A Letter to my Father by Martie Coetser
My dearest Pappie
How I miss you!
How I wish you were here!
How I wish I could look you in the eyes and hug you with all my love.
When I close my eyes, I can still feel you just as you were the last time in the grip of my hug. I haven’t told you how concerned I was because you’ve lost so much weight. Gosh, I could feel your ribs and thinking of it now, I am all over astonished. You never had an inch of excessive weight, I know, but you were never gauntly and bony. So I was stunned and I doubted the qualifications and competence of your doctor. A month later, when you had that fatal cardiac thrombosis, I realized that my concern was not a baboon on the other side of the mountain, but Death himself on our doorstep.
Pappie, you are always somewhere in the front of my mind. You would have loved all the opportunities this world now offers to the living. Your genealogic research would have been so much easier and less expensive, you would have marveled in the history of the human race.
You would have been a writer of historical fiction, I am sure. You would have been extremely happy, practicing all your talents in this world today. Oh, and of course, you would have still hated Jan Tax. Maybe you would have been the president of a group opposing that pet animal of the Government.
I know you would have been proud of me.
Yes, Pappie, sorry, I still have a ‘but’ for everything, and I know you would grant me this, as always.
If you were here, I would still feel guilty because I’ve disappointed you while you held me in such high esteem. You were so proud of me; you had so many high aspirations for me. Why did I destroy all those beautiful dreams you had for me? I’ve shocked you so totally speechless! Even while you’ve forgiven me, while you’ve accepted reality with dignity and kept on treating me as if I was still your clever, eldest daughter, your disappointment in me and my feelings of guilt settled into a solid wall between us to keep us emotionally apart until the very end. How I wish we could have talked about that. I know if we could share our thoughts and feelings, the wall between us would have disappeared into a heap of dust.
Anyway, Pappie, I’ve learned how to live with this wish that will never be fulfilled.
Sorry, Pappie, I still have another ‘but’…
It was not all my fault. You were too damn busy with yourself and your personal goals to give me the love and attention I needed. You expected too much of me; you’ve taken me for granted. But really, I am not throwing stones. I am just saying. Just so you know I am not carrying all the blame to my grave.
Sorry, I am still cheeky, Pappie, still audacious enough to speak out and face the consequences with my chin in the air. Of course you will not send me to my room. You’ve learned the ineffectiveness of this control-technique long before I’ve left home to live my future in the territory of another stern authority.
And, of course, I don’t blame you for anything. You were but only you. You have never neglected me on purpose. In fact, your intension – for all your doings – was to give me and all your beloved children more of you and what you could gather in this world. You were just you - caring, protective, with the highest aspirations for yourself and your children. And you were always so in love with our mother. How many times I caught you red-handed hugging her where you thought nobody would find you? And I’m not going to say anything about all those giggles I so often heard through the closed door of your bedroom.
In my eyes you were perfect. If only you knew what you were supposed to know at that specific stage of your life everything would have been different. The incident, and also its ripples, would not even have had a chance to happen in our lives. But then I would not be so happy today, being the mother and grandmother of such beautiful and adorable offspring. I am so proud of all of them.
Pappie, this is but all I have on my heart. Besides this, I treasure the most wonderful memories of you. I was always so proud to be your daughter. And I still am. So very-very proud. Maybe too proud. I am irritating the living daylight out of everybody, bragging about you all the time.
I hope with all my heart that you are happy in Heaven. Oh, of course you are. In my dreams I always see you wearing a white coat - like those of doctors on duty. But you are not a doctor, but a researcher on the moon or some other planet, gathering monsters of the surface, and you’re not at all lonely and sad up there. You are completely absorbed in your work and thoughts, you don’t even see or hear me calling your name. In the belly of that moon-like planet are many laboratories where people like you serve our ingenious creator. Yes, I always knew that Jesus will not make you sing in a choir for the entire eternity; He knows as good as I, no, better, that you will always need a challenge to meet.
Pappie, I will always-always love you with all my heart.
Your only eldest daughter,
© Martie Coetser (16 Junie 2012)
Copyright :: All Rights Reserved
Registered :: 2012-06-16 16:30:15 UTC
Title :: A LETTER TO MY FATHER BY MARTIE COETSER
Category :: Publication
Fingerprint :: cbf7eabedb0e4b8455eeee8008552a1eff0edb54940ef3c6f62e54cbace44c28
MCN :: CWPTU-U7TNH-4SSRM
A Punch of a Comment
haggard50 ~ If fathers only knew that their relationship with their daughters is immortal. If daughters only knew that their fathers aren't. Then we would keep all those loose ends tied.
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