A Gorey Affair

(bigjournalism.com)
(bigjournalism.com)

By: Wayne Brown

Oh, the horror! To open up the newspapers, turn on the television, surf the Internet…I cannot get away from the news of it. No, it’s not the spill, although it is fair to say the two incidents might be related in some far reaching manner. No, it’s not Obama but I am sure there are those who wish it so. Heavens no! It’s not Nancy Pelosi! Nothing so scandalous could ever happen to a woman who flies everywhere non-stop in a government plane. No, it’s bigger than all of those things.


Okay, you’re gonna make me say it. Al Gore’s got a girlfriend! There, it’s out. Hardly believable but it is out there in all it nakedness. Al Gore, probably one of the few guys who could come home and tell his wife that he was sleeping with another woman only to have her laugh at him. Well, what can I say? Ol’ Al is one of the boys now I reckon. Get him a beer and move down a stool. Al wants to sit down!


Here I am visualizing a “mad-scientist wanna-be” who spends all his time in the basement of his Tennessee energy-burner of a home calculating how he can make just one more fortune selling carbon-credits to the unsuspecting American public. I could just see this man pouring over piles of books voraciously absorbing the technical terminology of our atmospheric and environmental genre. Studying holes in the ozone, checking out the rain forest, doting over the horrors of shallow-water drilling were just a few of his pastimes.


When Al relaxed a bit, I imagined him moving near the mantle on the fireplace to take down his Nobel Prize and polish it ever so softly with a hermetically-treated carbon-free Sham-Wow. In my mind, Tipper would be standing just out of sight in her June Cleaver high-heels, wrapped in a gingham kitchen apron looking on with love and admiration. Once each dust fiber had been carefully removed, Al would gently place the Prize back to its righteous place on the Gore mantel adjacent to his autographed picture of Bill Clinton.


I can almost hear Bill Clinton commenting on this one, “Hey Gore, I hear they caught ya’ with your britches down. Looks like I’m not the only one playing footsie in the toolie bushes, Al. Now zip up your pants and let’s go look for some women.” You see Al wanted to be a hero ever since he was just a wee boy standing beside his big Senator dad who asked him every day, “Whatcha gonna grow up to be, Al?” Well he didn’t know but he knew it had to be something big. So when it became apparent to him that he was not going to single-handedly win the Vietnam War serving as a photo journalist, he just decided that it was high-time that he go out and invent something. So he did, that is according to him…he invented the Internet. Wow, that’s just one more reason for a woman to chase after him and beg to have his child. Ya got it goin’ on Albert!


To say that my bubble has been burst is probably the biggest understatement of the year 2010. Well, maybe the second biggest, there was that one the President made about “being in charge.” Oh well, I’ll let him have that one and take second place. Anyway, there goes my bubble up in smoke. Just as I thought we had finally found a potential replacement for Ward and June Cleaver, Al goes and pulls a stunt like this. Ward Cleaver never had a girlfriend, not with that high-stepping June waiting for by the front door every night. No Sir!


What are we as people to do? While Al is out prowling the streets looking for babes, we are stuck with trying to figure out how much a carbon-credit is worth and whether or not we can pick them up down at the 7-11 store. Al has really left us in the lurch with these shenanigans. Just when you find yourself a hero nowadays, a man you could watch and follow in his footsteps, he gives you a head-fake and comes up a sinner. Where will America turn to fix the hole in the ozone layer now?


I know this can’t be true but I heard it this morning. They say Al has flown down to Louisiana to have a private session with Rev. Jimmy Swaggart. Supposedly, Jimmy is going to give Al some pointers on how to break down crying on television and confess his sins of the flesh with this woman who was obviously on a mision to bring down this savior of mankind. In those famous words of Rev. Jim Baker, “I was wickedly manipulated by treacherous former friends and colleagues who victimized me with the aid of a female confederate.” “That’s exactly what happened to me,” Al will probably say after his training session with Swaggart.


