My Dad had a choice, he just didn't choose Us.
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Children of Divorced Parents
Bottom line, all statistics show that all first marriages in the US today, 50% will end in divorce.
My feeling is it must have been like this for some time now. Possibly because I am more sensitive to it, having been the eldest child fallen victim to a vicious divorce of my parents.
Close to 50 % reading this will relate and know exactly what I am talking about, or close enough. Are your parents divorced? Are you divorced? Possibly a child is divorced? We can count on the fact within our widened circle of family members, there is divorce.
All too common, for many reasons, what about the majority of children from ages 6 to 9, on average, at the time mom or dad leave for good.
So why am I different?
I'm not.
But at 43 years of age I am still effected by my parents divorce, and still pay their consequences, caught in the middle, as a result from it. These feelings of guilt, shame, responsibility, not being good enough, etc. filter my behaviors even now, as an adult. Not as magnified as when I was younger maybe, but just as effected.
Every divorce is different therefore every child grows up with stability, or more often than not, instability, causing emotional struggles. Struggles, that unless validated, stay with you forever.
Learned behavior,if you will.
My Story
I can remember the day, the exact moment, the precise time, my Dad, my hero, left for the last time. I was eight and Daddy's pet, his first born, a Navy Baby, one face, same personality and mannerisms as him. Basically I did everything I could, to be him.
The events that transpired in the following 4 years I believed shaped much of my emotional struggles, and coping behaviors, many still evident today.
No luggage, just a Rolex, a Sheepskin coat and a Corvette.
In turn, he left no money, no address, no phone number, or any apologies.
There was my younger sister, thankfully too young to understand, and my severely depressed mother, unable to work. She now would have a breakdown after hearing his reasoning's for flight.
I waited by the window for his return for I don't remember how many days. He was coming back, he was surely just mad again. He eventually always came back.
- I learned what abandonment was and what it was like to not feel worthy that even my Dad didn't care about me enough to call. I wasn't good enough. I grew fearing people leaving, so I learned to leave first and had very low self esteem, not feeling worthy of much. What was my purpose?
He was about to have a child (a boy), with his much younger blond secretary. She has never felt remorse about breaking apart a family.
- I learned Jealousy and again reaffirming I wasn't good enough, but a boy was. I spent years trying to be a boy so he'd come back. The worst of all, I learned he did not care, which caused me to doubt anything nice, anyone ever said.
My Dad had good money, we would never see a cent of it, as his new family lived in luxury. He had most of the furniture picked up, all 'his' belongings. We remained living in a Bungalow sleeping on carpets. The house was last to go, thankfully.
Was his family no longer part of ours?
- I felt out of place, like the black sheep of his family and laughed at or teased because their relative, known as our father, left us.
They married because my mom was pregnant, at the Marine barracks in Halifax Nova Scotia.
- I often wonder if he resented me because I was the reason he had to get tied down so young, leave the Navy. Did he ever love my mother or I?
It was his parents that helped us out the most for the first 6 months, or so. It was the same time, 6 months, we got a call from Dad explaining the needed time and was now living in British Columbia with his son and new wife. My mother, being the jewel that she is, agreed to allow him to fly my sister and I out for the summer.
- I tried to take my mothers pain away, and I couldn't. I was ashamed and therefore learned shame. The fighting and remarks about one another to me was so scary. I never knew what would happen next. This I learned to 'people please'. Saying whatever I could to each separately so they felt I agreed with them. I learned to lie constantly.
She was so scared. Scared of us getting hurt even worse and didn't know this wife and how she would treat us. She had been depressed a long time and the three of us were enormously effected.
- I stopped being a child and tried everything I could to care for my mother and play and watch my sister. I grew up really fast. Much faster than any child should.
We had spastic visors to Vancouver where we would be spoiled with gifts and clothes only to comeback to my mother who had nothing, and felt, she could give to us nothing.
- I felt guilty. It was my fault. If I had stayed away from my Father, my Mother would feel better. This is how I not just learned, but felt true guilt as a child. In a very adult way
Having to just hear about it, and live it, my Father never sent one cheque of alimony or child support. This I didn't understand but watched my mother make gifts and decorations using what she could around the house, for every holiday occasion.. We even got to make popcorn Christmas Trees, a few times. There was no money for store items, and quite frankly playing drums on pots and pans, was the best toy of all. How my mother ever endured that noise, Ill never know.
I do know she has always loved her daughters very much and fought many a battle alone, but persevered no matter what.
