A Child's Confusion - Chapter 3

Running Free

Source

Freedom at last!

I am about two years old and I am running down the driveway of our home and I am running from my mother. I am happy and I feel free. I have broken loose and I am running away from the nappy. My mother wants to put a nappy on me but I want to be free I want to feel free. I have nothing on I am naked and it feels great. My mother shouts as she runs after me and her words make me feel ashamed and dirty. Her words make me connect my nakedness and my freedom with shame. I feel dirty about my nakedness and she catches me. She hits me and brings me back into the house. My feelings are all mixed up. "I" is emerging.


Terror

Source

I am with my father in the car. He is drunk and as he drives up the driveway he asks me to find my mother. I get out of the car and  I go looking for my mother. I find her huddled in her dressing gown on the step outside the back door. She looks at me with fear and anger in her eyes. She tells me to go away. I am afraid of her but my Dad asked me to find her. I don’t know what to do and she is really scaring me as I am glued to the spot. I can't move. I feel she could hurt me and just then my father appears and he attacks her. I am just relieved my father came when he did and I didn't give my mother up because he found her. I feel the gap widening between me and my mother but I still have my father and he loves me. I am about three years old. 


Angry Fighting and Shouting.

Source

I am in the kitchen and my father is beating my mother who is crouched in a corner screaming. There is a lot of noise and the sound of breaking crockery and glass. There is a knife on the kitchen table and it has a wooden handle. My mother is shouting at me to stick it into my father. My father is wearing a sarong and his top is bare. I am looking at the knife and I am thinking about sticking it in my father’s back but I don’t want to. I am afraid of my mother and what she will do to me later if I don’t do as she says so I approach my father with the knife and am relieved as he turns to me and knocks me across the room and relieves me of the knife. My father saves me again. I feel my mother hates me because I have not done what she asked me to do. I am about four years

Separateness

Source

To this day loud noises trigger panic in me and I react angrily. People fighting and angry faces have the same effect and I become that three year old boy again.

I has learned not to trust adults. Adults are unpredictable and can turn on you in an instant. Adults only care about themselves and I is beginning to realise that the world is not a safe place. I can't trust my father completely any more. I is beginning to look for ways to become safe again. I is unsure who I is any more. I is separating from me.

Links to Connected Chapters

Comments 12 comments

Marianne Byers profile image

Marianne Byers 5 years ago from Central California

overwhelming. Intense. Sad.


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia

intense and powerful read, thank you for opening a window into this dark world that many innocents find themselves locked in


Goyakla profile image

Goyakla 5 years ago from United Kingdom Author

Thank you Marianne and nighthag for visiting. Your interest is appreciated.


tnderhrt23 profile image

tnderhrt23 5 years ago

An intense, emotionally poignant write to which I again relate, different faces and places, similar messages...


Goyakla profile image

Goyakla 5 years ago from United Kingdom Author

There is a point in everyone's life when there is a separation between "I" and the me we create. Most people never realise how important this event is in their lives. I am glad that you are connecting with what I am writing about. Thank you for your valuable time.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

You are a very powerful writer. I am sad to read it but it is so compelling.


Goyakla profile image

Goyakla 5 years ago from United Kingdom Author

Thank you RealHousewife for you kind comment. Have you noticed how I write every hub in this series in the present tense? There is a very good reason for this. I wonder can you guess why?


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Is it because you are living it again as you work it out onto the paper? That was my first instinct.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Ohhhhh I have always wondered about that! The repression I mean (is that the correct word?). I am not that smart doc, I read Wally Lamb's "she's come undone" and I think something like that was used in the book. I just never could guess why that was the approach!

I just talked myself into circles in therapy:)!

Now I get it! Don't know why I couldn't guess that but I will totally give myself some slack because you are the doc - not me!

Now what an excellent one you are too! I'm glad to learn from you.


Minnetonka Twin profile image

Minnetonka Twin 4 years ago from Minnesota

I feel so sad for the child and all the chaos and confusion and feelings of fear and not being safe. I felt the same way as a child. You know my mom and dad were alcoholics and I have countless episodes of these moments that created issues in me till this day. I am getting inspired by your accounts as It's so much what I went through. HMMM? One of these days, it would be healing to write my accounts.


Goyakla profile image

Goyakla 4 years ago from United Kingdom Author

There are so many children in the world today who suffer because parents are unable to provide a safe and stable environment to nurture their children and ensure they grow up confident and secure in themselves. I was shocked to learn from my daughter only yesterday that she is the only one in her class of 30 coming from a home that has not been broken through divorce.

The financial pressures people accept in order to have the material things they desire means that both parents have to work during the most informative time of their children's lives.


Minnetonka Twin profile image

Minnetonka Twin 4 years ago from Minnesota

Wow, that is shocking that so many are divorced in your daughter's class. I am so glad you are living a great life and able to give your children the stable home you didn't have as a child. I have goosebumps!

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