I taped this video below 2 years ago. Not stable on my medications yet, all alone, so it seemed. I just found it recently, (had forgotten about it) and want people to understand Borderline Personality and Bi Polar mental disorders. I have to add recovering addict and ADD. The struggles, as hard as they may be at times, don't hurt me as much as they do the ones around me that feel helpless and do misunderstand. I don't know who could understand. It's my honest and pure attempt at explaining my behaviors. I had just been published in my first book. I was confused on how to feel.

The video is really rough, no props, just me. I really never knew why I made this, but maybe it was for this Hub. I am nervous as there is 12 minutes of my heart and soul trying to explain the unexplainable. We are all afraid of being judged on different levels. Maybe I write about my experiences and challenges to help not just someone else suffering, but myself. Similar to a means of Therapy really. My biggest Joy would be if someone with these disorders or someone who loves someone with these disorders, can relate. Better yet, feel less alone.

I am not going to delete this Hub because I am unable to upload my chat video about mental illness, as was intended.

Instead, I am going to candidly chat here with you now because I want people to know more about this, if they don't already, in hopes of changing some perceptions. It also helps me keep things in perspective, laugh at myself and always get a little closer to accepting that these things are very real for me.

I can only speak of what I know, have done and am doing now. Besides, trust me most 'documented' medical jargon is bullshit, oh, excuse me, pardon.

So I am going to talk to the person who has none or little awareness. The rest of you can just keep nodding their heads. This broad range of a topic would take far too long to Hub, so I am narrowing it down to my illnesses, and my experience, because it's my Hub. :-)

So what is mental Illness? Your brain is sick because of a million variations of chemical imbalances that exist. A disease of the mind that needs to be medicated to aid in functioning, and often for the simplest of tasks. 

To me, none of that means anything. I'm just pissed I have a disorder or illness, that is for life, I can't control it, and makes me not well. I do care, or I should say, am interested however, what people think and feel about mental illness. Because truthfully most of the time the patient, when in any form of altered state, is unaware themselves.

What I have been told are things like the following;

• mental illness is dangerous
• it leaves people homeless
• too many crazy nuts go violent on a perfect stranger
• very lonely
• can't work-so what to do with them?
• they're costing a fortune in hospitals, medications and after care housing and treatment
• they are dirty
• they should just all be locked away to play with marbles
• even their families fear them
• you know "one flew over the coo coo 's nest"
• they can't be left alone
• they can't be around fire or flammable devices
• they could freak out at any time
• it's not our fault, so why should I care
• how'd they turn out that way anyway
• maybe if they went to a doctor, they could act normal
• they talk to themselves
• they scare me
• their eyes are black-like no soul
• they don't feel anything anyway
• they are always seeing things and waving their arms-how embarrassing
• I change sides of the street if i see one coming, that's for sure
• where do they catch this from-I really want to know

Of course not all people, but you'd be surprised how this sample of a few myths and attitudes exist, in a very hurtful way. But this isn't just about me, I want to quickly now point out what myths are half true and maybe a few things you didn't know.

• Mental illness is dangerous. Much more to the patient himself than to anyone else. However I agree, some illnesses, if not medicated, can be harmful mostly due to the patient being in fear or paranoid. This is more often in our heads than actually witnessing assault behavior. 90% of the time this is never intended behavior.
• Homeless, yes. Canada is very different given our health care system, I have to remember if your not working or able to qualify for subsidized disability housing in the US, your homeless. What a tragedy, then comes panhandling and theft... and so on.... and on.
• people use the word crazy so loosely and Nuts just the same. That's fine but how many 'ill' people have you actually seen be violent just at random of a perfect stranger? However these are legitimate fears, but criminally insane and violent offenders are few,mingling in the public at random. I do not deny they exist, and as you protect yourself against,say a mugger, you are protecting yourself here too. Throw these fears out the window if they are bothering you.
• Yes mental illnesses very lonely - how can you talk or share about things you don't understand and forget when you are stable but have feelings of remorse and embarrassment.
• Homeless patients are yes, usually dirty, given there either is no facility to bathe or like most of us showering is the last thing on our minds when unstable. Much like not eating or talking.
• Fear causes people to use phrases like- "just lock them away"
• Families take this the hardest. To watch someone you love transform into someone you don't know.   I find the families I have met deny there's a problem at all. Denial is often the approach which leaves the patient feeling unworthy with no validation.
• When someone refers to suggest a patient should never be left alone, tht is with severe cases and they are hospitalized, usually long term.
• Mental illness is not something that causes someone to have no feelings. Quite the opposite, feelings are, maybe confused, but felt deeper than those without a mental illness.
• No matter what the situation, if you feel uncomfortable, do change sides of the street.  Not just for people you think have a mental illness.
• Mental Illness is not contagious, you cannot catch it.
• The struggle is trying to run away from something that isn't real.
• I'm tired of trying too long.
• In my mind I leave myself behind.

