A Cautionary Carrot Tale

Learn from my mistakes

The thing about humanity is this: we tend to learn from the mistakes of those who have gone before us, and we alter our behavior accordingly. To that end, I offer the following cautionary tale, regarding the dangers of the seemingly innocuous carrot. Learn from my example, and live a long and healthy life.

If you happen to order vegetables from Bountiful Baskets, and if you happen to purchase the 25 pound bag of carrots, pay special attention. If you are like most people, and you buy regular carrots from the grocery, you can still learn, so don't stop reading yet.

If you begin to eat a carrot, and one of your children tells you a joke, DO NOT LAUGH.

This is imperative, and the first rule of surviving the dangers of carrots. If you never laugh, you can still learn a thing or two, so please, continue reading.

If you do begin to laugh, and you inhale a huge chunk of carrot into your windpipe, it could be dangerous. You might end up at the hospital on the last Saturday of spring break, and find that the surgeon who could remove the carrot from your windpipe is still at Disney World.

If the surgeon is not available, you might find yourself on a Life Flight to Utah, to have a carrot removed from your windpipe. I know, it sounds ridiculous, but apparently, if you ask to go home, or you drive yourself to Utah, and you need to be intubated, you could potentially not make it to the hospital in a timely manner. Apparently, they can intubate a person choking on a carrot, if the need arises, on Life Flight.

When you finally make it to a large hospital, the admitting doctor might tell you to try to choke it up, which you could have been trying to do for the preceding three hours. You might sarcastically say that you hadn't yet thought to choke it up, and thank him for the great, albeit expensive advice. You then ask to be hung from the ceiling and beaten, which reasonably sounds like a way to dislodge a stuck piece of food from the windpipe, especially if you have been choking and pounding on your own chest for several hours. If you suggest that, the doctor might laugh. You can also ask to be punched hard in the stomach, but you probably won't find a hospital volunteer willing to perform the procedure. At least, I didn't. You could ask your worried spouse to pound on your back, while you hang down over the bed, but be warned that it could cause the carrot to move deeper, which is extremely painful.

Eventually, a bronchial specialist could explain that the carrot is wedged in your lungs, and needs to be removed endoscopically, or you risk infection, pneumonia, or death.

So, you choose to have a bronchiotomy, during which you are fitted with a dental guard, which strangely resembles something worn by Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs. And although you have been cracking jokes and choking for nearly four hours, it is virtually impossible to speak past the dental guard, and it might feel like a medical conspiracy, intended to silence you. It is just a safety precaution to prevent you from biting down on the expensive medical equipment.

And then, the nurse might prep you with some noxious gas that renders you quite sleepy, and unable to keep up the witty repartee of the last hours, but still cognizant of the doctors talking in the room, as they send a scope into your lungs, in search of the erstwhile carrot.

And suddenly, you will awaken, and they will show you a large chunk of carrot pulled from your right brachial tube. And they will explain that if they had not removed it, you may have died, or become severely infected.

And that is why you should always slice your carrots into thin strips before eating, and you should never let your children tell you jokes, especially while eating carrots. Believe me, it happened to me, it could happen to you. And that is why I have banned all laughing from our house.

Namaste Friends.

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Comments 22 comments

laurathegentleman profile image

laurathegentleman 4 years ago from Chapel Hill, NC

I always knew deep down that carrots were dangerous...

This is a hilarious cautionary tale! I'm sorry to hear about your carrot trauma!


Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah Demander 4 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD Author

It is true, they pretend to be healthy and good for you, and then they try to kill you. Vegetables are not to be trusted!

Namaste.


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 4 years ago

Wow, what a horrible story. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I am highly suspicious of carrots and when my grandchildren eat them, I get very very nervous. I feel the same way about sour balls. Hope you're feeling better.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 4 years ago from California Gold Country

That must have been awful, but ban the carrots, not the laughter.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 4 years ago from North America

There used to be a UK magazine website called Blue Carrot. Now I know why - it is the color your face becomes after you inhale your friend, the carrot.


