Let’s face it; most of us have heard the advice, “Honey some things you need to take to the grave with you. It’s nobody business but you and God!” I have heard it many times and I bet you have too, but is this really good advice for someone who is out there looking or spending his or her life with a soul mate?Is it fair to keep secrets from someone you dating, love or planning to marry? Or Should it just follow you to the grave? lol..Well to me personally it depends on the two people here, are a few I’m thinking on off the top of my head:

KEEP THESE 6 QUESTIONS IN MIND

1.      Is it time in the relationship to start spilling my guts or wait?

2.      Am I being misleading by withholding some personal things?

3.      Is it relevant to the future well-being of the relationship?

4.      Is he sharing his personal business? How well do I know him?

5.      The seriousness of the relationship if its short or long term, is this a potential marriage relationship?

6.      Count the cost if relationship ends, “If they left me today and told my business, how would it effect my life and future?

1. Is it time in the relationship to start spilling my guts or wait?

Let’s face facts, we all are on our best behaviors and hiding flaws when we first meet someone we are interested in. That’s how it goes. We put our best foot forward. Do our makeup, nails, and toes, keep our hair up, walk around clean shaved and smelling good. Life is just grand. A fresh new face is in our lives and we are on clouds 9, 10, 100- we floating on air. Nothing matters…well…so it may not. But eventually reality will set in and that person now is becoming more than a face, but one who you truly have developed feelings for, but you got things you not too proud of in your life. When should you start talking?

Well…when do you feel comfortable talking about personal issues. First define what’s personal to you, because we all different. Personal to me may be my nightly ritual before I go to bed, or what I think of in the morning. To some that’s just general conversation. Personally I would wait a few weeks and just see how the friendship goes and flow with simple things like, what I plan on doing with my life lets say in six months. Things like that set the bases for the big things. If I plan on taking flight classes and flying around the world for 80 days and my date plans on being married with a wife that’s ready to have his child. We have issues! Some things are nipped in the bud…wayyyyy ahead of time…and then there is no need to go into deep stuff…like you clip your grannies toes on the 2^nd Sunday of the month as a past time to her! Get my point? When things start getting serious, throw a little tidbit of your life goals, dreams and such. If a person can not flow with your vision….then that tells me a lot about our future. Right?

2. Am I being misleading by withholding some personal things?

The first thing that pops into my mind when I think on misleading of personal things is health, religion, family..hmmmm..I see these are some of the most challenging areas that couple share. Why? Because sometimes revealing the truth behind the matter can make or break a relationship but does a person who may be considering marrying you have a right to know if you can’t have kids or don’t want kids? To me these issues go on timing and the intensity of relationship. I wouldn’t really bring up having kids, etc on a first couple of dates with a man. Whew talk about a brother running. But in general if we happen to be talking about family and such. I guess it depends on the mode and setting. If we have a family day and he has his children and mine are together. He sitting there smiling at the scene and brings up kids. I may mention. I don’t mind a man having kids, but I can not have kids physically myself. His actions after that statement…well tells a lot, but I think a man should know or a man if you want kids or not. Well if you know you can’t have kids, its just wrong not to admit it..is what I’m saying. That’s sooo important and many people don’t take time to discuss til….well….one is looking for the stork and the stork over in la la land delivering babies elsewhere. 

The same goes with and GOD help this…having a life threatening or permanent disease like HIV or herpes. Need I write more? Now personally I believe as a Christian in abstinence before marriage, but ummmm…your future mate-NEEDS TO KNOW. Now personally as I see the relationship progressing on a deeper level, I can’t give you a setting or place, but pray and just tell the truth. Not telling can put you at criminal risk or risk of death after they find out! I know many friends who have such diseases and are loving individuals. They were honest and either found mates who understand and loved them in spite of or got in relationships with someone with the same illnesses. One friend with HIV is happily married and in a comfortable mode with the disease. I mean how can you live with yourself if you know you putting someone who trusts you health at risk? That’s shady and low. Keep it real and let them make the choice to be with you or not.

Now some health issues such as I battled depression after my marriage got shot to hell- 0 land, I believe depends on how often you battle certain illnesses. Some things we may have had done surgically, aka a breast reduction or such..I mean, as you get to know the person, if things like this is important..Then tell…if not..Well let it be.

 The same goes with a career and religion. Don’t pretend to believe in a faith or religion just to appease a person. Don’t be afraid to tell your career goals and let it be known if you desire to be a stay at home mom or diva in corporate America. Let the person know is the bottom line.

3. Is it relevant to the future well being of the relationship?

Most of the time, we ramble in this area with relationships of the past. We “want them to know this happened” and that happened so it will not happen again. Well is it important to know that you broke the windows out your exes car because he didn’t answer your text? Or you had a habit of walking in church late so you didn’t have to sit up front row? Once again..some things are simply your past. Yes, your past mainly need to stay in the past, especially if you speaking on past relationships and their errors. Learn to watch and observe and not speak so much at times when its not needed. The bible says, “Even a fool is wise when he knows when to hold his tongue.” Use wisdom, if it has not baring and is not misleading the person. Leave it shut. You lived your life and learned.

4. Is he sharing his personal business? How well do I know him?

Well these definitely not in order, because this one of the top things. Is your mate sharing any of their personal business or simply trying to learn yours in a subtle way? If you find yourself rambling on the good, the bad and the ugly in your life and the mouth is not running on the other end. Shut yours and open your eyes. Something not right there. When you share your life, that’s exactly what it is. You sharing, he/she sharing and you coming to a common ground. Watch out for that. Sometimes we get caught in the moment of letting a person know us and when we sit back and look..We don’t know diddly about them!!! Take time to talk to each other and not you only talking to that person. This is a relationship right?

5. The seriousness of the relationship if its short or long term, is this a potential marriage relationship?

Ok its status check time! Are we just friends, solely dating, or heading down the aisles? Well on dating, it should be that minimum information linking, Yanno the kind that either gets them running or coming back for more. As you date solely this when you start getting on the family, career, pet peeves and such. What things are you being asked to change if any is what you began to ponder and your mate at this phase, because the answers lead to the last-heading down aisle phase.  Well heading down the aisle, by now you should have met a relative that doesn’t mind spilling the beans and you may never have to have a “getting to know you convo”again! Don’t you just love those relatives! The ones folks hope didn’t get the invitation. Yep…this the time you should have the run down on your family, career, religion, life plans and such and came into agreement that we going all the way.

6. Count the cost if relationship ends, “If they left me today and told my business, how would it effect my life and future?

This may sound a little taboo, but always think of yourself in the long run and what you reveal if the relationship ends. Some things you will have told the person in confidence and its nothing you can do to stop them from telling and this a fragile area as well. Make sure if you sharing business, its something that you can say, “Hey I loved them and trusted them and this why I revealed it.” That shines a light on your character and shows if they do wrong, their lack of integrity. Be careful though on revealing other business to your mate though, especially family members who you have not warned (you telling their business), things can get ugly at times. Its sad but true. People when they are hurt can do the weirdest things, but hey you can’t hold back in fear of what may be sad.  Just know that when you share anything with anyone, you did it in love and the rest will fall into pieces.

So in closing, use wisdom and revealing whom you are. Take your time, don’t only be the one talking but listen as well. Use your senses and observe and watch body language. Many times its not that the person is not ready to hear something, but it’s not the time. Timing is everything! Know whom you dealing with and what their motives are. If a person’s heart in the right place, there’s nothing holding you back…except…except…

Have a blessed day folks,

LIVI Stith Christian Relationship Minister