So you can see my dilemma I am quite sure. Our environmental savior has bitten the fruit of the common man. He hides in the shadows while still chewing at bits of the apple relishing its sweet flavor. The environmentalists of America are truly now like a ship without a rudder. The naked facts hang hideously from the edges of the soiled sheets of false matrimony. Al Gore has gone the way of the common man.


Oh what a future he might have had. Obama might have made Al his new Gulf Coast Energy Czar. He would have led a commission down on the beaches. Al could have come ashore with salt water ringing the cuffs of his suit pants. Al Gore, a pipe in his mouth and a look on his face reflective of MacArthur on his return to the Philippines, coming to the southern land of his birth, his heritage, his love. Al Gore, a leader here to save a nation from the ravages of crude oil. Al Gore, a man destined to one day soar up to sew up the hole in the ozone layer. All of that potential greatness is washed asunder now. Al has traded it for a little skank.


Our lives will go on. We will find another who will rise up; take up the mantra, and lead the common man once again. The sun will shine in the heavens. The carbon-credit formula will be solved. The hole in the ozone layer will be healed. Mankind will bask in the glorious beauty of all the natural wonder. But, not Al Gore, no, not Al Gore. He will forever be banished to his Tennessee farm to sit and rock on the porch pondering what can only be “an inconvenient truth”.


© Copyright WBrown2010. All Rights Reserved.

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Comments 23 comments

Tom Whitworth profile image

Tom Whitworth 6 years ago from Moundsville, WV

Wayne,

Just the visual conjured up by Al Gore in a this affair makes me nauseous all that flab he's developed flying around the world in his private jet.


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas Author

Woooo...I missed that visual Tom! Kinda glad I did! WB


maven101 profile image

maven101 6 years ago from Northern Arizona

Wayne...I loved your " goring " of Al Gore...I wonder if he will get any carbon credits for trading in his old wife for a new, energy-efficient model..? Larry


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas Author

We can only hope, Larry. It seems like the efficient thing to do. This new one, in the words of Billy Joe Shaver, is "built for speed with the tools you need to make a new fool every day." WB


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 6 years ago

Oh Wayne, say it isn't so. Not Al, not the man who invented the internet. Oh my, Al is a philanderer! I have to go now. I need to take an aspiring and lie down.


JWestCattle profile image

JWestCattle 6 years ago from Texas

Great read! Al has a gal pal! Oh the mighty one has fallen. And Tom is right....ewwwwwwww, Gore has begun to look decidedly reptilian, I usually think lizard or frog, you know, with a neck pouch and fat 'show your money' belly. :)


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas Author

@BPop & @JWestCattle....Yes, I am ashamed to say the nobel prize winning fat mad scientist has been caught with his britches down. His wife thinks the evidence will "tipper" scales in her direction. Stay tuned for new! WB


sheila b. profile image

sheila b. 6 years ago

What's the surprise? Just look at Larry King - when a man has enough money...Funny thing is, they really think they're loved for themselves!!


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas Author

Well, pop my suspenders, Sheila...you mean its the money and not the man? That means i ain't got a snowball's chance in hell of beating Gore at that game! WB


TimBryce 6 years ago

First the O-Bomb the other night, now Big Al -- Easy stomach, easy boy.


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas Author

Tim...I'm thinkin' Al elected to go with the "lights out" to earn some carbon-credits while enjoying a trek through the wilds. Wow! If I had known a Nobel Prize would be good for pickin' up women, I would have tried to get one! Thanks Tim. WB


ladyjane1 profile image

ladyjane1 6 years ago from Texas

Al Gore, a leader here to save a nation from the ravages of crude oil. Al Gore, a man destined to one day soar up to sew up the hole in the ozone layer. All of that potential greatness is washed asunder now. Al has traded it for a little skank.

Say it isn't so!

