A Poem- I will be there underneath

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You only get one try at life- Don't blink

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The truth is much deeper than my soul

This isn’t always who I have been

If you peel back my layers you may see where I’ve lived.

I lost, I have left, I have died in moments,

I feel lost in my years and I am not sure how I wound up here.


Have I earned this place in a life that feels like a race?

What have I earned-how should I be?

I wash off the dirt-to see if I still can see me.


Broken smile, this girl has become hole.

I lost my fracture as I caught grasp of this world.

Save me from a life, I didn’t mean to live.

I created my own hell- help me release some of my sin.


Doubt fills up my heart-I cannot forgive myself

For the damage I have caused- Was never meant for someone else.

Shallow laughter of wasted years- I wipe from my cheek an outpour of my tears.


I still can’t breath-I still doubt I belong,

I still wonder if I even learned- the difference of what is wrong.

I cannot explain why I have become this way.

I cannot figure out why it is me who forgot the rules of my own game.


You look and you wonder and you believe I am whole,

I tell you not to focus on me- the truth is much deeper than my soul.

I am engraved in fear-that I am not supposed to be here.

And when I am found- I will not have the means to make my way out.


Every day I still struggle for what I feel the need to consume.

I still can feel empty and I feel lost that I am lost within you.


Bath me in the darkness.

Darkness that can take over the light

Take me in shallow places-and show me this isn’t right


Teach me how to breathe-before I can’t see.

Show me that as the dirt washes away- I will be there underneath.


I hope the tears are lost,

I know that they found a way out,

Shake me-Make me-Pray that I can figure my place out.

I pretend that I am okay- I place a smile on my face and lose yesterday.


It is not about me-as much as I wish sometimes it was.

I have no longer a moment to lose what I do not know.

Clouds break up-the moon moves in,

I read another bedtime story- so I can be tucked in.


Sit down for a nap.

With eyes that will not shut.

Each day glides into the next day,

As I then begin to lose what thought I thought I could trust.


An alternate ego-that doesn’t quite make sense.

Is it my alter ego- or is it the guidance that God has sent?

I cannot believe that I am not who I was.

When did I grow up-what happened to the world?


I missed my own life focusing on what I didn’t have.

Now I am awake and the world is unfamiliar,

As I try to rediscover what it is I no longer lack.

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Comments 41 comments

Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks 4 years ago from Brownsville,TX

Ms Porter this is more beautiful more than words can say.

It is sad but just simply beautiful ...I don't know if you write about yourself or just like to write like i do but If this is about you I pray you find what you are looking for.

Be blessed my dear.

debbie


Daisy Mariposa profile image

Daisy Mariposa 4 years ago from Orange County (Southern California)

Holly,

I am very impressed with your poetry. Thanks for publishing this.


mythicalstorm273 profile image

mythicalstorm273 4 years ago

Wow... I feel the pain and emptiness in here. It is like it is calling to me and describing how I have so often felt, but yet it is a world away since I have climbed out of the hole that this reminds me of. Really well done and quite beautiful sadness as well!


Cagsil profile image

Cagsil 4 years ago from USA or America

Hey Holly, yet another interesting read and I continue to learn more about the person you have grown to become, as well as, the path you've journeyed to get where you are today. Voted up! :) Great piece of writing! :)


iamaudraleigh 4 years ago

I can relate to these two lines in your poem:

"Have I earned this place in a life that feels like a race?"

"Now I am awake and the world is unfamiliar"

My sister gave me a necklace engraved with the words: "Never"

"Never"

"Never"

"Give Up"

I am paying it forward to you!

Thank you for the poem!


AudreyHowitt profile image

AudreyHowitt 4 years ago from California

A lot of sadness in this piece!


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

Thank you Deborah. To respond to the question, I have a tendency to write about my journey- not necessarily my present. My present is where I have come to understand where I have been, and more so the mistakes I have made- I have also come to terms with not always having the answers. I write about it because I figure, if I feel it-more than likely someone else has been there too..Thank you for reading and for commenting, I appreciate your response, very much.


