7-ELEVEN COMB

Source

By: Wayne Brown


As my regular readers know, I have a morning ritual of stopping by the local 7-Eleven for a large cup of java each day as I head in to the office. In previous writings, I have outlined some of my thoughts and experiences during that process. Today, I encounter another one in which I learned that the familiar days of yesteryear have passed me by and hair that cannot be combed will always be messy. On that basis, I must state that some of the burden for the failure of Americans to practice good grooming must lie with the good folks down at the 7-Eleven.


Later this morning, I am going in to have my fingerprints digitized into the Texas Department of Public Safety Record Archive. I am doing this voluntarily as part of the process to achieve my CHL (Concealed Handgun License). My wife accomplished that step last Friday and she warned me that they would also take my picture. Thus the thought occurred to me that I should look well-groomed in the photo as opposed to some kind of nut out to maim and kill at first opportunity. As I dressed to head in for work, I discovered that I had lost my pocket comb which I carry in the back right pocket of my jeans along with my checkbook. This discovery made me stop and realize that my plan for good grooming in light of the coming photo could be jeopardized.


Now, for me, a pocket comb hangs around about as long as a good pair of sun glasses. You can be sure that the cheaper the glasses or the comb, the longer you will have them. Raise the price and brother, here’s the sequel to that movie, “Gone In 60 Seconds” coming at you! Now, more than likely, that comb, like my good sun glasses is probably in the pocket of some pair of pants that I have worn in the past and will turn up sooner or later, normally right after I purchase the replacement. Being rushed for time, I opted to pick up a comb when I grabbed my morning coffee at the local 7-Eleven convenience store…another assumption gone bad with time.


As I walked into the store where everyone knows my face but no one knows my name, I answer the same greetings that I receive every other morning with the same reply…balances the scales…they don’t care but they have to ask; I don’t care but someone has to reply. I stroll on back to the coffee bar and quickly mix up my large store blend coffee with a shot of hazelnut cream for good measure. I use two large cups, one inside the other. The extra cup acts as a layer of insulation to help keep the coffee warmer for a longer period. Secretly, I think that maybe they have their eye on me and know that I always use two cups…something which pisses them off to no end but they tolerate to keep my business.


Once I have my coffee, I waltz on over to the display on the back wall which is oriented toward personal needs and personal grooming. You can get your protected sex requirements handled in this area, a five-shot of giddy-up-go juice, something to relieve that nagging cough or that oh so throbbing headache, nail trimmers, cotton balls and cotton swabs, rubbing alcohol, stuff for that time of the month, something to make you sleep, and a deck of playing cards to use if you cannot. Hmmm…I don’t see what I am looking for. Maybe they don’t carry them anymore. Nah…that can’t be…most folks got hair, so why miss the sale? Still, after several scans of the area, a simple comb is nowhere to be found among all those other personal aids. The thought occurs to me that maybe the clerk is watching and thinking that I want to buy condoms but can’t get up the nerve. Quickly I think of a reply for that one…you don’t have my size! I have to smile.


Then it occurs to me that just maybe the combs are in a different area. You know, like at the local Kroger Supermarket, they have this big section on ethnic foods. There is an entire array of Mexican type products that fits in that offering with one exception…the jalapenos. Those are with the pickles. Don’t ask me why, I don’t know. Maybe that is what is going on with the combs. You’ve been there; you ask the clerk where such and such are and they point you to the frozen food aisle. You ask why and they say because there is less shop-lifting in the frozen food section than on the shelf. Suddenly, it makes perfect sense to me.


I considered a cruise through the refrigerated section and a check of the ice cream boxes to see if possibly the combs have found their way to that area. Then I think better of the idea for the clock is ticking. You see, when you come into one of these stores, they automatically think that you are there to rob them. If you get in quick and get out, they are pleased; but, if you linger…they get nervous and edgy. I sense the tension is building as I frantically look about…where are the damn combs?


Finally, knowing that I am all out of time and that there is a good possibility that the cops are already on their way responding to the silent alarm which the nervous clerk has already set off, I reluctantly move to the counter to pay for my comb, uh, I mean my coffee. The clerk takes my money and I inquire, “Where the hell are the combs?” He shrugs his shoulders and looks longingly toward the personal grooming section. I share with him my disappointment in having anticipated that I would make a comb purchase at the 7-Eleven only to find that they have either quick stocking them or ran out. They take inventory every single day, sometimes twice a day and yet they have run out of combs. Given that outcome, they cannot complain about the comb not being a good seller…looks like they are outselling the condoms!


