7 Days Of Missing You

This is what I wrote when the first 7 days passed after my dear friend committed suicide. Seems as though it took the full 7 days just to rise above the shock of hearing the bad news from her daughter.

KILLED HERSELF seemed to be the only words I repeated over and over.

It is my first death by suicide, so I can only imagine I experienced a normal response, if there is such a thing.

I started this poem on the 7th day, but could not complete it for another 2 weeks. It took me 2-3 days to even tell anyone close to me that her death had occurred. Did I think if I didn't tell anyone, it wouldn't be true? Maybe deep down inside that was how I felt, maybe I couldn't cope so had to let it settle in as slowly as necessary.

I am grieving more freely now which is why I was able to complete this poem, at least as much as I chose to complete, for the time being.

I've decided to view this piece as my progress toward acceptance and present it as an expression of the shock that hit me when she passed away.

7 Days

It’s been 7 days since your sad song began playing in my heart.

You have ceased to exist for 168 hours?

“Are you sitting down?”

“Yeah” I replied.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah”

It hadn’t occurred to me that something tragic was wrong. Must be in the hospital, went in for treatment.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah”

Wait . . . what could be so hard to say? Only one thing came to mind. I knew then, what I was about to hear.

“Mommy’s gone, she killed herself”

The instance before it was said, I realized you were gone.

I let out a painful, Huh, as I exhaled in disbelief; that slight groan that masked the screaming occurring deep in the core of my very being.

No warning!

No notice!

No time to prepare!

It has been 10,080 minutes since that heart-stopping occurrence.

I was suddenly caught up in the violent swirl of a tornado of my own making -emotions sending my mind racing and my heart breaking.

At that moment did I even breathe? Not to my knowledge.

That long exhale seemed to nourish my lungs for what seemed like minutes as time slowed down and my mind raced to comprehend what was happening.

Then came the second of clarity,

when my body told my brain . . . wait for it . . . wait for it . . .

KILLED HERSELF!

She killed herself?

It was then my soul rumbled again, like an earthquake slowing making its way to the surface.

It’s been 604,800 seconds since your light was extinguished.

Soon I’ll notice each passing month, followed by each passing year.

It’s been 7 days since you passed away

I miss you so much!

Nothing more relaxing to you than listening to a hard rain accompanied by thunder and lightening. How happy it made you that I found the perfect CD for you.

Rain mixed with loud thuner storms were her favorite sounds to sleep to.
Rain mixed with loud thuner storms were her favorite sounds to sleep to.

31 comments

Jen's Solitude profile image

Jen's Solitude 6 years ago from Delaware Author

A belated but sincere thank you for leaving me your comment.


Dr irum profile image

Dr irum 6 years ago

Its a big tragedy to lose someone , i can understand its pretty hard to bear a tragic loss .sorry for that .amazing hub .


Jen's Solitude profile image

Jen's Solitude 6 years ago from Delaware Author

Thanks so much green tea-cher! I am still amazed at how devastating suicide is on the survivors, even when you are relived the suffering has ended.


green tea-cher profile image

green tea-cher 6 years ago

My condolences to you, Jens Solitude. Your description of your emotions at the time "caught up ...in a tornado of my own making - emotions sending my mind racing and my heart breaking." I feel your pain. The line "It was then my soul rumbled again, like an earthquake slowing making its way to the surface." This is so powerful. It truly expresses your loss. Great expression.


Jen's Solitude profile image

Jen's Solitude 6 years ago from Delaware Author

That it was Joy, thanks for the comment.


Joy56 profile image

Joy56 6 years ago

such a shock, glad you were able to share.


Jen's Solitude profile image

Jen's Solitude 6 years ago from Delaware Author

Oh Polly it is terrible to read of your mom's loss. My deepest condolences are sent your way. Thank you for leaving me a comment even though you are going through so much pain, I appreciate it.

Freya, it is very nice to meet you. Thanks for your comment as well.


Freya Cesare profile image

Freya Cesare 6 years ago from Borneo Island, Indonesia

Ah, really sad story. I am really sorry for you lost. This is beautiful remembrance for her.


Pollyannalana profile image

Pollyannalana 6 years ago from US

My Mom died a few days ago and I wrote a poem just a few hour later, I needed to talk to her and it may have never been said if I hadn't. Poems are very important to heal I think. Great hub, welcome. Polly


Jen's Solitude profile image

Jen's Solitude 6 years ago from Delaware Author

Hi Zac, thanks so much for reading and commenting.


Zac828 profile image

Zac828 6 years ago from England

That was beautiful.


Jen's Solitude profile image

Jen's Solitude 6 years ago from Delaware Author

I appreciate your sympathy Minnetonka Twin. It has helped to write about the pain. Thanks!


Minnetonka Twin profile image

Minnetonka Twin 6 years ago from Minnesota

Losing someone you love is always painful but much harder when it is suicide. Glad you wrote about as this is important for your grieving process. We hubbers are here to support you now that you were open to writing about it. Thx


Jen's Solitude profile image

Jen's Solitude 6 years ago from Delaware Author

Good description of how I sometimes feel pinkhawk. It will only be month #1 on the 18th, I know it would be strange if I wasn't intensely sad, but it isn't all-consuming so I'm sure I will be my old self eventually. Thanks for the comment.


pinkhawk profile image

pinkhawk 6 years ago from Pearl of the Orient

...intense sadness put into words.. :(....hope everything will be alright despite what happened. please cheer up ma'am!


