10 "Super-Easy" Ways To Defeat Superman
FOR YEARS AND YEARS . . . comic book icon, legend, and true, blue super hero, Superman, has had it made in the shade. Literally. And figuratively. No wonder envy eats me up everyday. Living and growing inside of me eating-away at my moral being. I know. So do not get realistically-psychiatrical with me. Superman is a fictitious character. He really doesn't exist. I get that. So please do not bother with the deeply-embedded reasons why "I" allow this torment. This envy of huge proportions continue to consume my very life. I really can't put a finger on the reason why.
WHEN I SAY . . . "had it made," I mean no matter the villain. The danger. The dark circumstance. Superman always wins. And wins big. Okay, I will gladly concede that Superman is no "glory hog," for he humbly and softly just says, "thanks," winks at Lois Lane and flies off somewhere. What a man. What a hero. What a superman! That's our Superman. America's favorite hero of all-time. Easily-eclipsing the epic escapades of The Incredible Hulk and Marvel Comics' cutesy cute, Spider-man. Yes, Superman really has no competition to speak of. He is impossbile to beat in any type of battle. With any type of weapon. No matter the evildoer. Superman is always on his game.
YIKES! WHAT IS THAT?
I think I will stop writing for a moment and see if I can tell what that is in the distance. While we are waiting, are you having a good day? Good. I am always glad to hear when my friends are doing well.
I see something coming, but cannot make out what or whom it is. Now I see! Yes! It is none other than . . .hey, what's that noise . . .
IT'S A BIRD! IT'S A PLANE . . .OH, YOU KNOW THE REST . . .
People in Superman's life . . .
When Joe Siegel and John Shuster breathed life into Superman in 1933, they made him impossible to beat by any evil force or entity. Anywhere. America loved Superman from the start. It was "light speed at first sight," for the throngs of children who faithfully bought Action Comics and later DC Comics to follow their hero, Superman, in his various adventures. Some times, the circumstances looked dim for "The Man of Steel," but in the end, and in the storied American Way, Superman always won.
Except the one time that DC Comics pulled probably the biggest bone-head blunder of comic book history. The so-called genius writers of Superman decided to simply "kill-off," Superman. Remember that flop of an idea? It rates up there on the "Stupidity Meter" as number two, one away from "the" number one stupid idea of all ages, when Coca-Cola decided that their product needed to be changed. Wha . . .? What? Yep. To briefly elaborate. Coke was already the most-popular soft drink in the world--worth billions and some dunce, probably the CEO's dim-witted nephew who was about to drop-out of Brown University, said, "hey, guys. Coke needs to be changed." And we know how that went down. Superman being "killed" was typically stupid.
DC Comics made Superman (get this!), reform into three separate Super-beings. Then he was reborn into this ignorantly-dressed in some omni-sexual space suit, no cape, and with shades. I recall this day of stupidity when I worked at our local paper, The Journal Record in Hamilton, Alabama. My good friend and managing editor, Les Walters, gave me the photo of this Superman-travesty, and said, "write me an editorial on this," and buddy, I did. I was proud of the Anti-New Superman stance I took. I just wanted to share that.
Back to Superman and his life, if you are a fan of Superman, you are now in agreement with me that no force, sub-human or human, be it monster, space alien, or fleshly evil in the form of Lex Luthor, or any of Superman's enemies, could take our buddy, Superman in any type of fight. No nuclear missile, bomb or artillery design could phase Superman, only green kryptonite, that made him weak in the knees. This and only this could hurt Superman and Lex Luthor tried on numerous occasions to "kill" Superman (a true paradox) in many DC Comics publications.
All I can say is, "foolish, foolish Lex and the other so-called "evil" guys and girls who tried in vain to hurt Superman," for if the writers at DC Comics had just thought of calling me, well, I could tell them how "I" would have beaten Superman, but not killed him out of our lives. That in itself is a pretty-dumb idea of you ask me or not.
So without any more yakking, I am proud to unveil for your reading pleasure, entertainment and maybe comic-education, "10 'Super-Easy' Ways to Defeat Superman," which by the way, ARE FOR SALE BY ME, TODAY, TO DC COMICS at a price that they can surely afford.
#10. Have some slow-witted thug walk up to Clark Kent, Superman's alias, in the editorial department of the Daily Planet and shoot him numerous times with a handgun. And when Kent "acts" as if he is shot, the thug could quickly pull back his white Van Heusen shirt and expose his Superman uniform underneathth. Then the smug thug could simply say, "Lois, Mr. (Perry) White, ask Mr. Kent why my 10 gunshots didn't harm him? Bam! Superman has lots to explain. Sure, the thug is jailed. Then released, but you cannot "kill" Superman with a gunshot.