Again the clerk shrugs as I point out that this lack of product is probably the reason why so many people are walking the streets and looking so crappy…hair all askew. I point out the heavy responsibility that 7-Eleven has to consuming public to maintain a complete stock hair care products and most importantly the comb. I also warn the clerk to let his management know that if they cannot handle that responsibility, I am fully capable of turning them into whatever agency of the government monitors those short-comings. I know there is an agency because the damn government monitors everything, especially those things that do not require monitoring.


The clerk shrugs again and apologizes for the inconvenience. I laugh thinking about how I have suffered an inconvenience within the walls of a so-called “convenience store”. It is appalling. Then, just before I reached that exit door where they check your height for free, I turned and said, “You know, if they President had stopped in here today looking for a comb, you folks would have looked like a bunch of clowns. You need to think on that for a while.” And with that, I hurried on out knowing they had a full description of me to give to the cops.


As I get back in the truck and head off to the office, I catch a glimpse of my wind-blown hair in the rear view mirror. I think how this could negatively impact my photo ID for the concealed handgun. I think about the cop who will look at the picture then look back at me and say, “How do I know this you with all that hair every which of way.” And I will then have to relate my disappointment to him and explain how they were out of combs down at the 7-Eleven on the day that I had my picture made. Cops hang out there so he will probably be able to relate to my sad story. On my way to the fingerprinting, I consider wearing a pair of sun glasses to the photo shoot then toss that idea out as only adding to the confusion…wind-blown hair and sun glasses….look like a doper.


I’m gonna get me a comb because I will not be able to find my other comb until I get a new comb. When I do, I think I will immediately drill a hole in one end of it and attach one of those chains like you see on the big wallets that the bread-man carries…that should keep it where it will be handy at all times. Since I will have one of those bread-wallet chains hanging off my belt, I suppose I will have to get one of those magnetic signs to go on the truck that says, “Driver Carries No Cash” just to be sure that I am safe should anyone spot the chain while I getting my morning coffee and mistake me for a bread-man on his way to work.


If I do get that new comb, I am going to go by the 7-Eleven, walk in, and hold that comb for all the clerks to see and say, “You see this, Suckas…that’s a comb and ya’ll need to get some. Do I make myself clear?” Of course that means I will have to leave quickly in order to avoid an uncomfortable scene with the cops as folks run from the store yelling, “He’s got a gun! He’s got a gun!” Gee, a comb can sure be a troubling thing. If I find that old comb after I get the new one, I’ll just make a kazoo out of it and play me a song.



©Copyright WBrown2012. All Rights Reserved.


2 July 2012


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Comments 24 comments

Angela Blair profile image

Angela Blair 4 years ago from Central Texas

Wayne - absolute hoot and made my day. Funny how the mundane things in life have a way of getting lost -- but then a comb? Well, combs aren't the most mundane thing if one has hay-head hair like mine! LOL! Great read and thanks for the chuckles. Best/Sis


billybuc profile image

billybuc 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

Who would ever think that it would be so damn hard to find a comb? Great hub; had me laughing loudly and often.


Becky Katz profile image

Becky Katz 4 years ago from Hereford, AZ

This is funny, my husband is always losing his combs. Since the only hair left on his head is around the sides though, he just keeps it real short. Then when he can't find it, he can just brush it back with his hands.


kj force profile image

kj force 4 years ago from Florida

Great job..loved the hub..welcome to my world of living with the " quirks"...that's what your comb issue is called...these are the highlights of my day..finding the quirks and trying to make sense of it all....


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 4 years ago from Texas Author

@Angela Blair...Hey! Glad you had fun with it. When I left the 7-11 this morning it was as if I had done a 15 minute stand up routine...the clerk was doubled over laughing. I had to write, I knew it at that moment. Sometimes the smallest things grow into larger things. Thanks, Sis! WB

@billybuc...Yeah, just me luck...I always seem to have to take the dirt road to get to church. LOL! Thanks, Bill. WB

@Becky Katz...I'll be there one day. My dad hung on the the largest portion of his hair until his mid-70's and I hope that I can do the same. I like needing a comb. Thanks much! WB

@kjforce...It most certainly is a quirk...me and 7-11 seem to have our share. Perhaps you've read my story about two doughnuts for a dollar and my concerns. Thanks much. WB


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Wayne.....You have taken me by surprise! Not a poem and not political? A totally different Wayne!........Funny as hell, Mr. Brown, brought happy tears to my eyes, from laughter! Even the clerk...."shrugging his shoulders," like HOW should HE know, he only works there?! I always love that response.......