Now, more specifically, I suffer from "Rapid Cycling" Bi Polar Disorder. This type just means I vary in lows and highs much more frequently than the standard Bi Polar.  I am on Lithium for this, in addition to many other anti-psychotics and mood stabilizers.

I hope I shed some light on Borderline Personality Disorder-it's a tough one, and I have had it my whole life. Another Hub on another day, there's just so much to say.

ADHD-they just put me back on Ritalin and I don't think it's making much difference.

Below I have tried to define for you my three mental illnesses.

I am stable today - meaning no hallucinations or psychotic episodes.  I struggle with functioning, but in time, I believe I will also be able to again.

My point-It's not our fault and we're doing the best we can with what we know.  Please don't be afraid-reactions are maybe magnified at times, but the same as you if one was to feel threatened.  Real or hallucinated.

Borderline Personality Disorder

Full description of Borderline Personality Disorder. Definition, signs, symptoms, causes of Borderline Personality Disorder.

Description of Borderline Personality Disorder

Most people with a borderline personality disorder are women and it's estimated 1-2% of American adults have Borderline Personality Disorder. Borderline personality becomes evident in early adulthood but becomes less common in older age groups.

People with borderline personality are unstable in their self-image, moods, behavior, and interpersonal relationships. The Merck Manual states "their thought processes are more disturbed than those of people with an antisocial personality, and their aggression is more often turned against the self. They are angrier, more impulsive, and more confused about their identity than are people with a histrionic personality."

People with a borderline personality often report being neglected or abused as children. Consequently, they feel empty, angry, and deserving of nurturing. They have far more dramatic and intense interpersonal relationships than people with cluster A personality disorders (odd or ecentric personality disorders such as paranoid personality disorder, schizoid personality disorder). When they fear being abandoned by a caring person, they tend to express inappropriate and intense anger. People with a borderline personality tend to see events and relationships as black or white, good or evil, but never neutral.

When people with a borderline personality feel abandoned and alone, they may wonder whether they actually exist (that is, they do not feel real). They can become desperately impulsive, engaging in reckless promiscuity , substance abuse, or self-mutilation. At times, they are so out of touch with reality that they have brief episodes of psychotic thinking, paranoia, and hallucinations.

According to the Merck Manual, people with a borderline personality commonly visit primary care doctors. Borderline personality is also the most common personality disorder treated by therapists, because people with the disorder relentlessly seek someone to care for them. However, after repeated crises, vague unfounded complaints, and failures to comply with therapeutic recommendations, caretakers, including doctors, often become very frustrated with them and view them erroneously as people who prefer complaining to helping themselves.

DSM IV Diagnostic Criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

• frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
• a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
• identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
• impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
• recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
• affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
• chronic feelings of emptiness
• inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
• transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

Causes of Borderline Personality Disorder

The cause of Borderline Personality Disorder is unknown but may be a result of genetic and environmental factors, brain abnormalities or a combination. Many people with borderline personality disorder have a history of childhood abuse, neglect and separation from caregivers or loved ones. And since personality is shaped in childhood, these factors could play a significant role in the development of Borderline Personality Disorder.

