75 Sarah Palin Joke One Liner "Quotes"

1. I know all about Iran. I ran for Mayor and then I ran for Governor!

2. I can't comment on the Kyoto Accord as I've only ever seen the Honda.

3. My pregnant daughter is definitely going to marry the baby's father, John Edwards... I mean Levi Johnston

4. I just saw a photo of Barack Obama. Is that what a black man looks like?

5. I look forward to negotiating with the Shi'ites, as I haven't had a good one all week.

6. I wouldn't want to go over to Kabul. I'm perfectly happy with my DirectTV.

7. I think that the drop in the price of stock is a good thing, as now people will be able to make their soups cheaper.

 

8. I've got a four month old, I'm about to be a grandmother, and I have to change McCain's diapers too?

9. Alaskan oil can end shipments of petroleum from the Middle East. Next we need to end their shipments of convenience store managers.

10. I put a $150 bounty on every wolf shot from a helicopter. How much do I have to offer for Obama?

11. I've been a fan of John McCain for years, even since before Kelly replaced Kathie Lee on his show.

12. When the reporter asked me about Iraq, I thought he was eyeing my rack.

13. I know how to deal with Hamas. With a side of eggs.

14. I told John McCain I don't know how to deal with the nasty rumors about me on the internet! John replied "what's the internet?"

15. I know all about Russia. I tried to get my brother in law to play their Roulette.

16. When I started with Yahoo Mail I thought it was a guy who liked to party!

17. I learned about international relations from Todd. He's got Russian hands and Roman fingers.

18. I told John McCain that the best way to deal with Hugo Chavez is to play Bingo with Venezuela: B1, B2, B52...

19. EU? That's what I say whenever Trig pukes up.

20. I warned Obama not to mess with me or I'll get my brother in law to Taser him.

21. I don't know about Fidel Castro, but Todd has a Gibson Guitar.

22. I'm sure victory in Iraq is in the Bag, Dad.

23. I was told Angela Merkel was European. I thought what you're doing when you're in the bathroom.

24. I told the Alaska Legislature that I'm not going to submit to a tainted probe. My daughter's done enough of that!

25. John McCain has a unique and valuable perspective on petroleum production. He remembers the dinosaurs that are now our oil.

26. I have a great Alaskan recipe for Bear Stearns.

27. I'm not going to meet with Gordon Brown in Number Ten. I don't even do Number One in public!

28. I'd deal with a Prime Minister Tzipi in the same way I'd deal with Dee, Doo and Dah.

29. I don't think that Americans should elect Barack Hussein Obama, a man who is related to Saddam!

30. When I'm Vice President I won't discuss government top-secrets on Yahoo Mail. Hotmail is much more secure.

31. I think Dion should win the Canadian election because I loved her Vegas show.

32. Of course I know about the Gaza Strip. I had to wrap one on Todd's injured arm.

33. I educated my daughter on sexually transmitted diseases. We Alaskans are experts in the Deadliest Catch.

34. I'm sorry that the Lehman Brothers went bankrupt as I really loved their bagels.

35. I'm highly qualified as a diplomat: I have a high school diplomat.

36. No, I was Mayor of Wasilla, not a regular on Saturday Night Live!

37. I'm against free trade. I think other countries should pay for our products.

38. If I became President, the White House would go from a Bush to a bush.

39. I welcome Israeli involvement in the West Bank if they can keep it from failing.

40. Senator Chuck Hagel was wrong when he said I don't have foreign experience. When I went to Germany last year, I had sex with Todd.

