Did you know that verbal communication is 25% speaking and 75% listening?

The early stages leading to a breakup is primarily due to a communication breakdown. Either you or your partner will switch into doing more speaking than listening.

The result: a gradual breakdown in communication.

I experienced this myself when my ex would come home and I was more content to continue watching the TV rather than spending some quality time with her. I wasn’t even listening as she would start telling me about her day. How dumb I was.

How many times have you been in a conversation with your ex, listening, but at the same time having thoughts focused on something totally off tangent? Guilty? I thought so!

If you’re looking to draw your ex back into your life, you need to master:

1. the art of speaking in a way that encourages them to listen and
2. the art of listening in a way that encourages them to speak.

If you can master these 2 areas, then your ex will no doubt feel satisfied each and every time they speak with you, AND you will find that they will fall for you again in record time as “satisfying communication” really is one of our most basic needs.

See… the problem is, most people only half-listen. In my case, I didn't even do this… but at the time, I didn’t know any better that what I was doing was sooooo wrong.

Have you ever nodded and made affirmative noises, but in your head, you couldn’t care less with what your ex was saying?

Don’t get me wrong… none of us are perfect. At times we will all be guilty of only half-listening to our partners, but when this starts to happen on a more frequent basis, then it’s time to cull this “relationship killer”.

Here’s what you’re doing when you only half listen.

You’re taking the speaker’s words and filtering them through your personal filters. You are translating what the person is saying into your own personal language instead of truly listening to it.

It’s time to quiet the voice in your head that’s saying, “Well, what she REALLY means is...” or “He’s really saying that...”

Do you know why? Because your ex is with you right now and can answer those questions directly rather than you answering them (incorrectly!) yourself.

Once your ex has said what they needed to say, you should repeat the “problems” back to them.

“So Sandra, what I’m hearing is that you’re upset about the way I behaved at the Christmas party. You saw my behaviour as anti-social and you felt embarrassed. You felt like I should’ve made an effort to be more like the other husbands at the party and be more social. Did I get everything?”

Listen again as your ex clarifies the situation. And DON’T react – just listen.

Once you both have a full understanding of the situation, you can move onto solving any problems. Remember, not everyone thinks the same way you do, so this exercise in repeating to your partner can help clarify any misunderstandings.

Be sure that you fully understand where your ex is coming from before you begin to speak. Now is not the time to make something up as you go, or respond out of anger and let your emotions drive your mouth.

There’s no shame in saying, “Could you give me a moment?” and quietly thinking before you respond.

This gives you time to craft a much more quality response to your ex’s concerns. Use words that you’re sure your ex will not misconstrue. (You know your ex’s trigger words for anger – now is the time to steer VERY FAR AWAY from them!) Be clear, direct, short and sweet.

Now that you know how to use your ears to listen and how to speak to show you’ve really heard your ex, here’s the last piece of the puzzle!

Body language communicates whether or not you are truly listening. If you’ve ever had a conversation with someone who looked like they’d bolt out of the room at any moment, you’ve experienced an extreme case of this phenomenon.

Maintain Eye Contact
Don’t let your eyes wander around the room. Don’t stare off into the distance or at your hands. Look into your ex’s eyes, even if they are not looking into yours. Eye contact gives you an edge in reading your ex’s emotions and establishes a sense of intimacy. Lock those eyes on and don’t let go.

Lean Forward
Show your desire to be closer to your ex without making them uncomfortable. This shows that you are interested in what they are saying, whereas leaning back implies dominance and a lack of interest.

Open Up
Face directly towards your ex. Don’t position yourself at an angle or to the side of them. Face directly towards them and remove anything that is between you. Often people “block” themselves by crossing their arms. Even if your ex crosses their arms, do not mirror their posture. Stay open and engaged.

Mastering the skill of being a good listener is the first step toward improving communication with your ex and regaining their trust and love. So go practice these skills with a friend (or in a mirror if you’re too shy!) until you’re comfortable with using them on your ex.