Give A Flying Fart...

Flying and Farting...

Lemon County has an airport. Only problem, well one of several, is that along with terminals and planes and stuff, this airport also suffers from a major identity crisis.

It has far too many names. Not counting the initials (SNA) the first, which may be a reference of sorts to a Mexican General, or a Saint revered by a group of German dairy farmers, is Santa Ana, (not to be confused with Santa Anita which is a racetrack) The second possible moniker, refers to Lemon County's King of the Cowboys, John Wayne. Outside the county, however, most flight announcements use it's third handle, simply Lemon County.

Being the LC, John Wayne is definitely the better fit. We do our very best to ignore the fact that our beloved land was once the property of Mexico, and it is so hard to explain the whole idea of a farm, with cows and grass and all that, to the junior inhabitants of the County. "Don't be silly, milk comes from a carton..."

Now Mr. Wayne on the other hand, lived in the heart of the County, kept his boat in Newport Harbor for Pete's sake, so very much "one if us". It may, however, surprise a few inhabitants to learn that in fact John Wayne did not actually tame the wild west single handed, win world war two with a couple of his buddies, or actually become Irish to win Maureen O'Hara's heart.

He was in fact an actor.

Not really real, thus, the perfect representative of the “LC”.

Which really has nothing to do with what I wanted to say today, other than the setting.

Imagine if you will, the pristine environs of the men's restroom at 5:45AM on a business day. The first flights are gathering the intrepid into pre-boarding groups. Ready and waiting to enter the aluminum cylinders that will suck most of the moisture out them, the prisoners gird themselves. Bracing themselves for the seats that will realign their spines and eventually spit them out somewhere that isn't Lemon County.

Meanwhile the rows of restroom stalls are fully occupied. The first sitting is in progress and in the privacy-enforced hush; men are doing what they would rather be doing in their own homes with a newspaper and more time. The stifled grunts and occasional gaseous escape, notwithstanding, it is relatively quiet.

Lost in thought, the reverie is suddenly disturbed by a dramatic rift in the space-time continuum, and from a cubicle far at the end of the row, a raucous fart-splash rends the air. Amplified by the hard surfaces of the tiles, it has an impact close to a 5.1 on the Richter scale, followed by a single beat of time. Capitalizing on this unholy pause, a wag in a stall somewhere in the middle of the row, shouts out a lusty "Ole".

The spell is broken, the quiet gone, as thirty men with their pants around their ankles burst out in uncontrolled laugher. The loss of control has a dramatic effect on the assembled bowels and a fart-fest of spectacular dimensions ensues for the next several minutes.

Needing to make room for the second sitting, the men exit the cubicles somewhat sheepishly, trying to not look about the place too obviously, while trying to identify the players in the little drama. The grins on the faces of the exiting throng must have been baffling to those not party to the shared joke. For sure, the Mexican General and the "Duke” would have approved. Not so sure about St. Anne, and so totally not "Lemon County"...

One word, said with perfect comic timing, lifting the spirits of a sizable group of men who then took that all across America, a humor virus if you will.

One of Lemon County's better exports, I think.


Dear Hub Reader


If you enjoy this hub, please check out my book,

Homo Domesticus; A Life Interrupted By Housework,

A collection of my best writings woven into a narrative on a very strange year in my life.

Available directly from:

http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/homo-domesticus/12217500

Chris


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Comments 17 comments

MicrostoreMan 6 years ago

I actually had coffee come out of my nose!!! Love the way you put stuff, read you every Monday, thanks for the laughs


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

MicrostoreMan,

I love that you guys not only sell me my computer stuff, but read the end results. You should join hubpages - your comment was suspected to be spam.

Chris


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS

Ole! Indeed!! Had I coffee in progress, no doubt it would have flown out of my nose or mouth or somewhere!

Wish my George could have read your stuff. He'd have loved it too!


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Nellieanna,

You have writen more on my hubs than I have today! Thank you so much for reading and enjoying. I lost my dad about a year ago, I think he would have enjoyed these too,

Chris


Rhym O'Reison profile image

Rhym O'Reison 6 years ago from Crowley, Tx

Who says adversity brings people together? It may, but not as quickly as a shared embarrassment or a good laugh. Thanks for sharing.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Rhym O'Reison,

And no panties were harmed in the writing of this hub...

Chris


tdennis 6 years ago

The 12 year old in me started laughing,till tears came. I have not heard the "Ole" response,but I have been the guy to make a comment. Not a proud moment, but the lizard part of my brain immediately cries out "You must reapond!" when somebody fires a warning shot in a public place. I must confess that while during a quiet time of reflection, at a camp to be named later, while having not slept well for 4 days, I offered up this gem for my unruly charges, "Hey, reflect on this!" followed quickly by my interpretation of Herb Alpert and his Tijuana brass from my backside. Laughter ensued, I was Knighted, given keys to the island, and oddly enough, respected. Unfortunately, 365 days later, that is the only thing my charges remember.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Tim,

And you are rightly famous for it. Nice to know you have an Eddie Iizard section of your brain, he/she for one( (or two) would be very happy!

Thanks for reading, and thanks for the comments.

At some point you and Lisa are going to have to join in, and write!

Chris


Stan Fletcher profile image

Stan Fletcher 5 years ago from Nashville, TN

This was hysterical! Nothing is funnier than the symphony one routinely hears in the airport bathroom. I've never heard anyone 'Ole!' yet, but I will yell that out next time I'm there. I have the wonder if the women's room is playing the same tune, albeit an octave higher.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Stan,

I asked my wife about the women's version. She looked at me horrified, apparently the only sound is that of lipstick being applied, and the aroma is all perfume.

I don't buy it for one second!

I'd feel very proud if you gave it a go next time you are in an airport. Sort of validates me as a writer...


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana

Chris- this is hilarious! I could picture all of the players. I'm incredibly jealous. You're wife is correct, there are no fart symphonies in the women's room. I tried to start one once, but it just ended up being a solo act.

I walked out proudly.


Stan Fletcher profile image

Stan Fletcher 5 years ago from Nashville, TN

333 - LOL. You must have been so disappointed when no one else joined in!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana

I really was!

I'm OK going solo, but it's so much more fun to have some accompaniment.

Not to mention less embarrassing.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Sue, Stan,

Two of my favorite writers, experts in the land of gaseous emissions, chatting on my humble hub, sniff...I'm all verklempt.

I squeaked a sly one out in your honor..."Ole!"


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana

Chris- that was not a sly one! The fine people of Indiana believe they've just lived through an earthquake.. although they're curious as to why THIS earthquake doesn't have an aftershock, but rather an aftersmell. I can only begin to imagine the confusion (and stench) there in California!

Ole indeed!!!

(Thank you for the compliment. I'm totally not worthy.. but thank you anyway!)


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Sue,

Yeah, like you understand earthquakes....

And she who felt it...


Stan Fletcher profile image

Stan Fletcher 5 years ago from Nashville, TN

Chris - I concur - she who felt it, dealt it. Good one, my friend.

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