Laughs for Everyone
Critical Swine Flu prevention tip...... Don't DO This!
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
Genuine Thomas Cook Holidays Complaints.
DO READ IT AS ALTHOUGH IT IS FUNNY, IT IS ALL SO VERY TRUE...............................
This was sent around from Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the guests complaints during the season. " Some people should not be allowed to go on holiday!!!!!"
"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."
"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."
"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."
A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".
A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.
"The beach was too sandy."
"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."
A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.
"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."
"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."
“No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.”
"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."
"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."
"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"
"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."
"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."
"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."
"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
Funniest Comments Aired on British TV and Radio
1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3.. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford Crew?
5. US PGA Commentator 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ...... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'
10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.
John Francome, racing pundit. On seeing a woman in the crowd with a hat with two feathers sticking out, He says........She looks like a pheasant plucker
Here's a couple from the wonderful world of cricket, both uttered by the late, great Brian Johnston:
"The bowler's Holding the batsman's Willey."
"Neil Harvey's at slip, with his legs wide apart, waiting for a tickle."
JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
THE new stand at Doncaster racecourse took racing commentator Brough Scott's breath away... "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
METRO Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Famous 'Johnners' Cricket Commentary Quotes.
John: Oh, I say, this is interesting, one of the teams appears to be bringing on a new bowler- I myself would have advocated a top hat at this point, but we shall have to see how they use it.
Fred: Oh John, you're such a card... perhaps even more significantly though, England are putting in young Willy Johnson to bowl the ball towards the Australian batsman.
John: Uh, who precisely is batting for Australia at the moment? I'm afraid I may have missed him coming on when I fell asleep during that last over, about half an hour ago.
Fred: To tell you the truth I'm not entirely sure either John -- it's a bloody nuisance the way everyone seems to be wearing white clothes, I've got no idea who's whom.
Steve: If I may interject Fred, I think that the word "whom" has a silent "W"... It's pronounced "hoom" rather than "wom".
Fred: ...Shut up, Steve. Anyway, I think Jeff Holding is batting at the moment.
John: So... the batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willy?
John: (sighs) That's not funny, John
Fred: Well, look on the bright side, at least Terry Cumminon wasn't batting.
John: It's a gorgeous day don't you think Fred? Wonderful conditions to be whacking balls around in.
Fred: Yes indeed John, and the moist pitch means the batsmen have been fumbling the bowlers' googlies all day
John: Not so for Holding though, who apparently plays with a straight bat; no-one's going to manage to slip one down his off-side, I can tell you that.
Steve: Absolutely right John -- he certainly guards his stumps better than many here.
Fred: And I hear he's not too keen on sodomy either.
'Johnners' Cricket Commentary Quotes Continued.
John: Well, uh, the players appear to be standing around right now -- what do you think of that Fred?
Fred: That's a bold move John, I haven't seen them standing around in precisely such a manner since... well, since before the last ball.
John: Yes indeed, and it's some really first class standing around they've been doing this season -- although, of course, some might argue that they'll never live up to the truly great stander-arounds of yester-year. Anyway, for those of you just joining us right now I can tell you that a group of men from one country, I think it might be England are occasionally throwing what would appear to be a ball of some sort towards a man with a bat, whom I suspect to be from Australia... but someone might need to check that out for me, and he's just played a terrific agricultural shot, catching the bowler's crafty dipper for an absolute peach... I think. I'm afraid we were having a discussion about scones at the time. But anyway, that was a little while ago and he is now standing around. As is, well, pretty much everybody else.
Fred: I think some attention must be paid to the precise manner in which they're standing around, the like of which I don't think I've seen recently; maybe our statistician can check that out for us... ?
Steve: I can inform you John that it is indeed Australia who are playing, much to my personal surprise, and you Fred that this is in fact the fifth time they've used this mid-offside standing around formation this year, the rate of decline in its frequency of use interestingly enough being the differential of of last year's corresponding figures, with a surprising standard deviation of 0.521385 from the mean, which is exactly the width, in metres, of the brim of Shane Warne's hat. Coincidence? I think not.