41. A break with China? I have Corelle as it doesn't break.

42. I support government bailouts. After all, as Governor I bailed out of that damn bridge.

43. I know how to deal with Sarkozy. I'll just ship my daughter to Paris and he'll drop Carla like a rock.

44. I'm sure that was Barack Obama on TV winning the U.S. Open before his knee gave out.

45. I oppose the Lisbon Treaty. I believe women should marry men.

46. Yes, I posed in a bikini holding a rifle. Should I not have worn the bikini?

47. There's no truth that Trig is my grandson! Bristol's not a rabbit!

48. I think we should make Todd the Ambassador to Canada. I know that he's really great at beaver bashing.

49. I have a solution for the oil crisis. We should just extract the oil from Levi Johnston's face.

50. I'm familiar with Russia. My daughter was in a Russia to get pregnant.

51. Does The Bush Doctrine mean he has a female physician?

52. I am well equipped for international diplomacy as I speak in many tongues.

53. I'm not worried about winning re-election in 2012 as the Apocalypse will have hit by then.

54. I thought it was terrible that the Bank of America Lynched Merrill!

55. I'm well equipped to be John McCain's Vice President. I took the Alaska Red Cross CPR class.

56. Palestinians? Is that what my supporters are calling themselves?

57. I've had five kids. I know all about same sex marriage.

58. Of course Obama is a Muslim. Next thing you're going to tell me is that McCain doesn't sell frozen french fries!

59. At the RNC when the crowd was chanting "Drill Baby Drill" John McCain was trying to pull off my panties!

60. The CNN reporter asked me about Ahmadinejad, so I said Gesundheit.

61. I know how to deal with Putin. I got the last one who did that to marry my daughter.

62. No, the sign should say McCain-Palin 2008, not Geezer-Gidget 2008!

63. I'm so happy that John asked me to accompany him to Vienna, Ohio. That makes three international capitals that I've visited!

64. There's no truth in the claim that when I granted half a billion dollars to the chairman of TransCanada Pipelines, my daughter was a free bonus!

65. Wasn't John McCain discussing oil exploration when he said he wanted to drill in my oyster ditch?

66. I believe illegal aliens should be deported and their flying saucers impounded.

67. I'm familiar with the geography of the Middle East. Syria is between Iraq and a hard place.

68. When I'm Vice President I won't stop at just shooting lawyers in the face.

69. I'm glad the Italian government has shut down their local Al Qaeda group: Alitalia.

70. I don't think the U.S. should get involved in Kashmir. I prefer Mohair.

71. Of course I'm ready to be President! It's not like Bush is a hard act to follow.

72. When I was asked how I'd deal with Oil Sheiks, I told them that I've already given Levi Johnston a case of Lubed Durex.

73. John McCain is correct in stating that the US economy is strong, but smell isn't everything.

74. Did I make a mistake when I said we should nationalize the Stanley Cup?

75. I do have views on Russia! In Wasilla with a good antenna we can view Dealski or No Dealski (or Russian Idol, or Desperate Babushkas, or Gorky Park 90210, or Hannah Siberia, or Gulag Break, or Knight Lada, or Redstar Galactica, or The New Adventures Of Old Gorbachev, or Two & A Half Ruskies, or CSI: Moscow, or The Biggest Boozer, or It's Always Sunny In Saint Petersburg, or Tsar Of the Hill, or Dateline KGB, or Everybody Loves Rurik, or Hole In The Berlin Wall, or Dirty Sexy Rubles, or Russian Chopper, or Kremlinfornication, or My Name Is Evgeniy, or BaikalWatch, or Russia's Got Talent, or Ramsay's Borscht Nightmare, or Buffy The Mafiya Slayer...)

OK, here comes the obvious disclaimer: Governor Sarah Palin never said, articulated, stated, verbalized, uttered, mumbled, vocalized, expressed, aired, announced, declared, enunciated, proclaimed, alleged, mouthed, murmured, phrased, thought, imagined, or even dreamed any of these lines! Also... please note that I'm Canadian, so you can't blast me for being partisan!

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Kika Rose profile image

Kika Rose 8 years ago from Minnesota

"28. I'd deal with a Prime Minister Tzipi in the same way I'd deal with Dee, Doo and Dah."

Zipadee doo dah, Zipadee-ay! My oh my what a wonderful day! :-P

"46. Yes, I posed in a bikini holding a rifle. Should I not have worn the bikini?"

Oh god, please no! Keep that bikini on! Better yet, shove a mumu over that mushroom-top you've got going on there. I don't enjoy eye-bleeding.

"70. I don't think the U.S. shouldn't get involved in Kashmir. I prefer Mohair."

It's nice to know she's fabric-savvy.

