10 "Super-Easy" Ways To Defeat Superman

FOR YEARS AND YEARS . . . comic book icon, legend, and true, blue super hero, Superman, has had it made in the shade. Literally. And figuratively. No wonder envy eats me up everyday. Living and growing inside of me eating-away at my moral being. I know. So do not get realistically-psychiatrical with me. Superman is a fictitious character. He really doesn't exist. I get that. So please do not bother with the deeply-embedded reasons why "I" allow this torment. This envy of huge proportions continue to consume my very life. I really can't put a finger on the reason why.

WHEN I SAY . . . "had it made," I mean no matter the villain. The danger. The dark circumstance. Superman always wins. And wins big. Okay, I will gladly concede that Superman is no "glory hog," for he humbly and softly just says, "thanks," winks at Lois Lane and flies off somewhere. What a man. What a hero. What a superman! That's our Superman. America's favorite hero of all-time. Easily-eclipsing the epic escapades of The Incredible Hulk and Marvel Comics' cutesy cute, Spider-man. Yes, Superman really has no competition to speak of. He is impossbile to beat in any type of battle. With any type of weapon. No matter the evildoer. Superman is always on his game.

YIKES! WHAT IS THAT?

I think I will stop writing for a moment and see if I can tell what that is in the distance. While we are waiting, are you having a good day? Good. I am always glad to hear when my friends are doing well.

I see something coming, but cannot make out what or whom it is. Now I see! Yes! It is none other than . . .hey, what's that noise . . .

IT'S A BIRD! IT'S A PLANE . . .OH, YOU KNOW THE REST . . .

IT'S SUPERMAN, WHO ALWAYS KNOWS HOW TO MAKE A GRAND ENTRACE. AND IF I HAD HIS POWERS, BUDDY, I WOULD DO THE SAME.
IT'S SUPERMAN, WHO ALWAYS KNOWS HOW TO MAKE A GRAND ENTRACE. AND IF I HAD HIS POWERS, BUDDY, I WOULD DO THE SAME.

People in Superman's life . . .

JERRY SIEGEL, CO-CREATOR OF SUPERMAN.
JERRY SIEGEL, CO-CREATOR OF SUPERMAN.
JOE SHUSTER, CO-CREATOR OF SUPERMAN.
JOE SHUSTER, CO-CREATOR OF SUPERMAN.
SUPERMAN'S ARCH ENEMY, LEX LUTHOR.
SUPERMAN'S ARCH ENEMY, LEX LUTHOR.
MODERN VERSION OF SUPERMAN.
MODERN VERSION OF SUPERMAN.
PISTOLS, NO MATTER THE SIZE OR AMMUNITION, CAN PENETRATE SUPERMAN'S BODY OF STEEL.
PISTOLS, NO MATTER THE SIZE OR AMMUNITION, CAN PENETRATE SUPERMAN'S BODY OF STEEL.
THE SUPER-VILLAIN, "REPTILE" WAS NO MATCH FOR SUPERMAN, THE MAN OF STEEL.
THE SUPER-VILLAIN, "REPTILE" WAS NO MATCH FOR SUPERMAN, THE MAN OF STEEL.
THIS IS SUPERMAN'S GIRL COUSIN, THE HOT SUPERGIRL. SHE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS STORY. JUST THOUGHT THAT MY GUY FRIENDS WOULD LOVE TO SEE HER.
THIS IS SUPERMAN'S GIRL COUSIN, THE HOT SUPERGIRL. SHE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS STORY. JUST THOUGHT THAT MY GUY FRIENDS WOULD LOVE TO SEE HER.
UH, OH! IS THERE ANY GREEN KRYPTONITE AROUND? SUPERMAN LOOKS MIGHTY WEAK.
UH, OH! IS THERE ANY GREEN KRYPTONITE AROUND? SUPERMAN LOOKS MIGHTY WEAK.
ONLY THE YELLOW SUN OF PLANET EARTH CAN GIVE SUPERMAN HIS SUPER POWERS.
ONLY THE YELLOW SUN OF PLANET EARTH CAN GIVE SUPERMAN HIS SUPER POWERS.

