47 Things Not To Do While Driving
Although driving can be a fairly mundane task, it is one of the most dangerous things we do. Think about it. We voluntarily put ourselves into wheeled metal boxes powered by an explosive liquid. Then we accelerate alongside other people doing the same thing, assuming they have the ability to not crash into other drivers. For the purpose of mass safety, here are 47 things to never do while driving.
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1. Never try to cook an omelette, no matter how much you're regretting the fact the you skipped breakfast.
2. Never write thank you notes to relatives, thinking your commute would be a good time to take care of those.
3. Never wear a blindfold. You're driving, not hitting a pinata.
4. Never have a conversation with Fran Drescher. Her voice may cause you to miss things, such as the sound of a car honking at you letting you know you entered a one way street from the wrong side.
5. Never play monopoly with another passenger.
6. In case the last point was not clear, do not play any board game with someone else in the vehicle.
7. Never read a classic novel such as To Kill A Mockingbird or Gone With The Wind, no matter how much you regret just reading the spark notes versions in high school.
8. Never close your eyes to pray for a safe trip. God will understand.
9. Never hold up a sign saying "I'm being held at gunpoint, please call 911," unless you are.
10. Never stop in the middle of the freeway to read a billboard.
11. Never wear a sombrero while driving. I don't know how, but I think it's dangerous.
12. Never play Pokemon Red, Blue, Yellow, Gold, Silver, Crystal, Ruby, Sapphire, Emerald, Emerald, or any other inferior, more recent version.
13. Never eat the apple, no matter how good the snake makes it sound! You'll realize you and your husband are naked! (Sorry, that's from "47 Things to Never Do in the Garden of Eden," but the same principles apply here.
14. Never stop to avoid running over the asphalt. It'll be a long ride.
15. Never misinterpret a highway construction worker's sign which says "slow" to mean he is a slow moving individual. If you continue speeding towards him, he will likely dart out of the way very quickly.
16. Never try to test the strength of the guard rails.
17. Never hold up a water pistol to joke around with other drivers. Murphy's law states that the other driver will have a gun.
18. Never pour soap into your eyes. I don't know why you would, but it's an especially bad idea while driving.
19. Never get dyslexic when entering a roadway. In the U.S, we drive on the right.
20. Never play hide and seek with the other passengers.
21. If you have one, never press the "launch nuclear warhead" button underneath the air conditioning controls. These are found in many older Russian cars, and were probably never disabled.
22. Never drive while in a coma.
23. Never drive when you are about to enter into a coma.
24. Never do engine work on your car while driving it.
25. Never create a powerpoint presentation on "What I learned in Remedial Driver's Education"
26. Never try to make a fake license using crayons and an index card.
27. Never use your rear view mirror to apply makeup.
28. Never sort your collection of Spice Girls CDs.
29. Never compose the score for a 16 act operetta based on the life of Janice Joplin.
30. Never test out the blender you got at the goodwill thrift store for $4. It probably doesn't work.
31. Never punch your windshield out of anger.
32. Never increase your speed to get out of a school zone.
33. Never paint a self portrait, no matter how good an artist you are.
34. Never take the speed limit signs as "suggestions."
35. Never eat a chicken salad sandwich. Not because it endangers your life, but because chicken salad is gross.
36. Never throw beverages out of the window, onto the windshield of a cop car.
37. Never write an article for Hubpages while driving. Unless you're me, right now.
38. Never let a police officer see you driving with an open laptop.
39. Never make obscene gestures towards a cop trying to pull you over.
40. Never go 50 miles over the speed limit to lose the aforementioned cop car.
41. Never enter a crowded pedestrian bridge to try to lose said cop car.
42. Never drive off said bridge.
43. Never drive into an a river.
44. Never drive into a river with a waterfall.
45. Never try to save your laptop when trying to escape a flooding car.
46. Never go over a waterfall, especially one with rocks which are sharp and or pointy.
47. Never realize you could have jumped out the sunroof after you're going over the edge of a waterfall.
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