Hal, beautiful hub yet again. You just keep making me lawl. You should write more funny hubs so I have a better reason to keep logging on every day. :-D


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto Author

Kika, your wish is my command. Actually I tried last year in writing a daily news column in the form of a Shakespearean sonnet but it ranks as one of my worst-attended Hubs ever. It's really tough to get traffic to a Hub that doesn't deal in a specific "thing" as the google bots plunk it at the bottom of the pile. :(


Kika Rose profile image

Kika Rose 8 years ago from Minnesota

... Yeah, that sounds kind of lame, no offense. I just write hubs on stuff I know about or stuff I think I know about (lol). I'm not very good at making URL links within the hub content, so I can't really do interesting stuff without having to use proper citations, and citations make me gag. I usually just pull images from Google Images and then post the pic & site links at the bottom of the hub. Anything more complicated than that'll make my head spin.

Ah, it's good to be blonde. ... Not. :-P But I like my hubs. My friends loved my Small Town stuffs hub, because we all did those things and sometimes still do those things, though now we mostly go out and make funny movies. xD


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto Author

Check it out and lemme know what you think:

http://hubpages.com/literature/NewsSonnet__Tuesday...

It got a couple of good feedbacks, but not the hits, unfortunately. :(

You've gotta put some of those funny movies up on Hub. They sound like fun! :)


Kika Rose profile image

Kika Rose 8 years ago from Minnesota

I'll talk with my friend James about it. I'm not in any of them (I was usually a camerawoman). ... Wait, no, you do see my head in one, but that was because it was a spur-of-the-moment "James, pull out your camera!" thing and I didn't have time to move. xD He posts all the videos on YouTube under an account name I can never remember, but if you go there and do a search for Poison Studios, you can see some of the silly things we've done. My boyfriend's in quite a few of these, too!

I'll check out your hub in juuuuust a second. I have a few other things I'm trying to do. Yay for multitasking!


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto Author

Multitask away! I'll check out the Poison! :)


Misha profile image

Misha 8 years ago from DC Area

LOL Hal, the pic easily qualifies for "Hot Alaskan chicks in bikini" hub. :D

Did you think of writing one? ;)


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto Author

Unfortunately I'd have to reserve that for MILFPages. :)


Kika Rose profile image

Kika Rose 8 years ago from Minnesota

xD Oh god, you made me laugh so hard I snorted! MILF my butt, she's not that hott! She's not even pretty-looking! *falls over laughing*


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto Author

Hey, I'm old, fat, balding, have flat feet and coke bottom glasses. There are days when Joan Rivers looks good to me. And that's even before I drink a beer! :)


stevenschenck profile image

stevenschenck 8 years ago from Sacramento California

While not factual, they are scary close. Worst joke was McCain's ad on the economy that ended calling for EXPERIENCE, Doh....


Kika Rose profile image

Kika Rose 8 years ago from Minnesota

Hey, I'm young, fat, can't walk in heels and am surrounded by mutts on a daily basis, but even I don't go running around screaming "OMG MEL GIBSON IS HAWT!"

I dunno, Steven. It made me giggle. :-P


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto Author

As a Canuck, I can impartially state that I can't understand what EITHER guy was thinking when they picked Veeps. Biden has brought about as much excitement to the Obama campaign as a sleeping pill. Palin gave Geezer a boost for a few days which is turning into a negative as the electorate realizes that she's somewhat to the right of John Wayne and Jesse Helms. My "experienced" political advice is that Obama should swallow his pride and dump Biden for Hillary. Guaranteed win across the board. As for McCain, he should just forget about it since the only Republican who comes to mind who could help his ticket is Ronald Reagan and he's croaked.


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto Author

Kika, I'm kinda like Mel, except you have to subtract some hair from his head, move it to his ears and nose, give him a hairy pot belly, a bumblebee butt, nerd glasses and plastic surgery gone wrong. :)


Kika Rose profile image

Kika Rose 8 years ago from Minnesota

... It was a joke, Hal. Mel = ickynast. Oh, and did I mention how awful Passion was? Because it was pretty dang awful.

