Playing God. And Why It's A Bad Idea.
64Wasps. Untrainable Little Beasts
Is it me or are wasps untrainable? I’ve tried for years to placate and educate wasps and I haven’t had an ounce of success. They remain angry and miserable and unable to sit on command.Trust me – I tried.
I’ve tried real hard.
Hand Of Frog
Wasps Nests.
Take the day – many moons ago – when Mother Nature herself bestowed upon me not one ... not two ... but three wasp civilisations. Three raw little nations, all buzzing with activity – ready and waiting for the Hand of Frog to interfere at will. Oh joy.
I studied them for a day or two. Trying to decide which Wasp Nation was indeed the most open to change. After a few days of being attacked and a good deal or running round the garden I figured my best bet was N2. N1 and N3 were engaged in some sort of pagan war and there was a good deal of politics and back-stabbing underway.
When you’re trying to train wasps it’s a good idea to try and at least hold their attention. Wasps that are engaged with daily wasp life tend to be a little … difficult.
Honest. Nasty Little Buggers
Talk With Wasps
Having chosen my nation, I then had to decide how best to inform them of my good intentions. In the past I’d simply stuck my hand into the melee and waved it around a bit. Waving is generally a good way to attract attention but wasps appear to intensely dislike hand-waving. I worked this one out after several trips to the hospital, one or two painful injections. And a torn Achilles Heel.
Initially I though I’d just try conversation. I’m not a bad conversationalist and I’m a confident public speaker. I approached N2 and announced my objective: To educate them in the art of politeness, how to be a good neighbour and why it’s not a good idea to wage war upon non-wasps.
Being A Creator Is Not A Job For The Weak
Comic Relief. Eddie Izzard
Playing God Is A Tough Job
I was met with utter ignorance. They just carried on wasping around. Now – if there’s one thing I can’t abide its being ignored. I also lack … patience. Hence I slightly kicked N2. Unfortunately slightly was a little too much. And because I’m the Hand of Frog I refuse to wear protective clothing.
Supreme Beings do not wear armour plating, bullet proof vests or hair nets.
A day or so later, after the swelling had receded, I went back for another go. This time I though I’d just grab a few wasps that looked as though they were rebels. Rebels are always great for such events as they are often dissatisfied with current legislation and what have you.
I found a bunch hanging around on the berry bush. Doing a good job of looking busy but I could tell they were whispering among themselves.
Jam Jars
Ambush. It's All In The Stalking
Ha! Ambush.
I didn’t take any chances this time and using a purloined, clean jam jar - I ambushed them. They were a little ticked off to be fair but after a few rapid shakes of the jar they seemed to calm down.
I thought it might be more productive to take them into my home as a means of showing them I meant well - whereby I gave them a few minutes to come round.
Once they appeared calm I said something like ‘Look pests. I just want to talk with you. In a civilised manner. Lets not have any of that indiscriminate stinging and what have you. If you agree to that, I promise to leave Pest Control out of this’.
So far so good. I gently unscrewed the lid. They slowly wandered to the top. Whispering to each other. All good signs.
Pest Control
Chemical Warfare
About twenty minutes later, I was in the garden calling the Men In The White Suits. Pest Control. My lounge had several dead bodies in it - courtesy of some abject panic and a cushion - and about another dozen wasps were loose in my house ... on a frog hunt. I can't be 100% sure but I have a sneaky suspicion it's because I called them pests ...
To this day I remain resolute. Training wasps is like guerrilla warfare. You need the hide of a rhino. The heart of a lion. And a complete lack of understanding for common sense.
So my advice - if you come up against a Wasp Nation - is not to bugger about with it. They are maniacal, psychopathic, flying … hypodermic needles. You can’t reason with them. You can’t talk with them. And the only sensible thing to do is call in the troops.
The kind that come wearing white suits, hairnets … and go on to wage chemical warfare.
And Now For Something Almost Identical ...