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

oh, well thank you Daisy! I appreciate that, and am honored. Thank you for reading :)


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

mythicalstorm273, Thank you for your comment- I am glad that you liked the poem, although I am sorry that you can relate to the words. I am glad you found your way out from underneath .


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

Thanks Cagsil! I appreciate your feedback and vote ups! Every piece of writing is a part of my soul and my heart- just as yours is for you.


writer20 profile image

writer20 4 years ago from Southern Nevada

You are a great writer of this sad poem. Voted up and awesome, Joyce


Smalltowngrl 4 years ago

Wow, this is very sad but beautiful. You're soo good at expressing feeling. I felt like this poem was something coming out of my own mind, even though I don't even feel this way, I could really grasp it! great read!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

Hi, Wow! so sad, and so very true, I feel this could have been written about me, but I couldn't put it into words like you did, amazing! rated up and shared!


Capedium profile image

Capedium 4 years ago from Texas.

Life's really is a journey.. Tough.. Sad.. Strong.. Unexplainable.. Confusing.. Sometimes frustrating.. But in the end a journey and just like every journey it comes to and end.. Just like every challenge, one wins.. Just like every pain.. it heals to become joy and like every story it has a glory.. Great Hub.. I had tough time trying to leave a remark, I just didn't know how best to put it.


AEvans profile image

AEvans 4 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

What usage of words. I had to go back and read the poem again. You went deep within to express many facets of life. I to often ask myself, when did I grow up? Your poetry is meant for me to inhale and then exhale so that I can take it all in. Beautiful. I also enjoyed your pics, those also painted a picture of life. Thumbs Up!


jenubouka 4 years ago

How this piece speaks, or screams, out to me H.C. I found myself nodding with every word written, and the tears swelled in the form of bare truth. If I could choose an anthem for my own personal path, this incredible poem is it.


kdee411 4 years ago

Epi, I'm glad you woke up, that way very interesting, and a lithe scary.

Later

Kay


snigdha.s profile image

snigdha.s 4 years ago from India,mumbai

Very touching poem. The line " I have died in moments" was enough to stir emotions. There is no word to describe how beautiful this poem is. Thanks for sharing.


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

Thank you for commenting, I am so glad you found the poem. Sorry it has taken me almost two weeks to respond- I am having a trying time with work and havent been able to get back to my hubs to read and respond lately.


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

AudreyHowitt, thank you for your comment. Sometimes the out pour of sadness is healing...which it was here.Thank you for reading :)


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

Writer20- thank you for your comment- I am glad that you liked it, and am honored by your comment :)


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

smalltowngirl- thanks for much for commenting, I am glad you enjoyed the read- and thank goodness you can not relate too closely, :)


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

Nell, I hope you are not so sad as I have been or was... It is not a good place to be. Thanks for the comment and share, I appreciate every bit of support :)


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

Thank you Capedium, your remark was priceless and appreciated :)


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

AEvans, it is always an honor to have you read and comment on my work. Thank you for sharing your thoughts about it- I appreciate the feedback.


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

jenubouka,

Thanks for the comment and the honor of feeling so closely to something I was able to write. I greatly appreciate the feedback :) Hope all is well with you!


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

snigdha.s

and thank you for reading and commenting, I appreciate the feedback and am glad that you enjoyed my writing!


Vincent Moore 4 years ago

Holly this is a very poignant read. I see a baby born, a little girl, a teen, a woman, a mother a writer and the journey has just begun. We all have come from confusion in our mind. I know when I scribe it comes from my past, my present and my future. Mostly though from my past.

I to got messed up along the way, stumbled, fell and got back up to continue on the journey of life. Many of us have scars and thus we are who we are. We were developed in our exposure to the world. We are who we are today from what we were molded and shaped into. I know you had a tough past as I did. My mean streets were mostly in Hell and I found my way.

This is a very immense piece, it tells much about Holly the baby, the girl, the teen, the adult, the mother and scribe you are. Wonderfully done my fellow poet. Bravo, voted Up, awesome, beautiful and most interesting.