Five bucks right now says I've seen worse. Right now. On the table. You haven't met my ex. :-P


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto Author

I'll give you four to one on that five bucks. Twenty dollars says that next to me, your ex looks like Adonis. I'm sooooooooooooo ugly Sarah Palin wants to use me as the poster boy for abstinence. :)


Kika Rose profile image

Kika Rose 8 years ago from Minnesota

Ahahaha, no, I don't think so. His hair was (and still is) always greasy and grimey, even after a shower, he looked like he was doped up all the time, and he can't dress himself to save his soul. And then he tried to grow a beard. xD

Then again, the freak stalks me like you wouldn't belive. It's a good thing he doesn't know I'm moving to Cali, else he'd probably follow me. Then Ky would have to kick his ass with his new Navy muscles. Mmm... Navy muscles... *drools*


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto Author

I stopped having showers years ago as none of the grease and grime was coming off.

He's stalking you too? Damn! No wonder there was a crowd last night behind the bushes by your bedroom window! :)


Kika Rose profile image

Kika Rose 8 years ago from Minnesota

So THAT'S where that smell's coming from...

Oh darn, too bad that window shade's stuck down, huh? :( Sorry I couldn't provide better entertainment with my phone-sudoku playing and searching around that gargantuan mess for a clean pair of socks. Though it might've been fun to watch me dig through the infinite piles of clothes, books, papers and random junk to find my Santa Piggy bank.


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto Author

It's well beyond smell. More like an olfactory symphony. Don't worry about the shade. We stalkers all pitched in and installed a webcam in your heating vent. You look really hot on that Samsung 30" LCD we have set up behind the garage. Oh... and they wanted me to ask you to wear that pink lacy babydoll outfit again tonight. :)


Kika Rose profile image

Kika Rose 8 years ago from Minnesota

Oh really now? I wasn't aware I had a heating vent. Sure it wasn't the chimney? :-P And what pink lacy babydoll outfit? I don't own any pink lacy babydoll outfits, let alone anything babydoll. Can't stand those things...

Are you boys sure you have the right window and not my parents' bedroom? My mom's got one of those shirts... ;-P


quotations profile image

quotations 8 years ago from Canada

"I can't comment on the Kyoto Accord as I've only ever seen the Honda." - that's the best one of all IMO


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto Author

Kika! Your mom's room! AAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHHHHHHH!!! :)

quotations: Thanks! :)


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 8 years ago from Australia

Hillbillyarious, Hal you gotta be an Aussie, if not we'll adopt you OK.

But God man, get those glasses fixed. Mom's room, you should be ashamed.


Chef Jeff profile image

Chef Jeff 8 years ago from Universe, Milky Way, Outer Arm, Sol, Earth, Western Hemisphere, North America, Illinois, Chicago.

# 47 - "Bristol's not a rabbit!" - good thing, otherwise mommy dearest would have to shoot her, field dress her and cook her up for dinner!

BTW - Old Fred "Jim Crow" Thompson told a lie at the RNC - shame on him! He said Sarah Who was the only VP that knew how to shoot and field dress a moose - Teddy Roosevelt did that, not to mention elephants, lions and tigers and bears, oh my!,


Kika Rose profile image

Kika Rose 8 years ago from Minnesota

Yeah, my mom's a MILF. But she's a total biaaaaaatch. >.< I cannot stand the woman. She loves to sit there and tell me I'm fat and that my dad's fat and that we need to lose weight. Pfft. We're not that damn fat, woman! Stop falling into the whole "Skinny is the new Black!" hype and eat some damn food, fo shizzle.


Ananta65 8 years ago

Great hub, Hal!


Dottie1 profile image

Dottie1 8 years ago from MA, USA

I needed a good laugh. Funny Hub. Thank you.


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto Author

agvulpes: I wanted to be an Aussie, even setting up a lovely little house on the Central Queensland Coast but John Howard's Immigration StormTroopers had other ideas. I guess you Aussies don't want any Canucks down there to pollute your beer! Sob... sigh... :(

Chef Jeff: Maybe we should exchange Moose Recipes! :)

Kika Rose: Please send photos of your Mom... (that's only since you're taken by Mr. Navy Muscles)... :)

Ananta65: Thanks! Much appreciated!

