A Beeping Washing Machine - What Kind of Genius Thought That Up?

Albert Einstein - awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics in 1921


George Formby - Chinese Laundry Blues

Julie Andrews

Ian Paisley

Does anybody know who invented the beeping washing machine? I'm trying to imagine the thought process of the person or persons who conceived that spark of ingenuity.

I bet they phoned home to their nearest and dearest, cock-a-hoop with their day's work, gushing expansively about the life of celebrity they were duly to embark upon, whilst dreaming of their big moment ascending the podium to feign modesty as they accept their Nobel Prize. "I should think a half hour speech will be sufficient Mum - I shouldn't think Albert Einstein liked to rabbit on too much about his genius, either. Its not at all becoming of someone of my scientific stature."

I can understand the whistling kettle, but who needs a washing machine nagging at them - bragging incessantly about its latest triumph?

I don’t need beeping at, to know when its mission is accomplished. I know straight away, because the house stops shaking and I can chance a sip of my tea without any fear of getting it all over me. These beeps are about as redundant as bombing a third World country, then giving them a wee courtesy tinkle on the dog-an’-bone, just to let them know, that you've stopped for a tea break.

“Yeah, we clocked that,” (somewhat tetchily,) “when our homes stopped collapsing around our heads.”

The thing's self-obsessed - it goes, “Meee-meee-meeep.” Then it takes a break - just long enough for the vexed mind to settle a bit - and then off it goes again, with its automated nagging.

What’s the urgency? What’s it going to do? Will the washing suck the pee and pooh back up the drainage pipe - and start soiling itself again? Will it try to escape out the porthole and off out the back door? Is it like a merry-go-round at the fair? “Step right up, all aboard - get your tickets here! Next wash begins in thirty seconds - sharp!”

Should I be concerned that it might start the next cycle before I’ve managed to accumulate my next set of skid marks? Is it beeping to warn me of the impending disaster - the dire consequences - if I don’t get my wife’s knickers out of the way before the beeps stop? (Don’t look for innuendo - and you won't find it.)

I think it’s a conspiracy against me and she’s behind the whole thing. I bet they invited her along to a studio somewhere in the Far East where they design the naffin’ things.

Or maybe she’s gone into the showroom, and asked, “Have you got any of these washing machines that keep beeping irritatingly at my husband while he’s working in the kitchen and I’m at the other end of the house?”

“Indeed we have Madam; we have them in white, silver, black, brown with yellow polka dots...”

“Never mind the colour - as long as it beeps. I would like the most irritating and unnecessarily insistent beeping washing machine in the shop. The price is no object; I don’t care about the recession; I don’t care about EU rules and regulations. If that shower of parasites have anything to say about the matter - refer them to me - the customer’s always right - especially in my house.”

“We have this model here Madam, which will wash your clothes, tumble-dry them, iron the shirts, change nappies (diapers) and play 'God Save the Queen' ('The Star Spangled Banner') - all at super fast speed.”

“God Save The Queen’, at super fast speed!?"

"Er... yes Madam, it’s a bit like 'The Star Spangled Banner' at super fast speed - on tranquillisers."

"Does it irritate husbands?”

“Hmm, well... you’d really need one specifically designed to beep irritatingly, for that - Madam.”

“Thought so - I don’t want any of your second rate rubbish! What about that one? How irritatingly does that one beep? I don’t care if it takes all week as long as I have a sufficiently irritated husband at the end of it! I want to switch that baby on, then disappear out of beep-shot so that that annoying old goat either has to hang up the washing straight away, or go gaga. The latter option is preferable - although I’m not sure it hasn’t happened already. And, by the way, I don’t want any disclaimers in the warranty that puts the blame on me if he tops himself, out of anger and irritation. Have you anything like that in stock? I could do with it installed before the holidays. He always wants to tag along and he just spoils the fun. What, with that “stupid prostate” of his, he wants to piddle every time he sees a lamppost”

“Did you say, “Stupid prostate” - Madam?”

“His words - not mine. If you ask me, he’s blaming the wrong department for the stupidity. Same old story - upstairs takes the credit, downstairs gets the blame. ‘Lions led by donkeys’ - although, I have to say, in his case, that’s quite the wrong analogy. He’s neither a lion nor a donkey in that department! Mind you - I reckon that prostate knows what it’s doing, causing all that irritation!

“I suppose so - Madam...”

“That machine, over there! What’s the beeper like, on that machine? Would it irritate any better than a prostate?”