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 4 years ago from On the edge

An incredible poem and these lines spoke to me, in particular:

"I cannot believe that I am not who I was.

When did I grow up-what happened to the world?

I missed my own life focusing on what I didn’t have.

Now I am awake and the world is unfamiliar,

As I try to rediscover what it is I no longer lack."

I often get the feeling I missed my own life, not because of focusing on what I didn't have, but just in surviving it. Moments into days, months and then years flew by leaving me to try to discover some diamonds among the shards of glass.


Sharyn's Slant profile image

Sharyn's Slant 4 years ago from Northeast Ohio USA

Holly ~ this is such a beautiful and revealing piece of art that no doubt speaks to many, including myself. For me, I feel that I am "coming out from underneath" a decade of toxic love, pain and confusion. For whatever reason, it is my time to really take a close look at things, the mistakes I've made and how I can change my future. That said, so many of your lines trigger me like "I cannot figure out why it is me who forgot the rules of my own game." and "I pretend that I am okay- I place a smile on my face and lose yesterday." So, Holly, I am really touched by your wonderful writing here!

Sharyn


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

Thank you vincent, your comments mean a great deal to me and i appreciate you taking the time to give me your feedback. More so lately than never before, I have been facing myself and what I am most unsure of, which is me. I have been told a number of times that my biggest issue and what keeps me held back is my fear-and I should have more confidence in who I am. I am working on it, but you are right- my journey has often hurt and I have most often been my worst enemy. Letting go of the fear is something that I fear within itself. Thanks for the encouragement- I truly appreciate it :)


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

Poohgranma- thank you- i guess we all struggle at some point or another and when we wake up, sometimes the world really is an unfamiliar place to walk in. I am not sure what I did with my youth, I wish I would have appreciated it and taken advantage of the opportunities that I ignored. I am glad that you have found some diamonds- I am getting there as well. thank you for sharing you feedback.


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

Sharyn- thank you so much ma'am for your comment. it is funny how long i have hidden between a smile and tears. So much I wish I would have learned before I was who I am. I seem to be at battle within myself most days and constantly fighting what it is I do not understand, which is people. I do not trust, and this is my fear, than no one truly cares and no one is truly hear for anyone but themselves. Perhaps someday, i hope soon- this fear will fall apart and I can be comfortable in this world. Perhaps we will both find the things and place we have been searching for within our souls? I hope and I pray that this is soon...


jhamann profile image

jhamann 4 years ago from Reno NV

This a powerful and awe-inspiring poem that I will bookmark to read again. Thank you for sharing. Jamie


Poetic Fool 4 years ago

This was beautiful, doubtful and so sad. One line in particular kind of haunts me, a beautiful line:

"I lost, I have left, I have died in moments"

I've bookmarked this one so I can come back again. Simply wonderful. Thanks for sharing it. Voted up, awesome and beautiful.


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 4 years ago from Louisiana

Great words and photos. A powerful piece. Many times I've felt this way. Where did the time go? When did I become this person that I am today? What happened to the past and how quickly it became the present in a blink of an eye things we once had are now gone. We lose and we leave and learn and we bleed, and we live....each day beginning over and over again and we fall deeper away from who we used to be. Great hub!


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

Jhamann- thank you for your comment- I appreciate you taking the time to read and leave your feedback- glad you enjoyed my work :)


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

Poetic Fool- Thank you! I am honored that you enjoyed the poem :) Thanks for commenting and bookmarking!


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

nikkij504gurl,

thanks for another comment. I am glad that you enjoyed this poem and could relate. time passes by and while living a moment we stand praying that time shall fly, without ever realizing that it is. I wish I could go back and say to myself, enjoy the moments- once gone they are gone forever, but i am not sure it would matter, even if i could. thanks again for your comments :)


PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 4 years ago from Portland, Oregon

I love the photos in this piece, Holly


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

PDXKaraokeGuy, thanks- I appreciate that, I am glad that you liked them :)

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