Dottie1: Glad to be of service! :)


Kika Rose profile image

Kika Rose 8 years ago from Minnesota

Dude, you don't wanna see pics of my mom. She makes Sarah Palin look like a primped poodle. :-P


soregrapes 8 years ago

awesome collection of the RUNNING MATE


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto Author

Kika Rose: Yeah, but I bet she's way smarter than our fine Governor. She'd have to be. Did you see that interview with Katie on CBS??? GASP!

soregrapes: I think she should go RUNNING away and MATE with an Alaskan moose! :)


Kika Rose profile image

Kika Rose 8 years ago from Minnesota

She's a ton smarter. But she's very caniving, which tends to make her a total pain in the ass. And no, I didn't see the interview. I don't watch much TV anymore; two jobs make for little TV time.


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto Author

There's a whole bunch of excerpts on YouTube. Just go there and key in Couric Palin and check some out. You will be totally gobsmacked! :)


Kika Rose profile image

Kika Rose 8 years ago from Minnesota

Yeah... Me and YouTube don't get along... Y'see, I have dial-up... >.>


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto Author

There once was a girl: Kika Rose,

Who I tried to woo with my prose,

But her modem was slow,

So she didn't know,

That I wanted her out of her clothes!

:)


Kika Rose profile image

Kika Rose 8 years ago from Minnesota

*falls over laughing!!* So we're playing with limericks now? Ooh, let me give it a go!

There once was a man named Hal

Who is one of my very good pals.

He got kind of silly

And said quite beautifully

That he was interested in naked young gals.

I laughed at his attempt to flirt,

And said that I'd rather eat dirt

Than go on a date

With such an old mate.

So I'll gladly keep buttoned my shirt.

;)


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto Author

Hey, Kika... just heard the news. Sorry to hear that. I'm emailing you! :(


Kika Rose profile image

Kika Rose 8 years ago from Minnesota

Eh. I get over stupid stuff quickly. I'm fine right now. :-P

What, no comment on my limericks? Were they just that amazing, they stole your words? lol. It's not worth it to dwell on the negative. Why not stay in the positive present instead?


desert blondie profile image

desert blondie 8 years ago from Palm trees, swimming pools, lots of sand, lots of sunscreen

Sooo glad I found this! Hilarious!


tristaprez profile image

tristaprez 8 years ago from Portland OR

After the debate tonight, you should have plenty of fodder for some new jokes.


marvdiggity profile image

marvdiggity 8 years ago from New Jersey

#75 hahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahah


betherickson profile image

betherickson 8 years ago from Minnesota

lol!!! I'm sharing this to my friends. This is so hilarious.. I love it! :) Thumbs up!


laflat7 profile image

laflat7 8 years ago from localhost

LOL! it is really funny :D Especially ?50


Browserspiel 8 years ago

Is that true or not? Can't believe this :(


Chloe Comfort profile image

Chloe Comfort 8 years ago from Long Island

Great hub! Still laughing...


Fan of Political Jokes 8 years ago

I love it, we should get a live Palin line going, We did one on Obama earlier

Use 218-339-2222 Conference ID 2008 Say every Friday, Sat and Sunday at 7PM EST

This should be a hoot!


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

Hal, why aren't YOU writing for Letterman, Conan, Ferguson, Leno, Stewart or Colbert? I swear, these are brillilant! Hard to pick a favorite, so will adderss the disclaimer. Hal said: OK, here comes the obvious disclaimer: Governor Sarah Palin never said, articulated, stated, verbalized, uttered, mumbled, vocalized, expressed, aired, announced, declared, enunciated, proclaimed, alleged, mouthed, murmured, phrased, thought, imagined, or even dreamed any of these lines!"

Damn straight. And even if she did:

a) she wouldn't see anything remotely wrong with any of them.

b) she lacks the intelligence to come up with 99% of them -- even coached and scripted

c) she's so friggin arrogant that she'd probably think the laugh's on us, not her.

I'm going to share this hub with like-minded (you know, people who have, like, you know, minds) friends. THANK YOU!!!


JYOTI KOTHARI profile image

JYOTI KOTHARI 8 years ago from Jaipur

Veyry good. very interesting. Humorous yet speaking a lot about the top politicians, Presidential and vice-Presidential hopefuls.

Jyoti kothari


Gwen 8 years ago

These are great - how about coming up with some more now?!

