25 Things You Can Do While You're Pooping

People spend a lot of time pooping. I read an article that the average man spends three years of his life on the toilet. So why waste time while you're wasting your waste? Do these things too.

1. Read

Duh! Everyone knows about this one! I once read all three Lord of the Rings books while pooping. Of course I didn't do it in one sitting....

2. Check your schedule!

Look at your daily planner to see when you have that important meeting. Make sure you aren't going to be late!

3. Juggle

I'm a firm believer that learning how to juggle is a complete waste of time. But if you learn how to juggle while you are pooping, you are using time effectively that would have otherwise been wasted! Start with toilet paper and you'll be on your way up to the plunger in no time!

4. Imagine!

This is the best advice your parents ever gave you, but let me reinforce it. Using your imagination while on the toilet could transport you to a sword battle in the Middle Ages, or to a warship in outer space! Imagine that you're dropping bombs on Germany in World War II!

5. Hygiene

Clip those nails, pluck that unsightly hair from your belly button, brush your teeth. In a drought or when the shower's broken, give yourself a sponge bath from the sink!

6. Plan your wedding!

Pick the color of the flowers, your dress, and who will cater for you! Ignore the stench (unless you like it) and be on the way to deciding what you are going to need on the most wonderful day of your life!

7. Practice up on your beats!

Using your thighs, belly, calves, toilet, and hands, create a new funkadelic beat that you and your homies can jam to. This may come in handy.

8. Write an article!

Every single article I have ever written was written while I was pooping. OK ... so not really, but I bet you could get a lot done if you implemented this strategy.

9. Call your boss!

Call your boss and tell him what daily activities you engaged in. Ask him if he's going to catch the game this weekend. Never, EVER, tell him that you were pooping while you talked to him. It's kind of like an inside joke.

10. Sing the national anthem!

But PLEASE! Never do it as badly as Christina Aguilera did at the Super Bowl last year. We're all still trying to recover from that.

11. Crochet!

Make a scarf! Or something. I've never actually done this but it seems like something that would be pretty easy to do while dropping a number two.

12. Shine your shoes!

Look at those dirty things! They haven't been washed since you bought them! That's very unattractive. Get that fixed.

13. Skype!

Give grandma and grandpa a video call and check up on how they are doing! I don't sincerely recommend this one; you may never be invited back for Christmas dinner ever again.

14. Don't push too hard.

This list is full of things you can do, but here's one thing you shouldn't do. My fourth-grade teacher told me that you can get hemorrhoids if you push too hard while you're pooping. I'm not sure if this is true, and I'm too scared to try.

15 Learn how to tie a tie!

Do you have a big meeting or presentation you're priming for? Learn how to tie a tie, so you can look snappy for your peers.

16. Bring down a website!

Using your fancy new smartphone's remote technology, go ahead and log onto your desktop computer and take over the army of zombie computers that you infected with viruses. Use them to wreak havoc and bring down the internet! <------Just kidding ... I'm totally not responsible for anyone doing that.

17. Learn the alphabet backwards!

It's harder than you think, but it could be very useful for your next traffic-stop sobriety test!

18. Decipher!

Figure out exactly what it was that you ate yesterday without actually touching it! This is challenging and a whole lot of fun!

19. Grocery list!

You know how they say, never go shopping while you're hungry because you end up buying the whole dang store? Write your list while you're pooping, and you won't end up broke, trust me. The smell does a number on your usually extensive list.

20. Pretend you're Paris Hilton!

If you pretend like you're someone who truly believes they are better than others, maybe your poop won't stink!

21 Let's keep the pinching to a minimum!

If you have roommates or friends close by, try to be sensitive to their needs. They don't want to hear you dropping the Cosbys at the public pool every couple of seconds!

22. Start your recording career!

"Kersplash" could be a great intro to your next big hit! Get it done!

23. Consider whether it's true what they say.

I've heard that girls don't fart and that some have never even pooped before. The next time I'm on the can, I'm going to try to imagine where all that goes. You can try and think about other random things you're not sure about!

24. Speech, anyone?

Write a speech that will change the world, using the powerful emotions you command while ejecting fecal matter!

25. Meditate!

Clear your mind and become one with nature. Breathe in the good energy ... and release the ... bad ... energy....

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Comments 20 comments

Connie Turner 5 years ago

Great Imagination...just may try most of these....LOL


billabongbob profile image

billabongbob 5 years ago from South Wales, UK

Entertaining :)

I have done a number of these things, I don't like to waste time. Three years of your life spent on the toilet pooping? I must get a lot done by doing this then lol.

Thanks for taking the time to write this MATTYJ9999, it's rather amusing.


halola1999 profile image

halola1999 5 years ago from cairo

i will try most of those ... hehe jokking :d


billd01603 profile image

billd01603 3 years ago from Worcester

another funny one Matty!


Shinkicker profile image

Shinkicker 3 years ago from Scotland

Funny list Matty

I enjoyed your suggestions, some of which would never ever have occurred to me LOL

Voted up!


iguidenetwork profile image

iguidenetwork 2 years ago from Austin, TX

Plan your wedding while you're pooping... especially if you're meant to spend too long sitting. Hahahaha.


Hugh Jassburn 2 years ago

It's all in my new book ;)

Let meknow what you think... http://www.amazon.com/52-Things-While-You-Poo/dp/1...


Jame'Dou 2 years ago

can't belive i've read this article...


jakejjjj 2 years ago

Good one. Plan your wedding? Hahhaha


maya 2 years ago

Girls do poo. I'm pooing now. And we fart


stoney 19 months ago

You are an awful writer. I hope you don't get paid for these.


MattyJ9999 profile image

MattyJ9999 19 months ago Author

Oh I do, and it's a lot!


deez nuts 16 months ago

Ha i like 5 seconde of summer


Sher 11 months ago

Another suggestion should be "read this article while you poop" that's what I did


Publius 7 months ago

stoney, this isnt the NY Times. Its literally an article about pooping, relax.


Zoey 7 months ago

Learned the alphabet backwards when I was 7!


Nova 7 months ago

Haha I used this I did the naitonal anthem one


Taborasaurus rex 6 months ago

I tried most of these! This was a very entertaining article


paul bloucher 6 months ago

Matty u legend i wish i was as clever and creative as you are. Whats your secret?


Maddie Konles 3 months ago

Lol so funny some of these I already do

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