Fred: Well, that's very illuminating, thank you, Steve.
Nothing Happens Some More!
John: Well, the players seem to be enjoying themselves- the umpires appear to have dozed off right now, but I'm sure someone will wake them before the next ball... I dare say we'll be going in for tea soon anyway. But right now, there are some rather lovely clouds overhead -- what do you think of that Fred?
Fred: Those are very fine, um, strato-cumulus, by the looks of them. And, I say, there's a very fine plane as well.
John: Gosh, that is exciting. And I think there might even be something going on in the game right now.
Fred: Good Lord, yes -- some of the fielders are even moving a little bit, it must be significant.
Steve: I think you'll find, John, that young Crotchworth just spun in a smashing full-length leg-cutter, a real shooter, which the batsman, Wayne, thinking Crotchworth something of a pie-chucker, tried vainly to waft, but he was castled good and proper, giving Crotchworth a wicket maiden, and so Wayne, normally a fine batsman, is gone for a duck, and may be his bunny before long.
John: ...I see. Are we going in now then?
Fred: Yes, I do rather think it's tea-time. Come on chaps, up to the pavilion.
John: By the way Fred, where are you in the batting order next innings?
Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Cricket_commentary"
New Zealand Rugby Commentator – "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
One of the finest of all time, a classic Colemanballs while commentating on an Olympic 400m final, delivered in that somewhat preposterously pompous voice of his - '...and Alberto Juantorena opens his legs and shows his class...'
Steve Levy, on sportscenter in 1995, was set to report that Patriots CB Maurice Hurst was out with a bulging disc. Unfortunately, Levy misspoke and said he had a bulging dick. Keith Olberman couldn't stop laughing and was in tears by the commercial break.
"Botham just didn't quite manage to get his leg over" on being given out Hit Wicket whilst attempting a hook shot
"Samantha's going out now for an ice cream with her new Italian gentleman friend. She says she's looking forward to licking the nuts off a large Neapolitan."
And (November 2006): "She's popped out to visit an old gentleman friend of hers who's a notorious curmudgeon. However, she finds that if she butters him up properly she can sometimes get him to splash out."
Another shows the extent to which the BBC allows these observations of Samantha's activities: "In her spare time, Samantha likes nothing more than to peruse old record shops. She particularly enjoys a rewarding poke in the country section."
An alleged interview with Harry Redknapp after a player had made a significant second half contribution;
Reporter: "Did you think about pulling him off at half-time?"
Harry: "No. He had an orange like everyone else!"
I remember on 'Pot Black' many years ago Fred Davis was on the table and the the commentaor said:
"Fred is too old to get his leg up so he is just going to use his left hand"
"I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue!" also gives a rich source about Lionel Blair and "Give us a Clue" A couple of examples:
"During 'Give us a Clue's' Italian tour, Lionel Blair managed to finish Two Gentlemen of Verona easily within two minutes"
"Lionel Blair nearly choked as he tried to finish off Twelve Angry Men in two minutes"
"Lionel Blair found himself stretched by A Man Called Horse"
I remember a few years back watching an England match where the two commentators came out with something like:
1st: "The keepers come quick."
2nd: "Yeah that's right, Seaman was all over the ball."
An old boat race commentary went along the lines that you could tell that Cambridge were stroking better because of the jerking of their cox.
More by this Author
There are a number of signs or clues to look for that may warn you that you are getting old. I have drawn up a list that I feel may help anyone with any doubts to identify for certain that they are finally "over...
Quoted here are some of the funniest and most bizarre epitaphs I have come across. I am sure they will make you smile too, and I would love to hear of any others you may know of.
If you suffer with severe period cramps and bad period pains, you need to read this article and potentially see a doctor once you have done so...