And for anyone looking for the "standard" Sarah Palin jokes, most of the best are showing up at URL:

http://www.SarahPalinJokes.com/


Dorsi profile image

Dorsi 8 years ago from The San Francisco Bay Area

Hilarious!! You are very talented Hal!


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto Author

Kika Rose: For the record, your limericks were 100% spot on and just goes to prove further that you are an exceptionally intelligent, bright, witty and marvelous young lady which places Mr. Navy Former BF in the category of "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?" I was approaching the news of your breakup with kid gloves as I have spent many a day comforting people (both men and women) in your situation and I know that the emotional impact can be severe. It goes to show once again that your bra (which I know I will never see... sigh...) most certainly has a big red S shield sewn on it!

desert blondie, marvdiggity, betherickson, laflat7, Chloe Comfort, JYOTI KOTHARI, Gwen, Dorsi: Thank you so much for the kind words! Much appreciated! I'll likely do some more topical humor stuff in the future as this went over so well.

tristaprez: Sarah handled herself quite well, actually surprisingly well. Proves that the GOP has excellent coaches. But this trying to tie in Barack with Bill Ayers is just a sign of the desperation on that ticket as the poll numbers plunge. KEEP IN MIND I'M A CANUCK AND I CAN ONLY VOTE (AND WILL VOTE) FOR STEPHEN HARPER! SO I HAVE NO VESTED INTEREST IN US POLITICS. I'M JUST HAVING SOME FUN!

Browserspiel: Please read the last paragraph of the Hub!

Fan of Political Jokes: Let me know how it goes! I hope it's great fun!

Mighty Mom: I'm not writing for the late night hosts because they won't hire me. I'd love nothing better than to sit in a windowless basement office of the NBC building in Burbank cranking this stuff out all day long. If you have any contacts there, I'd definitely pay you a finder's fee! :)

To the TWO DETRACTORS who want to play the role of party poopers: This is a fun humor Hub and that is why your negative comments have been deleted. I have no interest in entering into a polemic over political ideology. This is not the place for that. There's plenty of places on the web where you can get involved in knock down drag out fights about whether Elephants are better than Donkeys. This is all in fun. Therefore, I will repeat: KEEP IN MIND I'M A CANUCK AND I CAN ONLY VOTE (AND WILL VOTE) FOR STEPHEN HARPER! SO I HAVE NO VESTED INTEREST IN US POLITICS. I'M JUST HAVING SOME FUN! OK?


Misha profile image

Misha 8 years ago from DC Area

Vote for McCain!


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto Author

Vote for McAbel! :)


Kika Rose profile image

Kika Rose 8 years ago from Minnesota

xD Canucks make me giggle. I actually knew a kid named Canuck. At least, I think that was his name, because that's what (literally) everybody called him.

Yeah, that's how all my friends responded when they found out, too. They were all very cautious and careful of what they said. Which is the weirdest feeling in the entire world, because I'm an extremely outspoken person and am not used to being babied about a boy. But I completely surprised myself by how well I'm handling things. Like, last night I went to this awesome punk rock show down at the Triple Rock Social Club in Minneapolis, and there was this super cute boy, and he was really funny and nice, and I was totally flirting with him! ... But I forgot to get his name and number, so I'm a little bummed out about that. Oh, and Friday I went to an acoustic show down in Buffalo, and met a cute guy there, too! Sadly, he turned out to be gay, but he was so much fun to hang out with, I'm glad we became friends. xD

I have no luck with men. How I even managed to get Mr. Navy Retard in the first place is beyond me. Though I found it funny as hell that his own brother (who's a good friend to me) completely agreed that he's an idiot in dumping me and that he's going to come crawling back in a couple of months with the usual "Oh, Monika, I'm so sorry! Will you ever forgive me and take me back??" like he always does when he pulls a stupid stunt. :-P See, this is why men are fun; they're predictable and their idiocy makes me lawl. ^_^


Misha profile image

Misha 8 years ago from DC Area

And who is this guy???!! :D


shibashake profile image

shibashake 8 years ago

lol -awesome hub. The Kyoto Accord one is totally precious. Also love the ones on Lehman Brothers and Bear Stearns. Hopefully we can all still laugh after the Nov. elections.