Brilliant but not surprising. Im sure he learned lots from his old buddy Clinton. Al is by far a smarter man however as he invented the internet and all and Clinton still doesn't know what the definition of the word "is" is. Genius read, loved it. Cheers.


saddlerider1 profile image

saddlerider1 6 years ago

Wayne this is a very Gorey story and to think he is human like the rest of us. He has slid down the ladder and is not alone with the likes of Willy Clinton, Jimmy cry baby Swaggart and Jimmy and Tammy Faye golden girl.I wonder what part of the Internet he created? while he was behind the green door with Marilyn. Well Mr Gorey this is going to be a bitter sweet pill to swallow, oops forgot Linda Lovelace. Al has some explaining to do, but he is a politician with a slick tongue so I'm sure he will find some ever green reason for what he did:0) Good hub Wayne, put a smile on my face. I rate it UP


Yuck 6 years ago

Wayne Brown, you are not exactly a handsome guy yourself. You disingenuous story poking fun at Gore is juvenile and ridiculous. Neither of you guys would be cute in bed.


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas Author

Gee, Yuck...I must have stepped on one of your carbon-credit heroes! The hub had no bearing on whether or not I retain any handsome qualities nor is it a discussion of my sexual prowness although I will say there are a few who might argue with "long and har" on that subject. At any rate, I am really glad that you were thrilled with the piece and on the subject of how cute I am in bed, I really am too booked up for that one, check with Al. WB


md_azamkhan profile image

md_azamkhan 6 years ago

nice shearing wayne brown


magnoliazz profile image

magnoliazz 6 years ago from Wisconsin

WOO HOO!!

This has me laughing so hard. When i heard the news of the Gore divorce I figured right away that he had a girlfriend somewhere. He was real big and fat, and then suddenly he was a whole lot thinner, a dead give away.

He better go and pray! it just goes to show, girls, you have to work at keeping your man. Never get too comfortable, never let your self go, or he will find a younger, slimmer version of you!

I bet she is 20 years younger too!


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas Author

magnoliazz...don't know her age but from what I heard she is the wife of Larry David who was the original producer of Seinfeld. The fact that she is taken with Al doesn't say much for David's style. I guess she just couldn't deal with the magnetism of that Nobel Prize. WB


cosette 6 years ago

the press is going to have a field day with Al's own catch phrase "An Inconvenient Truth". i can see David Letterman, Jay Leno or Jimmy Kimmell now with a hydraulic lift and a big chart...

fun hub. :)


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas Author

@cosette...you are so right! That was my inspiration when I wrote this piece was to build to a crescendo that landed on that phrase. This guy has finally found his niche espousing a concept that has no viable proof and few scientists willing to lose their federal grants to argue it. What a shame so many people are making money off of the environment pretending to truly care and seeming to "donate" their time in the process for this noble mission. There's a word for it...."bullshit!" Thanks for the read and the comments! WB


C.A. Johnson profile image

C.A. Johnson 6 years ago from South Hutchinson, KS

Since you read one of mine, I figured I should return the favor.

I like your sense of humor and viewpoint. It has become a sorry state when the affairs of politicians, both current and former, are more pressing news than actual politics.


cjv123 profile image

cjv123 6 years ago from Michigan

Hilarious - and what about them massages he's been getting after hours in hotels?! EEEEEEEWWWWWWWW - oh GAG, GAG, HURL!!!


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas Author

@cjv123...I go out each morning and get the paper off the lawn for the wife before leaving for work. I usually just scan the headlines as I lay it on the breakfast table. There it was on the front page...Al Gore in an affair! I could not get it off my mind, all the way to the office I was saying "Albert's got a girlfriend, Albert's got a girlfriend". Then I thought, (and excuse my French) Why you smug holy than thou mad scientist bastard, how dare you accept a Nobel Prize while living in a house that devours energy, claim you invented the internet, and go around yelling the sky is falling, the sky is falling! Then that title of the warped movie of his "An Inconvenient Truth" went running through my mind and I knew his ass was mine! Sorry about the massage gal...she had not surfaced at the time...might be a sequel! WB

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