13 Ludicrous Life Quotes By Made-Up Celebrities

Who Says Hollywood Can't Offer Some Convincing Life Quotes?

Take it from Missy Bookwurm, world famous Actor/Author.
Take it from Missy Bookwurm, world famous Actor/Author.

These Life Quotes By People Who Have Never Existed Will Shirley Guide Your Life Onto An Extended Path

Hi my name is Torrence Hammondson, celebrity stalker and Hollywood sycophant. I am here to share with you today, several of the canned nuggets of wisdom I have gleaned over the years, from some of Tinsel Town's most notorious hang outs such as: The Monkey's Ball Ballroom, The Cat Ran Lounge and Dick's.

You won't find any drivel from Simon Cowell here! No Angelina Jolie remarks to be shared on this page! Only pristine life quotes from some of the Big Screens never heard of stars because they don't actually exist.

Food quotes...

"One can never eat too much head cheese because everyone knows life is about beginnings and endings."

Director: Franz Arroglant

"I never saw a salad I didn't like, because I don't eat them. Salads are more of a vegetable that frames a nice big fat steak. I don't eat salads."

Comedian: Wally Farfromnaseous

Regarding the state of the world quotes...

"You can tell we live in a wonderful environment because cars bellow out gorgeous blue smoke and bicycles hardly give off any smoke at all."

Actress/Model: Marilyn Monron

"If the world is round than my names not Billy Bumperstein."

Gaffer: Adrian Goldworthy

"I saw a UFO last night and then this morning I found a balloon in my yard. Coincidence? I doubt it."

Actor: Peter LeDrake

Business quotes from fictitious celebrities....

"Acting is it's own business. You work for many months, get paid, and sleep with strangers. It's pretty much like being a bank teller, only we don't have to use those giant suction tubes. Well some of us do, but I can't tell you which of us do. But it's not me."

Actor: Jeffrey Slidinhoff

"Business? Business? Who are you? You said we would get paid a half a million for this interview! I've never heard of Torrence Hammondson! Leave my daughter alone!"

Father/Manager of Whitney Shears: Gregg Shears

Celebrity Quotes by unknown celebrities...

"I think Marlon Brando once ate eighteen plates of eggplant napolteana. Eighteen!"

Producer: Maxmillion Baskerville

"What's a celebrity made of? Actresses of course are made of sugar, spice and everything nice. Actors are mostly made of heroine, crystal meth and beef jerky."

Actor/Writer: Mel Roman

Wise quotes from experienced entertainers...

"My Grandfather, he was really old fashioned. Even in his last years, he hardly ever watched television, or even saw movies! Mostly he was a bookworm, he read books!"

Actress/Author: Missy Bookwurm

"Lightning never strikes twice, unless you do a sequel and the merchandising is like, heyooo! There making rubber dolls of my character! Then you know, its time off in Aruba for like three months."

Actor: Erich Von Murray

Great quotes from fictitious people in the movie industry...

"Great quotes? You're asking Hollywood for anecdotes about life? Ha! Why not look in the sewer for fresh produce?"

Cinematographer: Alecia Merriweather

"Woot woot woot! Yeah, you bet this is a great job. In a great industry, in a great country with one helluva great paycheck! Woohooooo! I've busted my nose so many times they named the procedure after me!"

Stuntman: Randy Rhinoplaski


There you have it, life quotes to help you guide your existence. If there's one thing celebrity obsessed Americans understand, it's that celebrities are geniuses! That's why they make so much money! Check back next week when I publish quotes by fictitious multi-national corporate executives, they make even more money than celebrities! You better believe, they make that much money, because they all have our best interests at heart. Until next time, I'm Torrence Hammondson letting you know why learn yoga when you can just wrestle with the neighbor's dog! You can quote me on that!


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Comments 21 comments

Mike Lickteig profile image

Mike Lickteig 6 years ago from Lawrence KS USA

Your hub gave me a great laugh, Ben. I was looking for a witty comment but couldn't think of anything to say. You left me speechless, so all I will say is..............

This was funny. Thanks.


Ben Zoltak profile image

Ben Zoltak 6 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA Author

Thanks Mike, I was dying out here, I can always count on you to let me know if I bombed out! Haha.


