10 Commandments to Avoid Being a Douchebag

Mel Gibson - Major Douche Bag.
Mel Gibson - Major Douche Bag.

If you would have told me, in the 90's, that Mel Gibson would end up being one of the biggest douchebags on the planet I would have laughed at you and then slapped your mother for raising such a fool. These are strange times, even the seemingly untouchable role models of our time are screaming ' Look at me, I'm a douchebag!'. Tiger Woods, wow, never in a million years did I see that one coming. Jesse James, I really wouldn't have anticipated that scenario because he seemed like a mans man who took care of his wife, who happened to be 'Americas Sweetheart', Sandra Bullock. It was heartwarming the way Sandra doted on him on her award winning tour only for Jesse to repay her with the humiliation tour of his own, what a douchebag. Even Lebron 'King' James appeared to be kind of a douchebag the way he went on television and burned Cleveland that way. That's alright though, because just like Alex Rodriguez, he'll never be mentioned as one of the greatest players ever, it's not even his team for Pete's sake! Karma's a real bitch.

Those are some of the douchebags that we see and hear about every day in the news and on the internet but what about the casual, average, everyday douchebags that we know, are related too or run into constantly? These people suck! If you are reading this and are thinking to yourself, 'hmm... I can't think of any' then I have some bad news friend, you are the douchebag. Fear not Mr. Summers Eve, it's not to late because I have ten commandments that will remove your pariah status and help integrate you back into the folds of normal society. One warning, if people do think your a douchebag than it will take work and a genuine desire to change and this doesn't happen overnight but if you're serious than sincerity will win out.

10 Commandments to Avoid Being a Douchebag

1. Pay Your Debts. Are you the guy that everyone comes up to asking if you have that $20 dollars you owe them? Do you proceed to tell them you are a little tight right now and then go out that night dropping a buck-twenty at the club? Nothing will put you in douchebag status quicker than not paying your debts. People lend you this money in good faith and are probably tight themselves, so pay them back before running out and buying that new 'sick' video game.

2. Braggarts Not Allowed. On the flip side, do you have copious amounts of coin and want everyone to know it? Do you go out and purchase the latest it item whether it's a car, clothing or electronic device and then talk about it endlessly to anyone within earshot? Do you feel that everyone must know about your trip or recent date with a supermodel? If this is you then you are a materialistic douchebag, stop it! Listen, having nice things is great and if you can afford to do it, even better. The key is letting your possesions and good fortune be an extension of your success and not the definition of it. People aren't blind and they know that your wallet is full and bragging about it will only make them feel bad and what's the point of that?

3. Thou Will Not Covet. Do you look at any girl a buddy is with and think 'she should be with me'? Are overly flirtatious and friendly to your best friends girl? Do you wish you had Jesse's Girl? This is a symptom of being a creepy douchebag. Leave the girl alone! She's not yours and she wouldn't be better off with you. That whole 'unattainable challenge' is tired and old, go out and get your own single girl and stay away from the attached ones.

4. Relationships Not Required. Do you fantasize about every attractive women you pass on the street? Do you try to hook up on a frequent basis? Are you married or in a relationship when you do this? Well knock knock. Who's there? You, the cheating, sleazy douchebag! This one seems so simple but even, so called stand up guys, screw this one up. If you want lots of promiscuous encounters then don't get married! Break up with your girlfriend! If your thinking that 'I don't want to hurt her.' is a good excuse than you're also a stupid douchebag. Grow a pair, end it or don't get into the relationship to begin with.

5. Shut Up. Do you tell offensive jokes because YOU think they're funny? Does your brain constantly tell you not to say something only to be ignored? Are violent, racist or sexist statements leaving your lips unchecked? If you answered yes to any, or more realistically all, of these questions than you are a douchebag that suffers from verbal diarrhea. This is a two step process; 1. Locate mouth. 2. Shut it. You're only funny or appealing to your douchebag friends, everyone else thinks that, well, you guessed it, you're just a douchebag. You're social status or dateability doesn't rise just because you look to see if the room is devoid of the party you're about to offend with an off colored joke.

6. Listen Up. Do you have no idea what the person you're talking to just said because you want to tell him about what happened on South Park last night? Are you constantly changing the subject to whatever's on your mind? If yes than you're a douchebag that needs to clean his ears out. The dialog coming from your conversation mate is just important to them as whatever you want to say is important to you. You learn so much more from your ears than your mouth. If you spend time concentrating on what the other person is saying than you might just be surprised at how rewarding listening can be.

7. Your Words Value is Priceless. Do you often make grandiose statements that start with 'I'm gonna'? Do you make commitments on a constant basis that you never follow through with? Do you throw out promises like they're going out of style? If so than you're a considered a worthless douchebag. It really is true that your word is gold and when you lose that, you have nothing. People would rather hear a 'no' than an unfollowed through 'yes', they can make alternate plans in that case. If you can't or have no desire to do something than don't commit to it. If you break too many commitments you'll find that when you eventually do follow through people will still respond negatively because you're still a douchebag.