When Joe Siegel and John Shuster breathed life into Superman in 1933, they made him impossible to beat by any evil force or entity. Anywhere. America loved Superman from the start. It was "light speed at first sight," for the throngs of children who faithfully bought Action Comics and later DC Comics to follow their hero, Superman, in his various adventures. Some times, the circumstances looked dim for "The Man of Steel," but in the end, and in the storied American Way, Superman always won.

Except the one time that DC Comics pulled probably the biggest bone-head blunder of comic book history. The so-called genius writers of Superman decided to simply "kill-off," Superman. Remember that flop of an idea? It rates up there on the "Stupidity Meter" as number two, one away from "the" number one stupid idea of all ages, when Coca-Cola decided that their product needed to be changed. Wha . . .? What? Yep. To briefly elaborate. Coke was already the most-popular soft drink in the world--worth billions and some dunce, probably the CEO's dim-witted nephew who was about to drop-out of Brown University, said, "hey, guys. Coke needs to be changed." And we know how that went down. Superman being "killed" was typically stupid.

DC Comics made Superman (get this!), reform into three separate Super-beings. Then he was reborn into this ignorantly-dressed in some omni-sexual space suit, no cape, and with shades. I recall this day of stupidity when I worked at our local paper, The Journal Record in Hamilton, Alabama. My good friend and managing editor, Les Walters, gave me the photo of this Superman-travesty, and said, "write me an editorial on this," and buddy, I did. I was proud of the Anti-New Superman stance I took. I just wanted to share that.

Back to Superman and his life, if you are a fan of Superman, you are now in agreement with me that no force, sub-human or human, be it monster, space alien, or fleshly evil in the form of Lex Luthor, or any of Superman's enemies, could take our buddy, Superman in any type of fight. No nuclear missile, bomb or artillery design could phase Superman, only green kryptonite, that made him weak in the knees. This and only this could hurt Superman and Lex Luthor tried on numerous occasions to "kill" Superman (a true paradox) in many DC Comics publications.

All I can say is, "foolish, foolish Lex and the other so-called "evil" guys and girls who tried in vain to hurt Superman," for if the writers at DC Comics had just thought of calling me, well, I could tell them how "I" would have beaten Superman, but not killed him out of our lives. That in itself is a pretty-dumb idea of you ask me or not.

So without any more yakking, I am proud to unveil for your reading pleasure, entertainment and maybe comic-education, "10 'Super-Easy' Ways to Defeat Superman," which by the way, ARE FOR SALE BY ME, TODAY, TO DC COMICS at a price that they can surely afford.

#10. Have some slow-witted thug walk up to Clark Kent, Superman's alias, in the editorial department of the Daily Planet and shoot him numerous times with a handgun. And when Kent "acts" as if he is shot, the thug could quickly pull back his white Van Heusen shirt and expose his Superman uniform underneathth. Then the smug thug could simply say, "Lois, Mr. (Perry) White, ask Mr. Kent why my 10 gunshots didn't harm him? Bam! Superman has lots to explain. Sure, the thug is jailed. Then released, but you cannot "kill" Superman with a gunshot.

#9. Have a gang of super-hot chicks "act" like they are in danger and scream to the top of their lungs. Superman, being the gentlemanly-hero that he is, would swoop down into the dangerous dark alley where these chicks are in panic-mode to help them. Then the lead chick, Lex Luthor's niece, "Lacey," would squirt Superman with sultry-smelling perfume mixed with Kryptonite. Superman goes down. But is saved when he confesses to be Clark Kent to "Lacey," who records his confession for later use by her uncle Lex.

#8. The prime minster of Spain invites Superman to have some fun and cheer-up the local kids by "fighting" a prize bull, "Lamo," and Superman accepts as the number one diplomat of America. But Superman doesn't realize that the bull's horns are coated with Kryptonite and he is gored several times by "Lamo," as the prime minister, also Lex Luthor's cousin, looks on in "surprise."

#7. Lois Lane, in a super-suspicious mood, decides to trap Superman by placing high-speed cameras in her luxury apartment. But invites Clark Kent to dinner as a gesture of friendship. Before dinner, she excuses herself to the bathroom and lunges back into the living room being attacked by this evil mutant grizzly bear named, "Crush." Lois screams for help. Without thinking, Superman dons his Superman uniform on hidden camera and helps Lois by destroying "Crush." Later in the story, Lois lovingly-blackmails Clark by showing him the photos of him changing into Superman. For payment, Clark disappears when the really big news stories come up allowing Lois to "scoop" competing papers.