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ralwus - of course I watch Attenborough ... but he's not right every time. And you know - I'm an eternal optimist. I always try to see the good in all things.
Though wasps are now off the Christmas card list ...
LOL! I'm laughing at your expense... I know how those little buggers can sting...
When I was about 9 years old, my dad made a swing in the backyard. I was the first eager participant to test it out and ended up in a tree that had a nice wasp nest. Needless to say I was stung; the poor things were defending themselves. I on the other had didn't see it coming. I could not see for 2 days as my entire face was swollen. Nasty little buggers...you should stay away.
Thanks for sharing frogdropping. As always you crack me up.
Well now, I wouldn't go that far dear. they have their good qualities too. they do eat other pests such as flies. Just keep from waving at them or kicking of the nests. hehe I like to have them around as long as they leave me alone.
Dynamic - you poor sod! They weren't defending themselves ... they would have been seeing you off. Such bad tempered beggars you know ...
ralwus - I can live beside them. Just not among them. I don't trust them. One spent all night laying in wait in a shoe. Got me good so it did ...
Frog, you seriously should be working on a book right now. I can imagine your kids ROFL while reading this. :)
ralwus - just keep in mind that frog extended her hand towards them in friendship and they answered with violence.
Oh yes, I remember when that very thing happened to me twice as a boy on the farm in winter time. We had an oldt coal furnace and my beroom on the second stroy was cold, no forced air. they are little bitches as their all women ya know. Full of scorn and wrath.
Yes Haunty, but she kicked them first and waved at them. LOL not nice in waspeeze
Haunty - hey :) Thankyou lol. I made some kind of start with the Dragon. One of my lads read the first chapter ... or whatever it would be deemed as. He fell about laughing. So ... maybe one day. And re ralwus - I think he knows. I think he also knows that shaking wasps in a jam jar is probably not that friendly ...
ralwus - my dad ended up in the hospital many years ago. Kicked what he though was a rotting leather football in some woods. How wrong he was ... he was in a bad way apparently!
I remember when I was sitting on the back of my ex-husband's motorbike when it suddenly veered out of control, a blasted wasp had just stung him on the thigh!
ralwus - I think frog speaks a different language. She hates to be ignored while wasps love to be ignored. I think what wasps like is flowers. She should've brought them flowers... maybe.
Don't kick anything that is oldt and rotting and wear leather and face shield while motorcycling. No waving at them wither. poor dad. you should do a book, or maybe a stand up routine. LOL What the hell look what Kermit did? lol
Frog - Really? That's great. Notify me when done. I wanna buy it for my future kids! :)
cindy - hey! Your pic is great! Maybe I should have worn something like that way back when ... and I'm thinking that these days you may well have a sneaky laugh at the day he got stung? Mind you - you both could've had a nasty accident!
Haunty - I speak a different language. One that only let-loose idiots and lunatics can understand ;)
ralwus - nope. Was a lesson passed on from my dad to me, me to my kids. Just a pity that I didn't actually listen to a great deal that he tried to teach to me.
Still. My kids are fine. Happy and completely sane :)
Haunty - missed your next one sorry. Yes, really. I'm trying. I'm not sure what I'm doing and have no idea of formatting etc but hey! You don't get anywhere unless you try huh!
And I fancy opening some kind of shop. With my Fripparies and Cindys' Sausages. lol we could call it 'Sausage & Frips' :)
'Sausage & Frips' LOL Thanks for this one. Now I shut up and go to bed. :)
Béla - hey :) You are welcome. Just dribble. From the mind of a crazy frog
LOL Wasps= Bad Eddie Izzard= good
loved the hub and loved the Izzard vid :) Cake or Death?! Hmmm..I'll take Cake.
LOLOLOL!! I can just picture the mayhem!! No, they are not trainable, and good on ya for trying.. My first hubby (the violent one) slid down a hill, over a nest and was stung dozens of place!!! I covered him with baking soda and waited for him to go into shock..no luck.. I'd've taken him to the hospital... eventually.. maybe..sigh.. no good deed goes unpunished!