Custody
My father was a binge alcoholic since the Navy, and all that comes with a split personality as a raging drunk.
He decided he wanted his daughters now. His new wife would raise us. My mother had another breakdown. What to do, fighting a rich, married, seemingly but untrue stable family man. Then her, not even nice clothes to wear to court, no money, a boyfriend but wasn't about to marry until she was sure he wouldn't hurt her daughters.
Even more terrifying, what if her girls wanted to live in Texas, there were toys, nice clothes, warm weather, fast cars and their brother
- This was one of my second last learned behaviors. Watching my mother's fear, I learned to fear authorities and not believe. Like a judge or teacher.
The custody battle was viscous, and I didn't see my dad much during the three years that it did last. My mother's nerves were shot and she was angry all the time
- This was the final and biggest character defect I learned. Fault. This was all my fault. I could not make my mom happy, I couldn't see my dad, I couldn't focus in school and kept failing, putting me continually in Summer school. It was my fault because I started this whole mess by being conceived at the wrong time, with obviously from the wrong father. I love you meant I have to get off the phone, from him.
I was 12 now and my mom remarried-there's another whole story there.
God saw that Judge see through my fathers narcissistic, arrogant game and granted full custody of my sister and I to my mother.
Since that defeat, I never saw my father much until recently where I realized he was more abusive than I remember - split personalities. I have found peace knowing he is a very sick man and admiration for my mother who never gave up. I have ended any relationship with my father, as has my sister, but love and see my half brother.
Today I myself am shockingly divorced and my husband has full custody of my 11 year old daughter.
I am just effected, all over again. But not malicious. Rather full of love and protection for my daughter and the messages she receives.
Are your Parents Divorced?
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divorced parents
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Comments
May I offer you a great big hug?? This is such fascinating and courageous writing..You said, 'I was afraid of being left, so I left first.' You are so in touch with inner patterns/emotions. Just great, Kimberly! I feel sorry for all your hurt..:):)
Dan, thank you so so much
Hello, lyricsingray, I am so sorry because I know exactly what you are talking about. Our son is also very damaged and although I try very hard, like your mother, it still doesn't take the full damage away. All I can say 'they don't realize what they doing'. Those girls should be ashamed of themselves but I don't think they know 'shame'.
You wrote a great hub there and can be proud of it. Thank you.
Thank you Hello, I really appreciate your feedback and sharing, K.
thanks for sharing...... i have seen one of my best friends, struggle after her husband walked out on her and 3 children, the pain and suffering never ends.... it must be great to be able to get your feelings out ..... and i am sure you will be helping lots of others by telling your story.......
It was great to get my feelings out poetlorraine Thanks for your support
Reading your story just makes me want to cry. It sickens me that there are people in this world as horrible as your father. Thank God the judge saw him for who he really is and gave custody to your mom. Thank you for sharing this, your story will no doubt help many others. I hope your pain eases over time, although I know that it will never go away entirely. God bless you.
Chris wow thank you and God Bless you too
thanks for sharing my dear cousin......your writting has definately shed light on what happened to OUR family. Your dads behaviour affected everybody in your family!!!! for how many years were we not in contact???? your only cousins!!! his own parents suffered and continue to suffer to this day. You have come sooooo far......stay in touch with your feelings Kim, i can feel you healing> xoxoxox
ps... nana do ROCKS
Cous, so true, and the healing is going well, thank God, I have to
Lyricsingray... My humble words can only offer small comfort please know that your story here written may help another in such trying times, be warm in the comfort of a hug sent by a friend...
Thank you Hmrjmr, a friend in return, your words are so kind, I'm so glad I got to read them
The pain it took for you to write this my darling. I wish I could take it all away. You are truly a gem. You have proven it time and time again. thank you for having the power in you to share your feelings. IT was you children that where the hero's in the story ...truly the hero's ..What is to be learned out of this story is that it is the parent who part and if only it could stay there and let the children be children. Bless the children. for they do no wrong. Love you Kimberlyxxxx
Mom, you will always be my superhero Thank you and I love you
Well, divorce may have been best for my childhood as my daddy dies when I was 7. That was traumatic enough and so, so final. I can empathize with you though. I may tell more in a future hub, but then again, what can I add. It is painful enough and I too have made mistakes a father.
Your story brought tears to my eyes. Divorce can be a horrible things for children. My parents divorced when i was a child and your story really touched me. I wish you all the best you are a very strong person.
God bless you.