Hello, hello, profile image

Hello, hello, 6 years ago from London, UK

Thank you for a good laugh.


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon

Great stuff - love the bank teller analogy. Good heavens...needed a good laugh with my morning coffee.


Ben Zoltak profile image

Ben Zoltak 6 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA Author

Thanks Hello, hello and akirhner, sometimes what I think is funny, well, I guess I'm not positive if others will like it until I hear back! Sweet affirmation!


Niteriter profile image

Niteriter 6 years ago from Canada

Well, Torrence, you've done a nice job of impersonating Ben Zoltak. But there is a giveaway difference: Ben is like Mel Roman's description of actresses; you are more like Mel's outlook on actors.

(Hey, Ben! I'm gonna rewrite this whole piece as my next Hub considering that there's no one to sue me!)


Ben Zoltak profile image

Ben Zoltak 6 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA Author

Ha! Thanks Niteriter, I was aiming in the dark with this one, glad I could provide a few laughs. Laughing just to keep from crying these days my friend!


tdarby profile image

tdarby 6 years ago

That was awesome--thanks for some well needed laughter.


Ben Zoltak profile image

Ben Zoltak 6 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA Author

Thanks tdarby! I try, glad I could make you laugh!


Laura Thykeson profile image

Laura Thykeson 6 years ago from Central Texas

This was hysterical-wish I had have thought of it!


Ben Zoltak profile image

Ben Zoltak 6 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA Author

Thank you Laura! Sometimes what I think is a lark turns into a dove!


Tammy Lochmann profile image

Tammy Lochmann 6 years ago

I love that last quote.."why learn yoga when you can just wrestle with the neighbor's dog! You can quote me on that!"

Your sense of humor is just too much...I still am laughing about the turtle and car mishap. Life is too short to not be able to laugh at yourself. My mother and I try to think up the funniest bone headed move we did all week and we laugh until we are crying and can't breath anymore. We live thousands of miles away from each other but we always try to share a laugh every week. I will miss that this week she is in Mexico (she went with my 86 year old grandmother).


Ben Zoltak profile image

Ben Zoltak 6 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA Author

Thanks for the compliment Tammy, that's great that you have that kind of relationship with your Mom. I wish I was going to Mexico sounds like fun! An old school friend of mine left this morning too!!!


jill of alltrades profile image

jill of alltrades 6 years ago from Philippines

Ha ha ha, that was fun!!!

Thanks for sharing Ben!


Ben Zoltak profile image

Ben Zoltak 6 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA Author

thanks Jill, kind of you to say so!


ltfawkes profile image

ltfawkes 6 years ago from NE Ohio

"Acting is it's own business. You work for many months, get paid, and sleep with strangers. It's pretty much like being a bank teller, only we don't have to use those giant suction tubes. Well some of us do, but I can't tell you which of us do. But it's not me."

Actor: Jeffrey Slidinhoff

Hey! Jeffrey Slidinhoff . . . isn't he the guy from Law and Order Beaver Falls?

Okay, I was chuckling inwardly as I read Jeffrey's quote, but when I got to the part about "But it's not me" I laughed out loud. Nice work.

L.T.


Ben Zoltak profile image

Ben Zoltak 6 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA Author

Thanks L.T. I appreciate your accolades. There's a short list of things I have done that I am very proud of, and making people laugh out loud is high up on that list!

Nastrovia

Ben Zoltak


SELL MY ART profile image

SELL MY ART 6 years ago from Ireland

Very Funny hub Ben , thanks for the laugh.


PaperNotes profile image

PaperNotes 6 years ago

Hilarious!Sometimes you need to stop a while and think about what they say so you will understand the humor in their statements and where they are coming from. Celebrities are humans too, they have their own flaws.


Dolores Monet profile image

Dolores Monet 5 years ago from East Coast, United States

Ben, this was hilarious. You must have had a great time building this hub!


Ben Zoltak profile image

Ben Zoltak 5 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA Author

Thank you Mrs. Monet. I did, and even got to bond a bit with my daughter (despite the double entendre) we had some big fun. Thanks for not being a stranger!

Ben

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