8. Settle Down. Do you insist that everyone does shots at the beginning, middle and end of the evening? Are you the one who accepts any and every dare even if it's in jest? Do often wake up asking yourself 'did I really do that?' or even worse 'what did I do?'. If your nodding your head, while suppressing embarrassed laughter, than you're not just a douchebag your a fool as well. You're the guy that everyone is laughing at, not with. Here's some tips. Drink less, think it through and eliminate the 'I don't give a f@#k' attitude because you should give a f@#k. It is your reputation after all.

9. Care! It May Be Important to Them. Do you listen to other peoples problems thinking that they're over reacting, being drama queens or are just plain stupid? Are you too busy to be emotionally available for anybody? Do you really just not care? If you're rolling your eyes, thinking 'oh God, here we go again.' than your a first class, grade A douchebag! Everyone needs somebody and if you think you don't than it's gonna all come at once and you're probabely gonna need more than one person. Were all on this planet together and we should be there for each other. You may think that Mr. Jiggles was the most annoying cat ever but that was their pet and empathy, sympathy and a hug could go a long way for them.

10. It's Not All About You! The previous nine commandments all lead to this one. If you think that this world and everyone in it were created for your enjoyment, if your cocky or arrogant rather than confident, if your only care about yourself and no other than you're a douchebag. Try spending your energy on other people rather than just yourself. The rewards you receive are ten times greater than anything you could give yourself.

So there you have it! If this article helps even one douchebag then it was worth it because lets face it Karma's a real bitch.

8/27/2010

If you enjoyed this article please check out my new hub called Douchebag of the Week. Cheers!

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Comments 11 comments

ltfawkes profile image

ltfawkes 6 years ago from NE Ohio

This is really good stuff. Plus, if you take everything you described in each of the ten points, and rolled them all together into one big douchebag . . . I think I know that guy!

L.T.


Skaditch profile image

Skaditch 6 years ago from Los Angeles Author

I don't think that big of a douche bag is salvageable! Thanks Itfawkes!


KT Banks profile image

KT Banks 6 years ago from Texas

Umm...Do you mind if I print this and send it to a few people?


Skaditch profile image

Skaditch 6 years ago from Los Angeles Author

KT Banks, that's cool, I don't mind at all. Thanks!


TruthAwake profile image

TruthAwake 6 years ago from The Dirty South

Oh, wow. This brightened my day. I lold. Hilarious and true! Can't help mentally check-listing these things for a guy I know, he fit most requirements! Thanks for confirming my suspicions. Ha ha. Seems we all know at least a guy or two like this at some point in our lives. Nice hub, sir. =)


Skaditch profile image

Skaditch 6 years ago from Los Angeles Author

Thanks a lot TruthAwake!


Ryan 4 years ago

"If you would have told me, in the 90's, that Mel Gibson would end up being one of the biggest douchebags on the planet I would have laughed at you and then slapped your mother for raising such a fool. "

"Do you tell offensive jokes because YOU think they're funny? Does your brain constantly tell you not to say something only to be ignored? Are violent, racist or sexist statements leaving your lips unchecked? If you answered yes to any, or more realistically all, of these questions than you are a douchebag "

There is a slight disconnect between these two statements.


Andy McGuire profile image

Andy McGuire 3 years ago from Los Angeles, CA

This is a great article. I really want to defend Mel Gibson and just say that he got drunk and said stupid drunk things and that Catholicism has ruined his mind, but I realize that the only reason I truly want to defend him is because he was Martin Riggs.

And Mad Max.

And William Wallace.

Also, I totally saw the Jesse James "twist ending- he's a douche!" coming. I mean, the dude is a hard edged motorcycling "bad boy-type." Of COURSE he's gonna cheat on you!

Well anyway, you keep up the humorous writing and check me out, I write funny articles too. Mostly.


Brice . 3 years ago

how dare you to say that about Mel gibson ? Mad Max are you old enough to seen this ? even one of he is last movie Get the Gringo ,he still awsome !! it is not because he like to drink ,what's wrong with that ? get things right !!!


Tyler 3 years ago

This advice (particularly the first piece, regarding debts), has given me the wake-up call that I needed...

I have lost a lot of possessions, which were lent to me in the past, and as a consequence, I have accumulated a lot of personal debt. I never realized how frequently I said, "I can't afford to pay you back right now" even though I would end up spending more than I intend to on impulse purchases during a grocery run the next week, or a couple of weeks later. It has never occurred to me to go back and to pay them back because my impulse has been to run away from all of my problems for so long...

This article has demonstrated the importance of making my debt repayment a top priority in my life. Thank you for writing it.


Johnny 3 years ago

Good points, but the douchebag that wrote this should improve his grammar. Please know the difference between "then" and "than".

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