25 Things You Can Do While You're Pooping
People spend a lot of time pooping. I read an article that the average man spends three years of his life on the toilet. So why waste time while you're wasting your waste? Do these things too.
Duh! Everyone knows about this one! I once read all three Lord of the Rings books while pooping. Of course I didn't do it in one sitting....
2. Check your schedule!
Look at your daily planner to see when you have that important meeting. Make sure you aren't going to be late!
I'm a firm believer that learning how to juggle is a complete waste of time. But if you learn how to juggle while you are pooping, you are using time effectively that would have otherwise been wasted! Start with toilet paper and you'll be on your way up to the plunger in no time!
This is the best advice your parents ever gave you, but let me reinforce it. Using your imagination while on the toilet could transport you to a sword battle in the Middle Ages, or to a warship in outer space! Imagine that you're dropping bombs on Germany in World War II!
Clip those nails, pluck that unsightly hair from your belly button, brush your teeth. In a drought or when the shower's broken, give yourself a sponge bath from the sink!
6. Plan your wedding!
Pick the color of the flowers, your dress, and who will cater for you! Ignore the stench (unless you like it) and be on the way to deciding what you are going to need on the most wonderful day of your life!
7. Practice up on your beats!
Using your thighs, belly, calves, toilet, and hands, create a new funkadelic beat that you and your homies can jam to. This may come in handy.
8. Write an article!
Every single article I have ever written was written while I was pooping. OK ... so not really, but I bet you could get a lot done if you implemented this strategy.
9. Call your boss!
Call your boss and tell him what daily activities you engaged in. Ask him if he's going to catch the game this weekend. Never, EVER, tell him that you were pooping while you talked to him. It's kind of like an inside joke.
10. Sing the national anthem!
But PLEASE! Never do it as badly as Christina Aguilera did at the Super Bowl last year. We're all still trying to recover from that.
Make a scarf! Or something. I've never actually done this but it seems like something that would be pretty easy to do while dropping a number two.
12. Shine your shoes!
Look at those dirty things! They haven't been washed since you bought them! That's very unattractive. Get that fixed.
Give grandma and grandpa a video call and check up on how they are doing! I don't sincerely recommend this one; you may never be invited back for Christmas dinner ever again.
14. Don't push too hard.
This list is full of things you can do, but here's one thing you shouldn't do. My fourth-grade teacher told me that you can get hemorrhoids if you push too hard while you're pooping. I'm not sure if this is true, and I'm too scared to try.
15 Learn how to tie a tie!
Do you have a big meeting or presentation you're priming for? Learn how to tie a tie, so you can look snappy for your peers.
16. Bring down a website!
Using your fancy new smartphone's remote technology, go ahead and log onto your desktop computer and take over the army of zombie computers that you infected with viruses. Use them to wreak havoc and bring down the internet! <------Just kidding ... I'm totally not responsible for anyone doing that.
17. Learn the alphabet backwards!
It's harder than you think, but it could be very useful for your next traffic-stop sobriety test!
Figure out exactly what it was that you ate yesterday without actually touching it! This is challenging and a whole lot of fun!
19. Grocery list!
You know how they say, never go shopping while you're hungry because you end up buying the whole dang store? Write your list while you're pooping, and you won't end up broke, trust me. The smell does a number on your usually extensive list.
20. Pretend you're Paris Hilton!
If you pretend like you're someone who truly believes they are better than others, maybe your poop won't stink!
21 Let's keep the pinching to a minimum!
If you have roommates or friends close by, try to be sensitive to their needs. They don't want to hear you dropping the Cosbys at the public pool every couple of seconds!
22. Start your recording career!
"Kersplash" could be a great intro to your next big hit! Get it done!
23. Consider whether it's true what they say.
I've heard that girls don't fart and that some have never even pooped before. The next time I'm on the can, I'm going to try to imagine where all that goes. You can try and think about other random things you're not sure about!
24. Speech, anyone?
Write a speech that will change the world, using the powerful emotions you command while ejecting fecal matter!
Clear your mind and become one with nature. Breathe in the good energy ... and release the ... bad ... energy....
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