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto Author

Kika Rose: I'm glad to see that you are much stronger emotionally than the average teenaged lady, so definitely kudos to you for handling it right. Yeah, Mr. Navy really messed up this time. When he comes back on his knees, feel free to kick him in the head! :) Besides, everyone knows that when a woman has a choice between a tall, muscular, fit, attractive, virile young sailor and a fat, balding, short, flatfooted, hairy old pervert with Urkel glasses and pants up to his armpits, she should always choose the latter! :)

Misha: That's ME! The "fat, balding, short, flatfooted, hairy old pervert with Urkel glasses and pants up to his armpits" one, anyway! As for McAbel he is our only hope to make it back to the Garden of Eden! :)

shibashake: Thanks! I had a great time writing this. Somehow, I don't see too much laughter ahead of any of us in the next few years, unless there are some people out there who get their jollies by dumpster diving! :(


Kika Rose profile image

Kika Rose 8 years ago from Minnesota

*falls over laughing* Oh man, don't make me laugh! I have a huge headache! >P

I think I'd rather go for the Navy muscles. ... Mmm... Navy muscles... *drools*


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto Author

Nah, Navy Muscles are no match for McDonald's Muscles... you know... the ones you get hanging over your belt... :)


Misha profile image

Misha 8 years ago from DC Area

I'm with Hal on that :D


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto Author

Blubber is sorely underrated as an object of sex appeal. People of both sexes should begin to appreciate the pleasing texture and aesthetic value of cellulite! Fat people unite! BBWs and BBMs Forever! :)


Misha profile image

Misha 8 years ago from DC Area

Amen! :)


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

Hi Kika, glad to hear you are engaging in positive activities. Music and flirting -- a time-honored heartlifting combination. You seem like too much of a free-thinker to be with a Navy guy -- even if he's buff as hell. The brain is the sexiest part of the male anatomy -- isn't that right gentlemen... :D.

Hal, I have bad news. I do have contacts at NBC NY (The Today Show) but they are not transferrable to Burbank. Sorry. Guess you're destined to remain safely and sanely north of the border...


Kika Rose profile image

Kika Rose 8 years ago from Minnesota

What'd I tell you about making me laugh! xD

Hey, I'm not saying there's nothing wrong with blubber. I got enough to go around! :-P It was the Urkle glasses and the old pervert-ness that did you in, Hal!

I'm off to go to the doctor's. I need to get this headache checked out. I get them too frequently for my personal comfort. Later boys.


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto Author

Misha: Fat Guys Are Best, CENSORED The Rest! :)

Mighty Mom: Hey, I could write gags for Al Roker! His stuff is pretty lame anyway! As for the brain being sexy, mine is just perverted so I couldn't comment! :)

Kika Rose: A remarkable method which really helps in many headache cases: Close your eyes and try visualizing a big full red balloon. Now over a matter of minutes let the air very slowly out of that balloon until it's completely empty. You'd be surprised, but many people report that by then, their headache is much better!


R. Martin Basso profile image

R. Martin Basso 8 years ago from California

gotta admit that I chuckled at this one Hal. A LOT. Well done!


rob reinhart2004 profile image

rob reinhart2004 8 years ago

IT WAS AWESOME AND VERY HILARIOUS


trozanbd 8 years ago

Thanks for sharing


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto Author

Thanks for the kind words guys... much appreciated. I think you'll find this very funny too!

http://hubpages.com/literature/The-Funniest-Sarah-...


jdeschene profile image

jdeschene 8 years ago from Boston, Massachusetts

Many of these are really hilarious! Thanks for sharing!


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto Author

Thanks for the kudos! Now can you put in a good word with Leno or Conan? I'd really love to write for them! :)


mariane14 profile image

mariane14 8 years ago from USA

that was alot... i cant read it all as of now but i know will enjoy the rest of it....


euphorial 7 years ago

This is absolutely awesome! I know it's all fictional, but it sounds like something I could fathom her saying! Great job. :)


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

mariane14, let me know when you get to the end of it. It's not exactly War & Peace, though! :)

CMF, she is nowhere near out of the picture. There is a significant percentage of the GOP who's trying to (GASP) position her for a run at the White House in 2012!

euphorial, thanks!