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 4 years ago from USA

"DDD" (Dear Deborah Demander) -

My goodness - imagine what it would be like if you were to inhale the entire 25-pound sack of carrots from Bountiful Baskets. By the time the medics got through with you (should you have actually found any medics working that day) there would be nothing left of you except some carrot peels and probably the other 24.5 pounds of chomped-up carrots. :)

I had a time of it here trying to figure out if you were being a purveyor of good humor in your well-written article or if you were serious about the deadly aspects of carroting...

The next time I read one of your hubs I think that I should eat a carrot so that my eyes work better - carrots being full of A-vitamin supposed to benefit eyesight.

Gus :-)))


Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah Demander 4 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD Author

Thanks, Breakfastpop. I know it has given me pause, and now I am constantly following them around and telling them not to laugh while eating. Poor kids are going to develop a complex.


Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah Demander 4 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD Author

Rochell, Good idea. I can't really ban laughter from my house anyway, as all my children think they are comedians.

Namaste.


Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah Demander 4 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD Author

Thats funny Patty, thanks for the humor. Now I've coughed coffee all over my keyboard.

Namaste.


Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah Demander 4 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD Author

Thanks Gus. You're pretty funny yourself. Looking forward to checking out your hubs.

Namaste.


Brainy Bunny profile image

Brainy Bunny 4 years ago from Lehigh Valley, Pennsylvania

I am so sorry for your trauma, of course, but I loved the way you wrote this hub. It reminded me of "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie," but of course it didn't end with you eating the carrot again!


Phil Plasma profile image

Phil Plasma 4 years ago from Montreal, Quebec

Wow, who would have thought that carrots could be so venomous. Entertaining and cautionary hub earning you a vote up. I'll be sure to take your advise on the sliced carrots.


drbj profile image

drbj 4 years ago from south Florida

Who knew, Deborah, what evil lies in the consumption of an unbroken carrot. Thanks for this urgent warning.


MayG profile image

MayG 4 years ago from Melbourne, Australia

What an ordeal! I'm so impressed you could write about it with such humour. You know, I never put carrots in my kids' lunchbox in case they choke at school, and I've always suspected I'm being a little neurotic, but your hub has reaffirmed my fears!


Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah Demander 4 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD Author

Brainy Bunny, I haven't given up entirely on carrots yet!


Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah Demander 4 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD Author

Thanks everyone, for the feedback. A little neuroses is not a bad thing, necessarily!

Namaste friends.


twoseven profile image

twoseven 4 years ago from Madison, Wisconsin

Hilarious! Now I have more justification for avoiding carrots other than that I find them incredibly boring and my son once choked on a quarter of a blueberry. Glad to hear your adventure all turned out ok - but what a crazy experience!


Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah Demander 4 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD Author

twoseven, it was definitely a crazy experience, and a good reason to avoid carrots. At least while laughing.

Namaste.


Lynn Nodima profile image

Lynn Nodima 4 years ago from United States

Thank you for sharing this cautionary tale. I will pass it on to my grandchildren, who are forever joking around during meals. Maybe I should puree their food like I did when they were tiny tots?

I am happy your carrot adventure is over.


Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah Demander 4 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD Author

Yes it was quite an adventure. I've tried juicing with carrots, but the kids don't like it. Not sweet enough I guess. It's hard to choke on juice, but still possible.

Namaste.


gerimcclym profile image

gerimcclym 11 months ago from Colorado

Wow, this had to to be a very scary experience to go through. I never really gave much thought to the way I slice my carrots, but I definitely will now! I will also keep this in mind when I feed carrots to my little dog :) Thank you for sharing this.


Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah Demander 11 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD Author

Thanks for stopping by, gerimcclym.

It was a scary experience, but my kids still laugh about it now. And yes, I too, am much more careful when chopping carrots.

Namaste

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    Deborah Demander profile image

    Deborah Demander603 Followers
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    Deborah is a writer, healer, and teacher. Her goal is to help people live their best lives everyday, while sharing her joy and love of life.



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