Risk factors for developing Borderline Personality Disorder include:

• Hereditary predisposition. You may be at a higher risk if a close family member, a mother, father or sibling, has the disorder.
• Childhood abuse. Many people with the disorder report being sexually or physically abused during childhood.
• Neglect. Some people with the disorder describe severe deprivation, neglect and abandonment during childhood.

For comprehensive information on borderline and other personality disorders, visit the HealthyPlace.com Personality Disorders Community.

Sources: 1. American Psychiatric Association. (1994). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association. 2. Merck Manual, Home Edition for Patients and Caregivers, last revised 2006.

In spite of the fact that medications are very helpful for the treatment of most bipolar disorder patients, only one-third of bipolar disorder sufferers receives treatment. Untreated bipolar disorder opens the gate for a host of problems.

Bipolar Disorder and Risk for Suicide

It is important to note that an estimated 15% to 20% of patients who suffer from bipolar disorder and who do not receive medical attention commit suicide. The risk is greater in the following individuals:

• In a 2001 study of bipolar disorder I disorder, more than 50% of patients attempted suicide; the risk was highest during depressive episodes.
• Some studies have suggested that the risk with bipolar disorder II patients is even higher than it is in patients with bipolar disorder I or major depression disorder.
• Patients with mixed mania, and possibly when it is marked by irritability and paranoia, are also at particular risk.
• Many young pre- and early adolescent children with bipolar disorder are more severely ill than are adults with the disease. According to a 2001 study, 25% of children with bipolar disorder are seriously suicidal. They have a higher risk for mixed mania (simultaneous depression and mania), multiple and frequent cycles, and a long duration of illness without well periods.

Rapid cycling, although a more severe bipolar disorder variation, does not appear to increase the suicide risk for patients with bipolar disorder.

Thinking and Memory Problems in Those With Bipolar Disorder

A 2000 study reported that bipolar disorder patients had varying degrees of problems with short- and long-term memory, speed of information processing, and mental flexibility. Medications used for bipolar disorder, however, could have been responsible for some of these abnormalities and more research is needed to confirm or refute these findings.

Behavioral and Emotional Effects of Manic Phases on the Patient

A small percentage of bipolar disorder patients demonstrates heightened productivity or creativity during manic phases. More often, however, the distorted thinking and impaired judgment that are characteristic of manic episodes can lead to dangerous behavior, including the following:

• A person may spend money with abandon, causing financial ruin in some cases.
• Angry, paranoid, and even violent behaviors are not uncommon during a manic episode.
• Some people are openly promiscuous.

Often such behaviors are followed by low self-esteem and guilt, which are experienced during the depressed phases. During all stages of the illness, patients need to be reminded that the mood disturbance will pass and that its severity can be diminished by treatment.

Bipolar Disorder and Substance Abuse

Cigarette smoking is prevalent among bipolar patients, particularly those who have frequent or severe psychotic symptoms. Some experts speculate that, as in schizophrenia, nicotine use may be a form of self-medication because of its specific effects on the brain; further research is necessary.

Up to 60% of patients with bipolar disorder abuse other substances (most commonly alcohol, followed by marijuana or cocaine) at some point in the course of their illness.

The following are risk factors for alcoholism and substance abuse in bipolar disorder patients:

• Having mixed-state episodes rather than ones of pure mania.
• Being a man with bipolar disorder.

Effects of Untreated Bipolar Disorder on Loved Ones

Patients do not work out their negative behaviors (e.g., spending sprees or even becoming verbally or physically aggressive) in a vacuum. They have a direct effect on others around them. It is very difficult for even the most loving families or caregivers to be objective and consistently sympathetic with an individual who periodically and unexpectedly creates chaos around them.

Many patients and their families, therefore, cannot admit that these episodes are part of an illness and not simply extreme, but normal, characteristics. Such denial is often strengthened by patients who are highly articulate and deliberate and can intelligently justify their destructive behavior, not only to others, but also to themselves.

