It is just never going to change, I hate that.

So I am lying in bed last night, 2:30 am, it’s quiet and a soft breeze is flowing in from the balcony door. My puppy is nestled up beside my hip sound asleep. I had just finished eating cake and drinking a coke so I was full and relaxed.

WRONG!

Despite not currently using, I had the strongest, longest, irritating, desperate craving for crack, cocaine. My old drug of choice.

No reason, I suppose just because I am an addict, it’s a disease and progressive, even clean. Did I mention for life?

God it was bad, so much so I started to sweat, I waited. I know what to do in these situations, Relapse Prevention; call your sponsor, change what your doing, get something nonalcoholic to drink, think it through, and pray. The craving will pass.

Instead, I chose to fly out of bed, Relapse Intention; trip over the sheet, made it to my desk and grabbed my cell phone.

I called a dealer, 20 minutes he said. I could not wait, I would be high in 25 minutes and this Jon-zing would stop. I miss drugs so much.

I was so excited, I was dressed and ready in 5 minutes. 15 min left to go, if I was lucky he was on time. Don’t complain if he’s not, don’t piss off the man who feeds you - at a high cost.

Tonight’s cost was $200 bucks, plus $20 for paraphernalia.

Now sitting at the end of the bed, sweater jacket on, ball cap and cell phone in my hands on my lap I swayed. I swayed back and forth-kept checking the phone in case I didn’t hear it or he sent a message he was early (which I know never happens).

My behavior was “insane” Even the dog, I swear looked at me strange. Some paranoia was kicking in. I would also have to commit the felony outside my apartment which I never use to do. Never let anyone in the drug world know where you live.

It seemed like hours, but every time I checked the clock, it had been 2 minutes. God, hurry up please. There, I prayed.

I started thinking while I wait why I was needing it so bad after all this time. I mean nothing was bothering me, I ad no stress or pain more than normal, I hadn’t used in some time, I have no friends that get high, my dog doesn’t smoke crack, so

Why? Why? WHY?

There is no answer, and I know as well as anybody the disease of addiction and alcoholism is a mental obsession with an uncontrollable physical addiction once it enters your body. Relapse Prevention; I was starting to think it through. After this that physical addiction would take over and then $200 a day would keep increasing as the progressive part of my disease is swift.

Cunning, Baffling, Powerful. Help me somebody. I took some apple juice and prayed, then finally, reluctantly, it’s so hard, but called my sponsor and we ended up laughing at my behavior.

The craving had passed but the dealer had not.

He was on the other line beeping my call waiting. He was here and pissed I am sure. I wasn’t picking up. Thank God I have never given out my apartment number.

He called for 15 minutes obsessively, and as rule, never leaving a message. Why not just tell him the truth. Ya right, I’d be picking up within minutes.

I’ve never pissed off a dealer before, and truthfully I don’t believe in coincidences, like my sponsor just happened to be on the phone. And she wasn’t getting off till he was gone and busy with his next prisoner.

Before my sponsor hung up and we were sure he was gone, she asked me an interesting question. “Kimberly I am proud of your clean time, but why were you holding onto the notion of relapsing anyway”? I replied this was sudden and impulsive and she chuckled kindly and told me to think then about why I would be holding onto a drug dealers number.

She was right - I really had three, and erased them from my phone. This was really hard to do. Like it completed my commitment to Recovery and dealing with feelings and no easy way out when it got hard.

It really was Relapse Intention all along, and peaking just earlier. Thankfully. Because the miracle is, it turned it into a greater learning for honesty and Relapse Prevention.

• I deny my fear
• I convince myself that
• I decide i'll never use/drink again
• I try to force sobriety on others
• I become overconfident about my recovery
• I behave compulsively
• I start isolating
• I make unrealistic or hazardous plans
• I live in the 'there and then'
• I start daydreaming of failure
• I view my problems as unsolvable
• I avoid having fun
• I overanalyze myself
• I become irritated by friends/family
• I am easily angered
• I begin blaming people, places and things and conditions for my problems
• I begin doubting m disease
• I start eating irregularly
• I experience periods of deep depression
• I develop an "I don't care" attitude
• I hoard money, sex or power
• I openly reject help
• I feel sorry for myself
• I have fantasies of social drinking/using
• I begin to lie consciously
• I begin to start using over the counter medications excessively
• I am overwhelmed with loneliness, frustration, anger and tension.
• I begin visiting drinking / using friends and places
• I convince myself I am cured
• I lose control
• I tell myself it's okay to deal- I can use the money and it's quick and easy

• Call your sponsor, the hotline, or another sober member of the program your in.  
• Stay in touch
• Keep going to meetings.  Remember the only requirement for membership is a DESIRE to stop using.
• Keep reaffirming your desire by getting newcomer chips
• Remember no matter what;

Keep Coming Back!  Allow the people in the rooms to love you until you can love yourself -

IT DOES WORK!

There is no shame in a relapse, but there is in not trying to come back for help to stop.

Bless.

ODAAT