#6. While out for a leisurely walk, Clark Kent is ambushed in the park by a roving band of gypsies transported through time to modern day America to get Superman on orders from a young Lex Luthor back in time. They dowse Clark Kent with lethal acid that eats his suit off exposing his Superman uniform to innocent by-standers who capture this on their 4G T-Mobile cellphones. Superman is caught. He is so stunned, he doesn't capture th evil gypsies and just "fesses up" to his masquerade.

#5. Amazing Grace, a beautiful girl villain, charms Superman into believing that she has "gone straight," and invites him to dinner. He relaxes and dines on her fine cooking. Then she laughs in an evil tone and reveals that her soup contains Kryptonite that causes Superman some discomforting diarrhea. The only antidote is for Superman to break into Fort Knox and pay her off with one-billion dollars in gold bars.

#4. Clark Kent, the reporter, is set-up by a team of highly-intelligent actors who are in effect, master criminals. They dress up like Batman and Superman robbing a liquor store and allow themselves to be arrested. Then by some scientific means, the clever villains escape jail and when the real Superman catches them, "he" is arrested for the crooks are now in dress clothes. But the police still think that Superman is on the loose. He is taken to prison. Stands trial. And the prosecuting attorney, "Janey," a gorgeous blond, and third cousin to Lex Luthor asks Superman under oath, "who is your secret identity?" And you can take it from there.

#3. Superman, on a mission in the jungles of darkest Bolivia, meets a voodoo priest who casts a spell on him. Since Superman cannot withstand magic, he goes mad and confesses in live television on a world-wide network who he really is. Where he came from and he is reading what the voodoo priest, "Len Ting-Jay," has written for him. By the way, "Len Ting-Jay," is Lex Luthor's distant cousin when Lex was a "rounder" and dated numerous women, both domestic and foreign.

#2. Lois Lane gets fed-up with Clark's excuses for always being somewhere else when Superman is around, so one day, out of sheer frustration and anger, she pokes her fingers through his fake glasses in front of the office staff of the Daily Planet. Clark's expression in the comic book is priceless.

#1. Jimmy Olsen, Superman's best buddy, is brainwashed (an easy task), by evildoers from The Phantom Zone, a place where criminals from Superman's planet, Krypton, are held, and is told that Superman has used him over the years for information and beating him out of many good paychecks. Olsen calls a news conference and on live television, shows actual photos of Clark Kent disrobing into Superman and other embarrassing pieces of information.

You see, it is not that hard to "beat" Superman. All it takes is, or doesn't take, is hard work and strained imaginations.

Just common sense. One thing that all of Superman's enemies never had.



THE ORIGINAL SUPERMAN

APPEARED IN "ACTION COMICS" IN FEBRUARY 1942. AND WHAT A LIFE AND LEGACY HE HAS BUILT.
APPEARED IN "ACTION COMICS" IN FEBRUARY 1942. AND WHAT A LIFE AND LEGACY HE HAS BUILT.

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Comments 17 comments

angela_michelle profile image

angela_michelle 4 years ago from United States

Being a superman fan, this was mildly amusing. Seriously though, the picture of Supergirl, you can't honestly say THAT is sexy. Her hips are like ten times the size of her waist! :) I guess we all have our thing! Rated up, funny, awesome, and interesting!


Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks 4 years ago from Brownsville,TX

actually I like Lex Luther..LOl.. great hub.. superman is a favorite of mine.

voted and and funny and interesting

Take care.

Be blessed

Debbie


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS

A delightful romp across the dimensions of Krypton through the canyons of Metropolis. I will need to read it more thoroughly. I was more a Wonder-Woman fan, you see - at least I was till I got an eyeful of Christopher Reeve in his Superman suit! He wasn't bad in his brown Clark Kent newsman's suit, either!

But this is not a hub to start after midnight. It deserves more wakeful attention. Good work, Kenneth.