Often family members feel socially alienated by the fact of having a relative with mental illness, and they conceal this information from acquaintances. (This is particularly true if the patient is female and lives away from home.) People with more education are more likely to feel ostracized by their acquaintances than are those with less education.

Economic Burden

The economic burden of bipolar disorder is significant. In 1991, the National Institute of Mental Health estimated that the disorder cost the country $45 billion, including direct costs (patient care, suicides, and institutionalization) and indirect costs (lost productivity and involvement of the criminal justice system). In spite of the obvious need for professional help, access to medical therapies is not always available for patients with bipolar disorder. In one major survey, 13% of patients had no insurance and 15% were unable to afford medical treatment.

Bipolar's Association with Physical Illnesses

Diabetes. Diabetes is diagnosed almost three times more often in people with bipolar disorder than it is in the general population. A 2002 study reported that 58% of bipolar patients were overweight, with 26% meeting the criteria for obesity. Being overweight is a significant risk factor for diabetes and so it may be the common factor in both diseases. Drugs used to treat bipolar also pose a risk for weight gain and diabetes. Common genetic factors have also been implicated in diabetes and bipolar disorder, including those causing a rare disorder called Wolfram syndrome and those that regulate carbohydrate metabolism.

Migraine Headaches. Migraines are common in patients with a number of mental illnesses, but they are particularly common among bipolar II patients. In one study, 77% of bipolar II patients had migraines while only 14% of bipolar I had this headache, suggesting that difference biologic factors may be involved with each bipolar form.

Hypothyroidism. Hypothyroidism (low thyroid levels) is a common side effect of lithium, the standard bipolar treatment. However, evidence also suggests that bipolar patients, particularly women, may be at higher risk for low thyroid levels regardless of medications. It may in fact be a risk factor for bipolar disorder in some patients.

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is the most commonly diagnosed behavioral disorder of childhood, affecting an estimated 3-5% of school-aged children. It is diagnosed much more often in boys than in girls. Most children with ADHD also have at least one other developmental or behavioral problem.

Definition of ADHD:

ADHD is a problem with inattentiveness, over-activity, impulsivity, or a combination of both. For these problems to be diagnosed as ADHD, they must be out of the normal range for the child's age and development.

Symptoms of ADHD:

Either (1) or (2):

1. Inattention: six (or more) of the following symptoms of inattention have persisted for at least 6 months to a degree that is maladaptive and inconsistent with developmental level:

• often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work, or other activities
• often has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities
• often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly
• often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional behavior or failure to understand instructions)
• often has difficulty organizing tasks and activities
• often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort (such as schoolwork or homework)
• often loses things necessary for tasks or activities (e.g., toys, school assignments, pencils, books, or tools)
• is often easily distracted by extraneous stimuli
• is often forgetful in daily activities

2. Hyperactivity-impulsivity: six (or more) of the following symptoms of hyperactivity-impulsivity have persisted for at least 6 months to a degree that is maladaptive and inconsistent with developmental level:

Hyperactivity Symptoms:

• often fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat
• often leaves seat in classroom or in other situations in which remaining seated is expected
• often runs about or climbs excessively in situations in which it is inappropriate (in adolescents or adults, may be limited to subjective feelings of restlessness)
• often has difficulty playing or engaging in leisure activities quietly
• is often "on the go" or often acts as if "driven by a motor"
• often talks excessively

Impulsivity Symptoms:

• often blurts out answers before questions have been completed
• often has difficulty awaiting turn
• often interrupts or intrudes on others (e.g., butts into conversations or games)

Additional criteria for a diagnosis of ADHD

• Some hyperactive-impulsive or inattentive symptoms that caused impairment were present before age 7 years.
• Some impairment from the symptoms is present in two or more settings (e.g., at school [or work] and at home).
• There must be clear evidence of clinically significant impairment in social, academic, or occupational functioning.

Causes of ADHD

While the exact cause of ADHD is unknown, there seems to be a genetic component to ADHD. In addition, studies suggest that the brains of children with ADHD are different from those of other children. These children handle neurotransmitters (including dopamine, serotonin, and adrenalin) differently from their peers.