A Lament of Ice and Sorrow
Please listen to the songs listed while you reach each paragraph/section. And wait until the song finishes before starting the other section
The violin plays its slow sorrowful tune bidding you farewell; its haunting music borne from broken strings, shattered dreams, and promises left to the dead for fulfillment entwine with the slow beating heart of a piano piece that speaks of pain and loss. The tune is a lament for those who have been betrayed by faith, by time, and left shut below in a world where they are restricted from seeing their loved ones.
One stroke after another screams the violin of the treachery in defeat, how everything fades after the time in the hour glass dissipates. Treacherous indeed is how life has made you slip from between my tight grip. Betrayal was cast all over the act of treacherous monstrosity. For you, were the reason why I lived, and the propeller that made me want to fly and touch the heavenly gates at the very top. I sought a lot to tell, a lot to beg forgiveness for, a lot to share, a lot to confess, but I was never good at talking, and my words always failed me when I stared at you in your state of grief and sorrow.
God, I wish I could turn back time and tell you how I feel now. Maybe I could say that although we had a terrible life, living with you was worth every single tear shed. Perhaps, and maybes, it seems that I am living in a world of impossible possibilities where regrets and sorrow mix together to add a flavor of acrimony to my already bitter sweet memories. I honestly do not know why my words have failed me that day, why I trembled when I laid my hand on your hair, and why my soul can’t find peace.
I AM SIMPLY LOST AND AT PAIN!
Please listen to the video included while reading this section as well.
[Distress ＜Fukushuu Imashime no Te＞]
I dreamt of you today, early in the morning where peace is supposed to be found. I saw your pain as they “doctors” offered nothing but spite and mockery to add to your agony. They never saw that your current state of sickness paid for the person I am now. They never were able to witness your greatness when you were on your feet. They never were and never will be able to see the sacrifices you’ve made to raise us from the ashes that life has buried us within. They will never understand perhaps they are little empty vessels with no purpose in their lives.
They treated you like a sack, with no emotions of its own, no pride and dignity, like a creature with no soul. And yet, to me you kept your pride and dignity, to me you were my hero with a dark past; you were my pride and dignity.
I woke up crying, hugging my knees to my chest like a 2 year old child. Thrown out of my sense of tranquility I cried at 5:45 am, and although the dream was nothing but a dream, it was more than a dream to me. It was a minor piece of reflecting glass that showed your pain and suffering. Perhaps, had I been a bit more human, I would have told you how much you mean to me earlier on. Yet regrets come at the very end.
Yes, indeed your past was a dark mystic one that no regular human was given to uphold, yet you shined brightly on the darkest nights. I might not have said that, but in the saddest of times, in times where the world has betrayed us, where everything is simply wrong and unjust, where God has deemed us to suffer, your faith in him has never been shaken. And looking back, somehow I find strength in the religion you sought to be your stronghold, perhaps I, too will find peace and shine just like you, brightly on the darkest nights.
People follow the North Star believing in its radiance, its guidance and its existence as a pointer that will lead them through the darkest nights. Not until recently, had I known that you were our star, the pillar for our little stronghold, and the current of life that flows into our barren souls. It is such a shame, that I, came to understand your worth after you have departed, and indeed it brings me to tears to see you suffer even in my dreams.
Good people should not suffer even in other’s dreams; good people are the cleansing river of this impure life. Good people should remain crowned after their death for their deeds are what make them transcend regular people like us. You were not GOOD, you were great, to the outer world a regular faceless vessel but to me you were great, perfect through your imperfections.
Please listen to the song to the right.
[The courage ~Yuuki~]
I honestly do not know how I never found the courage to tell you how much I loved no, love you. Now, all those strangers reading my writings say you seem to have loved your dad a lot and your words move some unmovable wall in our souls. Yet, why are my words always so late; why do they come out when they are least to matter, and why is silence the only thing I greeted you with when you were bidding me farewell?
Dad have I fallen and stooped so low that the only emotions I can show are that borne out of regret or loss; emotions that can be seen and witnessed by unknown faces, unknown names that know nothing about you and your grace? Why was it so damn hard to speak up in your face and bid you farewell when I had the chance? I simply do not understand myself; I really don’t and I feel wrong, no, that I wronged you a lot throughout those years. I want to say much yet I find myself silenced by regret? Is it regret?
Was I running away or currently presenting the outer world with what they expect to see from my writings after you have passed away? I honestly do not get how I feel. I feel broken and scared, sad and distressed yet I rarely cry.