Jen's Solitude profile image

Jen's Solitude 6 years ago from Delaware Author

Hi Graham, I sure understand your reasoning, I've said the same thing about my friend. But now I am slowly realizing, it really isn't about how much we love them, its more about whether they loved themselves and felt worthwhile enough to not lose all hope. My friend often told me she didn't know why I loved her. I would answer by saying, "that's because you don't love yourself." It is hard to feel others will miss you if you don't know you own self-worth. It is like trying to describe colors to a person with no sight. At least that is how I feel about it right now. I think it helps me to look at it from that perspective, maybe it will help you too?


Graham Bretton 6 years ago

I know exactly what you mean, when you say, "the instant before it was said, I realized you were gone", I was talking to a friend of mine, repeating the same conversation we've had dozens of times, over a friend who committed suicide, typical "I didn't get to tell him I loved him", my friend said, "He knew", but I don't think so, I told him, " If he knew how much we loved him, he would still be here."


Jen's Solitude profile image

Jen's Solitude 6 years ago from Delaware Author

hair2nv, I'm so sorry you are also grieving the loss of your friend. Seems like the death was a slower form of suicide when drugs and alcohol is involved. Thank you for leaving me a comforting message. I appreciate it!


hair2nv profile image

hair2nv 6 years ago from Huntsville, Alabama

I too know the pain of losig someone, just lost a good friend not to suicide so to speak but to drinking, drugs and driving. it was a hard blow for my friends and I also. Keep your head up to the sky, I am truly sorry for your lose. You will be in my prayers!!!!! Great hub


Jen's Solitude profile image

Jen's Solitude 6 years ago from Delaware Author

Wow Val, almost 10 years is a very long time. My mom passed away in December of 2007 and it is still a difficult loss to endure. My friend's suicide is different because it is more complicated I guess. Thanks for understanding and sharing your own loss with me.


valeriebelew profile image

valeriebelew 6 years ago from Metro Atlanta, GA, USA

Dear Jens, I relate. The anniversary of my mother's death is June 15th; coming up. It has been close to ten years, but still I know every year when it comes. It also was not suicide, which I understand is more difficult. I can still tell you exactly what I was doing when I heard the news. I relate. Grief can be as destructive as any addiction. Hang in there, girlfriend. My prayers are with you. (: v


Jen's Solitude profile image

Jen's Solitude 6 years ago from Delaware Author

Thanks Internetwriter62. I think she did tell me she couldn't take it any more, I just hoped she would get help before she gave up. (sigh)


Internetwriter62 profile image

Internetwriter62 6 years ago from Marco Island, Florida

I'm so sorry about your friend. I don't know what kind of pain a person must feel to do that. I know that life has some very burdensome moments, all you can do is pray to for a reason. Not everyone is strong. Take care Jen and may the Lord help you make sense of it all.


Jen's Solitude profile image

Jen's Solitude 6 years ago from Delaware Author

Dearest KT and Word Scribe, I truly appreciate your comments and totally understand about stirring up memories that are painful. KT, thanks for reading this and taking that chance. Word Scribe I will look for you on facebook, thanks for reaching out to me.


Word Scribe profile image

Word Scribe 6 years ago

Jen,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know it's really devastating to lose someone that you love, whether they a friend or family member. Must be esp. hard to lose someone to suicide. That's why I try my damnest not to give in to my own darkness and depression and not commit suicide or even try to; I don't want anyone to miss me too much or hate me because I took the easy way out. Just know that I am here for you and if you want to write me, here's my facebook page: www.facebook.com/KimberlySmith. There are others that I'm friends with who often go through the same problems as me, and they can be good for you to talk to them, too whether you're on Facebook or not. Again, sorry for your loss. God bless!


KT Banks 6 years ago

Jen, I'm so sorry for your pain.

At times I can go about my life thinking about everything that's going on, and then somehow, it will just hit me. the death of a loved one. And the pain feels just as sharp and fresh as it always has. I was a little afraid to read your hub, knowing it would spark my own memories, but I glad for you that you were able to write it.

All the Best,

KT


Jen's Solitude profile image

Jen's Solitude 6 years ago from Delaware Author

Good morning Tammy and DustinsMom! Thank you both for your caring comments.

Tammy, thanks I needed that hug! (smile)

DustinsMom, you expressed my feelings exactly. My husband and I can't imagine our friend being at the end of her rope to the extent she wanted to end it all. Her suffering was real, I do know that and I'm sure I will appreciate that she is know longer suffering and let that give me solace as well. It will just take a little time. Thanks for caring!


DustinsMom profile image

DustinsMom 6 years ago from USA

My heart feels your pain my friend. Losing someone we love by any means is most difficult, however, suicide has to be the worse. We do not want to believe their lives were in such turmoil and they were in a place to feel they had to end it all by their own hand. Each day I strive for peace, hope to go on and look for a brighter day. I wish the same for you as well.


Tammy Lochmann profile image

Tammy Lochmann 6 years ago

Beautiful and I am so sorry for such a tragic loss. Take care of yourself...(((hugs))) Tammy


Jen's Solitude profile image

Jen's Solitude 6 years ago from Delaware Author

Appreciate your sympathy blackreign2012, thanks!


blackreign2012 profile image

blackreign2012 6 years ago

So Sorry about your friend. ~hugs~ Nice Hub

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