5 Signs You're a Politician

Everyone knows that old joke about politicians, right? Q. How do you know when a politician's lying? A. His lips are moving. This is actually true of many people in other professions as well, so I thought I'd add a few more clues for those who like to know a real politician when you see one. And by the way, these don't only apply to the USA -- these are universal highlights, sadly enough. Of course, there are bound to be obvious exceptions to these 'rules'. The current president, for example, and a few others. Hopefully they won't just be exceptions at some point.

Dodging your taxes is generally an acceptable practice when you're a person in power, and doesn't really become an issue until you're nominated for a biggie job. You see, that's when the losing team starts throwing all of their toys out of the pram and comes forward with all kinds of accusations. Not to worry, this is perfectly normal, and just as soon as the losers are back on the winning team, they'll be withdrawing their own nominations when someone raises a brow at their own unpaid taxes, or the five illegal maids they've got cleaning their mansion.

It's always amusing (in a sad sort of way) to see the inevitable coming out of those politicians who protest too much. And by closet, I refer to many things, not just sexual preference. For example, the UK just passed an absurd law, with such a broad scope, that it actually criminalizes all sorts of things that only right wingers spend time worrying about. Needless to say, it's only a matter of time before we find out they've all got one of these ladies (see above photo) on the payroll.

Most politicians are, essentially, lobbyists. This would probably be acceptable, if they were lobbying in the interests of, say, free healthcare for every child; but poor, starving families have a hard time coughing up the newest Mercedes, so that kind of thing doesn't happen all that often. Big corporations, on the other hand, are oozing with big bonuses and extra cars -- and that's what being a politician is all about, innit? Perks. Cos the answer to a flailing economy and world crisis surely includes a few major bonuses for those who need it least.

It's not your fault that you've got a complex about your size issues, and I'm sure your wife is perfectly satisfied; after all, that's what the pool boy's for. But don't take it out on an underveloped country halfway round the world -- retire and get you a nice Ferrari instead. Visit a gentleman's club. Get that leather jacket you've always wanted. Whatever it takes to keep you as far away from the White House as possible. And by the way, when did politician become synonymous with celebrity? Why are you people always on TV?? If you spent half as much time working as you did in the makeup chair, you'd probably be a lot better at your job.

I don't want to get into race really, but it does need to be mentioned that race, sex and sexual preference aren't very fairly represented when it comes to world governments. That's not to say we ought to be doing the reverse, and sticking people in office purely because of their color or sex (Oh, hello, Republicans) but it would certainly help bring countries together if everyone's culture were properly spoken for. And if the rationale for this revolves around how many highly educated straight white males exist in comparison to people of other races, the other sex or sexual preference -- this simply means not enough is being done to get the other groups the educations and opportunities they need.