5 Foods to Never Eat

Don't eat these foods, ever.

We all love food. Without food, KFC would be a creepy guy in a white suit. Entire television channels dedicate programming to stuff that we eat. You can watch a show showing other people eating. You can learn to cook from cable TV. What they rarely tell you is what not to eat. Food is celebrated, deified, studied, but never deployed as part of a cautionary tale.

Eat whatever you want, as long as you don't pig out on the following foods. We're here to help. Gnaw on a McDonald's Quarter Pounder (disclaimer: I own stock) rather than indulge from this list.

Disgusting. Never eat this.
Disgusting. Never eat this.

Stale Tomato

Nice fresh tomatoes are everywhere: eat them instead. Look for smooth unbroken skins with no mold, bugs, splits, or bites already taken out of them. Tomatoes come with Lycopene and you need that. It's a bright red carotene that your body converts into Vitamin A.

The USDA (United States Department of Agriculture) condoned creation of several designer tomatoes containing enhanced levels of Lycopene. Look for those in juices, sauces, and cherry and beefsteak types. You can also get carotene from carrots, hence the name.

Eat pieces of me. Not the whole me.
Eat pieces of me. Not the whole me.

A whole cow

Pieces of cows are everywhere and you are much better off eating bits rather than attempting ingestion of an entire ruminant. Observe that no fast-food restaurant offers "one cow" as a menu line item. That should tell you something. A company with thousands of franchises selling billions of burgers (cow parts) would certainly be inclined to dump the whole beast onto your tray if they thought it was remotely beneficial to you or their bottom line.

Copyright: me. And HubPages.
Copyright: me. And HubPages.


The things are just gross. They don't even taste good. Pick out the most shiniest, smoothest, freshest example of your local pomegranate and throw it away. Don't even nibble on it. It has seeds that aren't even called seeds. The seeds are disgusting anyway. I once tried pomegranate yogurt and it had seeds in it. No lie.

Google 'pomegranate' and order the juice or extract or candy bar or aftershave. You'll be just as healthy and there won't be seeds in your smile.

Overpriced dandelion
Overpriced dandelion


It's a herbaceous annual plant. That sounds gross already. It also costs, like, $15 per pound.

It's a weed and it only lasts 2 days in your fridge. A good can of Pringles lasts years on a shelf at room temperature. If you insist on eating weeds, go out in the yard and pick dandelions. Sprinkle pepper on it and, viola, you have generic arugula. They grow back in minutes and they look very much like arugula. No one will know the difference unless they watch too much Food Channel programming.

Civet Coffee

A cute furry carnivore swallows coffee beans. Attentive farmers stand by with baskets. The civet poops and a very expensive brand of coffee is born. Whether or not evolution has been indicated is hard to say. The product costs $50 - $100 per bag, for obvious reasons. I hope the farmers get their cut, so to speak.

Don't try this at home under any circumstances. Don't ask for it at Starbucks. They'll laugh at you in the Dunkin' Donuts drive-through.

One more thing

There ya go: 5 foods to never eat. Additionally, don't eat sugar: it will make you fat, stupid, inattentive, diabetic, old, weak, and toothless. Don't eat fat: it will clog your arteries. Don't eat protein: it tastes terrible and it has an awful texture. Have a drink of water.

And another thing

Eat whatever you want. This is all in fun. No cute animals were harmed in the writing of this thing. We want you to be happy, we really do.

The best meal is a Pizza Hut pan Pizza with mushrooms and green olives. And green Gatorade.

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Comments 20 comments

Patty Kenyon profile image

Patty Kenyon 4 years ago from Ledyard, Connecticut

Funny and Interesting!!!

aivzdog profile image

aivzdog 4 years ago

I will never eat dog.

psychicdog.net profile image

psychicdog.net 4 years ago

I seem to remember someone ate a car once - thanks for reminding me of this Nicomp!

nicomp profile image

nicomp 4 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

psychicdog.net : Do I actually need to tell you not to eat a car?

Unless it's a Holden, they taste pretty good.

breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 4 years ago

I hate arugula, thyme, maybe rosemary, certainly cilantro and the Obama re-election campaign!

psychicdog.net profile image

psychicdog.net 4 years ago

Well if you are going to tell me not to eat a mouldy tomatoe why not a car too? I nearly started eating a Ford - I thought cars were quite nutritional - full of iron - thanks for this informative hub voted up and useful!

drbj profile image

drbj 4 years ago from south Florida

nicomp - Your totally terrifying treatise leaves me no options. Except laughing hysterically ...

nicomp profile image

nicomp 4 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@breakfastpop : I know some hubbers who would ban you for sneaking your reactionary political views into well-meaning nutritional treatises.

@psychicdog.net : In The Colonies our cars are plastic and aluminum so we can increase mpgs.

@drbj: Thanks, again!

nanderson500 profile image

nanderson500 4 years ago from Seattle, WA

I'll try to remember this hub the next time I eat a whole cow! Voted up.

breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 4 years ago

Dear nicomp,

Thank you for your appreciation of free speech!

Gypsy Willow profile image

Gypsy Willow 4 years ago from Lake Tahoe Nevada USA , Wales UK and Taupo New Zealand

Quite a hub! I love arugala though. It reseeds itself in my garden so the cost is NIL!

nicomp profile image

nicomp 4 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Gypsy Willow : I raise dandelions in my yard. :)

HaleyMCruz profile image

HaleyMCruz 4 years ago from California

I can appreciate a good hub that tells me everything that I do wrong...so far the sugar hasn't made me fat! I think. And the cow part made me crack up, I mean it!

nicomp profile image

nicomp 4 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@HaleyMCruz: Not a 'cow part,' rather the whole cow. We're here to help!

DeborahNeyens profile image

DeborahNeyens 4 years ago from Iowa

You are too funny. Finally, someone with the guts to tell the truth about pomegranates!

nicomp profile image

nicomp 4 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@DeborahNeyens : Yucky Pomegranates.

billybuc profile image

billybuc 3 years ago from Olympia, WA

I was looking for your recipe hubs but got bored scrolling down so I settled on this and I'm sure glad I did.

Pomegranates??? Is that a food???? I make it a habit not to eat something I can't pronounce. Fortunately I can't pronounce liver either. :)

I had fun with this one. Nice job, good laughs....now where is my slice of pizza?

nicomp profile image

nicomp 3 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@BillyBuc, Pomegranates are disgusting. I think it's a food.

psychicdog.net profile image

psychicdog.net 3 years ago

@Pomegranates - you're not disgusting - Nicomp doesn't know what he's talkin about and he hates grammatical errors they drive him mad!

nicomp profile image

nicomp 3 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@psychicdog.net Google hates grammatical errors. I love Google because it represents all that is good and wise on the Internet.

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