Chatkath profile image

Chatkath 4 years ago from California

Super interesting Kenneth! I love super heroes-timelessly classic!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Angela . . .thank you sincerely for your comment. I appreciate your honesty. I put Supergirl on here for the guys who follow my off-beat hubs. Now Helen Slater was THE ideal Supergirl, in my opinion. Wonder where she is now? Thanks again and visit with me often.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Deborah . . .Thank YOU for your sweet and "super" comment. I loved it. Lex wasn't all bad. At one time in his young life, he was FOR the right and good. He might have been a tad TOO good for DC Comics' writers, so they wrote him into an evildoer. Oh well. Life is strange in comicland.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Nellieanna, yes, I liked Wonder Woman too. The TV show with Linda Carter, a rather gorgeous brunette. But the show didn't help her acting credentials that much. I miss her on TV. And Nellie, thanks for the nice comment. You may now RE-READ this hub with my blessings.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Chatkath, thank you kindly for your comment that I sincerely appreciate. I used to have a big Chiquita banana box FULL of various comic books I had saved over the years. When I married, for some dumb reason, I gave them to my brother-in-law and God Himself only knows where they are now. Suddenly I am sad.

Talk to you later,

Kenneth


ImKarn23 profile image

ImKarn23 4 years ago

Hmmmm...Superman addiction? I don't believe i'm aware of a group for that! I do, however, respect your commitment to your topic - if only borne out of sheer envy! I think a better end for Superman would have been a voluntary hanging up of the cape and the package-enhancing tights - in favor of using his superpowers to pursue and entrance Wonder Woman - sprouting all sorts of mini-super-kids who could save the planet from all the evil politicians ala Sexy Lexy - but worse!


PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 4 years ago from Portland, Oregon

superman is by far my least favorite super hero but, kenneth, like any good writer, you made me interested. Great article. Fascinating and fun!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Warm greetings, ImKarn . . .your comment scares me. LOL. You could easily write a gothic comic book and take down all of the heroes that have made names for themselves. You, by far, are better than I. I am glad to concede that to you. And actually, no, not a Superman addiction, but a mixed bag of dark humor fused with tongue-in-cheek, but no slapstick. For that is too messy.

Visit with me again and allow me to take a tour of that fascinating mind of yours.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, PDXKaraokeGuy . . .Ive always held strong the belief that Batman could easily be "snuffed out" with a .38 at close range. Joker, Penguin, Riddler, Catwoman were smart, but not smart enough to visit their local pawn shop for a snub-nose .38, get in point-blank range and bust a few caps--in the comic book version of Batman before he had a bullet-proof costume. Rats to that Tim Burton!

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

@ PDXKaraokeGuy . . .one more . . ."Holy Saturday Night Special, Batman," that Kenneth Avery knows our weakness. What will we do?"

Batman: "Elementary, ol' chum. Put our hands up.


Matthew 4 years ago

There's alternative type sites both straight and gay in which Superman is defeated many times... and occasionally is killed off, but mostly used sexually. The ideas are so plentiful... from being defeated by characters such as Sandman who builds a sleeping machine that only Superman's super hearing can fall asleep to. And also a vampire that sucks Superman's blood... who then turns semi-good from the pure kypto-blood, and can venture out doors in the sunlight. Occasionally magic is used to defeat Supes, and occasionally drugs of various combinations. There was nerve-guy that played with Superman nervous system. And a weakling that was about to steal power from Supes... the story seem to be very creative.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Matthew, you are so right. Superman's writers have actually created a comic paradox in the fact that his name is (SUPER)man, but has various weaknesses existing in his space.

Id love to write only one scipt for Superman where an older, more evil Luthor, creates, of course, a potion that is odorless and puts it in Clark's non-sweet tea and make Superman very cocky and arrogant . . .tells Lois, "Babe, when a woman is with Superman, she never goes back to normal men," and he even smokes a bit and tell me this. Did he EVER have a beard living in earth's sun? Id have him with a Five O Clock Shadow and team up with Bruce Willis as his new Jimmy Olsen. . .Id better stop now before you and I vanish and start working for DC Comics, which wouldn't be a bad thing, maybe a lucrative move for both of us.

Kenneth


Taranwanderer profile image

Taranwanderer 13 months ago

Lol at the above comment on Superman the jerk hahaha. I've always found it kind of silly that superman is so enamored of a regular woman - he should be playing the field and have dozens of girlfriends!

https://letterpile.com/books/Superman-vs-Incredibl...


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 13 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Tarawanderer

Are you tagging me as a jerk? My comment is the one above. If you are in fact doing this, you are not only wrong, but have no reason to resort to name-calling just because you disagree with my views. Okay?

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