Why is it that the emotions break me to mold me to watch me shatter again yet the tears won’t fall until I am shattered beyond repair? Why does it take a dream like mine to make me cry and wail when I feel like tearing my heart out as of how much it pains me not see you around? I honestly do not get it, and I want to, I honestly want to cry and show that I miss you, because I really do. I want to show it to you, not to the world, the world will always sympathize yet will not understand, for after the entire world does not know you, and the great person you ARE.
I feel missing, somehow lacking and betrayed, and I am honestly not okay. I want to hug you one more time and kiss your hand yet all what I have is the soil you were buried beneath. Somehow I wish I had a strand of your hair to hang on to, a piece of your big wild dreams to grasp and believe in, or something that reminds me of how glorious had you lived your life. I search yet I simply can’t find a glimpse of that. Or is it simply that I can’t find a glimpse of myself anymore?
Somehow, I want to make you proud of the life you sacrificed, of the pain and humiliation you endured, somehow I want to hold you for once and whisper into your ear that I really appreciate it, that I really won’t let your life that was given free of charge to us go to waste, yet, at the same time I want the world to know that you were my Great father.
Those people tell me all what I have now is my family, after all they are part of you, part of mom and now that is all that remains. They said you faded away and my family is all that remains, but you were part of my family and that chunk did not fade; not at all. You do live on within us, your memory and scent are all over the place, yet, somehow you are close yet afar where my human hand can’t catch or lay a finger on you.
[The story of prince and princess]
I want to hold you one more time, I don’t know why but I feel far away from you, so far that I feel like hitting myself to feel warm. It is cold, death is and it has its stealthy treacherous nature as well. It stole you away from my family, and the lord knows that you were the youngest of all your brothers and sisters, the most gracious, the least harming, the warmest of all, and the good-doer between them. I feel betrayed, I feel backstabbed, why did it have to be my father, why did it have to be my family?
You told me that it is God’s will, and surely it is, but, I still feel lost and somehow, I can't find peace with all that has been lost.
I miss you so much it hurts. And those are not my emotional words spread on paper but this is really how it feels. Somehow I can say I feel dead, losing continuously, and in pain. Yet, my pain is nothing compared to what you have endured throughout those 10 months. There were indeed swift fast months yet slow and merciless months, and I pray to Allah that you found peace afterwards. I love to believe that your goodness will cleanse the soil you were buried in. I love to believe that, for you were a great person, someone who was too good to live long? Is it true that all the good people die early?
Regardless, you are and will always be my beacon of hope, and those people will never understand what the world has lost; they simply won’t. They will read my words, tell me to get stronger for what does not kill you makes you stronger, and that you are in a better place, they always do, but they will not remember the great person who once breathed this air, the person who aided them when they were aidless; they simply won’t.
Somehow, humans are ungrateful creatures, they forget, or do they force themselves to forget the great help you offered when they were in need?
I don’t know what else to say but you are the great person you have made yourself into. You are my one and only father, the simple foundation for my house of sanity.
[Ano Sora no Shita de]
I miss you so much and I pray to God that you find his paradise and make it your new home. Perhaps, I would like to join you one day after I have led a path that will make you proud of calling me your daughter. God, I miss you so much although I fail at showing it, and I really hope you will welcome me into your arms one day saying, “Welcome back my lost child”. I really hope one day I will meet you again in a better place.
I do not care how successful the world sees me; I am a failure for not noticing my blessings until they have left. Perhaps it is part of being human, but part of it is also lacking at being humane. I have failed to recognize actual times when I was humane, when I was “feeling” and when I actually portrayed how much I cherished your sacrifices.
A Failure I am. Yet, is it mendable?
اللهم إغفر له و ارحمه وعافه واعف عنه و أكرم نزله ووسع مدخله و اغسله بالماء والثلج و البرد، و نقه من الخطايا كما نقيت الثوب الأبيض من الدنس، وأبدله دارا خيرا من داره و أهلا خيرا من أهله، وزوجا خيرا من زوجه، وأدخله الجنة، وأعذه من عذاب القبر ومن عذاب النار
Oh God, forgive him and have mercy on his soul, honor him even in his death. AND grant him your paradise and wash his sins and body with ice and water until his sins are washed away like a plane white dress that is spotless.
May you grant him a home better than his own, and people who are better than the ones he had, and a spouse better than the one he had. Let his soul enter YOUR paradise and protect him from both grave and hell's questioning.
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