Ralwus, you have a good soul though and everyone makes honest mistakes,we are all just learning all the time, xo
keira, all too many of us know what it's like, thank you for your words, they touched me
Wow, Kimberly, I am so impressed with your honesty and courage. While I read this incredible tale I was rooting for your mom, and then I saw her comment, and the tears began to flow.
Our mothers are so very important!
Thanks
They really are Lorlie, thanks
Tragic story, Lyric. I was fortunate enough to have wonderful parents who were married for 60 years. I was divorced, however, when my kids were small, so I understand a little of what you went through. mmmmm (sending you an email hug!)
A virtual hug right back at cha girlfriend!
wow u write so well do u do any writing for magazines etc...
I wish northlondon, thanks love
Hi Kimberly, This is such a sad/strong/inspiring and unfortunately, common story. I kept wanting to scream at every line, "IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!" But kids always thinkit's their fault. I'm thrilled to see your Mom writing on here and supporting you.
Remember my dear friend, we shall not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. Live in the "now." And your NOW is pretty WOW.
Keep up the writing. You are amazing. Hugs, MM
Thanks MM, your amazing,and I'm so glad we did that interview-I'm going to email you and no, it was not my fault
Thank you for sharing this. My husbands parents are divorced and I know it still affects him. Know I have a better idea why.
lyricsingray, I want to ask a question.
What do you hope for in life right now?
Just want to find out your heart. If its too sensitive, please don't answer it.
A sad story but you are obviously a really courageous person. I take my hat off to you. It is lovely to see such a beautiful comment from your mom too. Keep on with your great writing!
Thank you. Really children are suffering. Please see my hubs and offer your valuable comments.
My parents divorced when I was in my 30s, and living overseas. I thought many times about insights a friend had shared with me years before about dealing with her parents' divorce when she was very young. It definitely helped.
R2moo, what a cool question; I want to get better health wise and fight this disease so i can have a fun, solid relationship with my family. Thanks for asking Hon,Kimberly
RM thanks for sharing, wow,that's late in life must have been bizarre to experience your parents divorce in your 30's-a whole new set of feelings! Thanks girl!
Wow Kimberly, we have even more in common than I thought...and your mom's comment made me cry too. Your story sounds all to familiar! Wendi
Wendi, we'll have to chat, I'm so glad you came by hon, cheers
Holy sh*t, Kim, you really have to know you don't have to harbor ANY feelings of blame or anything else regarding your parents divorce!
It makes good writing when you strip yourself naked but, hey, you really should know not to even subconsciously blame yourself for anything other than what truly WAS your fault! That's the last thing you need to do with your prior addiction troubles, okay?
To be blunt, sometimes you make it sound like you have enough trouble with the things that WERE your fault so don't go adding to that, okay?
Okay my sweet wsp,thank you for your kind words, always glad when you come around,Kim
Thank You for your honesty. It takes great courage to share all you did. I agree writing is healing. 'Talk about traveling the inner soul' The good news is 'God can turn ALL things for good to those that love him. (Phil:4) It is no mistake you started writing. I believe God has a big, wonderful plan for you, for me, for all that receive. There is a reason you are here, at hub pages. Hub pages is a wonderful place to belong. May you always walk with him. He will direct your path.
I too am divorced, in recovery & I have 3 beautiful daughters from 2 marriages. I lost both parent at a yong age. I have a priceless husband of 12 years.
The big, bad, dads turned out not to be not so bad after all.Sick yes, bad no. Like I had no part in the family illness. The chains stay on until they are broken. You made a choice to break the chains. You rock girl. Hang on for the ride of your life.
God is using you In a mighty way to help further his kingdom. He is the Father, that never lies always loves, never forsakes nor abandons us. There are many lost and they need loving hands. You can relate. I relate. Everyone that lives has had a broken heart. I do not think we would be human if we did not. Your sharing and caring is who you are. God Bless you sister. I hope you get that book publised you speak of. Visit my hubs when you get a minute. I am in the club. I will be back. Cheeriooo for 2day
Thank you so much ske2day. You too have had some challenges and overcame them. Why are you not in my forum 'addicts helping addicts' I hope to see you there, e need you, thanks for the beautiful comment, Kimberly
I can most definitely identify with you. My story has a few more twists though! My Mother and Father split up when I was 9, my Mother married my sister's a year later Father, they divorced 16 years later and my Mother re-married my Father who I had seen once in 12 years! No support came my way either! Talk about screwed up! I lost 2 Fathers!