Sausage and fripps.. I shall put a few in my basket to share around the hubberhood! Tra-la-la-la-la! S & F.. now if you could come up with a name that went with S & M... you'd have something great!!!
ZOMG!
Evil wasps...they shoulda all taken to the ground and became ants...why did they decide to stay as wasps? Ants are great! Easily squash-able..not so much with flying things.
lol - You should do a routine with Izzard. That would be hilarious.
In my last battle with the wasps, I had developed an ingenious trap. I would drop down some pieces of dog treats. The wasps would descend upon them - I suppose they must be slightly sweet - and then I would descend for the kill. Sadly, I was never fast enough for them, then they would get really angry at me and start buzzing everywhere.
I also ended up calling the Men In White :/
Frogd,, knowing you are a fan of insects, I'm surprised.
But, also knowing that wasps can sting you in hidden places after being ingested, I think I understand they could be a bit spicy. At first I thought you might be talking about White Anglo Saxon Protestent WASPs because a lot of the characteristics seem to apply. . . still not quite sure, but I am deeply under the influence of a really nice dinner and a little red wine.
We have little yellow/black stripey wasps called "meat bees" that really try to mess up the cook outs.
Why don't you just eat them? Or don't frogs like wasps? There's always Kevin...perhaps he'd breathe fire over them instead? :P
Exactly, Where was Kevin in all this? Or is he as well trained as the Wasps??
I definetely wouldn't want to play God with them buggers?! This hub reminds me about the movie Bruce Almighty.
I totally relate to this. You are pretty insane. I totally relate to you. Try ants next ...
Demented fun, as usual. Thanks for brightening my day.
And I'll have the cake, please.
I have a small wasp nest in my thorn tree....... BTW I did not miss your intriguing allegory.
But now about my wasps!
Why is pain always so funny. My we humans are a perverse nation.
Now about my wasps!
Janetta - howdy :) Cake or death ... cake or ... cake. Not a hard choice hmmm? Nice to see you Journalist!
Candie - S & M? How's about Give & Take? ;)
And HA! @ your ex. Served him right ...
lxxy - wasps are just flying ants. With 'tude. Seriously ...
Shiba - you committed Insectacide ... lolol ... and still had to call in the troops? A poor assassin you are ;)
Rochelle - I'm a bit anti anything that's got more than four legs. There's something intrinsically ... wrong ... with 6+ legs. And creepy ;)
Feline - eat wasps? Have you taken leave of your senses?! I've seen what they do to a cat's mouth. There's more chance of the Second Coming of Noah than there is of me eating wasps ...
Candie - hey again. Errr lol ... Kevin has an 'allergy' to insects. Particularly spiders. In my opinion it's a lot less an allergy and lot more towards a phobia ;)
Mayhmong - lol Bruce Almighty. I should rename myself Frog Allnighty ...
Iphi - you really ought to come out of the sea you know. You're sure to look like a prune. Or a sultana. Otherwise known as a humiliated grape ;)
Teresa - you're welcome. And help yourself to cake ...
Sixty - lol pain is ... entertaining. Providing it's not YOU that is feeling it ...
once saw a child running down the street with wasps all over his head stinging him, he had poked there nest, poor child, never been near a wasp since...... nice hub
Brenda - Poor little bugger! Having been stung many times ... I know how painful they can be! One of my sons ended in hospital as a baby from being stung about the face, neck and ears - and THAT was during the night!
Those bitches are just as mean in the dark with thier night vision scopes. Froggy, have you ever had a daliance with Master Piggy? hehe
Thumbs up, you're funny.
Glad you included Cake or Death. The icing on the cake so to speak
I would like to say thank you, btw.... NO ONE calls me by my name any more. Thanks, thanks a lot.
ralwus - whuuuut?! lol ... I'm fairly sure that someone, somewhere is handing out contraband night vision binocs or similar to rampamt Wasp Hordes!