Home Décor 7 years ago

Ohh man that guys launching the shoes was really funny! Bush will be remembered by being a good ducker.


397268 profile image

397268 7 years ago

I friend of mine lives in Alaska, and when he comes home now everyone he meets asks him if he know Sarah Palin. It drives him nuts.


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

I thought Alaska was inhabited by 8 people and they all knew each other! :)


jax 7 years ago

sara palin jokes - best one!

Hey! Ya wanna see something funny? I mean REALLY A PANIC!!! LOL, FALL DOWN funny?In youtube, search for:sara palin jokes - best oneit's a screeeemmmm! LOL still!


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

Been into the happy juice much, jax? :)


kephrira profile image

kephrira 7 years ago from Birmingham

thanks for the laughs


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

You're very welcome! Sarah Palin Forever! :)


Vladimir Uhri profile image

Vladimir Uhri 7 years ago from HubPages, FB

This is absolutely special desert, Hal, for :-). I enjoy it soooo muchie. By the way I love Sarah. Pity I did not win, I vote for her.


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

I love Sarah too! I would have voted for her, but they'd probably arrest me if I tried (I'm Canadian). :)


C.Ferreira profile image

C.Ferreira 7 years ago from Rutland, VT

Ha! I can't stand that idiot. These are hilarious. Well played.


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

C. Ferreira, look at it this way. If McCain had won, his ticker probably wouldn't have lasted through the excitement of the victory speech, so she'd be president. We would have no foreign policy to speak of, our economy would likely have tanked more, the Arctic Ocean would be one large oil spill, we would all be mandated to attend church on Sunday, and the White House would have been moved to Alaska by now. BUT AT LEAST WE WOULDN'T HAVE A COMMUNIST PRESIDENT! :)


nazishnasim 7 years ago

Hal,

That was hilarious! Thanks for the weekend laugh! :D


nazishnasim 7 years ago

Between did you hear the one in which she thinks Africa is a country!? :D


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

Is Africa a country? I thought it was just an old song by Toto! :)


ljrc1961 profile image

ljrc1961 7 years ago from Michigan

hysterical! Where'd you get that photo in her bikini?


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 7 years ago from Toronto Author

Thanks! That's a famous image that has been going around the net for a while. It's acknowledged to be a Photoshop job, but it's really funny nonetheless! :)


ericukd 6 years ago

I didn't think it was possible to do worse than Bush then along came Sarah Palin. One dangerously dumb, cruel, gun toting bitch the world can do without!


Ghost32 6 years ago

Hal, thanks for this one. Despite the fact that I'm a rabid, diehard, radical Sarah Palin supporter, I took not even one little old iota of offense...and some of these are absolutely freaking hilarious!

True, it's possible I'm just having an off night. :)


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 6 years ago from Toronto Author

ericukd: How can you say that about a woman with such advanced expertise in foreign relations? :)

Ghost32: I'm more right wing than you, actually I'm more right wing than the late Jesse Helms and Mussolini combined, but IMHO Sarah belongs in an insane asylum. How Americans can possibly believe that a woman who hasn't the slightest inkling about how the world works and academic achievements dwarfed by a six year old can sit in the Oval Office. Have you ALL lost your minds? (No offense intended...) :)


samboiam profile image

samboiam 6 years ago from Texas

Oh my freakin side is hurting. That was too funny.


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 6 years ago from Toronto Author

THANKS! :)


DevinG profile image

DevinG 6 years ago from Redlands

Very funny! Thanks for the good laugh :)


Kael Myril profile image

Kael Myril 6 years ago from Tacoma, WA

Very nice! Anything that makes fun of Sarah Palin is worth doing, and you did it well. Go Canada!

Thanks for the funny.


ltfawkes profile image

ltfawkes 6 years ago from NE Ohio

Holy-moly. How long did it take you to come up with all these? And they're all good! You're my new comedy hero.

L.T.


Hal Licino profile image

Hal Licino 6 years ago from Toronto Author

Thanks guys! Hey, what can I say... The subject matter lends itself so wonderfully to this treatment it wasn't hard at all. :)

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