Moral? Always have a spare....a bunch of them!! UP & funny!


Becky Katz profile image

Becky Katz 4 years ago from Hereford, AZ

I keep telling my husband that we can cut a couple of inches off of mine to make him a piece but he just keeps giving me dirty looks. LOL!! Mine is really thick.


FitnezzJim profile image

FitnezzJim 4 years ago from Fredericksburg, Virginia

Combs are kind of like pens and pencils, they wander off at will. The best thing to do for it is crew cuts, no hair, no need for a comb.


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 4 years ago from Texas Author

@fherj48...You just have not discovered them yet...I write in this vein quite often cause I'm one funny guy! LOL! Seriously, I do have quite a few articles in the stable that are humorous and tongue in cheek...just look around! Thanks much for the good words. WB

@Becky Katz...Funnnnnnny! WB

@FitnezzJim...Wore that way in the military for a lot of years. Its still short now but bares a bit of groom. I must say that your advise has great merit and I will give it future consideration! LOL! Thanks much. WB


Mhatter99 profile image

Mhatter99 4 years ago from San Francisco

I ave trouble remembering my comb... HAVE I BEEN BALD THAT LONG!

:((...


Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

Gypsy Rose Lee 4 years ago from Riga, Latvia

Voted up and funny. Thanks for the tour of the 7-Eleven. I remember my girlfriend and I going to the local 7-Eleven on hot summer days and coming back with an armful of teen magazine to pass time in the shade with and some horrible green looking slurpees. Those were the days.


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 4 years ago from Texas Author

@Mhatter99...Ha! We all get there with time. Thanks for laugh! WB

@Gypsy Rose Lee...I saw the 7-11 clerk this morning and told him how to find the story...he had a good laugh about it and said that he was pretty sure that it would be a big hit. LOL! Thanks much. WB


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 4 years ago

Forget the comb, grab the cannolis!


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 4 years ago from Texas Author

@breakfastpop...I think that is why they quit carrying combs...because I quit buying those two-fer-a-dollar doughnuts! LOL! Thanks much! WB


The Frog Prince profile image

The Frog Prince 4 years ago from Arlington, TX

Wayne - Come on man. Do you really need a comb to rearrange that one hair you have on top of your head?

The Frog


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 4 years ago from Texas Author

@The Frog Prince....No not for that...for my rug! LOL! Thanks Jim. WB


A.A. Zavala profile image

A.A. Zavala 4 years ago from Texas

Condoms are cheap at 7-11. I didn't see any combs either...


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 4 years ago from Texas Author

@A.A. Zavala....You dawg...and they even got your size! LOL! Thanks Augustine! WB


tirelesstraveler profile image

tirelesstraveler 4 years ago from California

LOL all the way thought to the end. Nice work.

You could get famous playing your comb. Happy hunting.


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 4 years ago from Texas Author

@tirelesstraveler...Great, I have to thank you...I went back and read this one to see what all the humor was about people including yourself were mentioning...cleaned up my typos too! Now, it's really funny! LOL. Thanks much! WB


50 Caliber profile image

50 Caliber 4 years ago from Arizona

Will, I've got to hand it to you, that was a dandy. I laughed pretty steady all way through. I share your pain I don't know how those little stores got to be so damned aggravating when a Feller goes them looking for something, it's never their and there is no worry there amongst the employees, to even ask you what you're looking for. I got admit, I have not. A pocket comb in years. I saw somebody write a comment and use the word rattail comb. It's just been recently in which you wrote in your tale triggered that thought again. Been a lot of water under the bridge since the days of cardboard displays next to the register holding sensible items, for everyday use.

Now are left crack pipes cigarette lighters I suspect that the word convenience should be removed from our description of those store.

That would be a shame though, that you've been left without the ability to take one on is a target of such good humor make for great cup of coffee.

Peace,

Dust


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 4 years ago from Texas Author

@50 Caliber...Writing about this sort of stuff kind of makes me feel like a piss ant turning a spot of ground into my underground mansions...it's a labor of love. I hope that it shows new writers that one can expand in just about any direction on any subject and have something to say whether it is serious or just tongue-in-cheek. It really helps me to understand how I look at the world simply by attempting to explain it to the readers. Thanks much, Dusty. WB


Huntgoddess profile image

Huntgoddess 4 years ago from Midwest U.S.A.

You guys are probably all too young to remember, "Kooky, Kooky, lend me your comb?"


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 4 years ago from Texas Author

@Huntgoddess...Not me! That's why I used his pic...I watched a bit of "77 Sunset Strip" back in the day! Thank much! ~WB

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