Jewels - why thankyou very much.
Ethel - couldn't agree with you more. Though my peronal preference is cake ... straight form the oven and lacking fancy cakey-details like icing, marzipan and cream :)
Wassup now Juanita? You have some lovely names. I love each and everyone of them!
Jeez froggy mate, you have me all cracked up over here! :D
Naz - catch *throws soopergloo* stick yourself back together ;)
LOL I enjoyed this and I think I know what to do next time i get bored. You wicked wicked frog! :D
My first encounter was around 7 or 8.there was this gigantic globe, brown and beige in this apple tree on my cousins farm,(I'm from the city) I didn't know what it was,so I cocked my bee-bee gun and started blasting holes in it!The wasp descended on me with such speed that I couldn't out run them!They stung the entire left side of my body.My ear was swollen for a month,I looked like a circus freak!needless to say I never did that again,and I learned to respect wasp and other bees Instantly!
Hysterics! I'm going to take this advice seriously. By the way I'm a long time fan of Eddy Izzard. Fantastic! Cake please.
I think they are pissed as only one male gets to mate with the queen. Frustrated little fellows. When the extended olive branch is met with the sword, full on war is called for. LOL. Crazy frog.
Cris - seriously - avoid messing with wasps. They are full of issues. Not to mention stings ...
Bill - ouch! What a horrible way to find out that some bb gun targets are simply not appropriate! I do hope you were fine ... and not permanently scarred!
Frieda - well hey there :) *passes Frieda a pice of cake* I think you made a great choice ...
Paper - Perhaps wasps are jealous types then? Protecting their woman? And as you say - unltimately frustrated - as one female to 10,000 males is never a great combination ;)
This is absolutely awesome! Clever and hilarious. I hate wasps—and I rarely use that word. Hate, I mean. They are just ignorant. Bees, you can talk to. There's no talking to a wasp.
James - lol thankyou! Wasps are possibly rejected bee types. Probably did a bit too much shin kicking in the ether ... the bit before the Ultimate Catergorisation ;)
I was hiking with my dog about 10 years ago when he stuck his nose right in their nest. They swarmed out and attacked with vicious fiery. I was stung over 350 times. They are not to be messed with. Great hub! Lots of laughs!
thelesley - you poor bugger! Damn that musta hurt ...
Pray tell - how many stings did the bleddy dog get?
Hey frog, I read an article in the news last night that they discovered radioactive wasps in a nuclear site recently.
ralwus - Ohhhh my! Radioactive wasps? Next they'll be radar sneaky ... and coming like stealth stingers and taking over the world ...
Yeah, kind o' spooky ain't it? This was a featured news bit on Yahoo. I was in shock to say the least and just had to inform you. LOL
ralwus - I'm thinking about buying radar-sneaky radar. And wasp repellant.
Thankyou for the heads-up ;)
You are quite welcome my dear froggy. xxxxx
ralwus - we who are afraid of the dark ... and all thinks small and untrustworthy ... unite ;)
Great story of The War of the Wasps! lol Maybe the rebels you caught were really agents provocateurs! Either way, two thumbs up for your attempt at diplomacy and definitely for your great story!
Oh! And I really love that picture of God with the dinosaurs and the meteorite! Great stuff! :-D
liminal - hey ;) agent provocateurs? I'm not sure. None were wearing frilly underwear. That I noticed anyway.
And I think God is going to stone them or something. Everyone presumes it was a giant meteor. But maybe ... it was the Man Upstairs that just played skittles with dinosaurs and big rocks ...
And overall, thankyou very much :)
ralwus says:
6 months ago
ROFLMAO here at yer distress and utter stupidity! Reasoning with natures lil devils cannot be done. Don't you ever watch Attonborough (spelling?) or other nature films? I would have thought as a wee frog you would have learned about them needled asses. This as usual is another witty and funny frog tale. thanks I needed the laugh.