthusiasm and ask what it was that they wanted to ask or show you. It may seem trivial to you at the time but here is the important bit, if your child does not feel like you listen to them, then your child will ultimately assume that it is ok for them not to listen to you! Yes that's right children are not stupid! Why should they pay attention to you when you require it, if you cannot give them your attention when they demand it? Isn't it funny how it all suddenly becomes clear? How many times do you agree with your child whilst paying no real attention to what they are saying?

The first rule of being an active listener is to make eye contact. How annoyed would you be by talking to the side of some-ones head? Point made! It is not ok to expect your child to accept this sort of behaviour either. When you are talking to your child you must make sure you are making eye contact with them. Generally speaking, especially with young children, if they are not looking at you then they are not listening to you either!

For example: They need to know that it is not acceptable to jump on the sofa. What's most important is they have to know that it's never going to be acceptable to jump on the sofa. Therefore you cannot allow this to happen one day because you find it funny and then the next day say no actually that's not amusing don't do it again! Your child will not understand that. They need to know it was not acceptable yesterday, it's not acceptable today and you guessed it, it's not going to happen tommorow either!

It makes sense now doesn't it!

Well this hub is supposed to be answering that request but to be honest I disagree with the whole question!

Why I hear you say. Well, why just Mothers? Do fathers not play a part? They were present at the conception so why are they not included in the aftermath? Are we both not parents? Anyway that may well just be me being sinicle, but I just think we all have a part to play in educating our children. We should be teaching them the consequenses of their actions, not disciplining!

They are not miniature adult's!

Children do lots of things without thinking about the consequences. They do this because they are children and they are learning how to be individuals. They are learning how they cause effects on their enviroment that includes you, their primary caregiver.

They did not ask to be brought into this world, you made that decision for them. It is not their fault you have a million and one things to deal with today and really can't be harrassed! Take a deep breath, smile sweetly and just think about how quickly they will grow up. Most importantly of all, enjoy watching your children learn and develop into independent individuals.

1: Do as I do. You are your child's role model, remember that at all times!

2: Remember to praise your child. It may seem over the top at times but it is worth it in the end!

3: Label the behaviour not the child. Example: It is naughty to kick, not you are naughty.

4: Give the child a valid reason for your response. Example: I don't like it when you kick because you could hurt some-one.

5: Be an active listener. If your child is not listened to, then why should they listen to you?

6: Be aware of your own behaviour and mood. I can't be bothered with this today is going to cause problems! Believe me if they see an opportunity to exploit your mood then they will!

7: Give a clear warning. I am going to count to three and if you do not comply then the consequence is...

8: Follow through. Do not ever make a threat that you know you can't keep! (With the exception of smacking! Don't ever follow through with that one! Just learn not to make that threat!) For example: If you know that grounding them for a week really means two days then your gonna pull your hair out! Don't say it! If you can't stick to it, they will not take you seriously the next time!

9: Do not argue with your child! Sounds like a stupid thing to say but how often can a ten year old draw you into a debate? Don't fall for it! Walk away, you do not need to have the final word!

10: Choose your battles. Do not put yourself into situations that are going to cause you stress! Example: I know that if I try to do a grocery shop with the kids, they are going to drive me insane within the first ten minutes! Solution: I don't do it! Why? Because what is the point in causing myself the unecessary stress? It's no fun for me or them so avoid it unless it's absolutely necessary!

11: Give your child directions. Do not ask silly questions! Example: Sam will you put the toys away please? Eh, no mum I'm still playing with them! Do not open yourself up to these opportunities! A direction is "Sam put your toys away now please." It's just as polite and you've avoided a big pitfall!

12: Never give your child a confusing message. If you say no, you mean no and your face should say the same.

13: Do not shout, your wasting your energy! Change your tone when you want a response. Use simple language and wait for your child to respond.

14: Enjoy your children being children, they grow up very quickly!!