Kebennett1, You definitely need to do a Hub on that. Thanks for sharing, and thanks for coming around, appreciate it
Heh, as a child of divorced parents, am 43 as you, and yes, your story sounds very familiar. I decided not to have children in my life, because I realized that I would repeat the story of divorse, due to the many emotional traumas...for healing them I needed many years. But, it would be even worse if my parents did not divorce: bad marriage is even worse solution.
Altough your divorce is shock for you, God never punish.Now you have the opportnity to heal your emotional wounds and give to YOURSELF the love you deserve! Everything will be fine at the end...
Thank you and you are so smart, K.
I felt honored to read some of your background ,thankyou for sharing some deep and tender memories with us all.
I read somewhere ,that there is no such thing as a 'good divorce' and until I went through it I never really 'got' what that meant. I liken it to the tides of an ocean, some days (weeks) treacherous, and others calm and pensive.
Then one day it feels like your on a different part of the beach, a better place even. The ocean didnt move , but you did.
Wonderful writing style my friend, keep up the great work~ to your best life!~Ekiwi Kia Kaha-Stay Strong! Kia Manawa-Stay Determined!
Thanks for sharing your story about your father. I feel sad also. I am very grateful still living with complete parents. I think you are very stronger facing this fact. You are tough woman. Two thumbs up for you.
Eaglekiwi, what beautiful words you write,I thank you and am thrilled you came by, K. The best to you as well.
Thank you again prasetio, you are very kind.
I too have seen many divorces and their aftereffects (parents, myself,several other brothers and sisters.)I have felt, and ridden the emotional roller coaster you so beautifully described in your hub. I also had to live with frequent physical abuse as well, most of my earliest memories are violent ones. How people can be so selfish when going through a divorce is beyond me! The children should ALWAYS come first, but seemingly rarely do. I too have been effected by my childhood all through my life, (fact is we all have a child inside (no matter what our age) that can effect our lives in so many ways.)
I have broken the mold though, when I divorced I never "used" my two children to get back at my ex. I think my children are very well adjusted adults and are successful in life, and I feel very proud of myself for the job I did in helping shape their future!
I love your writing lyricsingrey, and look forward to reading all your offerings. Keep sharing from your heart, and you could help others in more ways than you may ever know!
Jery, what a wonderful comment, and I thank you and am proud of you too, so happy for you that your children are well adjusted-your a good man, Kimberly
I can feel my heart aching while reading your hub. There's so much pain but I would like to think that you are okay now (you are, aren't you?). My parents got an annulment (equivalent to a divorce here) when all of us children were off-age and though we understood why, it did not stop us from getting hurt. But we were already grown-ups so we tried to accept our parents' decisions. If it was hard on us, I can't imagine how hard it is for children to see their parents go through a divorce.
Thank you very much for sharing a part of yourself in this hub. Take care and hope you're doing well.
emievil, thank you for sharing also, so glad you came by
What a powerfully written hub, I was very moved by your story and your mum's comments. It is plain to see that your mum loves you very much and is proud of you and with very good reason, thanks for allowing us to see into your life through your writing. You write really well
Thank you ever so kindly Maggs, you made my evening, glad you dropped by
I'm so sorry and sad to have read your story. Sending you a big hug from Colorado. Thank you so much for sharing this story. As sad as it is, it is helpful for others to read because so many people don't realize how much of an effect their actions have on others.
Jessica , thank you for such a beautiful comment, you are very kind, so glad you came by, K.
My heart is aching reading this. Its sooooooo unfair how you have suffered for the past 35 years since your father left. You must feel 20lbs lighter now being able to finally vocalize whats been going on internally. Keep on writing I'm feeling your HEALING. You have a long happy healthy life ahead of you!!! xo
Dina, I am healing and I thank you once again for coming around
Lyrics, I thought I commented on your story a couple of days ago! I must have read this and went to rest because I was so sad for you. It is so impressive, how you can go back and trace the reasons how and why you are. Your hubs are intriguing life lessons for any one, and your ability to share your stories makes us all the more wiser from reading them.
Thank you, for such a moving work. As your work always is.
Are you dead, you are so kind and I thank you, I am always so glad when you come by, thanks again.
Dear Kimberly: I am at a loss for words. You and your mom went through so much pain. Now your going through even more of it. I will pray that you get through it all O.K. May God Bless you Dear Heart.
Thanks stars439, I am doing well, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, it's a process but I am healing primarily through writing, as you have seen. Thank you so much for your comment and coming by. Bless.
lyricsingray says:
2 months ago
50% is pretty common, I wonder how man divorces effect the children in this manner. I suspect quite a few.