Lemon County: No Crying In Baseball....

There's no crying in baseball...
There's no crying in baseball...

The (Be)Little League

Forgive me, I had no idea; I though sport was a pastime, a fun game to be played, preferably while getting some fresh air with some friends. Naive I know, but I have a genetic excuse.

I learned ‘sports’ in England, oh yes, cricket, rugby, the whole shebang. The emphasis was on playing the game well, showing good sportsmanship, play hard, be proud if you lose, gracious to the winner, the game’s the thing… you get the picture.

In ‘Lemon County’, sport is one of the religions. Playing is simply a means to the all-important point of winning. Winning is everything. Losing is soul scarring and not permissible under any circumstances.

My introduction to LC sports came courtesy of the little league. Both sons signed up, and joining the bleacher-seated group of parents I learned all about the game. First it is absolutely OK to shout at nine year olds, in fact, it is expected. The primary shouters are big, loud dads, called coaches. They are allowed to shout at the boys from inside the fence. The fence is like a salad bar sneeze-shield, stopping food and other objects being hurled by the mob, from reaching the children standing on the hallowed green bit. Insults, and obvious remarks, get through, however.

I’m not exactly sure how the points are earned, but I believe making a child cry doubles whatever you have. The coaches, and assistant coaches (that would be everyone else) watch closely for any mistake, and when it happens, shout loudly at the child committing the error, to see if you can get him to cry, and thus earn points.

Making sure this is kept under control is a man called the umpire. He needs to be old, fat and blind, (illegitimate too, I believe,) and he gets to wear special clothes that protect him from insults. If the coach wants to insult the umpire, he has to stand very close, get red in the face, and kick some of the specially bought in red dirt, onto his shoes.

There are two phrases you have to learn if you are watching the spectacle, “good…” and “way to…” If the child holding the bat misses the ball, for example, you can say “good eye”, or “way to stand there.”

“Way to…” is my personal favorite as you can add ‘bunt’ or ‘choke up’ (surprisingly, nothing to do with crying) all the way up to, ‘way to be’ (eat your heart out Descartes.)

There are two principal players, the son’s of the coaches, and a bunch of their friends. The players get to throw the ball, which I learned is called pitching, and to hit the ball with an aluminum tube called a bat. The best friend is then recruited from the nearest hockey team. He turns up in his hockey gear and crouches down behind the umpire for safety. His only job is to not get hit by the ball, and then throw his facemask onto the ground and act all agitated. The pitcher and the catcher (oxymoron alert) then talk in sign language about how all the rest of their friends are idiots, and that the batter’s butt smells.

If you are friends of the pitching guy, you get to stand around on the grass and watch him. (He gets to stand on a little hill to make sure they all have a good view.) If you could possibly catch a ball, you get to stand next to a square cushion. (I believe the cushions smell really nice, because the batting guys always want to dive into them and put their noses on them.) If you are ball averse, you get to be called names by the other boys and stand in what is known as the outhouse, or outfield, or something ‘out’. When a ball goes anywhere near these boys, you have to shout extra loud because they are so far away. (For their safety, there is a fence to stop them from going too far ‘out’.)

When the coaches’ son who is pitching gets tired or bored, he lets the other coaches’ son have a go. His friends have to run as fast as they can into a fenced area called a dugout. The friends of the new pitcher then run onto the field to find their positions (usually standing, but crouching is also OK.)

The game goes on until midnight, and the team with the worst runs is called the winner (The boys in the dugout sing about diarrhea which certainly helps in the old run department.)

The winning team then gets to gloat and go for pizza and not do homework for a week. The losers have to hang their head in shame, sometimes cry (but no points are awarded) and get to be told by their dad what all their mistakes were on the long ride home in the back of the family SUV.

Anyone threatening to explain the game any further to me, will be treated to a two-hour diatribe on cricket without a tea break…


Dear Hub Reader


If you enjoy this hub, please check out my book,

Homo Domesticus; A Life Interrupted By Housework,

A collection of my best writings woven into a narrative on a very strange year in my life.

Available directly from:

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Chris


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Comments 15 comments

prasetio30 profile image

prasetio30 6 years ago from malang-indonesia

Nice hub, my friend. This shown your passion in sport. I am glad to know your thought about this. Very well written. I love your work. Thank you very much.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

prasetio30

Thank you for reading. Unlike a stand up comic, I have no way to gauge audience response, so I really appreciate your feedback!

Chris


suziecat7 profile image

suziecat7 6 years ago from Asheville, NC

Ha - enjoyed your unusual take on the sport. Fun read - thanks.


onegoodwoman profile image

onegoodwoman 6 years ago from A small southern town

Making children cry..................

not cool

not productive

not humane......

I allowed my first born to play in a softball team.........the PARENTS were disgusting..........adults ruined the " game"...........I am all for encouraging children, but not at all for publicly decrying their short comings or weaknesses

My younger children were not encouraged to " play"...........if there is no fun in playing, what is the point?


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

suziecat7,

Thanks for the response, every laugh is a plus..


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

onegoodwoman,

behind the humor lie some painful truths. As an educator I was often offended by the adults living their dream through their kids. Most of the time it was OK as my boys genuinely enjoyed playing. As it got more serious, I saw their interest wane, and there was relief all around when they moved onto other sports.

I'm not a baseball hater, I fully admit I don't understand it, and I saw some great, positive, little league coaching. I also saw what I jokingly refer to in this hub, and I wonder how many of the boys ended up hating the whole thing.

I fully expect to get a few blasts for this blog,

I'll try really hard not to cry:)

Chris


onegoodwoman profile image

onegoodwoman 6 years ago from A small southern town

I think we might be on the same page.........

let kids play and have fun......their "value" is not in the winning.


ankigarg87 6 years ago

very nice hub !


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

ankigarg87,

Thank you for reading, kind sir...

Chris


tdennis 6 years ago

Well,I could jump on and continue your education about the game known as baseball and hunker down for the tea breakless diatribe on Cricket. But then I remembered that you summed it up as "You are up until you are down and then down until you are up." Or at least that was what I heard. Your wickets be damned. And I'm still waiting for the "Do you have a flag?" piece.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Dear Tim...

Sadly that would be plagarism, and what you ment was...you go in until you're out then when ten of you are out the other side is in until they are out, or it's time for tea. Every six balls is an over and it's not over until all the overs are over.

How did we ever rule an empire? Bloody nuts, all of us...

Glad to see you on Hubpages - the world awaits your wit and enourmous...

Chris


tdennis 6 years ago

Does Hubpages require a note....?


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

I understand photographic evidence may be required, but that would be a whole other site entirely...

Just your wit would be welcome here,

C


attemptedhumour profile image

attemptedhumour 5 years ago from Australia

Hi Chris, isn't it pathetic how some adults carry on? My daughters were competitive swimmers and some, not all of course, were real pushy parents living their crummy lives through haranguing their children. I talked my daughters out of it, as the negatives far outweighed the positives. Your hub was really funny and well thought out emphasising the old saying of, there's many a true word spoken in jest. Great stuff mate.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

atthum,

I have to say I was shocked to witnes the adult behaviour here in Lemon County. I played five or six years of Rugby and Cricket in High School and don't recall my parents being at any of them. They were busy working people, not likely to take time out to watch a boy play...

And it didn't bother me. That was the norm. The only people you wanted to watch were girls!

C

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