#9. Have a gang of super-hot chicks "act" like they are in danger and scream to the top of their lungs. Superman, being the gentlemanly-hero that he is, would swoop down into the dangerous dark alley where these chicks are in panic-mode to help them. Then the lead chick, Lex Luthor's niece, "Lacey," would squirt Superman with sultry-smelling perfume mixed with Kryptonite. Superman goes down. But is saved when he confesses to be Clark Kent to "Lacey," who records his confession for later use by her uncle Lex.
#8. The prime minster of Spain invites Superman to have some fun and cheer-up the local kids by "fighting" a prize bull, "Lamo," and Superman accepts as the number one diplomat of America. But Superman doesn't realize that the bull's horns are coated with Kryptonite and he is gored several times by "Lamo," as the prime minister, also Lex Luthor's cousin, looks on in "surprise."
#7. Lois Lane, in a super-suspicious mood, decides to trap Superman by placing high-speed cameras in her luxury apartment. But invites Clark Kent to dinner as a gesture of friendship. Before dinner, she excuses herself to the bathroom and lunges back into the living room being attacked by this evil mutant grizzly bear named, "Crush." Lois screams for help. Without thinking, Superman dons his Superman uniform on hidden camera and helps Lois by destroying "Crush." Later in the story, Lois lovingly-blackmails Clark by showing him the photos of him changing into Superman. For payment, Clark disappears when the really big news stories come up allowing Lois to "scoop" competing papers.
#6. While out for a leisurely walk, Clark Kent is ambushed in the park by a roving band of gypsies transported through time to modern day America to get Superman on orders from a young Lex Luthor back in time. They dowse Clark Kent with lethal acid that eats his suit off exposing his Superman uniform to innocent by-standers who capture this on their 4G T-Mobile cellphones. Superman is caught. He is so stunned, he doesn't capture th evil gypsies and just "fesses up" to his masquerade.
#5. Amazing Grace, a beautiful girl villain, charms Superman into believing that she has "gone straight," and invites him to dinner. He relaxes and dines on her fine cooking. Then she laughs in an evil tone and reveals that her soup contains Kryptonite that causes Superman some discomforting diarrhea. The only antidote is for Superman to break into Fort Knox and pay her off with one-billion dollars in gold bars.
#4. Clark Kent, the reporter, is set-up by a team of highly-intelligent actors who are in effect, master criminals. They dress up like Batman and Superman robbing a liquor store and allow themselves to be arrested. Then by some scientific means, the clever villains escape jail and when the real Superman catches them, "he" is arrested for the crooks are now in dress clothes. But the police still think that Superman is on the loose. He is taken to prison. Stands trial. And the prosecuting attorney, "Janey," a gorgeous blond, and third cousin to Lex Luthor asks Superman under oath, "who is your secret identity?" And you can take it from there.
#3. Superman, on a mission in the jungles of darkest Bolivia, meets a voodoo priest who casts a spell on him. Since Superman cannot withstand magic, he goes mad and confesses in live television on a world-wide network who he really is. Where he came from and he is reading what the voodoo priest, "Len Ting-Jay," has written for him. By the way, "Len Ting-Jay," is Lex Luthor's distant cousin when Lex was a "rounder" and dated numerous women, both domestic and foreign.
#2. Lois Lane gets fed-up with Clark's excuses for always being somewhere else when Superman is around, so one day, out of sheer frustration and anger, she pokes her fingers through his fake glasses in front of the office staff of the Daily Planet. Clark's expression in the comic book is priceless.
#1. Jimmy Olsen, Superman's best buddy, is brainwashed (an easy task), by evildoers from The Phantom Zone, a place where criminals from Superman's planet, Krypton, are held, and is told that Superman has used him over the years for information and beating him out of many good paychecks. Olsen calls a news conference and on live television, shows actual photos of Clark Kent disrobing into Superman and other embarrassing pieces of information.
You see, it is not that hard to "beat" Superman. All it takes is, or doesn't take, is hard work and strained imaginations.
Just common sense. One thing that all of Superman's enemies never had.
THE ORIGINAL SUPERMAN
More by this Author
A 3002-word essay on (a) fear of mine that I've carried since age seven.
I didn't attend this event.
Riding with Dr. Thompson was not boring, but now it's over.