“Ahrmm, I wouldn’t like to guarantee that you’d be entirely satisfied with that one - Madam. Unfortunately, the beep is quite dulcet. Then it's followed by Julie Andrews singing, ‘My Favourite Things’.”

"Julie chuffin’ Andrews? Gordon Bennett (UK profanity)! That's not gonna irritate many prostates..."

"However, we have a model here Madam, which has a particularly irritating beep, followed by a slanging match between Ian Paisley and Colonel Gaddafi, shouting personal abuse at one another across the Grand Canyon in the United States of America - Madam. With, of course, Ann Widdecombe acting as adjudicator."

"But, of course - indeed. Young man you're a star! When can you deliver?"

"We try to please Madam. Would you like extended cover with this item - Madam?”

“How long is the beep covered for? I don’t want that beep letting me down!”

“Well, how long would you need the beep to be covered for, Madam?”

“How should I know? I don’t know how long the silly old bogger’s gonna live. Six months should maybe do it, depending on the severity of the beeps. Here - wait a minute! I reckon my Statutory Rights should cover that.”

“I’m afraid your Statutory Rights only cover parts and labour costs, Madam. The beeps are a special feature. It’s in the EU rulebook, under Irritating Beeps and Distraught Spouses - Section 2012, Madam - just next to Section 2013; the one about straight bananas.”

“Ah well, never mind - better give me a year’s extended cover just to make sure then.”


Should the EU ban beeping washing machines?

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Comments 26 comments

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Fay Paxton 5 years ago

This is hilarious. But I'll go you one better, my daughter bought a washer and dryer that give a selection of songs, but more importantly weighs the clothes to determine how long the cycle should be. It's insane! Never mind that the clothes don't come clean and the dryer always requires a second go-round. I say bring back the old beepless wringer washer. :)

Thanks for making me laugh right out loud.

Voted way up and funny

amillar profile image

amillar 5 years ago from Scotland, UK Author

Hi Fay,

I'd never heard of washing machines that play music, but as you'll have noticed from this hub, I'm not surprised - or that it weighs the clothes and no doubt sends an email sniping on anyone who breaks the latest bureaucratic rules.

Of course it also knows exactly when to disintegrate - one day after the guarantee runs out.

Thanks for dropping by and commenting.

Amanda Severn profile image

Amanda Severn 5 years ago from UK

My old washer dryer used to be a beeping nuisance, but the new machine is almost distressingly silent. The occassional beep would actually be quite welcome. Of course, it's only me that ever tackles the persky machine. Even if it beeped morning noon and night you can pretty much guarantee that my husband and the two kids would totally fail to notice! I think it's called 'tuning it out'.....

Reynold Jay profile image

Reynold Jay 5 years ago from Saginaw, Michigan

Funny, funny funny!! Yep everything is talking to us now. I enjoyed this very much. You have this laid out beautifully and it is easy to understand. Keep up the great HUBS. Up one and Useful. Hey! I'm now your fan! RJ

amillar profile image

amillar 5 years ago from Scotland, UK Author

'Tuning out', Amanda - I think you have the answer! All I need now is for your husband and two kids to give me some lessons in 'tuning out'. Mind you, I don't have that problem when someone asks for a loan of a fiver.

amillar profile image

amillar 5 years ago from Scotland, UK Author

Hi Reynold,

Thank you for enjoying the hub; I detect a bit of sympathy, which is good, because that's what I think I was looking for.

Thanks for being a fan also, and for reading.

drbj profile image

drbj 5 years ago from south Florida

I must be deprived. My washing machine grumbles and groans and tumbles and moans, but never, amillar, have I heard it beep. I guess it was absent the day beeping was taught.

Very funny hub and videos. Thanks for the chuckles.

amillar profile image

amillar 5 years ago from Scotland, UK Author

Hi drbj,

Hang onto your grumbling, moaning and groaning washing machine for as long as you can, it'll serve you better and last you longer. The beeps serve no purpose that I can see/hear - other than to irritate.

Thanks for reading and chuckling.

tritrain profile image

tritrain 5 years ago from United States

Ours just buzzes. It's just as annoying as a beeping one. :/

Pollyannalana profile image

Pollyannalana 5 years ago from US

I just wait and wait until I get a load, I check the hamper twice daily...I just need more to do. You should have let sweet little Herman of the Hermits do that lamp post song! You know I don't believe a word you say, but it's fun seeing what it will be, I am almost getting your humor figured out and always a little something for an R-rating. Loved the picture of your royals. Do you suppose royals ever have even seen a washing machine? Do they wear anything twice? That's what I want to know. I use to have to sit on our washer when we first got married to keep it from running away, it was good exercise. I always had a small load.

