A heart to heal Part II
He stole my heart, he broke through the walls I built around it and he stole it. From that point on I was his, he didn’t know it yet but I was his and forever would be. My heart filled with love for him and it felt, it actually felt something other than pain for the first time and as long as I was with him I was safe. I knew that no matter what happened to me, when he was near nothing else could hurt me, nothing else mattered, pain was a memory. That summer was spent with him during the day and when I couldn’t be with him I would party hard, have sex with any guy who showed interest that I found attractive, and drown myself in vodka and weed. I tried so hard to convince myself that I could never be with him because he was too good for me and I didn’t deserve him or love.
I was convinced that my purpose in life was to be a toy for any man to play with even if I didn’t want to. I decided to accept this destiny and run with it so I made it a point to steel hearts and break them the way I had always been done. I failed to realize then that I was hurting no one but myself.
School started and I would sit with him on the bus and then during the day continue with my daily routine of getting drunk and high, that is until September 14, 1994. Kyle called and wanted to know if I wanted to ride to school with him and his friend Rick. I of course agreed since riding the bus was such a drag.
Rick thought it would be fun to take a gravel road to school and goof off a bit on the way. He was driving a bit too fast and the gravel was loose causing the car to fish tail, Rick lost control of the car and we slammed through a fence and high centered the car on a rock. We of course had to walk to school from there. Kyle was a true gentleman and made sure I was ok. We started walking and halfway to the school my hand reached for his and we walked hand in hand the rest of the way.
The feeling I got when our two hands joined was so amazing. My heart pounded in my chest and tears came to my eyes. We never looked at each other, we just walked, hand in hand.
When we arrived at school we went our separate ways, me to my spot to get high, him to…….well I can’t remember. First bell rang and I scattered to my other friends and in passing him on his way to class and me on my way in the opposite direction I hollered “Hey Kyle, do you still want to know if I will go with you?”
He replied “Yes” with a questioning look on his face.
“Ok!!” I said and turned and walked on to class leaving him standing there wandering. I knew what I meant but he apparently couldn’t understand what I was trying to say to him in my High state which was “yes, I will go with you.”
On the way to Band third hour he asked what I meant when I said “Ok” and I explained to him that yes I would go with him but explained that I needed space and not a clingy boyfriend which he took literally and didn’t speak to me till the end of the day when we sat next to each other during an assembly. I asked him why he was ignoring me and he stated he was trying not to be clingy. I then had to explain to him that I still wanted him to talk to me.
Our relationship flourished from then on, we were inseparable, always hand in hand. I was happy for the first time and in love without hurting. He protected my heart and healed its wounds. I would go home at night and think of him and feel no pain.
At one point he gave me the ultimatum of him or my drugs and alcohol and after thinking long and hard I chose him. He was my new drug, he was my high, he was my heart.
We had our highs and lows, Kyle and I, but we survived them all. His parents and older sister weren’t very fond of me and my reputation. I was not the type of girl a parent wanted their son to bring home to meet the family.
He brought me home to meet his mom and dad and that was a whole different type of awkward. I show up in my normal garb; black fingernails, purple make up with dark purple lipstick, black army boots, skin tight jeans, skin tight black shirt with a flannel over it. Kyle’s dad offered me his hand and gave me a warm welcome, his mom on the other hand took one look at me and her mouth dropped open in disbelief. She then shut her mouth, gave me a dirty look, and walked into the kitchen. Kyle’s sisters already knew me, Ann was a “nerd” one year ahead of us in school and she hated me and was not afraid to show it. Page was two years behind us in school and unlike her older sister took the time to get to know the “Real Marie” instead of believing the rumors passed around by those who didn’t know me. Page was cool and I liked the way she thought. She had the same go to hell attitude I had and I thought that was great.
Kyle stayed by my side through it all, no matter what anyone said and I did the same. I kept by his side even with everyone asking me why I was with him, I would just reply “Because I want to be.”
Now I sit and contemplate why I am with him. I know why I was then, in the beginning, but all the pain he has caused me in the last few years makes me wonder why I stay. The love I have had over the last 16 years for him is still there but the trust is missing now. Can there be love without trust? Can trust re-grow after its torn apart? Will my heart heal again only to be broken by the same person who healed it all those years ago? I guess only time will tell as the story goes on.
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