CreatePerfection profile image

CreatePerfection 5 years ago from Beautiful Colorado

amillar, I so enjoyed the humor of this piece. Thanks for giving me a laugh and brightening my day.


amillar profile image

amillar 5 years ago from Scotland, UK Author

Hi tritrain - you have my sympathy. All that buzzing and beeping is totally unnecessary.

amillar profile image

amillar 5 years ago from Scotland, UK Author

I think I remember Herman's Hermits doing 'Leaning on the Lamppost' Polly; now hat you mention it. But George Formby was the original (a Lancashire lad - nobody’s perfect.)

These little pieces of fiction are really just my warped sense of humour BTW - but I've no clue what R-rating means - I don't watch films.

I'm not sure if how often the Royals wear things - I suppose the Queen has worn the Crown Jewels more than once. It would be a bit extravagant to change them every time she goes to the cludgie at the bottom of the Buckingham Palace garden. We're all in this together, you know.

I've heard that sitting on washing machines has quite a high rating - I wouldn‘t know for sure.

Thanks for dropping by again.

amillar profile image

amillar 5 years ago from Scotland, UK Author

Hi Lela, I like to brighten up peoples' days - and I much prefer the sound of chuckles and laughs, to beeps and buzzes.

Thanks for the up and funny.

ImChemist profile image

ImChemist 5 years ago

Nice hub with very useful videos , rated useful.

amillar profile image

amillar 5 years ago from Scotland, UK Author

Hiya ImChemist, thanks for reading and rating. I appreciate it.

tonymac04 profile image

tonymac04 5 years ago from South Africa

Beeping funny indeed! I had a car once that beeped at me for all sorts of reasons - some of which I never fathomed! And since the owner's manual was written in a language I didn't understand it was no beeping help at all.

Ban all beeping things I say. And the beeping sooner the beeping better. Beeping nuisances.

Love and peace


amillar profile image

amillar 5 years ago from Scotland, UK Author

I think I had a car like that a few years back Tony; it’s probably a washing machine now. I bet the beeper was the only thing that survived the crusher.

Thanks for dropping by. It’s nice to see you again.

daydreamer13 profile image

daydreamer13 5 years ago

I like this! Well done!

amillar profile image

amillar 5 years ago from Scotland, UK Author

Hiya daydreamer13. I'm glad you like this - it's nice to see you.

Thanks for dropping by.

toknowinfo profile image

toknowinfo 5 years ago

Love your writing. Love your humor. Love all your hubs! I guess just having a washing machine to get our clothes clean isn't enough anymore. Thanks for the smiles your hub gave me. Rated up and funny.

amillar profile image

amillar 5 years ago from Scotland, UK Author

Thank you toknowinfo, for such a kindly and encouraging comment. I love it when you visit my hubs.

Larissa 5 years ago

I had no idea that forums were writing about the beeps on washing machines. I went to purchase a new one my only important questions were 'did the clothes come out clean' and 'did the machine beep'. Unfortunately the assistant couldn't convince me of either so I came online to research 'washing machine that doesn't beep' and found this forum. Does anyone here know what I can buy? Unfortunately the last machine beep once to often and ended up demised in back yard in fit of rage at being awaken again during the night.

amillar profile image

amillar 5 years ago from Scotland, UK Author

Hi Larissa,

I suspect you have an insurmountable problem there, in trying to find a modern washing machine that will just get on with the job of cleaning clothes without nagging and boasting about its achievements.

I still get irritated with the beeps, but I don't want to complain too much - for I'd be more concerned about my own demise in the back yard rather than the washing machine's.

Shinkicker profile image

Shinkicker 4 years ago from Scotland


At last a lone-voice speaks out against the beep. More power to your elbow amillar. I enjoyed reading that and you're absolutely right, when the house stops shaking that's all the notification you need.

Catch you later :-)

amillar profile image

amillar 4 years ago from Scotland, UK Author

Well, Shinkicker that damned washing machine is at it almost every day. It’s a pain in the proverbials; I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it. If that’s an example of technological progress, I think it’s time to reinvent the washboard and bring back skiffle.

Remember to let me know when you need a hand to shift Scotland south.

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